How to understand the behavior of guys at the initial stage. Seven fatal mistakes that women make at the beginning of a relationship

Many girls, despite the fact that they managed to go through many unsuccessful relationships, could not understand why these relationships did not succeed. The thing is that many girls already at the beginning of a romantic relationship with a new friend tend to make many mistakes. These shortcomings affect the male consciousness in a certain way, and a man inevitably has a desire to end such a relationship. The first common mistake many women make is competing with a man. Every man wants to be sure that he was lucky enough to meet the best of the best. Naturally, many men prefer to see a beautiful, sexy, smart, economic and fashionable person next to them. And this list cannot be considered complete. Rivalry is perceived quite adequately by men, but only if the girl competes with other representatives of the fair sex, and not with the man himself. But many girls do not fully understand the acceptable spirit of competition and begin to brag to a man about their career success, physical fitness or broad outlook. A man, of course, will pay attention to this, but will not appreciate it the way you would like it.

Instead of focusing on your own achievements, it is better to pay attention to the man's personality and say that you admire his victories and successes. Otherwise, any man will inevitably feel his “fading” against your background and decide that in family relationships you will strive for leadership. Meanwhile, not everyone likes the fate of a henpecked man. The second common mistake women make is that they come to the conclusion too early that everything is already decided. At the same time, people in a couple can think for a long time about where they would like to spend their vacation, or how an engagement ring should look like. However, such dreams should remain only in thoughts. They should not be voiced. Naturally, until your chosen one himself speaks on a similar topic. Instead, many girls already in the early stages of a relationship decide that they like and are satisfied with everything, so they have already made a decision. While the gentleman, perhaps, did not think at all about the seriousness of such a relationship. Women should clearly understand that a man is literally amused by the idea that he always has an "emergency exit."

If you, examining your new home, say that it would not be bad to put a crib right here, then the man will immediately understand that you began to make all the important decisions for him. It can't fix him. One of the worst mistakes is remembering the past. Most men are extremely unpleasant when they begin to compare with someone. At the same time, the greatest discomfort in men appears when the comparison is not in his favor. It is better to remain silent when the image pops up in your head again former lover. Also, do not answer questions that your current boyfriend asks you about your past partners. He doesn't want to know the truth at all. With such questions, men try to persuade a woman to compliments and praises in their address. In order for a man to gain confidence in you and want to maintain a relationship with you for a long time, then tell him that he is the most best lover in the world. Also, you do not need to inspire your man that all his previous girlfriends were much worse than you. In this case, a man may draw a conclusion directly opposite to what you expected.

In addition, he will have the idea that you rank him among the people who are not able to make the right and reasonable choice. A mistake would be such a question in which a woman constantly strives to find out from a man whether he loves her. Hearing words of love in your address is pleasant for everyone without exception. But if a man hears such a question more than once a day, then he may think that you have memory problems, or you have doubts about his feelings. Many men even consider such a question as a manifestation of the fact that a woman has nothing more to talk about. It is better to wait until, under the influence of emotions, the man himself will express words of love to you. Otherwise, this question will cause doubts in the soul of a man. Sooner or later, a man will seriously think about the question of whether he loves his woman. And the result of deliberation may not be very good for you. Many men are annoyed by the female habit, in which a woman seems to demonstrate her chosen one to her friends. None of us likes to feel like a museum piece. Women should take into account the peculiarity male psychology, in which men act as hunters, but not prey or trophies.

Men do not like such a feminine feature, in which the girl seeks to plan everything in advance. If a man often hears from his chosen one a detailed plan for a day or a week, then he involuntarily gets the feeling that she began to manage his life. No man will pretend to be an obedient puppet. A very common female mistake is to control each of the steps of a man. This can manifest itself in constant calls to your loved one, an interest in what he is doing now, if he is bored, etc. It is possible that a man really already misses you, but he is unlikely to intend to discuss this fact, especially while at the workplace. If calls from a woman are received regularly during the day, then this can piss off any man. At the initial stage of the relationship, you should not say "we" too often. Men develop and become ready for certain actions much later than women. And even when you have already met for a month, the man still continues to perceive each of you individually. Therefore, generalizations here will be useless. No need to rush things. Watch the man's reaction carefully. Let him take the initiative in everything. So it will be easier for you to bring it to a concrete and more decisive step, providing for your joint future.

