How to stop hating your ex girlfriend. Hatred for an ex-lover

Misanthropy is a slow suicide.

(Friedrich Schiller)

Hatred is a strong feeling of dislike for another person, oneself, dissatisfaction with life or circumstances. People are capable of hating both their own body and the whole the world. The most powerful and destructive feeling is hatred for one's own kind.

Sometimes hatred arises at one moment as a result of some actions or statements of another person, sometimes anger accumulates over the years, eventually turning into a burning, irresistible feeling that is almost impossible to cope with.

Hate is a destructive feeling. It gives people a lot of energy, which at the same time cannot be directed to anything positive. Hatred craves ruins and scorched earth, someone else's grief.
Hatred primarily harms the one who hates. The hater is exposed to its destructive influence. Many illnesses, both physical and mental, are caused by this terrible feeling.

Judge for yourself, a huge negative energy literally bursts you from the inside at the sight of the object of your anger or even the mention of it. At the same time, you most often cannot show your emotions in all their intensity, you have to restrain yourself. Where does the energy go? That's right, it gets inside, destroying everything in its path.

Feeling that it is impossible to live like this anymore, people begin to think about how to stop hating. Hatred will not go away on its own, this must be firmly grasped. It takes a long time to work on curing hatred, every day, every hour. If you are a believer, turning to God and confession will help.

Often people think that stop hating they can only if the hated person dies. But this rarely brings relief. Having learned that the person whom they nurtured and cherished hatred for dear years has died, they relax and realize that they even feel sorry for him. Grievances seem small and insignificant. And then a person has, having spent half his life in hatred, spend the second half, tormented by guilt.

Meanwhile, having spent a lot of time hatching plans for revenge or just constantly thinking about the object of hatred, from this very object, the hater simply loses the meaning in life. As scary as it sounds, it really does happen.
Therefore, if you experience such feelings, you need to try with all your might from him, stop hating.

Without claiming to be a specialist psychologist, I still want to give some advice, or rather even indicate the direction in which you need to try to move. At one time, this method helped me too.

How to stop hating. Step One: Find the Reason

Hatred cannot arise from scratch, although sometimes when asked why we hate a person, we can answer that we are annoyed by his very presence on earth, we hate him simply for what he is.

In fact, there is a reason for hatred and it is extremely specific. Another thing is that it can be completely insignificant, and over time we can even forget about it. But the anger will remain. Often it is the understanding of the insignificance of the cause that helps a person stop hating.

Maybe the person you hate said or did something that pissed you off and led to complete rejection. Or maybe you hate the boss who nagging you every day. Or is it a relative of your husband or a friend (whom you cannot refuse to meet) who behaves completely unacceptable for you? Find out the reason, and it will be easier for you to take the next step.

How to stop hating. Step two: put yourself in his place

The other person, no matter how surprising it may sound, may not even be aware of your hatred. He may do something without knowing how it affects you. Moreover, others around you do not suspect your attitude towards him. Still, where should they suspect something was wrong if you are exaggeratedly kind and attentive to the object of your hatred. It is the hated person that causes our increased attention and desire to be pleasant. After all, our goal is to hide our feelings, to prevent emotions from breaking through.

As a result, we get what we get. And all you need to do is talk to this person, ask him to change his behavior, think about his statements. How many internal conflicts have been resolved in this way!

But it also happens that, putting yourself in his place, you understand that he is doing nasty things, in your understanding, only out of a desire to annoy you. He is well aware of your feelings and angers you in order to be able to enjoy the manifestation of your emotions or to watch with pleasure your attempts to suppress them in yourself.

Why is he doing this? Yes, just because he likes it. Apparently there are some reasons, most often complexes that prevent him from establishing normal contacts with people, drawing attention to his person in some other way.

Maybe you hate the person who did the bad deed. Think about why the person did or is doing it. Did he do something terrible? And what would you do in his place? Do you think you could do the same similar situation? Maybe you will understand that an unsightly act is simply a manifestation of the weakness of this person.

So I'm taking you to the next step.

