How to build a relationship with a minor son. How to build relationships and communicate properly with your teenage son

Teenagers may seem independent and self-reliant, but in fact this age is a very vulnerable period...

Teenagers may appear to be self-reliant and independent, but in fact this age is a very vulnerable period.

Adolescents are no longer small children, but not yet adults. And they still need strong and good relationships with close adults.

We offer you ideas on how to strengthen relationships and support growing children.

How to build a relationship with a teenager

1. Listen and hear, refraining from unnecessary advice and offending comments.

2. Genuinely interested in his/her hobbies, music, hobbies (even if they are not very interesting for an adult).

3. Arrange a family day when the whole family gets together and spends time together. You can ask the child to write on small pieces of paper interesting activities that he likes (going to the cinema, walking, visiting certain places, playing football, going to a beauty salon with his mother, etc.) and which he would like to carry out with his family, put these pieces of paper in a jar, for each family day to pull out one or more and implement these wishes.

4. Review family photos together.

5. Arrange trips where you can be together with the whole family.

6. Participate as a team in family activities (for example, a family can participate as a team in orienteering, geo-caching, quests, bowling, etc.).

7. Do something together: go hiking, fishing, do martial arts, go to the stylist together, for a manicure, to a beautician, pick up a wardrobe.

8. Make TOP 10 interesting ideas for spending time together and gradually implement them.

9. Ask the child what he would like to do with his family.

10. Hold family gatherings with close and distant relatives and other adults, where there will be joint unifying activities for all generations.

11. Help your child build relationships with other close adults you trust.

12. Try to establish relationships with the parents of the child's friends and spend joint holidays, walks, weekends, trips.

13. Be curious about your child's friends, invite them over, play board games, or engage in any activity that will help you get to know your child's friends and build relationships between them and your family.

14. Feed all your teen's buddies regularly (food is one of the main ways to prove your Caring Alpha).

15. Help where a teenager needs help, such as studying, going to the doctor together, etc. (they are already very independent, but still need support).

16. Find common hobbies for family evenings: board games, crossword puzzles, riddles, reading together, watching and discussing movies, etc.

17. Improvise and offer care where a teenager does not expect it: invite him to lunch in a cafe, cook his favorite breakfast, bake a cake, bake funny pancakes (like in childhood), etc. It doesn’t matter what kind of activity it is, the moment of pleasant surprise and taking into account the interests of the teenager is important.

18. Arrange active walks together: sports, biking, rollerblading, hiking, walking in the park, etc.

19. Pay for tickets to some expensive and desirable concert (even better if the concert is in another city) and go together.

20. Offer to try something new together. It can be anything from a hot air balloon ride or a horse ride to trying to learn how to eat with Chinese chopsticks.

21. Show care: fluff up a pillow, make a bed, help pack things.

22. Help him find adult mentors, coaches who can teach him something interesting and at the same time become adult friends.

23. Organize a trip to the store, where the child himself will choose the things he likes (even if the adult does not like them).

24. Arrange a joint photo shoot or offer to take a picture of a child.

25. Offer to cook your favorite dish together.

26. Ask for help with household chores, such as fixing a faucet or fixing something with dad.

27. Give a visit to a master class on an interesting topic. Maybe a child has long wanted to learn how to shoot a video for a blog, make his own website, make something in a pottery or carpentry workshop, learn to sew from leather, cook, try himself as a journalist or do something else.

28. Discuss and involve the child in conversations, ask for his opinion on some adult topics, for example, about what is happening in the country or in the world, about ecology, etc.

29. Choose a day of the week when the family spends time together and without gadgets. If it doesn't work out all day, it can be an hour or a couple of hours.

30. Do something good for others together: help in a dog shelter, make a birdhouse, buy groceries for grandma - any thing that can bring you together.

31. Drive a car around the city at night together.

32. Start a rearrangement of the house together.

33. Hang in a conspicuous place (for example, on the refrigerator) wish lists for all family members, in which everyone can write down what gifts he would like to receive. Unexpectedly fulfill the desires of the child (to the extent possible, of course). It can be stipulated that desires can be both material and not expensive (for example, visiting some places).

34. Make up together genealogical tree families, collect photos from family archives, ask relatives about interesting facts from the life of one of the ancestors.

35. Make a calendar of upcoming holidays, birthdays of relatives and friends of the child together, help plan and prepare gifts.

36. Cook mulled wine (non-alcoholic) together or make delicious cocktails.

37. Plant trees together.

38. Learn to do an interesting trick and then teach the child.

39. Make a playlist of your favorite songs and ask your child to make his own (then you can download these songs to your home player).

40. Tell about your childhood, your mistakes, experiences, sorrows and joys of that time.

41. Remember childhood and fool around: look together children's cartoon, ride a carousel, swing, play snowballs - after all, we are all children at heart.

42. Schedule joint trip and watch movies or read books about this city or country in advance.

44. Teach what you know yourself.

45. Ask your child to teach you something you don't know how.

46. ​​Fluff up the pillow at night, make the bed, sit next to your favorite toy or do something else pleasant, show care.

47. Meet, see off, give a ride in a car.

48. Put a chocolate bar, candy, dried fruit, nuts or a small snack in your pocket before the road.

49. Do not throw away his old notebooks and notebooks, a collection of stones and other things that he keeps for some reason.

50. Unobtrusively express support before and after important events (send a text message, put a note in your pocket, ask how your day went and listen).

51. Take an interest in the daily life of the child, preserving the right not to talk about what he does not want to talk about, but maintaining the feeling that you can rely on you at any time or ask for help.

52. Transfer to him responsibility for those areas of his life with which he copes, and help where not everything is still possible.

53. Keep secrets entrusted to you and not discuss the child with others in his presence.

54. Ask permission before posting on the Internet or showing someone pictures of him.

55. Do not criticize appearance, clothes, new hairstyle (you can discuss and say that you have a different opinion, but choose words that do not hurt).

56. Seek advice before making a decision concerning himself.

57. Help to accept the changes of a maturing and changing body and voice: talk, give good and sensitive books about the ongoing changes.

58. Do not forget to capture the attention of a teenager: smile, hug and show attention not only when you need something from a child.

59. Remember that everyone has the right to make mistakes.

60. And, of course, often speak simple and pleasant words, to remind that he is dear and loved. published .

Julia Varlakova

If you have any questions, ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

Being a teenager is very hard. Filled with energy released in the physiological shifts of puberty, obsessed with the emerging need for independence, full of expectations for future success in a big life, a teenager goes through difficult trials in search of his own path in a new world for him. And if we take into account at the same time that there are no beaten paths, one can easily understand the curiosity and anxiety that teenagers cause in their parents.
We must understand one important issue, difficult for both teenagers and parents. Adults need to create conditions for the development of adolescents, and this must be done as carefully as in childhood, when sharp objects were removed from the path of the baby, representing a danger to him. Respecting the dignity of adolescents, helping them develop a sense of self-esteem and giving useful advice when necessary - all this contributes to the formation of their personal and social maturity.

Parents need to understand the sudden mood swings of a teenager, and strange at first glance hobbies, and eccentric behavior, and a new vocabulary, and sometimes deliberately unsuccessful undertakings.
To successfully survive all the adventures of adolescence, both parents and teenagers need to have a good idea of ​​​​how to get out of critical situations. Constantly arising problems that need to be solved require a lot of effort from a teenager, sometimes fraught with risk.

It is impossible to quickly and easily solve all the problems of adolescence. Both parents and teenagers must be patient and continue to work, talk to each other, love each other. During this period, everyone in the family begins to see others in a new way, everyone should, as it were, get to know each other again. Whether you will pass this stage with the least losses will depend on what prevails in the family - love or fear.

I often tell parents, "If what you restrict your children to is not forbidden, immoral or too expensive, give up the prohibitions, let them do what they want."
Every adult who reads this book has already gone through adolescence. In memory of him, someone has scars, someone's wounds are still healing, but everyone has their own experience, acquired through trial and error. The difference between rewarding experiences and deeply scarred experiences can be explained as follows. A useful experience appears when a person, relying on his wisdom, copes with conflicts and depression, takes responsibility for everything that happens and is ready to face new life challenges. Scars appear when the spirit collapses. A non-healing wound indicates that healing did not occur and it did not heal even with a thin skin. The reason for this is the difficult psychological and social conditions. My experience practical work convinces that parents strive to do everything so that the crisis of adolescence passes without leaving unhealed traces in their child.
They often anxiously anticipate the approach of adolescence in their children. Excitement is caused by their own memories of adolescence, and numerous horror stories about teenage alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual perversion and malicious hooliganism. We consider the topics of sex and violence taboo for teenagers, but we must remember that they are very similar to adults. If an adult is limited in everything, then he, like a teenager, will suffer greatly. Attempts at sexual contact of adolescents are caused by a thirst for tenderness, warmth and intimacy, and increased aggressiveness is the result of a desperate desire not to look weak and dependent.

The solution of both serious and trifling problems depends on whether we know suitable algorithms for solving them. If we know a way out of the situation - half the work is already done. To relieve increased anxiety, parents should watch a teenager, find out what wonderful things are done by the hands of our children. After all, your child can be one of their co-creators. Did you take the time to discuss your attitude to what he does. If not, then do so as soon as possible. And if you like some of his actions, then every time do not forget to tell him about it. Praise him even if he has realized and is honestly trying to correct his mistakes.
As I have already said, the big changes that occur in the body of a child during puberty are associated with a powerful explosion of energy.
This energy must be handled with care and requires safe, intelligent and healthy ways of expression. For this, it is useful to go in for sports, do physical exercises, which in turn stimulate mental work.
The state of a teenager can be compared to the state of excited, full of strength racehorses, nervously tapping their hooves and impatiently waiting for the gate to finally open before them. They are full of inspiration and certainly want to win at the races. I think that adults, not understanding the impatience of adolescents and not even wanting to understand it, complicate their lives if they do not help them find a field for interesting and meaningful activities. Teenagers are not monsters or villains at all, they are ordinary people trying to learn how to live in the adult world and not quite confident in their abilities.