Every time a new relationship appears on the horizon, we are overwhelmed with feelings, new hopes, and the feeling of butterflies in the stomach accompanies us everywhere. But the older we get, the more difficult it is to feel again that inspiration, that first love with which new beautiful novels begin. And the reason for this is not only the accumulated experience, unfortunately, not always positive, not only the fears that haunt after a series of failed attempts to become happy, but also the period of time in which these new relationships are born.

When is the best time to start them?

Of course, it is impossible to answer this question, as many people - so many stories. But it’s worth asking yourself before you become a part of your partner. Partly, because relationships imply that single substance in which a man and a woman are located, from which they draw inspiration for new beginnings, and which cannot be reached alone.
Already at the initial stage, it is worth honestly answering the question to yourself: “Do I want a relationship or is it just communication, not binding to anything?”.
Often we enter into relationships that are not at all filled with elevated feelings. You just want warmth and care, or at any cost to create a family / have a child, a relationship of convenience with some benefit, or just like that. But all these reasons are far from the classical concept of real feelings, butterflies in the stomach and constantly ringing bells.
Anyone who has experienced something like this at least once in their life understands what is at stake. And, moreover, the survivor of it once will long to touch it again.
The most important thing in a relationship is right time. That's how we started a relationship when we were 16-18. But now we are increasingly analyzing, reflecting - doing everything possible to confuse ourselves through prejudices and written rules by no one knows. It doesn’t matter at all how much has passed since the end of the previous relationship - conventions only get in the way here. The main thing is that period of time when both partners felt attraction, attraction, desire in communicating with each other (and not only sexual). You should not start a relationship earlier, relying on “suddenly it will work out”, or delay it, wanting to “take your time”. In both the first and second cases, it is like a fruit: either it was picked unripe, and it will have an inferior taste; or it was removed later, when it began to fade and its taste no longer pleases. The timeliness of everything and everything is the law of nature. And there is no need for difficulties in relationships - no need to fight nature.

New partner and previous disappointments

Of course, entering into a new relationship, we believe that the past is forgotten, and it no longer matters. And both for us and for our partner. But soon the past begins to reveal itself down to the smallest detail. And here it is very important to show wisdom.
You need to treat with understanding and without fanaticism what happened in your partner’s life before you: he lived a life filled with emotions, feelings, experiences, hopes and dreams. And, of course, these dreams were shattered, hopes were betrayed. Therefore, the fears or restrictions that are now present, they are natural. And it is worth being patient so that they slowly disappear.
Often such a manifestation of the past is perceived by the partner as remaining feelings for the former partner or as an unwillingness to fully surrender to a new relationship. Or just a misunderstanding that you are not the center of the universe, and besides you, the partner has his own life, in which you were (and maybe will be) not always.
In other cases, when the past is painted in bright colors, when previous relationships were light and pleasant (even then partings are not uncommon), it arises because that nostalgia or desire to repeat what you experienced with a new partner will manifest itself in memories, in stories about the past, in created similar situations. And in comparison of the new partner with the previous one. It hurts a lot, but it's natural - we are always looking for the best. If this relationship is really dear to you, you should be patient and prove to your partner that they can become no less beautiful and rich.
One of the common misconceptions is the desire to meet in a new partner someone who could not be kept in the past. The desire for a similar appearance, habits, demeanor, or, even worse, the re-education of a partner. It is worth avoiding this, no matter which side you stand on. Do not allow yourself to be trained and do not try to do this with a partner. New relationships mean new people, new habits, new desires, a new image.
The desires and needs of your ego need to be pushed aside and look at things realistically: a few weeks of a new relationship or 2-3 years of a previous life - there is no right to claim the title of the best of the best. But there are always chances. And you need to use them. The significance of a relationship is measured not by the amount of time spent together, but by the saturation: emotions, events, shared experience. You can spend several years with a person and find that you have nothing to remember, or you can only know each other for a month and already understand that this is the most wonderful period in your life and you already know for sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.