How to stop hating. Step three: try to forgive

As we have seen, nasty actions and words are most often caused by the fact that a person is weak and follows his own weakness. No matter how insidious he may look, this is most often just a weakness.

It is this thought that should help you forgive him and calm down. It’s easy to say: “I’m sorry!” But how to do it if you hate with all your heart? If at the mere thought of this person the stomach contracts, it is impossible to eat or sleep, and yet thoughts constantly revolve around the object of hatred.

There is one simple exercise that can help you. The main idea is that every person has a soul. She is innocent and beautiful like a child. Imagine this person as small child. It may be difficult, but you should not feel any contradiction at this stage. After all, the object of your anger was once really a baby, he had loving mom and dad, he was naive and touching.

Imagine that this child continues to live inside this person. He is frightened and unhappy, he closes his eyes every time the "master" tells you nasty things or provokes you. Take pity, let him understand with your voice, intonations that you know about him, pity him, are ready to support.

This does not mean that when an unpleasant person appears, you should approach him, knock on his chest and say something like: "Hey, baby, I know you're there." No, just talk to the person the way you would talk to a child. Do not be fooled by provocations, pity his little pure soul, instead of hating him.

To many, this exercise may seem silly and useless. That is until you try. I have used this technique for myself. The hatred for the man was so strong that I even began to treat his relatives badly, because they tolerate him and even manage to love him.

The object of my hatred harmed me, said nasty things, did dirty tricks. Moreover, he did not even enjoy his victories, he did not care, he simply believed that he had the right to do so, well, simply because he did not like me.

Only after sorting out the situation, highlighting specific reasons, finding out what exactly supports my hatred and trying to understand why he behaves this way, I saw what reasons he has (albeit unfair, but understandable), I understood why he does it this way (just because other ways are not available to him, since he is the easiest to do). I was able to forgive him for his own imperfection, stupid complexes, I could even regret it.

The process was slow, it was rather difficult, but I tried to perceive the person as some kind of experiment object, to distract myself from my hostility at least for a while. Then she was able to see a baby in him and talk only with him.

As a result, we have had peaceful relations over the past few years. The man stopped plotting and saying nasty things and even treats me with some warmth. I didn’t love him with all my heart, it’s simply impossible, but I perceive him normally, without anger and hostility, and I don’t grit my teeth when he comes to my house.

I do not claim that this method is a panacea, but in not too neglected cases, with your great desire, of course, it can work. I really hope it helps someone stop hating and the world will become one less hater.

If you can't handle yourself, and your hatred is so great that you can't tame it for a while, in order to at least analyze the situation impartially, it's probably better to turn to a specialist.

Alexandra Panyutina
Women's magazine JustLady

Why does it happen that the most loving couples end relationships with the loudest and most scandalous breakups, and then proudly say: “I hate my ex / ex!”? After all, it would seem that since you loved each other so much, then it was fitting for you to part amicably. But in practice it turns out the opposite. From love to hate one step! And we see this every day in the example of many stars, for example, Rihanna or Britney Spears. And Madonna once proudly declared that she hates ex-husband Sean Penn. However, she generally hates many of her exes ... Britney Spears also throws arrows of hatred at Kevin Federline - because he took away children, ruined her life, broke her career (for everything, in general).

WomanJournal.ru asked the age-old questions: why do we hate the former and what should we do to put our feelings in order?

Why do Rihanna and Madonna hate their exes?

Take at least star couples. Madonnai Sean Penn, Rihanna and Chris Brown... They could easily claim the title of the most passionate and sincere lovers. But all their enchanting novels ended in a real enmity. In the case of Madonna and Rihanna, love turned into hate after the beatings. WomanJournal.ru has already written about why loving men can beat their women and how to tame the aggressor. You don't have to be a psychoanalyst to understand why after domestic violence, many women like Madonna, Rihanna and Oksana Grigorieva hate their exes. But what to do with this hatred? How to put feelings in order? And is it possible to take a step back, from hatred to love, or at least neutrality?

