Quarrels of elderly spouses. Family relationships

Typology of family relations of an elderly person

Typology of relationships between elderly spouses.

The family is the cultural universal of the world. For different countries, peoples and times, it is precisely this way of organizing personal life, this particular social institution, that is characteristic. When the family breaks up, the connection of times breaks up, because the family ensures the continuity of human development. All its functions are aimed at maintaining continuity: reproductive - to continue the human race; socialization of the child, the establishment of moral traditions, preserves and develops human culture; satisfaction of family material needs creates the main stimulus for economic reproduction.

It is important to emphasize a fact that no one has previously noted in the dialectic of the development of family forms. Urbanization has significantly modernized the family: children and parents live in different houses, and sometimes in different cities, but between them there are stable ties and mutual assistance. The very concept of the family has changed due to the change in its structure. Now the family is not only people living under one roof. Modern transport, telephone and other means of communication, the media have created the possibility of a new type of family associations. Living at a distance from each other, people are aware of themselves as members of one big family, which includes several nuclear families. The family has become multinuclear; this is a new stage in the development of the old social institution - the family.

Sociologists of the family have worked out in detail the problems of the youth family, to a lesser extent - the middle-aged family, but have hardly touched upon the problems of the elderly family.

It is possible to highlight some key characteristics of older families:

1. There is a change in the structure and functions of the family : with the departure of children, the socializing function is lost, the function of transferring experience and knowledge is reduced. Priority functions of the elderly family:

BUT). supporting, when spouses provide mutual assistance, provide psychological compensation for all sorts of stresses;

B). protective, when the family acts as a barrier to the direct invasion of other social institutions (in particular, the state);

AT). intermediary, realized in the fact that the family of an elderly person often serves as a link between relatives, the custodian of family traditions, memories.

2. Reducing the spectrum of family social roles, accompanied by their concretization, connected mainly not with sexual differentiation, but with the physical capabilities of the spouses and their inclinations.

3. The ideology of the family is changing in the direction of increasing the level of closeness: the emphasis is shifting towards intra-family problems. The nature of needs is changing : the need for security and stability increases, immersion in the world of internal experiences prevails, the need for active development of the external environment decreases.

4. An older family is more stable. Divorces are relatively rare. Demographics show that the frequency of divorce depends on the age of the spouses. It usually reaches a maximum between 20 and 30 years of age, and a minimum at ages over 50 years. The influence of the age of the spouses as a factor in the stabilization of marriage is closely intertwined with the duration of the marriage: the maximum divorce occurs in the first 5-10 years, the minimum, approaching zero, occurs with a marriage of 30 years or more.

The family of older people is resistant to conflict. However, there is a hidden confrontation, based on long-standing grievances associated with betrayal, incorrect behavior. Often the accumulation of resentment causes a conflict situation.

^ 5. Strengthening the attachment of older spouses . Spouses acquire a common language, become relatives not by blood, but by long lived years, by way of life and thought, by views, habits and tastes. Even in former conflict families, strife subsides. Each spouse is able to anticipate alternative behavioral responses of the other and model their own behavior.

But it would be a delusion to believe that for older partners, shallows and reefs in marital relations are behind them. Neither age nor family experience guarantees peace and harmony. Leo Tolstoy ran away from Sofia Andreevna at the age of 82, having lived with her for 48 years. Another misconception is that in old age there is no need for adaptation. In old age, under the influence of subjective and objective circumstances, partial quite natural deterioration of vision, hearing, taste sensations, slowing down of reactions, changes in appearance, gait, etc. occur. All this is reflected in the character and manner of behavior. To himself, a person may seem little changed, while the partner fixes all these changes and he needs efforts to adapt to new situations.

^ Typology of relations between elderly spouses: coexistence, partner-competitors, lovers in love.

To type "co-hosts" include couples who live together as if out of habit, for a long life they have accumulated so many grievances against each other that under their burden the initial feeling that united these people once was forgotten. Spouses no longer "sort things out", because there are no relationships, they are absolutely indifferent to each other. How do these couples come about? Aristophanes, the creator of the myth of the two halves, explained through the mouth of Plato: they were not united by their own halves and did not form a unity. Modern Platos give a different explanation: they could not overcome the barriers of alienation, their aspirations, attitudes, characters turned out to be multidirectional.

The second type "competitor partners". These people once, in their young and mature years, were united by some common occupation, perhaps a specialty. Together they made a good tandem, moving up to the heights of their careers. In old age, when career motives have become a thing of the past, joint successes have lost their value and only boredom from monotony remains, mutual reproaches for choosing an easier task for themselves, for violating the main partnership agreement.

The third type "friends in love" Relationships built on love and friendship that these people managed to carry through their lives.

And one more interesting observation, confirmed by researchers from different countries from the Netherlands to Japan. Lifespan married men more than singles, and singles are higher than widowers. The death rate of married men from heart disease, cancer is two times lower than that of divorced men and, most surprisingly, four times lower from road accidents. Suicide is more than four times more common among divorced people than married people.

^ Sexual relations after sixty. Sexology integrates a wide range of knowledge: medical, psychological, sociological, philosophical, historical, religious studies.

In the minds of a huge number of people, especially the older generation, sex appears as something obscene, humiliating, with many taboos and false ideas. Christian morality and Soviet ideological attitudes left their imprint on their consciousness.

The difference between human sexuality and reproductive function in the animal world lies precisely in socialization this feeling, its separation from its original biological purpose, into civilizational feature of man- the possibility of love between a man and a woman.

Older people are dominated by the belief that once they are out of childbearing age, then sex and love must be forgotten. Each person, under the influence of upbringing, lifestyle, cultural and family traditions of his environment, genetic, hormonal and nervous qualities, develops his own, only his own ideas about the nature and norms of sexual behavior. The timing of the beginning and end of sexual activity is individual.

However, the loss of interest in sex, integrated into love as a whole, does not mean a loss of interest in life, in the natural, only human need to love and be loved, and sex is only one of the manifestations of love.

^ Typology of relationships between older people and their adult children.

This eternal theme, which has existed since the emergence of human society, has always been a double-edged one for both sides of the conflict.

Synonyms "dispossessed" and "homeless" are now increasingly used for the elderly. But it is unlikely that only the size of the pension makes them so; rather, it is their own children who do it. Is it only the economic crisis that our society is experiencing today? If so, then we can hope for a quick and happy outcome from such a state. Much gloomier are the prospects for a way out of the moral crisis, which always has long and ancient roots.

One of the eternal commandments read by Moses on stone tablets, and repeated fifteen hundred years later by Jesus Christ, says: "Honor your father and your mother, may it be good and may you live long on earth." It is possible that this is the first recipe for longevity, and this is not about the longevity of parents, which must be understood in itself, but about the longevity of caring children.