What should be avoided at the beginning of a new relationship?

First of all, stories about the negative past. A person attracts with his inner light, positive energy, sexuality. With stories about your past, you give your partner the paints with which he paints your image. Imagine what could come out of such stories. Of course, it is not only possible, but necessary, to talk about past successes and failures. But then, when a person already has some idea of ​​\u200b\u200byou, and stories about failures will not become the center of your personality in his perception.
In no case do not need to delve into the life and soul of a partner. For relationships to develop harmoniously and bring satisfaction, give your partner what he needs right now, and as much as the situation requires. It is the feeling of peace, lack of tension and moral satisfaction that will become the force that brings people together. Sex, shared hobbies and other types of communication are all important, but real relationships have a purpose and meaning. spiritual satisfaction, balance. Only on such a field do bells ring and butterflies flutter.
In no case do not insist on meetings if you feel some alienation. Don't burden your partner with your company. At the beginning, this is quite natural. Give a person the opportunity not only to be in your company, but also without your attention. Everything is relative. Therefore, it is worth taking a break from each other for a while. This will help you better understand yourself and the situation that is emerging.
Often, temporary alienation and a decrease in the number of meetings are perceived as a negative indicator - the relationship did not work out.
But this is not true. Let's remember that you are no longer 17-18 years old, and both of you had a different relationship until recently. No matter how much we want to believe in our exclusivity and significance for a partner, it takes time. Undoubtedly, we can become just that. But then, when the partner finds himself again in a situation without us, our attention and society, he will return to his past - mentally or actually meet with the former "love". The wisest thing on our part is patience and understanding.
In addition to previous relationships, such a pause is necessary for you. Passion, fleeting infatuation, everything that drives us in moments of despair or disappointment - in periods of calm will manifest itself.
Therefore, at the initial stage of the relationship, do not refuse to pause, if this is the situation. This will help you make the right decisions and not become a "temporary" hobby for your partner.

Jealousy towards a previous partner

It is believed that jealousy in small quantities is necessary for relationships. But what if it's in excess? And to the past. That is what makes it worse.
First, analyze your behavior. How often does a former partner come up in conversations (even if only in a veiled way, without giving a name)? If he does not leave your thoughts, this already indicates that you are not ready for a new relationship, you are still connected with the past.
Secondly, how often and in what way do you show your new partner your attitude towards him? At the initial stage, many try not to do this because different reasons. But in this case, pay exactly the same attention to the past. It is important for a partner to feel that he is important to you. Yes, he is not the first and not the most important, but he is your present.
If you yourself show jealousy, also think: what can this bring in the future, and already very soon? Jealousy is a manifestation of distrust and self-doubt. To show distrust means to doubt the sincerity of the partner’s intentions, the purity of his relationship with you. Self-doubt – you are jealous because you feel threatened by loss. If it really is, perhaps it is wiser to work on yourself?
Recall that this is not just about jealousy, but about jealousy of the former. This is even more stupid, because in addition to distrust and insecurity, you are labeling "property" - main enemy new relationships. Manifestations of jealousy can be very different, but all of them are of no benefit, because any of them restricts the partner's freedom. In the desire to “find out what he is hiding”, “to know absolutely everything about him!” we violate the personal space that each of us is entitled to, whether we are in a relationship or not. Invasion of personal space The best way show disrespect to your partner.
Jealousy for the past is caused by the desire to be more significant and visible in the life of a partner than the "former". This is nothing more than a property label. To be in a relationship does not mean to belong to each other. And at the initial stage of the relationship, you should not even think about it. It is impossible to become that one and long-awaited love for a partner in one day. To do this, you need to prove yourself correctly - to become a wise friend who will support and understand in any situation (even in a situation with the former), become a sexual soul mate who feels desires before they turn into words, and remain just an interesting person who is turned to attention of the opposite sex, whether you are in a relationship or not!
H. Gibran said beautifully about the relationship between a man and a woman in his book The Prophet (chapter on Love and Marriage):
Love one another, but do not make fetters out of love. Let it be, rather, a restless sea, swaying between the shores of your souls ...
Sing and dance together and be joyful, but let each other be alone, For each of the lute strings is itself, although they sound together in one melody ...
And be together, but not too much together: because the columns of the temple stand apart, And oak and cypress do not grow in each other's shade. It is this kind of relationship – free, sublime – that we are looking for every time. And it is very important to learn how to build them, because to understand and feel loved one- this is art.