Why We Hate Exes: An Expert Commentary

Tatyana Volkova, psychologist, image consultant, coach, told WomanJournal.ru why we hate the former:

To the question: “What feeling is the opposite of love?” – in most cases they answer: “Hatred”. Actually it is not. The opposite of love is indifference. Love is perhaps the most capacious, most energy-consuming feeling. loving person directs all his thoughts, all forces, aspirations to interaction with the object of his love. And if something breaks in a relationship, the energy that fills love does not go anywhere. She can't just pick up and disappear. And love is replaced by hate. Hatred and love are equally powerful, but at the same time, bipolar feelings, like two sides of the same coin. And only after going through all the circles of hell that await a person who has hated the dearest person in the world, indifference comes. Only after “having been ill” with hatred, having decided on the answer to the question “who is to blame for the separation or divorce and what to do”, you can calm down and start living on.

The difficulty is that hatred and everything connected with it are feelings that are not socially approved. This makes you hush up hatred, experience inside yourself. The one who hates is “boiled in his own juice”, which in no way contributes to the purification of the soul and calmness. To be free from hatred, it is very important to find a way to release the energy that overwhelms the hater. Can do active sports, creativity, to beat the old dishes that are associated with the offender ... Anything! It is important that this method is acceptable to the hater, does not cause rejection in him and the feeling that he is doing something unworthy.

By the way, accepting the situation does not mean that you will be together again after a divorce, for example. It means to forgive, and forgiveness means letting off steam, forgetting, and allowing yourself to move on with your life.

How to stop hating your ex?

We have already talked about how to learn to forgive in principle. And now let's open effective method forgiveness and acceptance, which you can use in relation to the former MCH. This method was developed and successfully applied more than once by the Canadian psychologist Liz Burbo. For forgiveness, you will only need to go through the following seven steps (preferably while writing down what is happening).

Identify and write down on paper what you blame, why you hate your ex and how do you feel in this situation?

What were your expectations in this situation? By answering this question, you will understand that you hate your ex not because he is a "monster", but because you had certain expectations towards him, and he behaved differently.

Put yourself in the shoes of your ex. Understand that he felt the same way as you. And perhaps he also wants to get rid of fears, just like you. Find out at what point the ex could accuse you of the same thing that you accuse him of now?

Now forgive YOURSELF! Feel love and compassion for the part of you that hated your ex and acted like him out of fear.

Check out how the forgiveness went. How does it feel to tell your ex about the first three steps you took. If doubt and fear arise, it means that the stages have not yet been completed.

Tell your ex what you went through and check if he accused you of the same thing in this or another situation.

Identify when and in what situation did you experience something similar with your father? Remember, maybe you had to accuse him of everything the same as you accuse the MCH? If so, go through the previous six steps with your father too.

In general, after parting, forgive and let go of the former.

Extremely specific. Another thing is that it can be completely insignificant, and over time we can even forget about it. Often it is the understanding of the insignificance of the cause that helps a person stop hating.

Find out the reason, and it will be easier for you to take the next step.

Step two: put yourself in his place

You need to talk with this person, ask him to change his behavior, think about his statements. How many internal conflicts have been resolved in this way!

Think about why the person did or is doing it. Did he do something terrible? And what would you do in his place? Do you think you could do the same in a similar situation? Maybe you will understand that an unsightly act is simply a manifestation of the weakness of this person.

So I'm taking you to the next step.

Step three: try to forgive

As we have seen, nasty actions and words are most often caused by the fact that a person is weak and follows his own weakness. No matter how insidious he may look, this is most often just a weakness.

It is this thought that should help you forgive him and calm down.

An exercise

There is one simple exercise that can help you. The main idea is that every person has. She is innocent and beautiful like a child. So imagine this person in the form of a small child. It may be difficult, but you should not feel any contradiction at this stage. After all, the object of your anger was once really a baby, he had a loving mom and dad, he was naive and touching.

Imagine that this child continues to live inside this person. He is frightened and unhappy, he closes his eyes every time the "master" tells you nasty things or provokes you. Have pity on the baby, let him understand with your voice, intonations that you know about him, pity him, are ready to support.