There are two types of attitudes towards the elderly: gerontophobia, or "Ham's line", and gerontophilia, or "the line of Shem-Japhet" (by the names of the sons of the Old Testament Noah, who cursed his son Ham and predicted that his descendants would be slaves to the descendants of the brothers).

By which of the lines is dominant, one can judge who "rules the show" in society, humanists or humanoids - the latter "radically" solved the problems of the elderly - they simply ate them. The attitude of society towards its old people reflects the level of civilization of this society, which is responsible for the social, material, psychological, in a word, comfortable state of the elderly. The social duty of young people is to smooth out, psychologically absorb the difficulties of the last stage of life. Support and respect from the young will be a preventive measure dictated by their desire to guarantee themselves a similar, prosperous autumn of life.

Relationships between children and parents (in our analysis: between adult children and elderly parents) can be classified according to the simplest but eternal basis - the relationship of kinship. At the same time, we distinguish four combinations: mother-daughter, mother-son, father-son, father-daughter.

Consider gerontophile variants of relationships. The system of relations itself undergoes an involutionary change, there is a return to the past, but the parties at the same time change places - the younger ones begin to patronize the older ones. Seniors do not always accept new conditions of the game and new roles, because having accepted them, they must, as it were, admit defeat. The "castling" of senior and junior positions is fraught with various conflict situations. For the most part, older people resign themselves to a new turn of fate, submit and lose all independence, indecision appears, fear of messing something up.

^ To feel confident and collected, a person of any age needs self-control, but if someone else takes over this function, then both lose. It is pointless to try to fence off an elderly person from all the affairs and troubles, from worries and stresses. Such care turns into a spiritual tragedy for him. Participation in family life, feasible work gives confidence in one's own usefulness.

Russian gerontologists have established interesting fact: the health status of older people living separately and independently, but not far (in the same village) from relatives, is better than that of pensioners by age living in the families of their children. Therefore, according to gerontologists, older people should take care of themselves for as long as possible and live separately.

The gerontophilic hypothesis about the connection between longevity and high respect for the elderly in the family and society is supported by literally all gerontologists. The phenomenon of mass longevity in a number of ethnic groups, including those in the North Caucasus, is explained precisely by the sophisticated etiquette of honoring people who have “advanced in years”.

So, as gerontological social practices (the attitude towards old age0 can be distinguished as follows:

-- gerontophilia - special reverence for the elderly, granting them exclusive privileges.

-- gerontophobia - rejection of old people, fear of old age, associated with an increase in physical and spiritual weakness. The extreme form of this installation is the destruction of old people.

-- agglutinative patterns of behavior - a mixed combination, for example, of gerontocracy and dislike for the elderly, who do not have a high social status.

-- reflection of old age as a socio-cultural value - recognition of the high status characteristics of the old person as experienced, wise, approval of his mentoring and mediating functions.

The economic growth of the second half of the 20th century and the dramatically changed demographic situation led to the mobility of the population, the readiness to go to distant lands for the sake of education or earnings, easily breaking away from home and one's own roots. The older generation is much more attached to its roots and is the custodian of those values ​​- home, family, etc., for which the younger ones are now beginning to yearn.

Modern civilization is distinguished by a kind of "age segregation": teenagers mostly communicate with teenagers, thirty-year-olds - with friends and colleagues of about the same age. This age isolation arises due to the fact that a person's life is largely determined by external institutions - school, university, work, and not by intra-family relations.

Segregation is fraught with antagonism and confrontation: surrounded by peers, people are more likely to strive to assert their own primacy, while in “mixed” age groups a natural hierarchy is established in accordance with the experience of lived years and an extremely useful and necessary exchange of information between generations takes place.

The result of "age segregation" is the elderly as social outcasts; deprivation of the traditional halo of wisdom; psychological discomfort; an increase in the number of suicides in old age. No matter how thoughtful the material provision of all the needs of the elderly may be, this does not remove, and sometimes exacerbates spiritual problems, among which communication with the younger generations - children and grandchildren - is in the first place. This communication is already largely difficult due to the lack of mutual understanding: in the world of old age, somewhat different laws and values ​​reign.

A characteristic feature of modern society is a certain prejudice towards old age, “xenophobia” towards the population of this other world, where loss of strength, illness and lack of long-term prospects become a harsh reality that contradicts the very spirit of a young and future-oriented civilization. This is probably the reason why the old people themselves are reluctant to talk about their own fears or weaknesses, physical and mental. At the same time, their children are not internally ready to get used to the new look of their once strong and confident parents, and society is unable to help and morally support either the first or the second.

Psychologists believe that nursing homes have become the embodiment of the cultural and social rejection of old age, in which, despite external well-being (which is also by no means universal), the painful atmosphere of the life of a “sick among the sick” reigns.

The difference in cultural and psychological baggage often explains the conflicts between generations. The same facts can be interpreted in exactly the opposite way: for example, in one session, the mother told the doctor about many years happy marriage with her late husband, and her daughter painted a completely different picture of her father's betrayals and family strife and reproached her mother for "blocking" unpleasant memories.

The discovery of a new world is even more difficult because it does not seem new in principle. Parents and children have known each other for many years, and the first to realize is that their kids have long grown up and become adults, burdened with a lot of worries, and it is also difficult for these adult children to understand that their authoritative and self-confident parents now themselves need advice and protection. A familiar phrase like “Why are you late for dinner?” Wakes up a lot of memories and can give rise to the most unpredictable emotions, and an annoyed answer “I’m not a child anymore” can cause tears of genuine resentment. But one should not maintain the illusion of "stopped time" among the elderly, and there is nothing wrong with explaining to your mother that you have not eaten fried meat for a long time, which is bad for your stomach.

In general, the main advice is extremely simple: to understand each other, we need to talk, including about the most important and sensitive issues, from finance to physiology. Adult children often have to help sick parents with the most natural needs, and for both, this gives rise to a sense of shame and embarrassment. However, a simple joke: “How many times have you changed my diapers? Now it's my turn" - able to relieve stress. In the same way, one should not be shy about expressing one’s claims: rather than complaining about the mother’s senile egocentrism when returning home, it’s better to politely but firmly say to her: “Mom, I would be pleased if you asked me more often about my children. I want them to be part of your life too." But at the same time, it is worth asking your parents about the times of their youth, about important events which they were witnesses. This is not only very interesting, but also gives them pleasure, gives them the opportunity to once again feel that they are needed, that their experience can be useful.

The main trouble of the elderly is the feeling of a gradual loss of strength and ability. You can find the strength to laugh at your own weakness, like the famous American poet W. H. Auden in his last lectures: terrible myopia”, but the feeling that you can no longer do what you easily coped with yesterday becomes the cause of more and more deep depression. The less power a person has, the more he needs to communicate. It is no coincidence that in the state of Nebraska, where the author of the book lives, old people tell such an anecdote with bitter pleasure. Old man I saw a frog on the road, and she told him: "Kiss me, and I will turn into a beautiful princess." He picked it up and put it in his pocket. The frog asks: "Don't you want to kiss me and get a beautiful princess?" The old man replies: "You know, at my age, I would probably prefer a talking frog." Hidden in this joke is another drama of an elderly person, a man first of all - the loss of sexual strength and attractiveness. Therefore, it is so common for old people to talk about their former “exploits”, about how beautiful, strong and cheerful they once were.