I think adults are most alarmed by the activity and vigor of teenagers. Frightened and anxious parents surround their children with all sorts of taboos. But just the opposite is needed. Teenagers need to be shown intelligent ways to put their energies into action. At the same time, they need love and understanding.

For example, instead of endlessly repeating to the daughter going on a date: “Be careful. Remember that you are a decent girl, ”parents should teach her to defend her interests depending on the situation and not be offended. A young man or girl with well-defined positions and views can respond to all sorts of parental admonitions: “Thanks for the reminder, but what you are talking about is not what I need right now, so I don’t need to talk about it anymore.”

Only when each person is treated as an individual and learned to appreciate him, then, and only then, real change is possible. I would like parents to feel that they are the sources of knowledge and goodness for their children.

In order to lay the foundation for future change in your relationship, I can suggest the following:
1. You, the parent, should clearly communicate your fears and concerns to your teenager so that he can understand you.
2. As a teenager, you must be honest about what is happening to you and try to make sure that you are believed. You must also speak up about your fears and know that you will be listened to without criticism or judgment.
3. You, the parent, must show your willingness to listen and understand. Understanding does not mean forgiveness. It simply creates a solid foundation on which to build further relationships.
4. As a teenager, you should explain to your parents that you need them to listen to you, but do not give advice until you ask them to.
5. As a parent, you should understand that a teenager does not have to follow your advice at all.

Only when all this is taken into account is a meaningful dialogue between two equal people possible and, in the future, the development of new, constructive forms of behavior.
Many adults, even while striving to be understanding and empathetic, continue to take an authoritarian position in relation to children. I have never seen parents lose authority in their eyes when they honestly admitted that they did not know something, or when they showed their children that they understood their condition well and experienced similar feelings myself ("I was also scared ...” or “I know how bad it feels when you tell a lie”, etc.).

Having helped hundreds of parents and teens build relationships, I've learned that most parents themselves haven't fully lived through their teens yet. And they do not feel at all like mentors, wise by experience. As a result, it is difficult for them to teach children what they do not yet know themselves. I really sympathize with them. Many adults in this situation try to "bluff", that is, they show that they are well-versed in what they really do not know. Sometimes this behavior gives its results, but you should not do this, as teenagers in most cases feel even the slightest falsity.

I urge parents to honestly admit their ignorance and incompetence, only in this case a trusting relationship will arise with teenagers. Parents and teens can collaborate based on common interests.

I remember one case with a boy who did not attend school. Parents vainly persuaded and even frightened him, but there was no sense in this. I found out that the parents did not have a completed education and they vowed to do everything so that their son received it. They wanted to give him what they did not receive themselves. They were driven by love for their son, but the ways in which they forced him to study were perceived by the boy as a manifestation of violence. In the process of psychotherapeutic work, trust arose between parents and son, and they began to listen to each other. It turned out that everyone had one goal - for the boy to get an education. And when the fears of his parents became clear to the son, he began to trust them and directed all his efforts to study, but already because he himself wanted this, and not because he was forced to study.
The conflict point in this story was not the goal - getting an education for the son, but the "winner-loser" relationship existing in the family. This was expressed in such strict instructions: “I will tell you what to do, and you will do it”, “You must, because it will be useful for you”, etc. It can be assumed that the teenager will answer this: “Where do you know what I have to do?”, “I won’t do it”, “I don’t give a damn about education.” Many parents and children fall for this trap.
The conversation, it seems, was about school, but the subtext and main meaning of all parental exhortations is control and dictate on their part. Parents want to help the child, but their efforts only lead to scandals.
I realized that it is precisely this behavior of parents that is the main stumbling block in relations between them and adolescents.

Any conflict between people (regardless of their age, status or gender) caused by violence is fraught with great trouble. Winner-loser relationships cause power struggles. The main point of any such struggle is to determine the winner, and people usually believe that someone should win. But I am convinced that when a person loses, it becomes a tragedy not only for him, but for everyone else: after all, relationships with people are violated, self-esteem decreases. Parents and teenagers need each other, and they need to learn how to build family relationships where everyone benefits. For example, a teenager says, “It's only Wednesday and I've already run out of money. I need more." If the parent takes the position of "winner-loser", then he will answer: "Very bad. I don't have any more money and I won't give you anything." In a relationship in which both win, the parent replies: “It happened to me too, and, of course, it’s not sweet without money. I will no longer have more money to paycheck, but let's think about how we can still buy what you want, and maybe we'll learn how to calculate our budget better.
In the first case (control), the parent tries to educate, resorting to rudeness and punishment. In another case, the parent and teenager discuss all the problems together, look for constructive solutions, and the child feels more parental care for him than in the first case. In both cases, the essence of the matter, of course, is not the money.

Teenagers, growing up, have the right to expect wise advice from their parents, while mutual trust is necessary. They will not trust those elders who are insincere with them. Honesty and sincerity are most valued.
Adults should not allow themselves to overstep certain boundaries in their relationship with children. Everyone should know their place. And everyone should respect generally accepted norms of human communication. Each of us should have the right to our privacy.

For example, you, a parent, decide that you can, in the best of intentions, let your teenager use the car once a week. If you don’t clearly define the conditions after giving him a car (“Sometimes you can take it”) or if you are already looking forward to punishment (“Don’t do this or that, otherwise I won’t give it anymore”), then in the end you will trouble awaits. Be honest and follow the rules of the game.

To earn the respect of teenagers, adults must keep their promises. Don't make promises until you're sure you can keep them. If you still break promises, even guided by a feeling of love for the child, then perhaps he will stop trusting you and move away from you. As a result, everyone is a loser.

Have you noticed that parents and teenagers have common activities and interests?
A teenager has his own range of interests, and he often prefers the company of peers. This is completely natural and does not mean at all that he abandons or rejects his family. During this period, peers play an even greater role in his life than his parents. The father and mother must find a common language with the friends of their children, they must understand that the teenager is already weighed down by dependence on the elders and is preparing to start new life, and therefore you need to stop controlling it all the time. Parents should be wise mentors, always ready to help. And if this is so, then both of them will be able to maintain warm relations and respect for each other.

Always remember that sometimes a teenager feels like a mature forty-year-old person, and at another moment like a five-year-old kid. That's the way it should be. And when at times adults critically say to a teenager: “How old are you, look at yourself!”, then they forget about the changes that are happening to him at this time. Adolescents are more likely to accept adult advice and guidance if they feel loved, valued, and unconditionally accepted. They are in dire need of elders who would take care of them and help them plan their future lives.
Instead of surrounding teenagers with taboos and restrictions, it is better to try to create relationships based on trust, humor and selfless help. More than anything else, they need a sensitive, attentive attitude from adults. And if they have such a relationship with their parents, then they will be able to calmly survive the thunderstorms and storms, which, of course, are inevitable in such an alarming period full of excitement and surprises.
Do your best if there is a teenager nearby who listens to you and trusts you. But if the relationship does not work out, then you will not achieve anything with demands, but will only erect an impenetrable wall of misunderstanding and alienation between you. Remember how unpleasant people can be who demand that you blindly follow their advice instead of helping you figure out what really needs to be done in this or that case.

In addition, adolescents are fighting for their autonomy and independence. They make many mistakes and often go the wrong way. And this is also quite natural. It is important that parents be prepared for sudden manifestations of strong, sometimes inadequate reactions in a teenager (“It’s just lisping, not love!” or “Yes, yes, everyone goes through this. Spit on it and continue to live in peace!”) .

Once I heard a famous sculptor say that before starting work, he always waits for what the stone itself will tell him, and only then begins to embody his creative ideas. Parents whose child has entered adolescence should follow this rule, should try to hear and understand their son or daughter.

Now I would like to show you how teenagers themselves relate to their problems. “The most important thing for me is to feel loved and appreciated, no matter how stupid and ridiculous I may look. I need someone who believes in me, because I myself am often insecure. To be honest, sometimes I am terribly ashamed of myself. I feel that I am not strong enough, bright, beautiful and charming compared to those around me. But it also happens in a different way, when it seems to me that I already know everything and that I alone can resist the whole world. I take everything very seriously."
“I need someone who could listen to me calmly, without any criticism and help me understand myself. When I fail, lose a friend, or just lose a game, it feels like the whole world is turning upside down. I need loving hands to comfort me. I need a place where I could cry and where no one would laugh at me. But on the other hand, I need a person who will always be there. I also need someone who will say "Stop!" loudly and clearly. But people shouldn't lecture me and remind me of my previous stupidities. I myself know about them and feel guilty.
“Besides, I need you, mom, and you, dad, to be sincere with me in everything that concerns you and me. Only then can I trust you. I want you to know that I love you. And please don't be offended when I like others. They won't take me away from you. Please love me always."
When we love a person, we want him to look perfect in our eyes. But how often attempts to change something end in rude interference, which, of course, no one likes. Constructive ways of communicating will help you. You must learn to stop yourself when you start invading the "forbidden areas" of other people's lives.
Adolescence will be considered successfully completed only if the teenager can, when necessary, show independence, feel a sense of community with other people, have a developed sense of self-esteem and have a good idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat is the right thing to do in this or that case.
I believe that adolescence has ended successfully if a person enters the world of adults with a sense of dignity, having the ability to establish close relationships with people, the ability to be responsible for their actions. The end of adolescence is the beginning adulthood. What has not yet been completed will be completed later. I want parents to be able to sensitively and wisely guide their teenage children and help them become full-fledged people, capable of creating a world in which human life will be joyful, rich and happy.

From the book "How to Build Yourself and Your Family"

Do you have a child, and not even one? Are you afraid of adolescence because you heard a lot of "horror stories" about how a child's behavior changes at this age? Are you afraid you won't make it? Then this book is for you.

