A father consoles his daughter who was abandoned by her boyfriend. Daughter suffers terribly after breaking up with a young man

Breaking up always brings a lot of pain at any age. But it's especially hard for teenagers. To add more drama to this situation, many teenagers begin to act out in public (among peers, in and out of school, in social networks). Their behavior may include gossip, rumors, and other lies. how loving parent teenage daughter, you will most likely want to help her get through this pain. Talk to her, let her talk about her feelings without judgment on your part. In the coming weeks, try to provide emotional support to your daughter, persuade her to walk more often and give her hope for a bright and happy future. If this situation is accompanied by special circumstances (such as depression or any type of addiction), seek help.

Steps

Part 1

1. Try to be neutral about the situation. Even if you didn't like your daughter's boyfriend, you shouldn't tell her about it now. If your daughter is still a teenager, her relationship can be completely unpredictable. Perhaps your daughter will even return to him later. Therefore, refrain from negative judgments. Even if your daughter's boyfriend treated her badly, now is not the time to take sides. Then it can turn into unpleasant consequences for you.

   • You want your daughter to calmly tell you about her romantic relationship, especially when she is still very young. But if you sling mud at her ex so they don't get back together, she won't turn to you in the future if she's in trouble.
   • If your daughter starts saying something bad about her ex-boyfriend, don't respond negatively to her. It's better to say something like this: "It's okay to feel angry after a breakup."

2. Tell us about your own love story. After a while, when your daughter has a little grieve, she may want to look at the situation from a different point of view. In this case, you can tell her a little about your love story. This will help her understand that breakups are completely normal and natural, and people always have to go through this.

   Give your daughter hope for the future. Once your daughter has calmed down a bit and wants to know your opinion about the situation, give her hope. Remind her that things will get better with time. But this must be done in such a way as not to accidentally belittle her feelings that she is experiencing at the moment.

   • Don't say, "When I was your age, I went through the same thing and I don't even think about it anymore. You'll be fine."
   • Instead, understand how she feels and tell her something reassuring. For example: "I know that you are in a lot of pain right now, but remember that this is not forever. I also went through a similar gap, but in the future you will have a much happier relationship."

3. Encourage your daughter to be active. She might want to sit in her room for a few days. Wanting to be alone with yourself after a bad breakup is completely normal, but don't let her worry too much. Fixation on relationships and breakups can even lead to more serious problems (such as depression). Therefore, try to somehow gently convey to her that she needs to continue to do her usual things and see her friends. This will help her recover faster.

   • At first, you can allow your daughter to skip various extracurricular activities and activities, but it is important to make sure that over time she will return to her usual sports activities, to her communities of interests and hobbies. Keeping busy will help her get rid of obsessive thoughts about relationships and show that life goes on.
   • You can try to invite her friends. Be hospitable to your daughter's guests - this will help her become more sociable.
   • Help her develop in her hobbies. If your daughter enjoys sewing, consider getting her a new fabric or help her with a new project. If she likes to get out in nature, organize a family picnic or hike.

Part 3

1. Pay attention to any warning signs that your child needs professional help. It's perfectly normal to feel a little sad after a breakup, but it's not normal for teenagers to experience some sort of depression after the end of a short-lived, non-serious relationship. Therefore, it is worth paying attention to signs that your daughter's reaction is out of the norm or dragged on for a long time. Perhaps she needs the help of a psychologist.

   • If even after a few weeks your daughter seems very sad, she most likely needs specialist help. If she has lost interest in her hobbies, still cries a lot and avoids people, she needs a psychologist's consultation.
   • Be sure to contact a psychologist with your daughter if you notice that she began to harm herself or began to use alcohol and drugs after breaking up.
2. When your child is in pain, it's normal to be upset and sad about it. No one likes to watch their child go through a breakup. However, try to control your own emotions when talking to your daughter. When helping your daughter, it is important not to upset her and not make her worry even more.

• Make sure your daughter knows that you care about her. This topic is very personal, so you need to show your attention and care all the time.
• Have your daughter connect with people who have gone through a similar situation. Your daughter needs to understand that she is not the only one who has had to go through difficult times.