Example

I have used this technique for myself. The hatred for the man was so strong that I even began to treat his relatives badly, because they tolerate him and even manage to love him.

The process was slow, it was quite difficult, but I tried to learn to perceive a person as a kind of object of experiment, to distract myself from my hostility at least for a while. Then she was able to see a baby in him and talk only with him.

I do not claim that this method is a panacea, but in not too neglected cases, with your great desire, of course, it can work. I really hope that he will help someone stop hating, and the world will become one less hater.

If you can't handle yourself, and your hatred is so great that you can't tame it for a while, in order to at least analyze the situation impartially, it's probably better to turn to a specialist.

Life is complicated. Sometimes it can be difficult to understand your feelings, because it is not always clear why they arise and how to get rid of them. And it also happens that relationships with others do not go well. How to stop hating people? Find answers below.

What is hate?

There are many negative feelings. Hatred is one of them. But what does she represent? Hatred is a feeling that arises in a person as a response to the behavior or personal qualities of others. Why does it arise? Most often, hatred settles in the soul when others do not. But it also happens that a treacherous feeling creeps in for absolutely no apparent reason. It can be provoked by some trifle.

How does hatred show up?

All people are different. They differ in upbringing, worldview and outlook on life. And it is not always possible to find a common language. In such situations, hatred creeps into the soul. How does it manifest itself? Most often in anger and aggression. A person begins to scream, swear, and sometimes do things that he later regrets. Revenge is one of the most common manifestations of hatred. A person can out of spite do very obscene things, such as falsifying documents, inciting other people, and even intentionally ruining life.

How to stop hating people? This is a difficult task. After all, hatred is a multifaceted feeling, and it can be difficult to overcome it in oneself. If a person is well brought up, then at least outwardly he will remain calm. After all, shouting and swearing has never helped solve problems. It is not difficult to remove the external symptoms of the manifestation of hatred, exercises in self-control will help here. But you should not be limited to eliminating the consequences, you always need to get to the bottom of the cause.

Who do people hate?

A person never experiences strong feelings just like that. After all, in order to hate someone, you need a good reason. Most often, the soul is hurt by loved ones. Here they are chosen as objects of hatred. Men and women can hate their former lovers. And it would seem strange that yesterday's object of adoration today is disgusting. But this happens all the time. People converge on the basis of closeness of spirit, and disperse due to misunderstanding or because they cannot fulfill their obligations.

Close relatives are often the object of hatred. Children may have conflicting feelings towards their parents. Why is this happening? Because the parents did not give tenderness and affection. Or maybe the child wanted to get an education in the field of economics, but it was decided for him that it was better to go to study as a doctor. Brothers may hate their sisters for receiving too much love. Simple jealousy sometimes destroys families forever.

Colleagues also often do not differ in restraint of feelings. They hate the successful young man, who in a year was able to climb the career ladder higher than they were in ten years.

How to stop hating people? It is worth accepting that everyone has their own ambitions, characters and outlook on life. No need to try to change others. It is easier to reconsider your own views. In every specific case you need to ask yourself a simple question: why? Why do you hate this person? And if you look deeper into the soul, the answer is sure to be found.

self hatred

People often screw themselves up. There are individuals who practice this on an ongoing basis. And as a result, they develop self-hatred. It is impossible to get rid of this feeling without understanding its true cause. Why does a person hate himself? Because in his eyes he seems to himself pathetic and insignificant. But it's unnatural. Most likely, these thoughts were inspired by others. After all, a person with low self-esteem is easy to manage.

People may hate themselves for failure. In life there are not only white, but also black stripes. During such periods, everything falls out of hand and nothing can be done. Everything can start with a trifle, for example, with a burnt scrambled egg or a runaway coffee. Further, a person who is discouraged may embarrass himself at a meeting or, due to forgetfulness, not hand over the project on time. After that, the authorities will definitely announce a reprimand. In this situation, if a person does not pull himself together, he will scold himself for weakness, laziness and irresponsibility.