Its pages describe the main problems that almost all parents of teenagers face. And also ways of their effective solution are offered. These are actionable, practical tips that have been proven to work and are not difficult to put into practice.

By starting to apply the tips in a complex way, you have a great chance to raise a successful, healthy child.

It should be remembered that adolescence is one of the most important life periods of a person, when the ability to consciously manage one's own behavior is formed. It is during this period that the formation of the structure of one's own hierarchy, one's own values ​​takes place. The criterion of age is those neoplasms that characterize the essence of each age. Neoplasm - a new type of personality structure, its activities, those mental and social changes that first occur at a given age stage and which in the most important and fundamental way determine the child's consciousness, his attitude to the environment, his inner and outer life, the entire course of his development in given period. The leading activity of adolescence is intimate-personal communication with peers. Formation of moral values, ideas about oneself, about the meaning of life, self-consciousness. There is a reproduction of new models in relations between peers. The relationships that exist between adults.

Thanks to this, new tasks and motives for further own activity arise.

During adolescence, changes in a child's personality can occur abruptly, critically, and may occur gradually. And how the child will go through this difficult period, with what baggage of values ​​and skills he will come out of there, fully depends on the parents, that is, on you. Many authors in their works noted that the formation and development of self-confidence is relevant for a person at all age stages, and especially in adolescence.

This is due to the fact that this period is one of the most difficult and critical stages of human development. Adolescents, as a rule, have difficulty solving their psychological problems, they are conflicted in social interaction, they do not tend to get out of stressful situations productively, they are characterized by painful experiences, increased sensitivity and irritability, the transfer of dissatisfaction with themselves to the outside world, a feeling of loneliness, fear of ridicule increased anxiety, insecurity, etc.

It depends on you, dear parents, how your child will grow up: a successful, accomplished person or a neurotic middle peasant. It depends on you whether your offspring will be an assistant and support when you retire, or whether you will carry him on your shoulders all your life.

Read, put into practice the acquired knowledge and live in peace with your children!

Many parents are afraid of adolescence like fire. It seems that no age has been honored with so many horror stories and myths as this one. Meanwhile, following the simple rules of communication with your own child, this period can become the key to a strong future relationship, when your son or daughter will become your reliable support. Only in order to comply with these rules, and the parents themselves will have to try - somewhere to restrain emotions, somewhere to refuse to watch a football match and instead talk and discuss the problems that have arisen in the offspring. This will take effort, and many parents are lazy, prefer not to interfere and step back.

They came to the reception together - Olya and her mother. More precisely, it was my mother who brought Olya, declaring from the threshold that I "must do something so that her daughter obeys." The reason for the appeal is the inability to establish contact with each other. “She is rude to me,” my mother was indignant.

However, Olya, a teenager of 15, did not give the impression of an aggressive person hostile to the world. On the contrary, she gave the impression that she was an indecisive and anxious teenager. Maybe that's why she tried to treat what was happening a little detached.

Of course, we first talked to my mother. It was necessary to convince an adult already that I was not a magician and that I could wave my wand and say: “Crex, pex, fex - Olya, listen to your mother” - I can’t. And that you need to start with yourself - change your attitude towards your daughter yourself.

We spent a long time figuring out what the so-called rudeness is. Finally found out.

- You understand, she does nothing of what I ask - mother's indignation knew no bounds.

- How do you ask? I ask. - Show.

- Well, how ... - Mom tries to concentrate in order to show as authentically as possible ... Her lips begin to involuntarily tighten into a “chicken tail”, a deep crease lies between her eyebrows. The look becomes heavy. “Olechka,” she says breathlessly, and even I get goosebumps from her tone, “Go do your homework,” then she waits a couple of seconds and adds: “Quickly!”

“Well, why… I don’t know. To do it quickly. If I don’t tell her, then she won’t go, - my mother is already starting to get annoyed with such a stupid psychologist.

- And what does he do quickly? I am naively interested.

- Of course not. Doesn't do anything, - my mother sighs heavily, as if offering me to sympathize with her.

Does she give you any reason? I ask.

No, she just stops responding to me. I can’t get anything from her, she immediately goes into the room and starts crying.

How do you react to her crying?

“First, I appeal to reason,” my mother, as it seemed to me, for the first time tried to think about what she was doing in response to her daughter’s tears, “But my grandmother ... she begins to feel sorry for her, to calm her down. She tells me: “Well, what do you want from her, it is so difficult to study now. Not everyone can be smart.” And I give up, I also begin to calm her down, and so on all the time. Vicious circle.

- So why do you call her behavior rudeness? It seems to me that boorish behavior is somewhat different, I notice.

- So I'm nervous, - mom's eyes just burn with indignation. - Making your mother nervous! I do everything for her: cook, clean, wash. I go to meetings. I do everything for her! – it seemed to me that the walls trembled from her pathos.

I really wanted to ask her: “Do you even love your daughter?”

It was enough just to look at the children's facial expressions to understand what the essence of the problem was: a monstrous distortion of the parent-child relationship. Mom perceives herself as a machine that provides certain functions: feed, wash, check the lessons. What about talking? Find out what the child feels, how he lives. Maybe someone unfairly offended him at school? Help solve the situation?

If this is not done, then the child will live with a sense of insecurity. And, growing up, he will begin to defend himself - as best he can. And here it will not seem enough to anyone, because his methods of protection are the most primitive: aggression or avoidance. That is, either attacked and beaten, or left altogether.

- Physically. From home - to the street, to distant relatives, wherever your eyes look.

- Psychologically. When a person, as it were, breaks the internal connection with the outside world, he stops responding.

As a result of prolonged stress, the integrity of the individual is under threat of destruction. When some external events begin to destroy the picture of the world, very often a behavior model is chosen, which in the scientific literature is called “learned helplessness”.

The term "learned helplessness" was coined by the American psychologist Martin Seligman and his collaborators back in the 1970s. They conducted a series of experiments on dogs. The dogs were divided into three groups: the first, second and control. All of them were exposed to an electric current. The first group of animals was placed in a cage with a special switch, pressing which with the nose, the dog could stop the current. Dogs quickly learned to do this. The dogs from the second group did not have a switch and the ability to turn off the stun gun. They soon gave up, lay on the floor and whimpered in pain. There was no effect on the control group.

In the second part of the experiment, the animals were placed in cages where the pain from the shocker could be avoided by jumping over a fence. Dogs from the first and control groups did just that. The dogs from the second group lay down again and whined. They didn't even try to jump over the barrier. Psychologists call this "learned helplessness syndrome."

That is, such a state when a person is sure in advance that he will not succeed, that he is a failure and it is not worth even trying.

The decisive factor in the development of the state of helplessness was that the very first experience of the animal in this experiment was associated with the inevitability of electric shocks. Seligman saw in such a helplessness syndrome an analogy with the condition for the occurrence of chronic bad luck and reactive depression in people.

However, if we consider learned helplessness from the point of view of neurophysiology, then such a reaction to external stimuli is justified. More I.P. Pavlov drew attention to the so-called "dynamic stereotype". If we take into account the fact that a stable dynamic stereotype - the habit of responding - is born in childhood, then the roots of learned helplessness are also there. Olya, on the other hand, has formed a corresponding model of behavior: when I start to cry, they pity me, I get my portion of parental warmth. That is, the more unhappy I am (read, more helpless) - the more warmth.

Then we talked with Olya about her childhood, about how adults reacted to her successes and failures. Her picture of childhood was typical: adults were mercilessly criticized for mistakes, successes were considered natural.

- Once they even put me in a corner for breaking a plate when washing dishes, - Olya sighed. - Although it happened by accident, and the plate was old, - wow, so many years have passed, and she is still making excuses for that unfortunate plate. Although I'm basically an outsider.

- Olya, how old were you when you broke it?

- About four years, probably.

Dear parents, you have a four-year-old child who washes dishes. She tries to help her mother around the house. Why do you demand from him those skills that are inherent in an adult? What does a four-year-old child get when an attempt to help him is announced that he is incompetent?

Scientists have conducted a number of studies on the sources of the style of explaining their own successes and failures in children. A study by the aforementioned Seligman and colleagues found that the child's explanatory style showed a significant positive relationship with the mother's explanatory style. The explanatory style is shaped by the nature of parental feedback. The criticism that adults address to a child in case of his failures leaves an imprint on what he thinks of himself. The pessimistic explanatory style is formed on the basis of non-constructive self-image: “I am a complete nonentity”, “I am a loser”, etc. The optimistic style is formed on the basis of unconditional positive reinforcement and is associated with a constructive self-image: “I can do better”, "I'm not a chervonets to please everyone", etc.

Take the case of this unfortunate plate. How could mom react to the unfortunate broken plate? Calmly tell your daughter: “It's okay, you're still doing great - look how hard you try! And the fact that it crashed is okay, you didn’t know that it would turn out like that. You'll be more careful next time." And a connection will not be formed that it is bad to take the initiative in activities (in the mind of the child - to know the world).

A small child cannot yet think in terms of adults - “this is an expensive thing; it is part of the service; to buy this, do you know how much you have to work? For a small child, any thing in the space around him is just an object of knowledge of the world. That is why children dismantle their cars, press all the buttons on the tablet without fear of damaging it. They undertake to wash the dishes - it's interesting how clean plates are obtained. Plus, mom will praise - also nice.

If the baby is not allowed to actively explore the world (of course, making sure that the study is safe is a sacred parental duty), then in adolescence it will be completely uninteresting to him. And it's scary - after all, this fact sits in the subconscious that too much cognitive activity caused a negative reaction from others. Accordingly, dear parents, what kind of interest in learning do you dream of? Education is also a kind of knowledge of the surrounding reality. And you already once explained to the child that he does not need to know the world.