Warnings

• Don't be too pushy. If you know your daughter is uncomfortable talking to you about it, back off. Perhaps it will open to you when it is ready.

Dear mother, I sympathize with you and your daughter. Unfortunately, we cannot solve their problems for our children. We can only support them. I can offer you ten ways that help you cope with a breakup with your loved one. Gently invite her to try them.

1. First of all, you need to stop all contact with him. This applies not only to real meetings, but also communication in social networks and text messages. It is impossible to forget the person whose page you visit every day. As soon as the daughter ceases to be interested in what is happening in his life and goes about her life, she will immediately feel relieved.

2. Persuade her to try something new. The more interests she has, the less opportunity she has to think about failed relationships and feel sorry for herself. Moreover, new hobbies should be useful and positive. Yoga or other forms of physical activity will do.

3. Try to discuss as little as possible with the daughter of her ex. Constant talk about him will only increase this unhealthy addiction. Any obsession is a path to anxiety, depression and loss of interest in life. Now your daughter cannot clearly explain to herself why the breakup happened, but in life something often happens that does not depend on our desires. But such events help us become more resilient and flexible.

4. Don't offer"knock out a wedge with a wedge." You should not rush into a new relationship without recovering from the breakup. Otherwise, there is a high probability of a new parting and disappointment.

5. Remind her that she is young and there will be many more events in her life. But try not to discount what happened to her before. Show that you respect her and value her relationship and her choices.

6. Convince her not to be interested in affairs ex boyfriend with mutual friends. This leads to new experiences.

7. If these acquaintances themselves seek to tell their daughter about him, try to convince her that such conversations should be stopped. If she firmly says that she is not interested, acquaintances will tell mutual acquaintances about this, and gradually interest in the personal life of your daughter and her ex-boyfriend will come to naught.

8. Discuss what is happening in her life right now. Have her try to find at least one event each day that she is grateful for. Gratitude makes us experience positive emotions even in the most difficult times. difficult periods life.

9. Talk about friendship and about which of her friends is really dear and close to her, with whom she is pleased to communicate. Encourage her to meet new people. New people and topics of conversation are a good antidepressant.

Hello, please give me some advice in this situation. My daughter is 16 and has no luck with guys. The first time her boyfriend left her because my grandmother decided that my girl was not a match for her grandson. my daughter was then 12 years old (he told her about the breakup on her birthday). There was depression, disappointment in relationships, and an unattractive complex for boys. After 9 months, in the camp, the daughter met a boy. Good boy, studies at a cadet school, 1 year older than her. He somehow immediately fell in love with her, admitted it to her. They began to meet, but the daughter treated him like a friend, nothing more. On his part, there were confessions eternal love. His mother called me and assured me that this love is for life, that her son is monogamous. Under this onslaught, my daughter began to thaw, On her part, too, there was a feeling, the boy can be said to have fallen in love with her. This went on for about two years, and now, like a bolt from the blue - my daughter receives SMS from him - we need to part ways. No reason given. The daughter was dumbfounded, trying to find out the reason. They talked on the phone, because. It was summer and there was no opportunity to meet. As a result of the correspondence, we agreed to meet and talk, my daughter insisted on this. After this meeting, at which it turned out that he wrote all this simply because he felt bad, and he still loves her, the relationship resumed. The daughter was happy. This happiness lasted 7 months. Yesterday he came, the day before he said that we need to talk. As the daughter says, at first the conversation was about the pros and cons of each other, about how to change their relationship for the better. And then, after a moment of silence - that's it, we'll melt ...... When my daughter came home, her face was gone. She again did not understand why she was abandoned. Yes. due to her busyness, there was not much time for meetings and communication. Yes, and he also has problems with this - graduation class - admission. The daughter is not inclined to express her emotions violently and in her attitude towards him too, and the boy wants a stormy relationship - to meet more often, to communicate - and if he does not have the opportunity to meet - this normal, but if the daughter does not have time, this is a crime. Yesterday we both roared with her, She is from resentment, pain and misunderstanding. I - from my own impotence that I cannot help her and the lack of faith in a good future for my daughter. I can’t support my daughter with anything, I don’t know how to get her out of her stupor. I find myself treating their relationship as a relationship 100% leading to the creation of a family. On the one hand, the daughter wants to return it, on the other, she is afraid that everything will happen again. It's good that yesterday I erased my phone numbers for both him and his mother, otherwise I would have called today and tried to get him back. I took my daughter to school ... Again I roar, it’s very hard on my soul and it hurts, as if they had abandoned me, but what does it feel like to her .... Probably this situation is not fatal, my daughter is only 16, but how can I help her survive all this without having Do you have strength and faith in a good future?