With the loss of strength, the surrounding world also narrows, sometimes it is limited to the threshold own house. Everything outside of it gradually becomes dangerous, and most importantly, alien and unusual, because it is there that rapid changes are taking place. The house of an old person is truly his fortress, in which he still feels strong and protected, and that is why old people are so reluctant to make any renovation of their home, and moving seems to them to be the collapse of their whole life.

The world not only narrows, it also rapidly empties. All those with whom life has been lived - relatives, classmates, friends and even enemies - leave one by one, and the feeling of loneliness inevitably overtakes the elderly. A special tragedy is the loss of a spouse, the strongest post-traumatic syndrome. Its typical manifestations are a feeling of constant danger, irritability, insomnia, and rapid mood swings. Another characteristic feature is the feeling of guilt for having survived, for not having time to do something for a dear person. In an effort to somehow get rid of this feeling, the survivor is constantly focused on the departed and sometimes cannot talk about anything else at all.

Endless talk about the death of a loved one is an extreme manifestation of the "fixation" on discussing diseases, one's own and others', which is characteristic, in principle, for older people. Surrounding such endless conversations can lead to extreme irritation, but it should be borne in mind that they become a manifestation of the same syndrome - an attempt to get rid of the trauma by constantly thinking and reasoning about it. And for the elderly, the main trauma, the main “battlefield”, in the words of the writer, is the struggle with bodily weakness and approaching death.

Ways to ease the post-traumatic syndrome at any age - switching attention and interests to something new, be it new job, new people or just new experiences. In old age, this is not so easy, but still possible: again, closeness with children, and even more so with grandchildren, allows you to discover unusual worlds and receive positive emotions. But often the elderly are attracted to specific subjects and activities that they had not previously reached the hands of or for which, in their opinion, they were not at all adapted.

Of course, the main difficulty for the elderly themselves and for those who surround them is the feeling of the inevitable impending end, and although 70-80-year-olds have a special relationship with death, sometimes they even “miss” it, all the same, the awareness of its approach is a problem that each of them painfully solves.

^ Of course, it is easier for those who find solace in religion, because secular culture, rather, tends to fence itself off from the very thought of the frailty of everything that exists. . Therefore, the author concludes, we do not have any forms of understanding death and reconciliation with it, any rituals that alleviate the last days of those who stand on its threshold, and the pain of loved ones who are witnesses of death. native person. Communication is what can brighten up the time of fading, and therefore you can arrange family gatherings and holidays more often, and just talk more with your old people, including on the most painful topics. To some extent, death can be planned, like any future event, both at the level of specific details and at the level of spiritual preparation for it. In the latter respect, the author finds very useful the philosophy of the hospice movement, which is based on the idea that every dying person has five tasks. He must be able and have time to say five simple phrases: “I forgive you”, “Please forgive me”, “Thank you”, “I love you”, “Goodbye”. The main thing is that these words should be heard and not go unanswered.

A fair conclusion that "every life ends in tragedy, since no one left alive." It's great if you managed to build a new value system that is necessary in the world of old age. Here, first of all, success is not valued and material well-being, a time is running out, and therefore it is necessary to be able to distribute it correctly, knowing what it should be spent on and what not.

Psychologist and writer M. Peifer, without claiming to be universal, refers to his personal experience"preparation for winter" She determined for herself a system of priorities, consisting of five "P": the Location of people (respect), related feelings (relationship), the ability to Relax (relaxation), the achievement of the Result (result) and self-realization (realization). In choosing these five goals, for which it is not a pity to waste rapidly decreasing time, the writer was guided by the experience of those old people who became for her an example of the ability to grow old with dignity and joy. The words from her patient's diary serve as a worthy description of "old age with meaning": "Life goes on, and I decided: since I'm still living, then why not live properly."

Meanwhile, in everyday consciousness, the onset of old age is associated with the appearance of grandchildren: old people are not so much parents as grandfathers and grandmothers. The relationship of "old and small" is a kind of ideal model family relationships based not on duties or dependence, but on pure love and genuine respect. Grandparents are able, on the one hand, to create a sense of home and family traditions in children, and on the other hand, to teach them to see the daily delights of the world around them, because it is the elderly who are able to realize the beauty and meaningfulness of every moment of life. And again, the author notes with bitterness that mass culture completely ignores relationships “through the generation”: there are many more films about Martians and serial killers than about grandparents. Modern society is too far removed from its roots and therefore forgot about the elderly.

Of course, the living conditions of the elderly may vary: for example, most of our elderly people can only dream of living in deprived of human warmth, but well-equipped nursing homes. But fears, physical and mental suffering, craving for communication and the need for the attention of loved ones are the same in older people, regardless of language, culture and skin color - just like their children around the world are characterized by the same mixed feelings of pain, guilt. and sometimes irritation.

Is it possible to become a classic while remaining incognito? Incredible! It happens. A stranger from a television discussion uttered a phrase that became a household name without the name of the author. The woman, waking up in the morning, did not become famous, and the phrase, like Gogol's nose, walks from article to article, it is repeated by satirists and sexologists: "We don't have sex!"

If by sex we mean sexual intercourse aimed at procreation, then the author of the phrase simply played the role of an ingenue, as the old theater-goers say, portrayed a naive girl. But if we understand that sex is an integral part of culture, a set of bodily, mental and social processes and relationships, then a woman, most likely intuitively, indicated an objective reality, a point of view that prevails in society.

The science that studies sexual relations in their physiological, psychological and social aspects is called sexology. It integrates a wide range of knowledge: medical, psychological, sociological, philosophical, historical, religious studies. For the first time the term "sexology" to designate a special field of science was introduced by the Russian philosopher Vasily Rozanov.

In the minds of a huge number of people, especially older generations, sex appears as something obscene, humiliating, with many false ideas and taboos. Christian morality and attitudes of the Soviet era left their imprint on their consciousness. Both are anti-sexual, everything bodily is considered either vile and sinful, or inconsistent with the moral code of the builder of communism. Marriage is necessary only for procreation, and such as in the movie "The Zhurbin Family", where each family member is a production leader, and only by chance, for intrigue, did an anti-social scoundrel get into the primacies. In the brightest films and novels of socialist realism, women have always preached the principle: "First think about the Plan, and then about me." And the textbooks "on the problems of love, family and marriage" began with an iron aphorism: "A strong family - a strong state." It is important to note that the founders of scientific atheism were by no means ascetics and were so many times more honest and certainly smarter than their ignorant interpreters. Engels wrote "about the immorality of any marriage that is not based on mutual sexual love." sanctimonious puritanical attitudes christian church and the Soviet government, being in mutual hostility, were united in one thing: sexual life is incompatible with the self-realization of the individual in the sphere of work.