My three-year-old goddaughter decided to check if it was possible to cover the whole room with a painting roll from the Ikea store. For several hours she puffed and diligently rolled out the roll on the floor, trying to do it evenly. Then she decided that the rolled roll did not look very nice, and made “snow” from part of the roll - a mountain of torn pieces of paper that decorated the corner of the room.

Her mom took a picture of it and posted it to social networks. The Internet space reacted with violent pity for the parents. Many have calculated how long cleaning will take. Stupid, they felt sorry for their parents, counting time and effort in this situation. Who will remember them in many years, when parental approval of paper paths across the room and heaps of "snow" will turn the baby into a confident and successful person!

After all, not a single person came up with the idea that the time spent on cleaning is nothing compared to the lesson that the little girl received. And the lesson is simple - think, explore the world, that's right, that's interesting.

M. Seligman's research was continued by Julius Kuhl, a German scientist. He did very interesting experiments on his students. Students were asked to solve various logical tasks. All the proposed tasks had no solution, but the students who took part in the experiment did not know about it. At the beginning of the experiment, the teacher announced that the problems were simple, easy to solve, and everyone should cope with them effortlessly.

After several unsuccessful attempts to solve these "simple" problems and listening to the experimenter's negative comments about the abilities of the subjects, most people fell into a state of anxiety and despair, since, of course, a blow was dealt to self-esteem.

After that, the subjects were offered a simple task, the solution of which was really easy, but with which they also could not cope, since “learned helplessness” had formed. Yes, yes, that's how quickly it is formed! Yu. Kul suggested that the decrease in efficiency in solving a simple problem in the latter case is due to the inability of a person to quickly abstract from the thought of failure.

The thought: “I am a complete nonentity, I am clumsy”, remaining in an active state, absorb the resources necessary to implement the intention.

The scientist proved that learned helplessness is a violation of the ability to overcome difficulties that have arisen and a refusal to take any action to overcome a crisis situation. Refusal of active actions is motivated by negative previous experience of overcoming failures in similar situations.

Like this. Julius Kuhl found out that if there are three components such as:

1) the presence in a person of a clear inner confidence in the absence of his own strength to cope with the task himself;

2) a feeling of impossibility of control over the situation;

3) confidence that failure depends on personal qualities - are present at the same time, then a state of "learned helplessness" arises. If a person is sure that a situation that does not suit him does not depend either on his behavior or on his efforts to change this situation; that only he is to blame for all his failures (his stupidity, mediocrity, lack of professionalism, etc.), and success, if it suddenly happens, is due to a fortunate combination of circumstances or outside help, and certainly not to his abilities, then he will not do anything to remedy the situation.

And this ugly thought is most often instilled in the child by loving parents.

The presence of learned helplessness in a person can be easily determined on the basis of words - markers used in speech. These words include:

• “I can’t” (ask for help, build normal relationships, change my behavior, etc.);
• “I don’t want to” (learn a difficult subject, change lifestyle, resolve an existing conflict, etc.);
• “Always” (“I explode” over trifles, I’m late for meetings or work, I always lose everything, etc., that is, “I have always been, am and will be”);
• “Never” (I can’t prepare for a meeting in time, I don’t ask for help, I will never be able to cope with this problem, etc.);
• “Everything is useless” (there is nothing to try, no one has ever succeeded in this situation, and not like you tried, but ...);
• “In our family, everyone is like that” (family messages about abilities in certain sciences, about an unsuccessful fate or marriage).

Helplessness often disguises itself behind various conditions that are identified as something else, such as neurasthenia, fatigue, apathy. Oddly enough, but the behavior of people in a state of learned helplessness is diametrically opposed.

The main behaviors are:

1. Pseudo-activity (meaningless, not purposeful, fussy activity that does not lead to results and with subsequent inhibition);

2. Complete refusal of activity;

3. Stupor (state of inhibition, misunderstanding);

4. The use of stereotyped actions to find one that is adequate to the situation, while constantly monitoring the results;

5. Destructive behavior (aggression directed at oneself and/or others);

6. Shift to a pseudo-goal (engaging in another activity that gives a feeling of achieving a result - a substituting action).

Factors preventing the formation of learned helplessness include:

– Experience of active overcoming of difficulties and own search behavior. This increases a person's resistance to failure.

- Psychological attitudes regarding the explanation of their success and failures. A person who believes that his successes are random and due to a combination of circumstances (lucky chance, help from outside, etc.), and failures are natural and due to his personal shortcomings, capitulate to difficulties and learn helplessness faster than a person with opposite attitudes.

- High self-esteem. If a person retains respect for himself under all circumstances, he is more resistant to the formation of the state “I can’t do anything, everyone save me.”

– Optimism reflects a person’s belief in a positive outlook, which is associated with positive thinking and therefore is one of the factors counteracting the formation of learned helplessness.

Thus, learned helplessness is a kind of psychological defense of one's ego. We subconsciously cannot allow our deep self, our very essence, to be ostracized by others. No one (including ourselves) should doubt that our essence, the core, the core is omnipotent and beautiful. Therefore, in order to preserve the power of his Ego, a person goes to the end. He uses the most sophisticated, most destructive types of psychological defenses, including extreme inhibition - depression.

I dwell on helplessness itself in such detail, because in recent times it has become the main reason for the failure of modern teenagers both in school and in relationships.

Olya from childhood was sure that she was mediocre, she would not succeed. And that her destiny is to cook borscht in the kitchen, working in the clinic at the reception. A somewhat strange choice for a modern teenager, but my mother worked in the clinic. It's at the register. And she really wanted her daughter to be "supervised."

- Don't you think, in this case, that it is illogical to force a girl with such a future profession to study? Why does she need good grades, because in her work, rather, other qualities will be useful to her - reaction speed, attentiveness.

- And so it is necessary. You have to study well. And she has half of the "triples".

- And who does Olya want to be?

- By whom? - I thought that my mother first thought about this issue. - But he will grow up, go to work and will decide who to be. In the meantime, I decide it, since I feed her.

As they say, "no comment". “If only someone would marry you,” the “kind” mother seems to have used every opportunity to show her worthlessness to her daughter.

The most amazing thing is that for a long time the mother could not understand what she was saying to her daughter so terrible.

- Do you understand that you are doing everything so that your daughter grows up an unhappy person? – I didn’t even know what arguments were needed to explain such an obvious thing.

“Yes, if I praise her, she will grow up selfish,” my mother did not give up.

I must say that in order to unravel this tangle of relationships, it took quite a long time to work. Thank God, Olya's mother realized that the fear of failure is not rudeness, and that the role of the victim imposed on a teenager will not lead to anything good.

To overcome such helplessness, this “domocles sword” of modern adolescents, it is necessary to train the ability for search behavior, search activity - activity aimed at changing the situation. It is important to emphasize that it is the search activity as a process, even regardless of the pragmatic result, that increases the body's resistance to both diseases and learned helplessness, which is a refusal to search. Search activity is more successfully stimulated by tasks that do not have an unambiguous solution.

The point of view of the psychophysiologist V. Rotenberg on overcoming learned helplessness is very interesting. Rotenberg considers overcoming learned helplessness from the point of view of a cross-cultural and religious component.

Indeed, within the framework of the Orthodox religion, sacrifice, helplessness, and failure have always been perceived with sympathy; all failures have been explained simply: “It is pleasing to God.”

In Russia, suffering has always been elevated to a virtue, the great martyrs were deified, the weak were supported. Therefore, no matter how strange it sounds, in our country it is beneficial to be weak and helpless, but it is shameful to be strong and successful. But as soon as the external conditions changed globally, people, accustomed to being weak and unhappy, could not oppose anything to the circumstances.

Education within the framework of Judaism, as Rotenberg notes, is characterized by the encouragement of mental activity from early childhood. The Talmud, which is studied in a religious school, is not some kind of set of undeniable truths. This is a conflict of different, often contradictory interpretations of the same events.

In contrast to other religions, Jewish children have developed an anti-dogmatic approach to the most complex issues of life over the centuries.

The child was asked to find his own position in the process of comparison and discussion. It turned out that any student could become, as it were, a co-author of a comment. He did not receive a ready-made truth (as it often happens today, unfortunately, not only at school, but also at universities) - he himself was looking for solutions.

The demand for active participation in the construction of one's own personality elevates the child in his own eyes and encourages him to search activity. And when he is convinced that the interpretations that contradict each other do not negate, but complement each other, then the child realizes that the same problem can have many solutions.

Now the so-called “Jewish mother phenomenon” is even being actively discussed on the Internet. This phenomenon is precisely to support a small child in all his attempts to learn about the world, to give a sense of security and to inspire the thought: “You can do anything. If it doesn't work out this way, it will work out differently. Try, act. Look for solutions."

In principle, simple truths, but for some reason everything simple seems ineffective to us. Simple physical education is ineffective - to be in shape, Pilates is a must. In order for a child to grow up successful, “Early Development Schools”, super-elite gymnasiums, and a tutor are definitely needed.

However, in adolescence, communication comes to the fore, and how he will be in his group - confident, active, able to extinguish conflicts or an outcast - depends on the future success of your child.

Therefore, if you are the parents of a teenager, then you need to adjust the methods of communication with your own offspring. After all, adolescence is practically your last chance to correct the mistakes that you made in parenting when your child was a chubby baby with dimples.

1. The main feature of adolescence is drastic hormonal and functional changes in the body, which cannot but affect its psyche. Accordingly, the style of communication with a teenager should be different from the style of communication with a younger student. Rebuild.

2. At this age, teenagers are usually emotionally unstable and vulnerable. So watch HOW you speak as much as WHAT you say.

3. Monologues should be left in the past. What they managed to inspire, they managed. Now just a conversation on an equal footing. Get used to the dialogue.