Answer:

Hello. Thanks for sharing. You can help your daughter only if you yourself are in a "working" state. Therefore, you first need to figure out with yourself - why you react so sharply to this situation. I can only assume that this has happened to you in your life. Otherwise, it is not entirely clear why you react so emotionally to a seemingly ordinary life situation. My daughter is 16 and has her whole life ahead of her. And you have already pasted a bunch of labels and complexes to her. Helping you get through this is very simple - you need to mind your own business, think about your studies, meet other guys, in general, move on with your life. It's just that your daughter was unlucky with a guy and that's it. Here, it’s just not necessary to dig and look for some deep reasons. And do not treat yourself as a victim, that is, your daughter should not allow the thought that she was abandoned. They all broke up. The boy may have his own problems, and because of this, you should not hang a stigma on yourself. In general, you first of all need to calm down and try to look at this situation philosophically. Anything can happen in life, and if someone does not like you, it does not mean at all that you are a schmuck.

Hello!
I do not know what to do.
My daughter broke up with a boy a year and a half ago (now she is 18 years old). Since then, she has stopped going out, constantly sits at home, her self-esteem has dropped a lot due to the kilograms she has gained (due to the fact that she hardly moves), she doesn’t want to go to the institute (she says that she can’t be people), she began smoke. I try to talk to her, she answers in a joking or, conversely, aggressive way, refuses to go to the doctor, says that she is fine, and then I lie at night and hear her sobbing behind the wall.
When I say that the light has not converged on that boy, she just plugs her ears.

I was very worried about her and read her virtual diary.
Read and cry. It's very scary - to read how own daughter writes:
"I want to disappear.
Abyss from this world and leave no memory of yourself."

"At night it gets worse.
The pain is like everything is turned inside out.
Almost normal during the day. Sometimes I even laugh.
And at night you really want to die.
I'm scared. I'm afraid of nightfall, but I can't sleep either. Does not work."

"I'm broken. Completely. It's time to throw me in a landfill"

And in each new topic, similar thoughts.

This is what she once wrote about that boy:
"It's been 8 months and 10 days since we broke up...
It would seem - so much.
And for me, these 8 months were like 1 day.
Long terrible days. days without you."

I'm very scared for her. I read how she writes casually and indifferently about her death, and I want to tie her to me and not let go a single step.
I am desperate. Tell me, please, how should I behave? How can I convince her to see a psychologist?

Irina, Kyiv, Ukraine, 40 years old

Answer from an art psychologist:

Hello Irina.

Sincerely, Pugacheva Maria.

My daughter broke up with her boyfriend. It seems none of my business... But I can't put up with it. The guy is good. She flew for a year and a half, she was happy. In the summer, they began to quarrel, she began to take offense at him for the fact that he began to pay less attention to her. He really does not like these showdowns, was silent, or promised to change everything. In September, she decided to break up with him, but he asked to give him a chance. For more than two months, she simply mocked him, no matter what he did, no matter how he ran, she didn’t give a damn about anything. She just kicked him out a week ago. I know that the guy is very hard, we communicate with him. I am very offended by my daughter for her attitude towards him. I saw how much she loved, wanted to be with him. How could she fall out of love and hate so quickly? We had the funeral of my grandfather, my father, the guy helped with everything for three days, was next to his daughter, he was ready to redo everything with us, help with everything, be with her every minute, get married, she wanted all this so much more recently, but now it doesn't matter. We became friends with families, went to visit each other. Yes, I know that everyone will answer me that it's none of my business. But I'm in such pain that it's hard to even breathe. I see how the daughter falls in love with the guys and leaves, hurting them, she just plays at love, and then she sees nothing, but only a new relationship. For more than a year she talked about her love, and it was obvious from her. I don't understand how you can forget everything at once. And I can not understand and forgive her. I know that I cannot part with my dream, that she will be happy with him. I consider her evil, I take offense at her, and by this I offend her. I know this is her life. And I cry, I hope that she will make peace, I hope for her kindness. I know he is very sick. And she seems to be all in new dreams, constantly hanging on the phone, she has dramatically changed her style, hairstyle ... And I cry in the evenings and try to convince her to make peace, I annoy her with this. I think that she acted badly, wrongly, cruelly, and that's it. I am writing all this, probably to get a portion of the negative for myself, to somehow sober up from these thoughts. Am I wrong?