The difference between human sexuality and the reproductive function of the animal world lies precisely in the socialization of this feeling, its separation from the original biological goal and its transformation into a civilizational feature of man - the possibility of love between a man and a woman. Spiritual communication can develop into bodily communication and form a true unity, while movement in the opposite direction is impossible. The product of bodily unity is sensual pleasure, it gives rise to the harmony of feelings and thoughts. Carl Jung, developing the concept of "unity", interpreted it as "running towards each other" of opposites.

In the cultures of the world, love and sex are combined in various models, but all of them can be reduced to two groups: 1) sex is opposed to love, 2) love and sex are integrated in their unity. In the first version, love is always asexual. Therefore, in the notorious school textbooks, love for a girl is usually put in a long series of enumerations: love for the Motherland, for mother, for music, for one's work and for life in general. From the opposition of sex and love, the possibility of the existence of not only love without sex, but also sex without love logically follows. It is no coincidence that in the first years of Soviet power, a lot of so-called theories of "free love", "glass of water" and others appeared. The fiery revolutionary Inessa Armand preached the slogan of "fleeting passion", which should be quenched as simply as drinking a glass of water. Her party comrade Alexandra Kollontai believed that freedom of love and labor service equalize a woman in her civil rights with a man. Lenin was indignant at the theoretical frills of high-ranking party ladies and said that this theory of the "glass of water" made the youth furious, downright furious!

In the Stalin years, the attitude towards marriage, it would seem, changed to the opposite. Divorce was so complicated that it became almost impossible, and for party members it threatened severe party penalties and the end of their careers; even more severe punishment lay in wait for the one who was convicted of extramarital affairs. However, this did not prevent debauchery from penetrating all levels of the party hierarchy. The opposite of sexual freedom and sexual asceticism is only apparent, in fact - two sides of the same coin. The same is the opposition of sex and love, which makes it possible to coexist peacefully with real debauchery and the appearance of asceticism. If in Christianity the marital union identified itself as the union of Christ and the Church, then in the newly appeared morality it was replaced by the union of the Leader and the Party. Literary heroes of “socialist realism” (a concept that remained incomprehensible to anyone) were tested “for a break” by their ability to abandon a loved one for the sake of the Party (“Lyubov Yarovaya” by K. Trenev, “Forty-First” by B. Lavrenev), in real life experienced the renunciation of an illegally arrested spouse, father, mother. Party leaders set examples of this: Molotov and Kalinin did not spare their own unfortunate and innocent wives, who were subjected to repression.

This brief excursion into the history of the culture of sex and love is necessary to understand how and under what influence the views of the older generation on the problems of sex were formed. Of course, love is the highest of feelings, and it is not subject to any religion and ideology, but it is illogical to deny their influence.

Older people are dominated by the conviction that as soon as they have left the fertile (childbearing) age, then sex and love must be forgotten. They are "out of age". Literature and art have already laughed a lot at the images of lustful old men.

A world literary sensation in 1981 was a book called The Intimate Sex Lives of Famous People, published in Great Britain. It appeared in Russian translation in 1993. The book contains about 120 biographies describing little-known events and circumstances of the private lives of prominent historical figures. It was the result of the painstaking work of twenty researchers from Great Britain, the USA, France, Italy and Spain, who studied the autobiographies of great people, memoirs, archives, private correspondence of the personalities of the collection, as well as newspapers and magazines of the time in which their heroes lived. The method of such research is called biographical, and the materials presented in this book, as sociologists say, are quite representative. Let us choose from a multitude of examples those that testify that it is possible to preserve the freshness of feelings both in the elderly and in old age. Few of the celebrities who got into the book could be accepted into a kind of KVN - a committee of the faithful and moral, but life is much more complicated and richer than the common rules of virtue.

Perhaps one of the most vivid sexually intimate biographies is that of the great Leo Tolstoy. He who glorified and exalted family life in his main masterpiece, the novel "War and Peace", he seduced many ordinary girls, and in his own family he was a real tyrant. In the Krytser Sonata, the writer appealed to people to stop sexual love and take a vow of celibacy, and Sofya Andreevna discovered at the same time that she was pregnant for the next (thirteenth) time, and made a caustic comment in her diary: “And here is a true postscript to the Kreutzer Sonata. Tolstoy was then 60 years old, but until his very old age he never managed to convince himself to follow his own calls, and only on the verge of death admitted to one of his friends that he was no longer seized by sexual desires.

Ivan Bunin was more honest: having lived for more than 80 years, until his last days he loved to repeat the words of Blessed Augustine: “Lord, send me chastity ... But not now!” At the age of 70, he wrote the most erotic (for his work, and possibly for his time) thing - a collection of short stories "Dark Alleys".

Another genius of Russia, Fyodor Dostoevsky, lived a not so long life, he died at the age of 60. Apparently, the rather unusual behavior of Dostoevsky gave grounds to I. S. Turgenev to call him “the Russian Marquis de Sade”, but all this was before his marriage. At the age of 45, he married his 20-year-old stenographer, who not only loved, but adored her husband and idol, which she told about, having already become a widow, in her “Memoirs”. During her husband's lifetime, she wrote: "I am ready to spend the rest of my life kneeling before him." Love and passion for a young wife not only did not disappear from Dostoevsky in 14 years living together, but also intensified so much that shortly before his death he confessed: "My ecstasy and my delights are boundless."

Francisco de Goya, being a widower, at the age of 68 “beat off” his wife from a Madrid businessman, the young woman gave birth to a daughter to the artist. Goya died at the age of 82.

54-year-old Charlie Chaplin married 17-year-old Una 0 "Neal, it was his fourth wife. “I have been waiting for her all my life, although I didn’t realize it,” Chaplin wrote later. In a happy, albeit late marriage for him, he was born .eight children Chaplin became the father of the last child when he was already over 70. The brilliant actor and director died at the age of 88.

The great humanist and just as great a sinner, Victor Hugo lived for 83 years and led an active sexual life until his last years. When the writer's grandson accidentally caught an 80-year-old grandfather hugging a maid, he, not at all embarrassed, said: “Look, Georges, that's who they call a genius!”

Bertrand Russell, English philosopher, mathematician, peace activist, public figure, at the age of 76, divorced his fourth wife, the mother of his son, started an affair with the young wife of his colleague, but later married another woman, living happily with her until his death at the age of 98. He managed to cool his "abnormally strong sexual instincts" only after 80 years.

From the above examples it does not at all follow that in order to be famous, it is required to marry many times and have an uncountable number of mistresses to a ripe old age. This is not the point, especially since there are examples of other behavior of the great.