4. Be more interested in the opinion of a teenager about your being. Ask more often about future major purchases, about planning expenses, about upcoming repairs. Be sure to listen to his recommendations. And, if your son or daughter thinks that the wallpaper in the living room should be green - buy green. If you do it your way, you will lose his trust. Think about what is more important: the trust of your son (daughter) or the color of the wallpaper. And after 5 years, glue new ones, to your taste.

5. During adolescence, communication becomes the leading activity. The impression that a teenager makes on peers comes to the fore. Never criticize him in the presence of friends, do not tell stories about how he was small and did stupid things. This can be painful and rob you of his trust.

- parents do not read notations (see paragraph 3);

– parents understand their culture (fashion, clothing, etc.).

The fact is that in adolescence, the opinion of peers for a child is much more important than the opinion of adults. It is the opinion of peers that affects adolescent self-esteem. And for this reason, teenagers cannot but take into account youth trends both in hobbies and in clothes. Spend a couple of hours of your time and find out who is currently popular with young people. Having offered to listen to something less radical, offer him an alternative in his coordinate system, and not in your own. And it is highly likely that he will listen to you (subject to paragraph 3).

8. Argue! Your offspring called Parfyonov a "bore", but you don't agree? Defend your point of view, but delicately. The policy of conciliation resembles indifference. The child should feel that you are interested in his opinion not only at the everyday level, but also at the global level.

9. At the age of 14–20, you want to change the world. If this is your case, rejoice! Your child has a good heart. Just avoid ridicule! One wrong intonation - and the entrance to his inner world will be closed to you. Support his desire to join youth organizations. The main thing is to check (in the era of the Internet this is not difficult) that the organization does not have an extremist or other negative character.

10. Praise more often. Surely there is something to it. “What would I do without you”, “Thank you for helping”, “Well done” - such simple phrases, but how important they are for a teenager!

Key Mistakes

Mistake #1

They continue to communicate with a teenager, as with a younger student. The difference in perception of the world between them is huge. For a young student, education is the most important thing. That is, one's own solvency is assessed by school success. Therefore, excellent students in the lower grades enjoy indisputable authority.

For teenagers, communication with peers comes first. And his status, self-esteem, self-awareness now depends on whether he is successful with friends, what role he plays among them, a leader or an eternal loser. Appearance comes first. Try to tell a five-year-old girl: “you are fat.” And say the same to a fifteen year old. And you will feel the difference.

Bulimia, anorexia, dysmorphophobia (rejection of one's own appearance) are rooted in adolescence - in a careless word, in disregard for needs.

Mistake #2

Parents do not understand the importance of the first romantic interest. As if forgetting their first love, they begin to interfere with relationships, say nasty things about the object of adoration, or even intrude into personal life: check mail, mobile phone, meet after class. The argument, as a rule, is one: this is a frivolous hobby and can harm your studies. However, in this situation, it could be the other way around. If the beloved or beloved is a serious, positive person who strives to take place in the future, then together it will be easier for them to prepare for exams and pass tests. And by the way, under the influence of the object of love, your offspring, who dreams of a modest non-state university, can believe in himself and pass the exam even better than expected. And all in order to enter Moscow State University together.

Well, if, nevertheless, in youth, the child really “blew his head”, then try to help him organize his living space in such a way that there is enough time for romance and preparation for exams. Seeing on your part a desire to help, and not resistance to his feelings, your offspring may well heed your advice and combine relationships and studies.

Mistake #3

Parents focus on learning, forgetting about the need for communication. Fear for the future of their own child makes parents load a teenager to the fullest. Not only study until the evening, but also homework, courses, tutors.

But in adolescence, the natural need to communicate with peers comes to the fore. Dear parents, who are not in the know: currently success is 20% professionalism and 80% communication. What is communication? It's the ability to communicate. So when to learn this, if not in adolescence? While it’s not scary to fill bumps, learn from your own example that fists are not always an effective argument. Let the child learn new ways of responding, apply new ways out of conflict situations. And if at home his grandmother immediately reacted to his insult with hot cheesecakes, then his peers can send him away. And take offense alone on a bench in the park.

When else to learn communication, if not at this age? And you, on the contrary, tell me, correct me, advise how to behave.

After all, if a person does not know how to communicate, then he will not see a good career - and his rationalization proposal must be correctly substantiated. And the refusal of the boss must be able to correctly argue. And it is desirable to have good relations with colleagues - so that they do not set up, but, on the contrary, help and prompt.

What to say about family life! The ability to communicate constructively is the foundation of a happy family life. Then the conflicts will be constructive, and therefore solvable.

Therefore, humble yourself and, when scheduling classes, be sure to set aside time for communication with peers - going to the cinema, guests, to discos.

Psychologists have long noticed that the environment is the most important factor in the formation of personality. Many authors of books on personal effectiveness and motivation even suggest such an exercise: take the total average income of friends, and those with whom a person communicates most often, and compare it with your own average income. Most often, these two numbers coincide. So, if teenagers compare not income, but average scores in studies, then the result will be about the same.

Communication is our first need. As a result of communication, a person should develop special individual qualities - acceptance of the goals of the team, coordination of actions with the group. If this does not happen, then in adulthood there may be great difficulties in communication - such a person simply will not be able to find a common language with colleagues.

Indeed, no matter how a person is endowed with the talent of a pianist, if he lives in a marginal environment, he will never know about his talent. Accordingly, the most ordinary child, who is brought up among musicians, has every chance to take a worthy place in the artistic world. Therefore, it is so important for parents to keep track of the children's social circle, which can be both a step up the steps of personality development and down.

A case from psychological practice:

Igor, 13 years old, was brought in for a consultation by his father. Athletic, fit, confident man. Igor was very similar to him - also athletic, tall, only his eyes were somehow hunted. This contrast was immediately evident: an interesting teenager, and a look like that of a beaten dog.

It turned out that dad saw in Igor exclusively an athlete. Powerful and authoritative, he demanded exceptional results from his son. Daily push-ups, pull-ups, squats. Classes in the swimming section. Participation in competitions where Igor has not yet shown high results. Dad was terribly annoyed and unnerved. “Dumbhead”, “weakling” are the simplest of those epithets that the “kind” dad awarded his son every day.

Igor tried his best, but, apparently, even in amateur sports talent is needed - he did not rise further than fourth or fifth place.

The son really wanted to please his dad, tried his best, the last to leave training. But daddy's hopes did not justify.

In the class, on the contrary, Igor was considered handsome, strong, girls liked him. He studied averagely, but for teenagers this is no longer of fundamental importance. He was not like everyone else, and clearly stood out in a positive way against the background of frail classmates.

One day, the unspoken class leader asked him to help "deal" with the students of a nearby school. What they did not share there is not so important. The fact remains - as soon as the guys from another company saw Igor, so tall, broad-shouldered, they immediately backed off and settled the matter amicably.

This made an impression on the class leader, and he began to invite Igor "to meetings" more and more often. And then Igor was completely accepted into their team.

Now he was surrounded by guys who studied very poorly, were not fond of anything except computer games, and the nearest plans extended only to the next weekend. No long-term projects, no dreams, no life goals.

But they really appreciated Igor, treated him with respect. Yes, and other classmates, who had previously treated the guy indifferently, suddenly saw something in him: they began to call for birthdays, walks.

Igor began to skip training, to be insolent to dad. Dad initially reset everything to a transitional age, hormonal changes. But once he "caught" Igor smoking behind the garages and was so shocked that he did not even scold him - he simply did not know how to react. It was after the smoking episode that both of them came to me for a consultation.

“You see,” Dad tried to speak confidently, “I do everything for him. And sports, and a summer camp abroad, and special food - just swim. And not only does he not show results, he also got in touch with these ... - dad could not find words. - They incite him not to go to training, they inspired him that he is so well done. Yes, what a fine fellow he is, if he has never risen above the fourth place?

“You know, I think that his classmates put a slightly different meaning into the word “well done,” I remark. - And they don’t approach Igor with a scale: he won a medal - well done; did not win - a loser.

- But how, so much has been invested. At home, there are as many simulators as in the gym, no household chores, just train, - dad lists.

“Look, he's thirteen and he's seen nothing but sports. If Igor has not achieved great results before this time, then he is unlikely to become an Olympic champion. Do you know how many kids go in for sports after school? Millions. And how many of those who go to a sports school are part of the Olympic reserve? And look how many champions we have. Sports also require talent. If your child does not have it, it is neither good nor bad. That's what nature intended. Maybe he has a talent for something else.

“So, just drop everything like that?” Daddy jumps up and down in his chair.

“Of course not,” I say. Why is everything either black or white? Or an Olympic champion, or no classes at all. Try to find the middle ground. With your endless nitpicking, you only lower your son's self-esteem - and nothing more. The child must be successful. If he loses all the time, then the idea that he is a loser takes root very firmly in his subconscious, which poisons his life.

- That is, to praise him for fourth place? - Dad clearly does not understand how this is possible.

- Listen, sometimes even the participants of the Olympic Games are praised for places that are far from the prize money. What to say about simple regional competitions? And then, I think that the fourth place is not the last.

- No, but you have to try, - dad is still resisting, not too actively.

- And Igor is trying. Or did he place fourth in his very first competition?

- No, he walked to him for a long time ... - dad paused, - he climbed for several years. The fourth one is also ... not the fifteenth for you.

“See, he tried. Understand that a child (and even an adult) should not be compared with other people and not with some abstract result. And with him the past. Today I did 10 push-ups from the floor - well done. Tomorrow I did fifteen push-ups - yes you are smart! Your Igor really needs your praise and approval. And since you criticize him all the time, he began to look for this approval elsewhere. And, as you can see, I found it very quickly. Naturally, he does not want to lose the trust of the guys, so he listens to their advice. And since the company ... to put it mildly, are not Oxford students, then their advice is appropriate.

Thank God, Igor's dad drew the right conclusions from our conversation. He talked with his son, said that he still did well with him, that taking fourth place in the competition was not given to everyone. What loves and understands. And if Igor wants to, then he can go swimming not so hard.