Olga, Kazakhstan, 44 years / 11/18/16

Opinions of our experts

• Alyona

  Olga, yes, you are wrong. It's not her dream, it's yours. You liked the guy so much that you yourself would marry him if you were as young. And it is your dreams you are trying to realize, trying to make your daughter change her mind. In my opinion, you just need to let go of the situation and let your daughter figure out for herself who she loves and who she was passionate about, but no more. The fact that she, perhaps, does not know how to build long-term relationships and twists guys, playing with feelings is your fault. The girl learns from her mother. So the example was wrong. And now she needs to grow up, break firewood and fill bumps in order to understand herself and understand what she needs from a man with whom she wants to stay and patiently build relationships. It's pretty obvious that the guy you're talking about doesn't inspire her anymore. So why should she waste time on him and, most importantly, why reassure the guy himself? They are so young. Let them figure it out for themselves. And at the age of 44 you need to remember your own personal life and your own “I”. You started living the life of a daughter early. Think about yourself. Why cry about failed wedding daughters? Where are you in a hurry? Live for yourself, remember what interests you most in this life.

• Sergey

  Olga, you are indeed wrong. Wrong that you refuse your daughter to make her own decisions and do not accept them. No, I understand that you liked her old boyfriend. He's so positive and correct from the point of view of the mother-in-law. But maybe that's the point? A young man who does not have his own opinion, who is ready to obey his elders in everything, who meekly endures bullying and even asks for forgiveness for this, may well just get bored with a young, active girl. At first I liked the balanced approach, but, as we communicated, it began to annoy. Alas, but it happens. This is called - did not agree on the characters. And you shouldn't regret it. Believe me, it is much worse when such guys, under the influence of their parents, create a family, give birth to a child, and then rattle the nerves of themselves and others, and still part. So the fact that your daughter broke up with this guy is not a bad thing. Worse, she has no support at home. Maybe that's why she behaves in such a way that she wants to prove her adulthood to you first of all? What to do? Maybe you should take care of yourself? Judging by the fact that you never mentioned your daughter's father in your letter, you don't have a husband. Perhaps this is the reason you react so strongly to the way your daughter sorts out applicants. You are afraid that she will repeat your mistakes. But it's not her problem, it's yours. And since yours, then you should deal with it, and first of all with yourself. Of course, it is not easy at the age of 40 to admit that you are wrong. And in front of her daughter, who is younger and looks, respectively, better, and even juggles with men, as you never dreamed of. You are probably subconsciously jealous. And envy is a sign of weakness that never led to anything good. That's why you're angry with your daughter. Personally, I think that in order to reduce the degree of aggression in this case, you should take care of your own appearance. Perhaps I am banal and speak common truths, but I know for sure that a woman who likes herself likes others, and treats the world around her in a completely different way. You obviously don't like yourself. Here's how to change the situation. You are only 44 years old. Just believe that if you wish, you can easily bring your body to a state where those who are 10 years younger will envy. The main thing to do. And, accordingly, finding a worthy companion is also real. Then the “problems” of the daughter will fade into the background until the appearance of grandchildren. Of course, this is much easier said than done. However, everything is possible. The main thing is to want and not be lazy. Although, on the other hand, everyone is free to grow old whenever he wants, and spoil his life to the best of his own views. But is it necessary? In Europe, about 40 women only give birth to children, and you are already behaving like a grandmother.