You can also hate yourself for your actions. Each of us has done things that are embarrassing to remember. For example, a person could play an evil trick on a friend or commit an inappropriate trick. This act is followed by repentance, and if there is no one to pour it out, people begin to hate themselves. After all, this is easier to do than to accept the situation as it is.

Hatred for loved ones

Breaking up is always hard. It is impossible to get used to it or develop immunity. Every time will be like the first. Why lovers begin to hate after parting Folk wisdom says that from love to hate is one step. And it is true. The fact is that lovers cannot sincerely admit to each other that they are annoyed or dissatisfied. Thus, resentment accumulates. They find a way out in quarrels. When lovers quarrel, they can hurt each other with caustic remarks that, under other circumstances, would not sound so offensive. Soon people reconcile, but resentment does not go away. It accumulates in the soul and will definitely pop up at the next spat. Soon a person begins to hate his soul mate. Therefore, people disperse. Mutual resentment and reproach at the same time flow like a stream.

How to stop hating the person who hurt you? You need to understand his point of view. People always know the reason for their actions, it's just that sometimes it's not obvious. You need to put yourself in the place of the offender and think about why he treated you badly. And believe me, if you think carefully, you can find a lot of reasons.

Expert opinion

What do psychologists say about hate? Experts say that this is an innate feeling. After all, without it, people would not truly understand what love is. After all, it is precisely by opposing one feeling to another that a person can appreciate his surroundings. But if hatred is innate, then why fight it? But laziness, as you know, is born before a person. The fact is that whatever the feeling, good or bad, it must be recognized and controlled. People live in a society, and they need to be able to obey its laws.

How to stop hating the person who betrayed you? Psychologists unanimously agree that you need to forgive. Difficult? Yes, but hatred is not good for anyone. And the fact of betrayal can no longer be changed. Therefore, you need to accept and let go of the situation. Well, yes, it was, but now you understand people better and do not let a person who does not deserve your trust approach you.

Is anger and hatred the same thing?

Not all people can account for the feelings they experience. Therefore, hatred is often confused with anger. And some even consider these concepts synonymous. Is it so? No. After all, anger is a feeling that a person experiences in a particular situation. For example, let's say a friend played a trick on you. What will you do? Get angry. But do not hate a person because he has a bad sense of humor. If a friend is understanding, then he will no longer play a joke. The hatred is piling up. A single incident is not enough for it to be born in the soul. A person needs to make a mistake at least three times so that you can truly hate him.

How do you deal with people you hate?

Do not show your feelings in public. It's ugly and won't benefit anyone. Therefore, the person you hate should be treated like a distant acquaintance. You need to greet him and maintain a normal conversation. Cold-bloodedness is a trait of kings. Why does the object of your hatred need to know that you care about him? That's right, no need. Try not to express your dislike, but it is better to overcome it in your heart altogether.

How to stop hating people? It is necessary in each case to learn to put yourself in someone else's place. If this does not work out, try mentally "going out onto the balcony." What does it mean? It is necessary to step back from the situation and look at it from the outside.

How to stop hating someone

You need to understand that if you have strong feelings for someone, it means that you are not indifferent to the person. Most likely, you cannot come to terms with some of his qualities or actions. What do you do if you hate a person? You need to understand the reason. If you do not like his activity in a business partner, you may envy him and worry that he invests more in the business than you do. Talk to a friend and explain your feelings to him. Next time, he will entrust you with holding an important conference or going to a meeting with customers. Do you hate your lover because he maintains a warm relationship with his ex-girlfriend? Perhaps she is beautiful, smart and purposeful, and you are simply afraid of losing your boyfriend.

How to stop thinking about the person you hate? Need to relax. After you forgive a person, you need to switch thoughts in a different direction. You should go to the cinema, to the skating rink or to a cafe with friends.

When analyzing advice and opinions on how to stop hating yourself, you should definitely mention the fact of raising self-esteem. Only weak people can be offended by themselves and others. Strong personalities don't hold hatred on anyone. After all, it makes no sense to accumulate grievances that will later poison the soul.