What drives a man when he really likes a woman? Why are guys like this? It's so simple - just three words "I like you" and that's it! But at the same time, the men are silent. Why?

Before my eyes passed more than one hundred young boys and girls, adult men and mature women with very similar questions and opinions about the relationship of the sexes. Recently, I was reviewing my work notes and I had the idea to write an article and reveal in it some of the characteristic features of the behavior of a guy in love on early stage relations. Men often complain about the incomprehensibility of female logic for them and even about its complete absence. But we, women, also do not always understand the motives of male behavior, especially when it comes to romantic relationships with a woman.

Let's try to think of a relationship as a laid table, where there are meat steaks of passion and physical intimacy, as well as fine wines of romance and mutual commitment. We want to experience it all, to be satiated and to have fun. But if we eat only meat without drinking wine, it will not be very tasty and dry, and if we drink only wine, then we will have fun, get a little drunk, but not satisfy our hunger. Now let me draw an analogy between the metaphor I have proposed and real life: men slightly more than women prefer meat, and women slightly more - wine. Moreover, both of them want to get up from the table full.

Based on the conversations I had with representatives of both sexes, I can state with all responsibility that the difference in the perception of relationships between men and women is precisely in this - “a little more”. Men, like women, are characterized by romance and sensuality, they are not at all obsessed solely with the physical side of relationships, as many believe. Proof of? You are welcome! According to my survey, more than 75% of men believe in a kindred spirit. And when I suggested that men make an honest choice between mutual love for life or amazing sex, but for six months, 92% percent chose love.

Here are some of the men's comments on the matter:

• “Men value love and loyalty above all else,” Jan, 31;
• “Guys, just like women, feel butterflies in their stomachs and dizziness when they are in love,” Josef, 26;
• "Women don't realize that most men fall in love long before they're ready to admit it," Miroslav, 30.

So why does it turn out that a woman is not so afraid to show her affection and is more willing to approach a rapprochement, and a man needs to be pulled like a preschooler to an appointment with a dentist? At the very beginning of the development of relationships, both a man and a woman are waiting for signals from each other. This is such a kind of game called "Who will start first." If both are in love, then this is what happens: the man does not show determination, afraid of being rejected, the woman behaves in much the same way. Everyone is waiting, afraid to destroy the fragile balance of mutual sympathy, and not daring to express this sympathy aloud.

Of all the men with whom I had to talk, less than half (!) Said that they were the first to confess their feelings. At the same time, more than half of the women claim that it was they who initiated the promotion of relations to higher levels. So everything fits. The guys explain this situation by the fact that "butterflies fluttering in the stomach" completely deprive them of self-confidence.

Mikhail, 37, owner of a small restaurant in Prague, says he is very cautious in the early stages of a relationship: "It's not because I'm smug or want to play cat and mouse with a woman." He restrains himself, waiting for a signal from the woman to unequivocally understand - now you can step on the gas. “I would like to hear from a woman at least a hint that she considers me as her mate,” he says. “I need some praise, attention and encouragement, just like a woman from me. This is the very signal, having received which, I will give her all my heart.

Peter, 29, Brno, agrees: “Men should talk about their feelings. However, women forget that if they love a good guy, good guy, perhaps too nervous to be the first to express her feelings,” and then adds: “Women should be more open so as not to make men suffer all day long.”

Girls, do you understand? It turns out that guys suffer more and more often than we do? Think: in a romantic game, a man, taking the first step (of course, after your countless hints and expectations that he will finally understand these hints), makes such moral efforts that he turns himself almost inside out, losing all “protection” (what if they say “no” to him?). And believe me, even famous handsome men - conquerors of ladies' hearts, have several similar moments in their "track record", from the memories of which they shudder from time to time.

