There were no guys. "I will never have a boyfriend"

Good day. I came here with some extremely banal and stupid question, but it is important for me - and, perhaps, it will be interesting for you.

I am a third-year student of a completely humanitarian faculty, I am twenty years old, and I do not have and never had a boyfriend. It's not that I see this as a problem or a disaster; rather, it bothers me just from a theoretical point of view, like a puzzle that needs to be solved in order to find a solution to some of the more general problems of my life. No, it doesn't really surprise me. I study not only at a completely humanistic faculty, but also at an extremely feminine one, and I can always see around me a statistically justified number of single girls and women. True, in reality there were much fewer of them than I originally imagined, but among the existing ones, of course, there are enough of those who are so much better and more attractive in all respects, kinder, wiser and more talented than me, that this, it seems, should remove everything questions. Just don’t understand, please, that I consider the presence of these very “relationships” a criterion for how good a person is. It's not like that at all. But this is a part of life, maybe an optional, not critical, but an existing and important part, isn't it? And I really believe that there are some points of reference, or at least ways to evaluate kindness, wisdom, attractiveness - in a word, everything that seems to be a reason to want to be with a person, want to become a part of his life and take responsibility for him . Each person is unique, each person is valuable; but since we all live on earth together, then inevitably we are somehow compared, and if a person really cannot live alone (in the broad sense), then he will definitely somehow choose with whom he will not be alone. Sorry, I am very afraid that this post will come out quite huge and that I will go into a senseless theoretical jungle, but suddenly someone will be able to read this to the end and it turns out that I was at least a little able to express what I feel.
As for me, I'm average. Mind, common sense, appearance, kindness - as far as I can tell, I'm hardly good with all this, but not particularly bad either. Until the age of 18, I considered myself terribly ugly; now I also sometimes have such thoughts, but in general, I still managed to understand that there is nothing critically ugly in me, and the rest of the troubles can be solved by competent selection of clothes, sports, healthy eating and kindness to the world. But at the same time there is one undoubted thing that I am very afraid of and at the same time cannot help but realize: I am mediocrity. There is nothing in me that differs from the hypothetically taken model of an untalented person. I'm almost a complete creative impotent. A whole childhood of rhythmic gymnastics and music school could not do anything with clumsiness and complete lack of hearing; I can periodically write only rather bad and one-sided poems (I know that you can’t call my verbal attempts “poems”, this is not so much my immodesty as an attempt to simplify the text), and my need for this is satisfied, and not eternal, as in truly talented people. I realized that in my field I would never do anything significant scientific discovery; I am not afraid of work and I can do relatively good research and scientific articles, but by the third year, the presence of “this one” in a person who is interested in science, you see, is already visible. I don't have "this one". Whatever I do, it can come out quite well - but it will never come out any great, that is, it will never arouse anyone's interest. And so it is with all areas of personal properties and occupations that it makes no sense to list, work, organizing the space around you, creating peace in the family, etc., etc.
From the foregoing, it would seem that one could conclude that I am globally uninteresting, and just calm down and not hope for anything, study, try to grow spiritually, develop at least some of my sides, be with family and friends. For the most part, this is what I do. But there is also the concept of "love", and it prevents me from closing this issue to the end. I understand love as perhaps the most important form of manifestation of the spiritual hopelessness and meaninglessness of everything (in the broad sense), taken (in the narrow sense) as a recognition of this hopelessness and necessity in a particular person, deed, idea, image. And, if you narrow it down further, then you can reduce it to a specific person and even to a romantic understanding of your feelings for a specific person. I am almost sure that in my life I once loved a person in this sense (and I probably still do, but it doesn’t matter), and once again I was carried away in a sense very close to the one described. And if I try to somehow analyze this phenomenon, I see that despite everything that it is decomposed into: reasons, grounds, some conditions in society and in ourselves, complexes, fears, desires - in other words, objective things that explain the appearance of this particular feeling for this particular person - with all this, there is necessarily some area of ​​​​mystery in him. I mean that zone in which nothing can be explained and understood, in which, if desired, one can find some kind of “signs”, “destiny”, anything; but which serves as the main proof that this feeling is not just the fulfillment of a social role and the resolution of physical attraction, but something related to the fact that there is meaning, beauty and truth in the world order. If at all in simple words, then I am sure that we love not for something, not for wisdom and attractiveness, but just like that.