How to stop hating everyone

It seems incredible that a completely normal person can be angry at the whole world? But this has happened to everyone. You may be late for an important meeting, and as luck would have it, there are only traffic jams on the road. When you nevertheless got to the office and decided that it would be faster to get to the 10th floor by elevator, the lifting mechanism fails. Well, naturally, arriving at a meeting after such troubles, you will begin to hate the whole world. Although, in fact, no one is to blame for the failures. How to stop hating people around you in such a situation? It is worth understanding that everything always happens for the best. Perhaps your delay gave a speech to a partner who coped with the task very well. It should be understood that people cannot influence some events. In these situations, you need to relax and reconcile, because there is nothing else left, so why bother yourself once again?

How to stop hating others if people annoy you with their stupidity? You need to understand that each person is an expert in his field. And if you are a programmer, you do not need to expect amazing insight in modeling from others. computer games. After all, you are also not fluent in 10 languages, and your knowledge of economics and jurisprudence leaves much to be desired, but this does not irritate your acquaintances. Treat people with respect.

You may feel extreme hatred for a former partner or divorced spouse, and often this dislike makes you feel even worse. When you're trying to get your morale back after a breakup, it's important to give yourself time to process your emotions and move on with your life. Such a step will help to turn hatred towards the former partner into some positive, and perhaps even useful emotions, and, finally, get rid of anger.

Steps

Part 1

Transforming your emotions

Write down your feelings on paper. Take a piece of paper and take some time to pour out the reasons for your feelings of hatred towards your ex. This could be because of what he or she did to you, or even because of a shared decision. Try to be as detailed as possible and don't be afraid to be really sincere about your feelings and emotions.
- It may take you some time to do this, during which you add new thoughts every day until you feel that you are free from all the causes of anger or pain that are associated with your partner. You can describe in detail any betrayal or a situation where the ex-partner made you feel worthless, or otherwise insulted you in some way.
Analyze your own feelings. Reread the notes at least twice after writing down all the possible negative points and the associated periods of hatred towards the former partner. Use this as evidence of your past relationships and how bad you felt during that period. After reading, tear or otherwise destroy the document. This is how you acknowledge your hatred for your ex and at the same time choose to abandon it or uproot it from your heart.
- If you are seeing a therapist or occupational health counselor family matters, which helps to sort out the relationship with a former partner, you can bring a document to this meeting and destroy it in front of him. Having a credible witness to the document's destruction can motivate you to let go of your hatred.
Help yourself get rid of hatred. Remember that hate is not a productive emotion and is often debilitating for you and those around you. Think about how you can replace the feeling of hatred with exciting thoughts about the future or motivation for the next stage of life, but without your ex. By overcoming your hatred, you can switch to less harmful emotions, such as pity, dislike, or even forgiveness of the offender.
- You may be afraid to let go of the hate, as it somehow keeps you connected to your ex. Anger can act as a form of negative attachment, as opposed to love or happiness, which are both positive attachments. Instead of letting hate control your attachment to your ex, let go of it, which will allow you to leave past relationships behind. You don't have to forgive or forget your ex's hurtful behavior after you've let go of your anger and hatred, but you can become a person free of emotions that depress and make you feel worse and more alone.
Create a list of goals that you are going to achieve in the coming year. To motivate yourself to focus on the future rather than the past, create a list of short and long term goals for the year. Think of a skill you wish you could learn or improve, but weren't able to get started because of a relationship with an ex, or wasting energy on hate after a breakup.
- These can be short-term goals, such as a cooking class, or long-term goals, such as regular morning runs and yoga classes at least three times a week. Focus all your attention on achievable tasks where you feel you can push yourself to be successful in achieving them. You will gain a boost of self-confidence and feel great if you know that your energy and personal time are not wasted on an ex-partner.
Spend time with friends and family. During the breakup period, through such communication, you will feel the support of family and close friends who are your support. Most likely, they will support your desire to get rid of hatred and focus on plans for the future.
- Also, relatives can assess what is happening and provide regular support in an accessible form. Don't be afraid to ask them for help or advice if you're struggling with feelings of anger or hatred. Support from loved ones in difficult times will help change everything and give you the necessary strength to get rid of negative feelings.