So, the man crossed the barrier and found out that you like him too. The danger of rejection is over. But then the guys also move reluctantly. Like monkeys in a laboratory that have been subjected to all sorts of experiments and frightened for many days, having reached a safe place, they do not want to go anywhere from there.

Again, a delicate balance is established and the woman must signal that everything is fine and you can take the next step. However, this should be done very delicately so that the man does not feel that he is being pushed into this. Let him know that there is something special between you, and you feel the same as him. But you need to act carefully - there are dangers ahead, and by reading further, you will find out what.

Now we will move on to questions that women often ask me and the answers to them.

What should I call our relationship and how should I announce it?

Maria, 19 years old, Prague. I have been dating a guy for a little over three weeks and I have a feeling that this is serious. After the first two dates, we already spent quite a lot of time together - we met twice in the middle of the week and twice on the weekends. I would like to talk to him about what our relationship is called, but I'm afraid to scare him away. I just need to make sure we look at our relationship the same way. After all, we meet with other people, and I would like our relationship to be known. I wonder what he thinks about this?

He thinks that three weeks of dating is not a reason for such a conversation. In his mind, you want to announce to everyone around you something like this - Today we welcome the birth of a new beautiful couple, weighing eight dates, two films and six orgasms (five of his and one of yours): Meet! Maria and Alexander! Congratulations!

Too formal, too formal and too organized, to say the least... And this formality can serve as a kind of fire extinguisher for the spark that initially flared up. “The only thing worse than a woman who doesn't show any interest after a few dates is a woman who shows too much interest,” says Anton, 25. Ivan, 32, adds: “Take your time. Please don't tell us you love us after three weeks of dating."

Really, think about it this way: You don't like it when a guy skips foreplay and starts having sex right away, do you? When you talk about the state of the relationship too early, it is perceived as skipping foreplay and going directly to intimacy with all the ensuing consequences. If a man sees you four times a week, then this is a good sign, and your relationship is moving in the right direction. But keep a little intrigue, let the guy enjoy what is, in the form in which it is now. Don't force things too fast.

How do I know when it's time to tell him how I feel?

Lucia, 23 years old, Prague. I've been dating a man for a few months now. It fits me almost perfectly. Knows how to make laugh, he good job and I am very interested and enjoy spending time with him. We had a great time together last weekend. I feel that our relationship will continue, and I think he feels the same way. But I am very afraid to destroy all this with my confession. How can I tell him how I feel about him?

Two months may seem like just a point on a long line of time, but for some men, it's an epoch. In this situation, a man, of course, wants honesty. “If she is more open with me, then I will be more open with her, especially at the beginning of the relationship, when we both feel each other keenly on an emotional level,” says Martin, 33.

Feel free to be honest about your feelings, but don't make assumptions about his feelings. Do not use the words "we" and "you". At this stage, you will strengthen your status of "one and only" in the eyes of a man if you talk about what you like about him, about what you get from a relationship with him, what disposes you to him.

Everyone is concerned about their own. (Yes, our favorite subject is ourselves, it's human nature.) You have to find a way to show and say that you enjoy your relationship and are happy to be with him. Caress his vanity a little, but don't let him think that you are ready to go to the store to choose wedding rings. At this, still early stage of the relationship, on the one hand, you need to give him permission to love, and on the other hand, you need to save him the opportunity to leave.

What if I give him an ultimatum?

Anna, 31 years old, Pilsen. We have known each other for a year and a half, of which we have been living together for almost half a year. I am 31, and at this age it is not so easy to start something from the very beginning in order to start a family. We need to move forward, have children, and if he does not want to formalize relations with me, then it turns out that I'm just wasting time. Even my girlfriend said that it makes no sense for him to marry me, because he gets everything and so, at the same time, without binding himself with any obligations. I'm already thinking about giving him an ultimatum - either he gets married or we break up. But something tells me this is a bad idea. How do you know if he will ever take the next step?