Louis Pasteur, who saved mankind from epidemics of plague and anthrax, lived happily with his wife almost until the “golden wedding”. Dying at 73, he held a crucifix in one hand, and the hand of his wife in the other.

Rubens was very upset by the death of his first wife, married for the second time at the age of 53 to a 16-year-old beauty who became his model and prototype of "Rubens' women." They had five children, the youngest appeared after the death of the 73-year-old great artist.

We looked into the biographies of great people, pushed back the veils of their intimate secrets, not out of a vulgar desire to gossip about the events that took place in other people's bedrooms, but out of the desire to refute the well-established prejudice that by a certain age people should (or are obliged?) to stop all sorts of sexual relations.

Each person, under the influence of upbringing, lifestyle, cultural and family traditions of his environment, genetic, hormonal and nervous characteristics, develops his own, only his own ideas about the nature and norms of sexual behavior. Examples from other people's lives or statistical averages cannot be binding, they do not give grounds for judgments about weakness or strength of character and health. The timing of the beginning and end of sexual activity is also individual. Moreover, physiological potencies are secondary in relation to the emotional coloring of sexual experiences, which are more dependent on the relationship of partners, their ability to empathize, sociability, affection for each other, the desire to bring joy and satisfaction to another, and not just to receive. them yourself. He who does not know how to be pleasant at the table will not become so in bed, who is a boor during the day, will remain the same at night. Historians study the biographies of famous people, the lives of all the rest, simple and nameless, they study statisticians, sociologists, and in the question that interests us now, sexologists. The encyclopedic reference book on sexology, published in Minsk in 1993, reports: “The involutionary period, including menopause, is characterized by a gradual decrease in sexual activity; the proportion of men capable of sexual intercourse decreases from 75% in sixty-year-olds to 30% in seventy-year-olds and 14-20% in eighty-year-olds. In women, it is more difficult to trace the age dynamics.

Igor Kon in his book "Introduction to Sexology" cites data obtained by American gerontologists: "... although more than half of men and women stop having sex around 60 years old, approximately 15% continue it even after 80 years." The types of sexual activity of older (over 60 years old) women and men, according to the results of surveys, are summarized in a table (data in percentage):

The data obtained as a result of surveys conducted by American scientists allow us to draw some conclusions about changes in the nature of sexual relations in the second half of the 20th century. The modern older person leads a more intense sex life than his ancestors at the same age. The crisis of traditional religious prohibitions separated the reproductive function from the sexual-erotic relationship. Psychoanalyst W. Reich calculated that in a normal 70-year-old person out of 5000 (on average) sexual contacts during his entire life, no more than 15 have their sole purpose of procreation.

German scientists K. Starke and W. Friedrich write that out of almost 700 surveyed men over 65 years old, 70% had regular sexual intercourse with an average frequency of one to four times a month.

It should be borne in mind that polls give an optimistic rather than a real picture: men are more willing to admit their sins and shortcomings than their lack of potency. According to the same scientists, 14% of men aged 60 to 69 became impotent, from 70 to 75 years - another 25%, and among 76-80-year-olds - 21%, that is, only 60% of men from 60 to 80 years.

In principle, impotence is not a mandatory predicate of old age. Russian experts claim that the country's male population of childbearing age is covered by mass impotence.

In the USA in 1947 an institute for the study of sex problems was established. The well-known professor-zoologist Alfred Kinzi headed the institute. The first surveys conducted by scientists of the institute showed that Americans, especially older people without higher education, have false ideas about these problems, suffer from complexes and prejudices that lead to tragic mistakes in the intimate sphere. The Institute considered it its task to change this situation, to provide medical and psychological information. The first publications about the sexual behavior of men and women caused a shock in American society. The ministers of the church declared these studies to be tricks of the devil, one of the congressmen said that the study of sexuality would lead to the spread of communism in the United States (familiar speeches are exactly the opposite!). A special committee of the House of Representatives was created to investigate the activities of Kinsey (also familiar). The institute stopped working, the scientist died of anxiety. Later, in connection with the spread of AIDS, the works of Kinsey were again turned to, the institute resumed its research and now bears the name of its founder.

Nowadays, scientific works of the institute are widely known all over the world, including in Russia, in 1995 a Russian translation of the book “Grammar of Love” was published. Sexologists write that 50% of sexual dysfunctions are caused by a decrease in interest in a partner, which, in turn, is caused by relationship conflicts, unreality of ideas about sex, low self-esteem, lack of intimacy and trust, inability to build long-term daily relationships. Most sexual disorders are not caused by physiological defects, but by chronic diseases (eg diabetes), mental disorders (eg long-term depression), alcoholism, which causes destruction of the nervous system: taking certain drugs can also adversely affect sexual life. And although the list of causes is given without age gradation, it can be reasonably argued that all of them, to a greater or lesser extent, are the causes of sexual failure in older people.

It's time to part with the erroneous illiterate confidence that sex is a simple matter. But, perhaps more importantly, understanding that physical intimacy is important at any age, and in the elderly no less than in the young.

At the beginning of this conversation, it was noted that sex is much more than sexual intercourse, it is a caress of the soul and body. The French are right when they say: "Without affection, the spinal cord withers." In old age, when the frequency of sexual intimacy decreases, attentive, caring and affectionate relationships between spouses become especially valuable. The girl asks with naive anxiety: “Mom, am I beautiful?” An elderly woman is looking for the answer to this question in the eyes of her husband; she herself knows that her figure has not changed for the better, that wrinkles are hiding around her eyes, but she needs to know that she is still attractive to him. More nicer words. Silence is not golden, but the word, it makes a woman look younger, it colors her more than any golden jewelry. There are no ugly women in the world, but there are women who are deprived of affection. Elderly people sometimes believe that a quivering kiss, a loving hug, gentle stroking, and even more so words of recognition are in the past, belong to the years of foggy youth. It is indecent for a sedate person to remember them, for such frivolity one can be suspected of senile sexual insanity. It was this “diagnosis” that Tvardovsky made to Bunin after reading his Dark Alleys.

But a gentle word is also necessary for a man at this age. A thousand times repeated enumeration of his unique qualities does not bother, but stimulates the rise of his mental and physical strength, increases self-esteem. Recognition by a woman of the male merits and virtues of a partner makes it possible to believe that he is still a "representative of the stronger sex."

Let's exclaim, admire each other.

High-sounding words are not to be feared.

Let's compliment each other

After all, these are all love happy moments

(Bulat Okudzhava).

There is another intimate reason why older women need attention and gentle handling. This is menopause, a difficult and painful period in their lives. Husbands know little about the physical and mental experiences of this time, even those of them who imagine themselves to be a “sexual encyclopedia”. You don't have to wait for support from adult children. Women try to keep what happened a secret, afraid of joking and ridicule.