Igor, having received praise and recognition from his father for his successes, not only did not leave the sport, but also began to practice with greater pleasure. At our last meeting, he told me that he now communicates with the guys “from that company” much less often, since there is no time. But they sometimes began to go to his competitions and terribly loudly get sick.

Yes, he still does not rise above fourth place, but he is already not so painful about this. However, just like his dad.

And I also noticed that Igor's look has changed. He became open and confident.

The fact that in adolescence children divide everything into “black” and “white” prevents them from seeing some of the nuances in the behavior and preferences of their friends. By the way, have you noticed that some adults are just as categorical? “Whoever is not with us is against us,” is a slogan that probably every person on the planet knows.

As adults, we also fall under the influence of other people. And happiness if it will be a positive influence. How many adults could not resist sectarians, extremists and God knows who else. What to say about teenagers with their mobile psyche.

Therefore, you, dear parents, must know exactly who surrounds your child, with whom he communicates. It was in the USSR that “bad company” meant, in the worst case, criminals. In our time, everything has become much more terrible - terrorists, extremists and so on.

And so that such a misfortune does not happen to your child, try to follow simple rules.

1. To begin with, it makes sense to make sure that the company really negatively affects your child, that you are not, as the heroine of the film "Pokrovsky Gates" said: "... in the blinkers of your prejudice." To do this, ask the teenager more often about his pastime: what did you do, what did you talk about, what are your plans for the future. The conversation should not resemble an interrogation in the Gestapo, it should be a dialogue. Often the picture becomes clearer after the very first words - it becomes clear to you whether you were worried in vain or not.

2. If a person trusts you, he listens to your opinion. To inspire the trust of your own child, you must regularly perform at least most of the previous ten points.

3. It should be remembered that direct prohibitions will not achieve anything for you. It is much more effective to show an alternative to bad communication. True, for this you have to invest psychologically. Go more often with your child to different events, hiking, travel together. Sign up together (and visit!) in some "Winter Fishing Club" - provided that your offspring is interested. Introduce him to new, extraordinary people. Communication with more exciting interlocutors will gradually replace people with limited, primitive interests.

4. Your child should not have too much free time. Sports, music, daily chores - download it to the fullest! When choosing extracurricular activities, be sure to take into account his interests, only in this case there will be a return. And often praise him for helping around the house. Say you can't do it without him. It motivates.

5. Give him more books from the series "Life of Remarkable People." In adolescence, there is a very great craving for high life accomplishments, for feats. Lay out these books even in the toilet (what to do? In this case, the end justifies the means). And then, as if by chance, ask: “Do you think Alexander the Great could conquer the world if he was afraid of difficulties”? Or: “Darling, do you imagine a drunken Napoleon”? Such questions, asked after reading an interesting, motivating book, make you think.

6. Sometimes even loving parents do not immediately find out about a child getting into a bad company. Watch for changes in behavior: depression, sudden mood swings, reactions that have not been observed before - a reason to start immediate action. First, just talk kindly - without irritation, reproaches. Tell him that you love him very much, but you are worried. If you listen carefully (!) and hear what your child tells you, you will clarify a lot for yourself. And then make a decision: it's just your fears or the child needs to be urgently shown to a psychologist for an individual consultation.

7. Train your child to say no. It should be at the level of his reflexes. Often the first step into bad company begins with the inability to rebuff the phrase: “but weakly”? Teach him routine but exhaustive phrases against which there is nothing to object to. For example, to the offer to try vodka, you can answer: “I already tried it, it doesn’t taste good. I did not like". My relative, when asked to pierce her eyebrow, replied: "I will not feel happy with a hole in my eyebrow." No more requests were made to her. And what do you object? Happiness is a subjective concept.

8. No matter how trite it sounds, but you must be familiar with his friends. Then you will be able to better control the situation and prevent the negative impact in time. Call friends-girlfriends of the offspring to your home, on joint trips. Communicate with them, but without obtrusiveness. Praise, but don’t compare (God forbid you say: “Look, how well Sveta can cook, not like you.” Just say: “Sveta, how great you know how to bake pies”). And when your child's friends say to him: "You have cool parents”, - you will receive additional arguments why your opinion should be heeded.

9. A teenager needs recognition of his talents, skills and abilities. If he does not find them in the family, he will find them on the side. And there is a high probability that he will find them in that very “bad company”. From here a very simple conclusion - more often recognize the dignity of your children. Arguments that he will “be arrogant”, “grow up an egoist” do not stand up to criticism. He is arrogant only if you praise him excessively and for no reason. Or the occasion will be more likely to condemn the act, and not to approve. But if your child finished the semester with a single B, studying hard, why not praise him for it?

10. It happens, unfortunately, that all your efforts to counter bad influence are useless. In this case, it makes sense to change the place of residence - away from the previous one. Often the distance is quite a tangible obstacle to communication, and it gradually fades away. Remember: there can be several apartments, they can change, and you have one child for life.

Key Mistakes

Mistake #1

The pressure of stereotypes. Stereotypes play a very important role in our life. It only seems that we are free, creative. And if you have an operation, which doctor will you go to? To a handsome uncle in a starched dressing gown, with a gray beard, or to a young doctor with earrings in his ears and tattoos? Of course, the series "Interns" somewhat changed the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bmedics, but still - most of us will choose a gray-haired bearded doctor. And why? Because his majesty stereotype is stronger than any series. This, if you like, is a kind of sign: one's own or someone else's.

In antiquity, it was precisely such a clear division that helped the ancient man to survive. If you run into someone else, it is not a fact that you will remain alive. As they say, times have changed, but the stereotype remains.

In his work "Public Opinion" (1922), the American scientist W. Lippman argued that these are ordered, schematic "pictures of the world" in a person's head, which save his efforts when perceiving complex social objects and protect his values, positions and rights. Social psychologist G. Tejfel summarized the main findings of research in the field of social stereotype:

• people readily show a willingness to characterize vast human groups with undifferentiated, coarse, and biased signs;
• this categorization is highly stable over a very long time;
• social stereotypes can change to some extent depending on social, political or economic changes, but this process is extremely slow;
• social stereotypes become more distinct and hostile when there is social tension between groups;
• they are acquired very early and used by children long before the emergence of clear ideas about the groups to which they belong;
• social stereotypes are not a big problem when there is no obvious hostility in group relations, but it is extremely difficult to modify and manage them in conditions of significant tension and conflict.

And now, if suddenly your child's environment does not match your idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat "decent young people" should look like, you do a rack. Who are these people, how do they influence your child, why are they dressed like that, why do they listen to such strange music?

Hitler's colleague A. Speer, in his last speech at the Nuremberg trials, said: "With the help of such technical means as radio and loudspeakers, independent thinking was taken away from eighty million people." This proves once again that many stereotypes were simply imposed on us.

The best way out of this situation is to get to know the offspring's friends and the culture they promote. Perhaps it's something harmless. Yes, they are not like that, but do you really think that everyone was delighted with hippies in the 60s?

Mistake #2

Aggression towards friends. When you are attacked, you defend yourself. Moreover, you automatically defend yourself, even if you feel that you are wrong. The same thing happens here. If you attack friends aggressively, your child will automatically defend them. And even if he feels you are right, the principle will not allow him to recognize his friend as “bad”.

Therefore, when you find your own child in a suspicious company, calmly ask about new friends. Above, I wrote that the need for communication in adolescence is leading, which means that something attracted your child to new friends. It is possible that communication with them is his form of protest. And in fact, he wants to say something to YOU ​​with his strange communication. As the saying goes: "I'm not crying for you, but for Aunt Sima!"

So the first step is to talk. If you remember that there is a huge difference between a conversation and an interrogation in the Gestapo, then it is quite possible that your doubts will be dispelled.

Mistake #3

By rejecting his "bad" friends, you are not helping him find "good" ones. A teenager's sense of self is significantly influenced by his status among his peers. And, sadly, in our time, even such a question, with whom to be friends with a child, is not complete without parental participation.

Everything was simple before. Children and teenagers spent most of their free time outside of school. Here they were socialized, here they learned the first rules of communication. In their mass, everyone was equal, and if there were frank outcasts in terms of behavior, then the guys “from good families' We had almost no contact with them. And why, when there is a full yard of friends and there will always be someone who shares your interests.

Are there many children now playing in the yards on their own? If only in cottage villages in a protected area. And the simple courtyards of high-rise buildings were empty. Children play under adult supervision. Teenagers go to cafes or shopping centers. Or chat on social media.

It turns out that communication with peers is possible either at school or in courses. And where else to get acquainted, in the yard there are only mothers with strollers and pensioners. And who lives next door - we do not know at all.

Dear parents, you will again have to take everything into your own hands and organize a worthy social circle for your own offspring. First, this summer camps. How long can you travel with you to the country? Let him go to the camp - talk to his peers. There are a lot of horror stories about the camps about the presence of drugs, alcohol, marginalized individuals and ugly guards there. This is somewhat exaggerated. Google it, chat on forums, read reviews. There are, on the contrary, summer camps with very strict discipline.

Secondly, despite the fact that the Komsomol has already sunk into oblivion, there are a huge number of youth public organizations in our country. Both local and federal. They hold various seminars, rallies, flash mobs and much more that is interesting to a modern teenager. Look at the directions of their activities and invite your child to go to a page on the Internet. He's still on social media anyway.

Maybe the first time he will reject your offer, but if you are more cunning and persistent, you will achieve the result. Only when offering, consider his interests. It is unlikely that your modest daughter, who loves dogs and cats, will want to attend seminars of young active political scientists.

And how many youth volunteer organizations we have! The Internet will help you, you will be terribly surprised! Again, find something useful for your own child and try to interest. What to do, the time is such that you even have to take such a thing as friendship under your unobtrusive (this is the key word) control.