Many women feel that men are afraid of marital obligations because they want to keep the freedom of choice, because they expect something better, or because they fear that marriage will be the official end of romance and passion. Casimir, 30, says that a man's hesitation does not indicate his indifference, but in fact the opposite is true: “Men can be just as insecure in relationships as women. I married a couple of months ago to the woman I love, who (I'm sure) will be a wonderful wife and mother to my future children. Is she 100% my other half? It's a tough question, but even if not, she's very close to it."

When you decide that you want to get married, you count on reciprocity - so that this is his desire. Do they give ultimatums in such cases? I don't think. If you're honest about your feelings for a man and it's not just a "relationship" on your part (so as not to be alone), ask the man directly about his feelings for you. If he can't tell you what he thinks and what he feels, well, then it's up to you to decide if the relationship is worth continuing.

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of a private individual, and not the recommendation of a specialist. I try to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, do not expect that I will advise in the comments or accompany your situation.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many do), but in this case, be prepared for the fact that I may not answer you. This is not a matter of principle, but exclusively of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified assistance, please contact me for advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica

So, you have started a new relationship, and with them - so many daring hopes, crazy passions, and your heart stops again, and again, how once you want to be with your loved one always and everywhere! Such feelings are experienced by a young girl. Time passes, she grows up, and it becomes more and more difficult to start a new romance - the load of negative experience in past relationships affects, doubts torment the choice of a new contender for your heart, and that exciting delight of happiness that was before disappears. But you still want a harmonious relationship! But how to behave at the beginning of a relationship?

So that the new romance does not disappoint you again and does not turn out to be fleeting, it is worth developing tactics of behavior at the very beginning of your relationship.

What is your new hobby?

First of all, honestly find out for yourself what you expect from a new relationship. Do you want your relationship to immediately develop as a love one, or do you just want to chat first.

Often, plunging headlong into a new acquaintance with a man, a woman does not feel any feelings for him, hoping that she will “endure and fall in love”. Perhaps she just wants to receive warmth and care, or at any cost to get married and have a baby, or maybe she is just guided by a sober calculation and wants to extract banal benefits from a new relationship. And all this has nothing to do with real feelings. And for those who have experienced them at least once in their lives, they really want a wonderful repetition!

forgetting the past

Entering into a new relationship, each of us hopes that we can move away from the past, forget it, and it will not affect the revival in any way. new love. It simply won't exist for you or the next lover. However, the past is still the past, one way or another, reminds of itself literally in small things. And here you just need to rely on your own wisdom.

Getting rid of jealousy

The initial stage of a relationship is getting rid of fears, fears, prejudices, barriers. This will be very difficult to do if you and your new man already know the taste of betrayal and betrayal. But if you don’t overcome this, don’t leave it completely in the past, then full-fledged harmonious relationships will not work.

You must certainly learn not to be jealous of your partner for the past. This jealousy can destroy a relationship that has just begun. You should realize, accept that before you he had a whole piece of life, full of some feelings, emotions, experiences and hopes associated with other women. Therefore, your fears and jealousy are fully justified. But you need to be patient and wait for the time when they disappear. Always repeat to yourself that this is all the past, and you are a new stage for him, completely different, and it depends only on you whether he will become happier for a man. Don't be jealous of the past.

Don't get into your soul

If you are striving for a harmonious and fulfilling relationship, do not try to delve into the soul of a new chosen one, in his life. Feel what he needs at this stage of life and share it with him to the fullest. Then your relationship will develop and bring true satisfaction to both of you.

You will be brought closer by a feeling of complete peace and harmony, devoid of any tension and irritation. Of course, this does not mean at all that you cannot help but react to his bad mood, depression and ask what happened. But if a person is not in the mood to be honest with you at the moment, leave him alone and do not be offended.

A pause in a relationship is only good

If suddenly you feel some alienation in relation to yourself, do not insist on dates and try to sort things out. Don't impose your society on him. It's natural at the beginning of a relationship. It is important to let a person understand that you do not limit his freedom and do not strive to become the meaning of his life.

Sometimes it is very useful to take a break from each other - this break will only benefit: it will give you the opportunity to analyze new relationships, look at them from the outside, evaluate their importance to you, honestly admit to yourself whether it is worth continuing and developing them or is it just another superficial enthusiasm.