Menopause is often understood as a short period of time associated with the fading of childbearing abilities. American doctors believe that menopause covers the age from 40 to 60 years, and there are two stages - "premenopause" and "postmenopause". During such a period, a woman reacts sharply not only to internal, but also to external factors. Events that could previously go unnoticed cause an inadequate response. This time is associated with summing up the past years. Such introspection sometimes leads to disappointing assessments, which, in turn, whips up pessimistic moods that are reflected in appearance: hairstyle, make-up, manicure, gait, clothes and most of all - in the manner of behavior. “I am old, devastated, worthless, my memory has weakened, I am afraid of everything,” - this is how women of this age begin to characterize themselves. And the conclusion follows: "No one needs me." Irritability and tearfulness appear. A feeling of enduring fatigue is piling up, sleep does not bring cheerfulness, on the contrary, insomnia torments. Of course, not everyone has all these symptoms: women who are confident in themselves, in their family, in the devotion of their husband, easily cope with both malaise and psychological failures. It is important to note that menopause is not a mental illness. Emotional disorders should not be confused with mental disorders.

The unusual behavior of a woman causes bewilderment among others, and may even repel former acquaintances from her. Foolish, but "sharp-witted" will hasten, without hesitation, to say: "And she has such a female age,"

Menopause is a natural period in a woman's life, unfortunately burdened with sexually illiterate information and fears. So, it is believed that as a result there is a loss of sexual abilities and desires. Believing in this, a woman can really lose interest in this side of life. Very popular in our country recently due to the publication of books and the release of radio programs, Dr. D. Dobson, in his book “What men should know about women, according to women themselves” writes: “If a woman sees that she is old and unattractive, she may lose interest in sex, so age is an attitude towards oneself, due to the attitude of her husband, children, and other people close to her. For a woman to feel good, she needs good self-importance.”

It is erroneously believed that menopause is characteristic only for the female body. A similar physiological period associated with the reverse development (involution) of the reproductive system, occurring against the background of general age-related changes, occurs in the life of a man aged between 50 and 60 years. There are pains in the region of the heart, an increase in blood pressure, a tendency to dizziness, a weakening of memory, absent-mindedness, and a sharp decrease in working capacity. Men begin to get fat, symptoms of diabetes appear. It is possible, although not necessarily a decrease in sexual activity. With timely access to a doctor and appropriate treatment, all these phenomena disappear and normal performance is restored.

Not so long ago, a new special term appeared to refer to such a state - “andropause”. In men, hormonal changes do not occur as dramatically as in women, which is probably why the psychological breakdowns caused by this phenomenon are rare.

Fleeing from old age, men begin to run: those who have never been involved in physical education - "from a heart attack"; who never attached importance to ailments - "according to doctors"; and who in the party and service characteristics constantly listed "morally stable" - for women. The statistics does not know the percentage ratio between "running" and calmly looking at the approaching old age.

Some older men, previously calm, balanced, with a high level of self-control, suddenly become frivolous in old age, warming themselves up with memories of missed or rejected “sweet minutes”, trying to return the “golden time” and, as it were, to make up for the “missed”. But if in youth love ventures can bring a surge of creative energy, then in old age a short rise in vitality, emotional and physical overload is usually followed by a deep and often irreversible depression. Under the influence of the desire to escape from old age, families built for decades are destroyed, betrayals are committed against wives, adult children become strangers. As a result - emotional breakdowns, asthenia, stress and everything that accompanies this.

It is at an older age that the so-called second wave of divorce proceedings falls due to sexual incompatibility. The first wave occurs in young years, when the sexual activity of the husband exceeds the needs of the wife. The potency of a man decreases significantly over the years, while a woman can maintain the same or gain a higher level of libido. During the second wave, sexual conflicts initiated by a woman are possible. These conflicts become fertile ground for the development of more extensive disagreements and scandals that involve other spheres of life.

In spouses of the same age with a long family history, such problems are smoothed out and usually do not become destructive. But sometimes women use "their hour" to make caustic sarcastic remarks in order to avenge insults and reproaches received in their younger years. Such "tricks" only increase sexual discomfort in family relationships. If the difference in the age of husband and wife reaches 15-20 years or more, and life together has not even reached the “silver”, let alone “golden” bar and is somewhere within the “wooden” (that is, up to 5 years) , they run the risk of experiencing very dramatic collisions.

In addition to intra-family conflict, there is also an intra-personal conflict. It is difficult to assess which one is easier to resolve. Sexual desire in men remains at a fairly high level until a very late age, which cannot be said about the possibilities. Most older men, according to the observations of psychologists and sexologists, attach more importance to sex than their partners, because sexual relationships and the satisfaction derived from them enrich the rather monotonous life of a retired man. Those who have impaired potency experience long-term depressive reactions, even if the wives no longer want to have physical intimacy and are quite happy with their asexual position. Old men "wish to wish" in order to preserve their erotic world, their manhood.

In a more difficult situation are those men who, in their mature years, have never experienced sexual failures. But the former "losers" easily part with this part of life as a burdensome duty, now they can "be like everyone else."

Employees of the International Institute for Bioenergetic Analysis in New York presented the results of serious scientific research in the book Love, Sex and Your Heart. They came to the sensational conclusion that sex is good for health. Actually, there is no particular sensation in this, such a conclusion might seem trivial, their discovery is that the more sex, the less the risk of cardiovascular disease.

Doctors say that normal, regular sex relieves tension, relaxes the body and soul, allows the hormonal system to release accumulated stiffness and alleviates the negative effects of an excessive influx of adrenaline. Sexually Healthy People Live Longer: There is a direct link between emotional well-being, a strong immune system, and a healthy heart. Sex can be one of the best ways to relieve tension, gain a sense of self-confidence, in your health and extinguish unwanted stress. Of course, in this case, one cannot go beyond the limits of a reasonable load, taking into account both one's own age and the capabilities of a partner. Even excellent drugs in overdose lead to sad consequences.

Domestic doctors have long come to the conclusion that abstinence or restriction of sexual activity for people who have had a myocardial infarction does not make sense, and they recommend having a sexual life in the same volume as it was before the disease.

The sexual life of older people can be negatively affected by their adult children, who, perhaps under the influence of false ideas about the consequences of menopause and andropause, ask their parents ridiculous questions: “Why do you need a separate bedroom with your dad?” or “Why do you want to get married (get married)?”.

Nadson has these lines:

Only morning love is good: good

Only the first timid speeches...

By the time these lines were written, the poet was barely 20 years old, he can be understood.

Another young man - Mikhail Yurievich Lermontov - wrote:

Love language, wonderful language,

Known only from his youth.

Two different poets, separated both by the time of their life and the style of writing, say the same thing: only the morning of love is good,. only youth knows its language. Both died early, and if they had lived to old age, perhaps they would have experienced a different love, and we would have known other poems. Such as the seventy-year-old Fyodor Tyutchev wrote:

I met you - and all the past

In the obsolete heart came to life;

I remembered the golden time

And my heart felt so warm...