Mistake #4

Without educating the child's willpower, you do not teach him to rebuff provocations. Will is the highest level of regulation of human behavior. And this is the main difference between man and other living beings - the presence of will. It is thanks to the presence of will that a person is able to set goals and achieve them, overcoming internal and external obstacles. It is thanks to the will that a person's choice is conscious when he has to choose from several models of behavior.

Interestingly, volitional behavior can be simple or complex. If volitional behavior is simple, then the goal does not go beyond the immediate situation. And such behavior is carried out with the help of simple, habitual actions that are performed almost “automatically”.

But a complex volitional process ... It includes both taking into account the consequences and understanding the true motives for making a decision.

A complex volitional act includes 4 stages:

1. goal setting;

2. struggle of motives;

3. decision;

4. execution.

Volitional action is a conscious, purposeful action that subordinates all impulses to strict subconscious control, changing the surrounding space in accordance with a given goal. The presence of willpower and volitional behavior is always associated with the application of efforts, decision-making, and the implementation of plans.

By the way, one of the signs of volitional behavior is the lack of direct pleasure received in the process of achieving a result.

Psychologist S.L. Rubinstein, considering issues of the psychology of will in his writings, identified several mechanisms for training willpower:

- anticipation of the results of their activities;

- setting independent tasks;

- creating artificial connections (for example, I will wash the floor and immediately go for a walk);

- subordination of the result to a wider goal;

- fantasy.

All these mechanisms must be trained from childhood, and it is necessary to train. If a teenager has a big goal, adequate self-esteem, he is unlikely to succumb to provocations.

Imagine purely hypothetically that at the Olympics in Sochi, on the eve of the performance of a free program, a girlfriend will come to the figure skater Tatyana Volosozhar and say: “Tan, let's go for a walk. Let's go to the club, drink champagne." I think that the answer is obvious - the girlfriend will fly out of the room like a butterfly. Because when you have a big, meaningful goal - to become an Olympic champion - various provocations are perceived as stupidity in the highest degree.

And if the mythical girlfriend starts to take “weakly”, call her “henpecked”, then guess three times, will the skater feel guilty about sending her away? Not at all, I think.

Your children should be able to refuse, be able to respond to provocations. And without willpower training, it will be extremely difficult for them to do this. Help them set a goal, teach them to refuse. Then your child will be safer than his peers, who, for the praise of outsiders: “Well done, not afraid, drank!” – will be ready to give up their own principles.

A case from psychological practice:

In training for teenagers, I often use one exercise that trains the ability to refuse.

It's called "My Territory". To perform this exercise, you will need a regular rope. Or a gymnastic hoop. Each person from the group takes turns going to the center of the hall and using a rope or a hoop on the floor makes a circle. Then it becomes the center of this circle. This is his private territory. You cannot enter it without permission. You can only persuade him to let him into his circle.

The task of a teenager standing in a circle is not to let anyone in for as long as possible, the task of the group is to get into the circle. To get inside the circle, members of the group can use any tricks: psychological manipulation, flattery, persuasion. The main thing is to find a weak spot, to pick up the key to the person standing inside the circle.

The task of the facilitator is to draw the attention of a teenager who is inside the circle, to which manipulations he reacts most painfully. Which made him especially uncomfortable to hear. And discuss with the group what words they used to hide what manipulations, on what strings of the soul they tried to play. It can be fear, desire for pleasure, pity, shame, etc.

For example, manipulations based on guilt may well be covered with harmless ones: “Yeah, I gave you my gadget, and you’re like this with me ...” And outright flattery can also be quite decently packaged: “How is such a good, smart person like you, can you keep me out of the circle?”

When completing the exercise, be sure to tell the teenager: “You give me the hoop (or rope), but your territory, your private space, will remain with you. Repeat". The teenager repeats so that his subconscious mind remembers that private territory is a holy place, and a person has the right to refuse anyone to enter it.

Psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto called this difficult age the “lobster stage.” Dropping one shell and not having time to build up another, the teenager is defenseless. He rushes about, defends himself and tries to assert himself ... through confrontation with adults.

Existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova recalls that “adolescence is a time of radical changes: appearance changes, sexuality awakens, new sensations, feelings arise ... Internal barriers collapse, but new complexes also appear. And until the fears associated with these changes subside, the teenager will look for himself. Regardless of the risk of self-destruction, and even self-destruction. In this frantic pursuit, children "stumble" on the opinion and authority of their parents.

“Everything that happens to teenagers is paradoxical,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. - They crave independence, but fear the unknown. They explore the boundaries of what is permitted, but refuse to recognize them. To learn how to build new relationships with other people, a teenager needs to separate from his parents. They need both firmness and ... flexibility: after all, having run into a wall, a teenager immediately bounces off it, and when faced with an obstacle, for example, from sand, he slows down, losing swiftness and uncontrollability.

“In addition, many modern parents lack self-confidence,” the psychotherapist clarifies. - Difficulties experienced by the child undermine their self-esteem. They are often afraid of a teenager, but even more afraid of themselves, their impotence. Feeling their confusion, the teenager loses confidence in them and attacks them, although he feels guilty for behaving aggressively towards them.

Cyril finished the ninth grade. He is the only child of Natalia. She is 45 years old, she is a teacher, she works at the same school where her son studies. Cyril's father died when the boy was five. For a year now, Kirill has been in crisis. Relations have become detached, conflicts often arise. Despite mutual misunderstanding and strong irritation, mother and son agreed to talk in the psychotherapist's office. It is impossible to live in constant confrontation, and deep down both of them understand this. And their attempt to understand each other suggests that they are looking for a way out of a difficult situation, not alone, but still together.

Kirill: I don't know why it doesn't work out between you and me. You are always right in everything, you demand, demand, demand ... But I don’t want this anymore, I’m tired of your laws and nit-picking! I won't be like you anyway... You are respected at school, even in my class. But you don't trust me! You forbid me too much. And when I really need to be stopped, you don't do anything. I don't think you care about me at all. But for some reason you are enough for others, for their problems! When I hear from friends that I can talk to you normally, I'm offended. I even envy them and… hate you.

Natalia: I have to be both mother and father to you. You are the most important person to me. And when I scold you, I don't get any pleasure out of it. Someone has to be strict in the family. But you don’t hear me at all, you are in some kind of impenetrable case. It went in one ear and out the other. It's impossible to live like that.

Why are you allowing me to behave like this? (After a pause.) You're always watching where I'm going, but you don't want to see how bad I feel. You don't care at all why I do what you don't like. So I'm not telling you anything ... I don't want you to help me.

I'm not such a jerk as my classmates, I imagine how you listen to them, and you yourself yawn from boredom. You still stick matches in your eyes so as not to fall asleep. You just say to me - "I'm tired." Who needs such a life, since you are tired all the time and you do not care about your own son. How can I tell you everything?

I know you have a strong character, but you are not spending your strength there. You do not need to show miracles of will and perseverance with me, but with mathematics, which you almost failed. I understand that now you are at such an age, you need to assert yourself - but to be so cruel towards me, towards those closest to me ...

I want to live without your instructions, I want to build my own life. Do you hear? I have my own life!

In order to communicate normally, you just need to buy me the computer that I wanted. Just something to buy a computer! And do not lie that there is no money, you bought yourself a car. I don't want a close relationship with you. Yes, we never had them. I don't want your instructions, I want to live my life. Do you hear? I have my own life!

If you only knew how much it hurts me to hear what you're saying right now. I see that you are confused, and I want to hug you, stroke you ... Well, why are you grimacing? I am your mother, and I will always worry about you. And I'm so bitter, so hurt that we fight all the time. You are prickly as a hedgehog ... I can not help you with anything, because you leave me, and then you accuse me of not doing anything for you ... I lose heart. You have become a complete stranger, I feel that I am losing you.

Yes, I just can’t see you ... You are generally unfair to me, and all the time. You do not allow to go to night training (for parkour. - Approx. ed.). You don't like my friends? I always feel like I'm small. And it infuriates me. Scandal for any reason: school, cleaning, friends, computer, mobile ... And food too. I hate salad! I've been telling you this since the first grade, and you're preparing it again.

You just blow my mind. Understand, I can do everything myself! I even lied to my aunt that you had asthma to prove that I can get what I want from anyone. Yes, I needed money for a computer... I shouldn't have taken away my old one. Why do not you trust me? Okay, I lied to you, well, it was. Now my aunt doesn't believe me either... After I told her that you need expensive medicines. So what?

You live in a fantasy world… Someone should remind you of reality.

"I always explain my position"

Dmitry, 37 years old, geography teacher

“I always tell my students: I respect myself, my profession and the subject I teach. If I manage to convey to them the meaning of these words, I immediately feel a response - they hear and see me. I think the teacher should position himself in such a way that the children respect him, but at the same time feel comfortable. And at the same time they saw in him a person to whom you can turn with any question. At the same time, as a teacher, I need to notice all the changes that are constantly taking place at school, and be able to adapt to them, to be “in the know”.

This is the only way to maintain your authority. Although, of course, it is always difficult with teenagers, this age is one of the most difficult, and it is necessary for children, parents, and teachers to go through it. At this time, children communicate very closely with friends and often try to try out on adults what is accepted in their company: well, how will you react to this? If a student is frankly rude to me, I either translate it as a joke, or talk to him, explain my position, try to understand him, offer a way out ...

It is important that he make sure that I am not indifferent, and do not feel unnecessary - these feelings dissolve both hands and tongue for children. Each of my students is important and interesting to me, in each I try to see a personality, with its own psyche, history, and characteristics. If I do not respect children, they will simply lose interest in my subject. At the same time, I very carefully keep the distance - if the teacher suddenly turns into “his own”, a shirt-guy, he will not be able to achieve either respect or results. You must always stay one step higher. Something to advise right moment joke, but do not sit at the same desk with them.