There's not just one memory

Then life spoke again

And the same charm in you,

And the same love in my soul! ..

At almost the same age, Afanasy Fet, burdened with family, household and exhausted by illnesses, writes a declaration of love:

No, I haven't changed. To deep old age

I am the same devotee, I am the slave of your love...

And just a year before his death, the seventy-year-old poet confesses:

I still love, I still languish Before the universal beauty And I will not renounce for anything From the caresses sent down by you.

As long as on the chest of the earth Although I will hardly breathe, All the thrill of a young life will be audible to me from everywhere.

Love is definitely a morning feeling, but an old man rejoices every morning as a gift of fate: he does not have such a supply of morning light as a young one. Loss of interest in sex does not mean a loss of interest in life, in the natural, only human need to love and be loved, and sex is just one of the manifestations of this feeling.

Stendhal, the great master of the psychological novel, the author of the treatise "On Love", wrote: "Love is to enjoy the fact that you see a beloved and loving object, touch it, feel it as close as possible." Intimacy includes not only sexual intercourse, but also physical touch, a feeling of closeness. Christian writer Gary Smalley recommends a firm hug or touch to make spouses feel loved. He even names the figure: 8-12 times daily, but does not indicate - all at once or, as in recipes, 3-4 times a day. Of course, one can smile at such appointments, but it is true that this is one of the ways to preserve love - the source of longevity. The silver lyricist of our era - the poet Boris Pasternak - said the same brilliantly simply:

And the day lasts longer than a century,

And the hug never ends.

As a result of a conversation on this topic, we will cite another quatrain of an old man in love, a wonderful poet Fyodor Tyutchev:

All that I managed to save

Hope, faith and love,

All merged into one prayer:

Survive, survive!

Survive! Survive!

Psychologist Irina Revyakina will tell you how not to lose love

Many media articles are full of headlines about how to save a young couple's life together, and how to find or return love / passion in a relationship after 30. But after all, married life does not stop at the mark of “30 years”, it goes further and requires constant work on oneself and relationships with a partner.

What character do the feelings of couples acquire, whose age has long crossed the line of 50 years? How can partners maintain and maintain the love and affection that they had many years ago?

Help us to answer these questions Irina Revyakina - practicing psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences, associate professor. Irina is the author of more than 30 scientific publications and co-author of textbooks for psychology students (“Counseling Psychology”, “Psychodrama as a Method of Group Counseling”, “Reader in Counseling Psychology”, “Psychology happy relationship”), as well as two decks of metaphorical associative cards (“Life self-determination of a teenager”, “Happy relationships”).

- Irina, what do you think is the key to ideal family relationships for an elderly couple?

A prerequisite for harmonious relationships in old age is mutual understanding. Whatever the husband (wife) does, it is important to respect each other's personal boundaries and be sympathetic to the hobbies, as well as the "weaknesses" of the second half. Joint hobbies do not lose their relevance, and joint hobbies are a guarantee of communication, recognizing each other in new roles that have not been discovered over the years of living together (if you have interest in a partner and a sincere desire, you can always discover something new). Caring for children and grandchildren gives a fresh breath to the relationship of an older couple. Help in education, practical advice, the transfer of experience, a sense of usefulness for their children gives strength and inspiration to live. Patience towards each other is also important, since with age, the nature and perception of the world of partners changes greatly.

- With what changes in relation to each other does a couple meet with the advent of old age? What is the reason for this?

A change in attitude towards a partner is associated with the emergence of an age crisis. Men and women of retirement age are not always able to overcome the onset of old age. Lack of work, usual worries, a lot of free time - these factors cause many of them not to be happy, but on the contrary, depressive. Each of the partners is adapting in their own way to this crisis. AT modern conditions life, an elderly couple more often moves away from each other, withdrawing into themselves. Many do not leave the feeling of loneliness next to a partner, lack of mutual understanding, support, poor physical health. Against this background, “old” grievances towards each other emerge. But there are couples that contain negativity in themselves, do not express internal discontent. This method is not very good, since unexpressed emotions are known to lead to illness.

- What are the ways that an elderly couple can help maintain love in a marital relationship. What are they?

I can name 4 key ways.

1. Joint communication. Spend more time with each other, communicate on topics that concern both, share joys and sorrows. Be attentive to the feelings and experiences of your partner, listen and, most importantly, hear his needs.

2. For women: do not forget that you are a woman, despite the age in your passport. Take care of yourself, emphasize your femininity, and your husband will have a second wind. For men: be a breadwinner in the family, despite back pain and other ailments. Your spouse should feel supported in you. If you bring fish in your ear, I don't think your wife will be upset.

3. Joint hobbies. Find an activity that you and your significant other enjoy. Discuss, plan, be inspired by a common cause. This will help overcome the blues and get rid of bad thoughts. And most importantly, it will bring you as a couple even closer.

4. Respect each other's personal space. Every person sometimes wants to be alone, and you don’t need to climb into his soul if he doesn’t want to. Be tolerant of the emotions and feelings of your partner, then there will be much less resentment and claims against each other.

- Can the surrounding people somehow influence the relationship of an elderly couple?

The relationship of an elderly couple, in my opinion, can only be influenced by children, because they are not indifferent to how their parents live. If the relationship between children and parents was based on mutual understanding and love, then children will definitely make efforts so that their parents live happily.

Discussing sexual relations between partners has long ceased to be a taboo in our society. However, there are topics that still cause ambiguous attitudes among people. One of these topics is sex between spouses in adulthood.

AT Soviet time it was believed that such questions cannot and should not worry the representatives of the older generation. Those who were not alien to simple worldly joys tried not to talk about it. What prevents harmonious sexual relations in adulthood, and how can sexual health be prolonged?

Where does desire go?
In adulthood, it seems that the time has finally come for yourself, because the children have grown up and no longer require constant attention, work and life are established and do not take so much time and effort. But why is there more and more often a longing for the bygone years and former love, one thinks about sex in a detached way - there is no mood, and health is no longer the same!

There are many reasons for the extinction of sexual desire - from such purely medical ones as diseases of the genitourinary sphere, neurological disorders, the constant intake of certain drugs, which is very common in adulthood, to psychological discomfort. And if health problems may well be resolved with adequate treatment, then the psychological aspect of refusing sexual relations in adulthood cannot always be determined even by the partners themselves.

Physiological causes
The reason for the extinction of sexual desire may be the natural process of reducing the production of the hormone testosterone, which accompanies both male and female menopause. More than one scientific work has been written about the latter, but about the male menopause, many representatives of the strong half of humanity not only do not guess, but also actively deny its existence. However, the physiological menopause is still present in the lives of both sexes and causes a gradual decrease in libido. If menopause is pathological and is characterized by a painful condition, then it requires mandatory appropriate diagnosis and adequate treatment.