I generally had a difficult year. Our school sucks. I don’t understand why I need to study mathematics, why go to college, if then I live like you? I don't know what I'll be doing, but it won't be exactly what you're doing. I want to live differently, you know - differently! I know that sometimes I do a lot of things that I shouldn't. Here with asthma I obviously went too far ...

Sasha (aunt. - Approx. ed.) and grandfather now cannot treat you the same way. How do I look into their eyes? And your friends - they are all older than you - why do they need you? They're just taking money out of you! You sit in a cafe all the time ... I can’t be silent, but I can see perfectly and know how it will all end!

And I'll still do what I want. I want to try everything, I need to understand that in general I can. And my friends understand me. I'm interested in them. So this is not a provocation, as you think.

You were promoted to tenth grade just because I work at this school. And you just flunked the math! The way you ended the year is awful. And you kept assuring me that everything was under control! It turns out that I brought you up badly, that I didn’t cope, and everyone sees this at school ...

It hurts me not even from what you say - it hurts me that we have no contact with you

I didn't think it would turn out like this. Although I did goof around all year, it was. But at school - in general nonsense. There is nothing interesting there ... And all these tensions around the exam? But I like parkour. And the coach builds us all normally, and training starts so late, because the city needs to fall asleep so that we can work normally. I need time to figure out what I really want. And all the time I'm just doing ... putting things in order.

When you start yelling at me, I feel like you don't respect me at all. I am ashamed and very offended. Also because I can solve any conflict at work, they consider me the most imperturbable person there, and with you I can’t stand even two minutes. Especially when I hear from you: “I'm tired of you!”

Well, I know you're uncomfortable. But understand: the words, they pop out by themselves. Usually I immediately begin to regret that I said something different there. In general, I don't always think what I'm actually saying.

It hurts me not even from what you say - it hurts me that we have no contact with you. All year I felt that it was difficult for you. I wanted to help you, cheer you up, but I could not, because I ran into a blank wall. I understand that I am powerless, and this is simply unbearable, because I am ready for anything for you ... I respect you, your desire to be independent, but I need at least some truth about your life, I need to understand what is happening to you. When I come home from work, I always go to your room. I would like you to tell me something, no matter what you had for dinner. But I hear only "yes", "no" ... We are like at war.

When I have children, I will try to have a good relationship before they grow up.

But what can we talk about! If I, for example, tell you how we broke away in English, what will you answer me - that I haven’t done my homework yet? ..

I criticize you to protect you. I'm very worried about you, very much. You feel bad, but you push me away. Although, you know, at the age of 16 I lived only for myself, I thought only about myself, about my friends, and my parents knew nothing about me, and did not strive for this. Unlike me, by the way: I really want to be with my son in human relations.

Sometimes I think it's still forming, but it's getting worse. I don't know - will we ever be able to communicate normally? You always wanted me to be obedient... But when I realized that living like this does not make sense, I fell silent. It's just hard to go back.

Do you think it's irreparable? Can't we get closer?

Don't know. Not now... You know, when I have children, I will try to have a good relationship before they grow up. So that everything is as it should be.

How to get respect from grandparents as a parent

“My seven-year-old daughter spent a week with her grandmother. The first thing I saw when I arrived to pick her up was her short haircut. Mom didn't even ask me anything! I was terribly angry, screaming - well, I can’t be silent when decisions are made for me, they don’t respect me, my opinion. After all, I am the mother of my child!”
Ekaterina, 34 years old

Svetlana Krivtsova, existential psychotherapist

What is behind this?

“Do a little research. Who initiated the haircut? How did your daughter react to this idea? And how is Grandma? Add to the answers you received what you knew before: such behavior is typical for your mother or, on the contrary, looks unexpected, strange ... So you can more clearly understand what the essence of this act is. True, for this you will have to look at the situation through the eyes of a grandmother - which is not easy for a person who is offended. Try to understand this story with the thought that no one intentionally wanted to offend you.

How to stand up for yourself?

“After finding out the motives for what happened, think about how you can protect yourself. For example, tell your mother: "I understand that you wanted the best - to make it easier to comb your hair, to mess less with hairpins." Then talk about how you feel: “But when I remember that we were talking on the phone that day and you didn't tell me anything, I feel really bad. Like I'm empty. It's hard to bear. I think you understand me."

Sometimes this is enough. If the mother habitually “does not hear”, then add something to your words that will make her take you more seriously: for example, promise to involve your father or husband in the conversation or switch to a tougher tone - which, by the way, you did, when they saw their daughter. Only now will the harsh manner be justified (you tried other measures, but they did not help), and you will not be tormented by guilt for yelling at your own mother.

If the conversation does not work out again, move on to actions. They are more eloquent than words: physically distance the grandmother, do not give her the child for the holidays anymore, and when she notices that you have begun to avoid her, calmly explain your position. Maybe that's when the time will come for a serious conversation.

Something is wrong with the teenager.

Signs of internal readiness for suicide can be changes in sleep and appetite, problems with academic performance, loss of interest in one's appearance, and increased aggressiveness. Teenagers may start giving away things that are dear to their friends. Without parental support, a teenager often gives up.

When a child is small, the mother herself decides when and how to address him with anything - “now we will go for a walk”, “time to sleep”, “would you like another spoonful”. But with a teenager who has self-respect, such an “when I want” treatment turns into arrogance. Yes, parents have the right to control the child, but he should already have a personal space where even the closest can enter only with permission.

"More freedom" is the first pressing need of a teenager. Being alone with yourself is a normal and natural state for a person who chooses who to be, with whom to be, what to be, who answers the most important life questions.

The same with friends. The ability to choose your own friends is the second of the most urgent needs of teenagers.

And if you are experiencing difficulties with your son or your daughter, this means one of two things - either you are not engaged in making your life happy, or you take on the responsibility of leading the life of a child, which is no longer your concern, but a direct responsibility. your child. Because if at the highest level to summarize all the aspirations of parents, then the goal will be:

“I want my child to become a decent, responsible person, able to make the right decisions about himself.”

How should parents behave if a teenager is closed?

Stay calm and remember to strive for your own happiness and for your child to be in charge of himself and make his own decisions.

Discord between you and your child is an opportunity for you to change and develop.

Determine for yourself fair rights in these relationships and make a decision to stand up for them. Understand that if you can rely on yourself to take care of your own rights, you will be calm and confident no matter what turn your relationship with your child takes.

Recognize the fact that individual skirmishes with a child are quite acceptable.

In all this, count on your own openness as the main means.

The flip side of isolation can be irritability.

How to respond to the irritation of the child?

The outbursts of irritation and the closing of the door of his room are not so simple. They usually occur in response to something you did that could affect both the child's life ("No, you're not

going to a friend's until you finish your homework") and your own life ("I'm not going to lend you my bag for tonight"). Outbursts of irritation also occur if you have previously made concessions to the child more than once, but now for some reason you have changed your usual behavior. As a result, you can train the child's irritability by reinforcing it from time to time.

Much of what upsets you in a child's behavior is not done because it is pleasant in itself, and not because the child hates you, but in order to get you to give him negative attention and thereby save yourself from having to make their own responsible decisions. Negative attention is a reprimand, condemnation, worried advice, all sorts of evidence of disapproval of his behavior, and

sometimes even more desperate attempts at control. But in fact, the child needs help and support in his ability to make his own decisions.

What to do if a teenager says that you do not love him, calls him names, threatens to run away, commit suicide, reproaches that you gave birth to him.

Teenagers usually tell their parents all this for two reasons.

1. Because of some really existing problem, and then the child needs help and, as it were, indicates the existence of the problem by telling parents such things.

2. Knowing it pisses the parent off.

In the first case, you need to fix the problem, in the second - ignore what has been said.

And in none of these cases should you show negative attention to the child, should not get upset, give cuffs, snap, or experience feelings of anxiety, guilt or anger.

And if this is the first time you have heard something like this from a child, take it very seriously, express your concern and offer help. In the future, if behind the words of the child

sees a real danger, you must do everything in your power to

prevent it. If the statements continue, check if you yourself reinforce them with your own reaction.

Don't let yourself get upset every time your child says something like that. Your frustration is the reinforcement. Try not to get started.

Much of what upsets you about your child's behavior is done to get you to give him negative attention.

Five Steps to Changing Consumer Attitudes

1. You have not only parental responsibilities, but also rights. Define them and establish that they are fair. This step assumes that you will sincerely try to negotiate with the child, regardless of whether this attempt will or will not be successful, if necessary, repeat. At this stage, the main thing is to say clearly what you want, what kind of relationship you have with yourself, with friends, with things, with studies, with the future. This is important because, as a rule, all attention in such conversations is concentrated only on what your child does, what he wants, how he perceives and experiences what is happening, and everything that you do, want and experience, or not at all plays little or no role in your

conversations. Change it.

2. Insist if you can't agree on everything the first time. Sometimes it is useful to repeat all your requirements again, sometimes break them down and discuss each one separately.

3. Repeat the second step many times if the problem occurs again

and again, will help you.

4. If you are persistent, then the child will eventually have the conviction that your word is really trustworthy and you will actually do what you say.

5. If that doesn't work, start a parent strike. Think about what you do only for the sake of duty towards the child - dinner every night, teaching the child, buying groceries, doing laundry. And once you've made a list, do only what makes you happy and what you really want to do. It's hard to say "I'm not going to cook dinner tonight" for the first time, but try to extend the phrase, for example, "I'm not going to do your laundry this week. I feel cheated when I do something, but I don't see any return. I'm not going to do this just for myself." Agree, it sounds different. Then go about your business. If the child begins to do what you agreed, then you end your strike.

It is easy to agree with these principles, it is difficult to learn to live in accordance with them. But probably. We wish you to find such a golden mean between freedom and control, which will allow you to maintain a trusting relationship with your child for the rest of your life.