How to return the former desire?
First, with the help of specialists such as a therapist, andrologist, gynecologist, urologist and sex therapist, you need to figure out what can affect sexual desire. Quite often, impotence and a decrease in libido are affected by the use of drugs such as antidepressants, antihypertensive drugs, and tranquilizers. Some drugs affect the decrease in sexual desire in a woman or the absence of ejaculation in a man. However, the negative result of their impact on the body is reversible, and some time after the withdrawal of these drugs, sexual desire may return again.

Another tip to increase sexual desire and reduce the negative impact of menopause is to have sex more often. After all, it is abstinence or refusal to have sex that inhibits the production of sex hormones, which affects not only libido, but also the general condition of the body. This is how it works in nature: what does not function regularly ceases to work actively. The main conditions for maintaining sexual longevity are the regularity of sex, maintaining muscle tone and maintaining a high level of mental activity. And even if at first such active sex does not cause great enthusiasm, over time you will notice that sex not only brings more and more pleasure, but also sexual desire arises faster and more often.

Let's remember youth!
In order to identify the psychological reasons for the lack of sexual relations in adulthood, it is necessary, first of all, to figure out why they arise. Of course, long years of living side by side give rise not only to feelings of unity and kinship, but also to habits and everyday life. Over the years, not only the novelty of the relationship is lost, but also the very communication between the spouses. And if you think that a familiar partner cannot offer you anything interesting, just like you, then it's time to change, if not the situation itself, then at least your attitude towards it. A good start to a new round of relationships can be a kind of journey through the memorable places of your youth: a gazebo or alley where dates took place, a summer dance floor where you kissed so delightfully on warm summer evenings. Even if many of these places have changed their appearance, you will still feel that the memory of these joyful events lives in you and keeps your love.

Not a day without new experiences!
To revive interesting communication and take a fresh look at your partner, you need not sit at home in front of the TV, but arrange a rich cultural program. It can be a visit to the theater, philharmonic society, opera, walks in your favorite square, concerts of famous singers and comedians, romantic dinner by candlelight, finally, active recreation in nature or in the country. Each of these events will give new topics for discussion, which means it will activate communication between the spouses. It is especially good if intimate conversations take place in bed, because this can turn into something more serious!

We show initiative!
It is no secret that the leading role in sexual relations is most often given to a man. However, if you are determined to revive sexual harmony in your relationship, then it's time to take the initiative into your own hands. And if in your mind female role in sex is in no way associated with assertiveness and activity, then the initiative may well be embodied with the help of tenderness and playfulness. Gentle touches, ambiguous glances, or a completely new type of behavior will intrigue any man and help you get what you want from him.

Feel beautiful!
A good physical shape will also allow you to feel more relaxed in sex, because it's no secret that many women are simply embarrassed about their body in adulthood. Of course, no one has canceled the laws of nature, and time still remains the most ruthless enemy of a woman, but still, taking care of your own body and health helps you feel more confident and more beautiful. But it is confidence in one's own beauty that helps a woman look more desirable and young.

Healthy diet, daily exercise stress, mental training and regular sex will not only help you feel younger, but also significantly reduce the risk of developing many diseases. In addition, sexual relations of spouses in adulthood help them feel the joy of life more fully, brighter and more interesting.

Our expert - psychologist Tatiana DMITRIEVA.

Health and money

The silver wedding is long over, the children are adults and grandchildren are already rather big, and their own marriage is becoming more and more tense. It would seem that nothing can break the relationship that has developed over the years, but coldness, irritation with each other, attacks of mutual hostility are growing.

As a rule, unresolved problems lie at the heart of emotional alienation. Common for older couples are:

• Deterioration of health. Against the background of chronic diseases, incontinence, irritability, and categoricalness develop.
• Decrease in the material level. According to statistics, only 20% of elderly families in our country are relatively well off financially. But, even if the spouses managed to save for old age, for most couples these are not bottomless reserves, money can be needed at any time for treatment, emergency repairs of an apartment or car. Constant restrictions encourage people to change their habitual way of life (spending on rest, clothes, food is reduced), which often contributes to the emergence of conflicts between spouses, increases hostility and alienation.

Who is guilty

However, subjective factors also play an important role in the relationship of spouses. Hostility, alienation do not arise suddenly, they are drawn from the past. Perhaps the origins are in a long-standing resentment, for example, betrayal, which is formally forgiven, but stuck in memory, like an abscessing splinter that reminds of itself from time to time.

Or maybe in their youth, the spouses did not form a unity: their life attitudes, aspirations turned out to be multidirectional, but the couple did not dare to divorce.

It also happens that the relationship of an elderly couple escalates after retirement. The male “I” reacts more sharply to a change in status: leaving work sharply reduces self-esteem, many men do not know what to do with themselves, which increases the level of anxiety. Sometimes it comes to neurosis and even depression. The husband more and more often begins to notice some shortcomings at home that he had not paid attention to before, reproaches his wife that she pays too much attention to children and grandchildren, forgetting about him.

For a woman, the transition to everyday life is not so dramatic, but she also regards the lack of attention from her husband and loved ones as painful. In general, there are many reasons for the “ice period” of relationships, and each family has its own.

It is pointless to find out who is to blame for this - he or she. Two people are always responsible for the weather in the family.

Help from outside

At the third age, divorce is an extreme measure, which, fortunately, few decide on. But how to find a way out of a difficult situation?

The most effective way to overcome alienation is to contact a psychological help center (by the way, many of them work for free) and, together with a specialist, understand the problems that have arisen, learn how to analyze and solve them, as they say, as they become available.

It is also good to master the technique of relaxation and auto-training. It is available at any age and helps to improve not only psychological but also physical well-being.

Seven Steps to Reconciliation

Steps towards each other will help to change your relationship, find more points of convergence.

1. Walk away from conflict. Do you feel like thunder is about to break? Find an excuse to avoid a fight. For example, you can urgently go to the store, “accidentally” remembering that you urgently need to buy something for the table.
2. Try to treat emerging troubles with humor - this is The best way defuse the situation and relieve stress.
3. Discuss the problems that have arisen together: let everyone express their views on the situation - a way out can only be found together. At the same time, do not blame your partner: “You promised, but didn’t do it ...”, but use phrases like “I wanted, I hoped ...” This technique will help to extinguish your spouse’s irritation and tune in to a constructive conversation.
4. Plan together the family budget for a week, for a month, decide on what and how much you can save and what these funds will be spent on.
5. Try to overcome the monotony of everyday life - this is a big problem for many older couples. Get out of the house at least once a week and spend time together. Do not ignore excursions and evenings, which, by the way, are often held by social service centers. By the way, quite often many couples get acquainted there with others and new friendships between families begin.
6. Make plans for the future. You can schedule a vacation in a sanatorium or boarding house, start changes in the house, in the country. Nothing brings people together more than common tasks and interests.