And it can't be beautiful. From here, from this secret zone, while capturing the obvious ones, a powerful layer of culture and the family principle grows, from here comes the purification of low affects, faith, and so on. But for me, from this understanding it follows that every person can (and even should) be at least a little loved somewhere, that's it, no matter how terrible it sounds in Bridget Jones, the way he is, or, better, the way he is. , what is the naturally beautiful grain of human nature, soul, nature, consciousness, God, embedded in it - you can call it whatever you like. Only, of course, ordinary people they do not rush to each other under the influence of mystical insight - times and customs are a bit wrong for this. It seems to me that this simple and almost low thing, which can be called the combination of “search for a partner”, is an inevitable etiquette and semantic component of any level of human relationships. Here, probably, this endless ideological prologue ends and the presentation of the essence of the problem begins.
I have a very short, but rather strange, probably, history of the “personal front” - only some kind of guerrilla-sabotage military operations take place on it. It starts with me bulky, not very neat and boyish at the age of 14, when for some reason my kind and almost best friend, who was at the same time the father of my yard friend and, accordingly, I was almost three and a half times older. It was very scary, very painful and very insulting. It was very strongly imprinted in my head: April five years ago, I am writing SMS from the unblessed Yelabuga from the Literature Olympiad, complaining about the poorly written second round and suddenly I understand that he cannot and does not want to understand that I can do something do it wrong and lose. Although he was always the most understanding, the best adviser and best able to appreciate what I do. Then this incomprehensibility is very quickly and very frighteningly resolved, I try to somehow explain something, nothing comes out to make it easier, I write something very hysterical in response, stop the conversation, somehow add the third round in a skewed manner and four days later I’m at home I receive a letter on the computer that everything is over and I don’t need to worry about anything, but I myself made a choice. We never spoke again, and for a very long time this feeling of a slight curse from his last words did not go away for me, although all this, of course, is completely unnecessary mysticism. I probably tremble too much with my inner world, but I still consider it healed, but a trauma that no one needs at this time of life. I understand that something must be my own fault, but I just can’t figure out what. And no, there could hardly be any of the harmful physiological passions, because by that age I could no longer even approximately fit the image of a bait for a pedophile.
This is where my story almost ends. Then the whole period, which seems to be usually considered growing up, passed completely empty, apart from a few incidents, now very funny and stupid, but at that time quite unpleasant and painful. It’s not that I attract perverts, I probably just live in Russia, go to the cinema alone and use suburban transport, but why me - devoid of any feminine forms, dressed in a shirt and jeans, modestly, maybe a little absent-mindedly behaving - some strange personalities tried several times either to feel in the cinema, or to make happy in an empty train with the spectacle of their, excuse me, erect penis - my understanding is still inaccessible. Or am I just trying to live in a world of pink elephants and this is an inevitable and common evil? Again: I let it go very quickly and try not to take it close, especially since I have a good stress reaction and in general such situations have never carried any real threat; but after them, there inevitably remains a feeling of some general trampling and humiliation - as if the feminine in me is so pitiful and unpretentious, as if I can so count on no one's protection and no one's attention (even if this is true) that you can and should just wipe your feet on me, without fear of anything and without thinking about anything, satisfy your need and move on. This sounds very funny, but here all the signs of attention shown to me as a woman by men as men until recently are exhausted. No one ever gave me flowers and did not make compliments in the most banal and empty sense of the word, did not speak to me in company and did not show any interest; I understand that this is a stupid complaint that there are many such girls; please do not look at this as solely self-pity (although there is something to hide here, but not in that proportion), but, at least a little, as a desire to understand or learn from other people how these mechanisms work and how these mechanisms are determined generally.
Then, some time ago, one of my former short-lived classmates suddenly looked into my life and soon told me that he thought he was in love with me. He had a very funny motivation for this feeling (I’m not joking and I’m not distorting, almost in plain text): “I’m very lonely, I don’t even have a cat, and you have always been the most modest and inconspicuous in the class, didn’t fit into the crowd of painted girls with expensive gadgets (and this classmate of mine terribly dislikes all manifestations of such, as they say now, “majorism”, “hipsterism”, etc.; I just can’t understand why they cause such aggression in him) and (attention!) is the best studied and performed public duties. It was not exactly unpleasant for me, but somehow sad and funny to listen to this, then I quite sincerely constructed (I’m ashamed of the banality, but I could hardly have managed otherwise) an explanation like “it’s not about you”, and our relationship peacefully switched to the mode the standard friend zone, which I would very much like to avoid, but a classmate welcomed her, motivating this, again, with his deep loneliness and the absence of any obligations between us (which is very strange to me, because in this situation I feel some kind of obligation, for that matter), as well as the fact that “it would be a real friend zone if you had a boyfriend, but you don’t have one and didn’t have it, right?” He is a very sweet and good young man, but I really have no feelings for him other than friendship. And the slight shock that his congratulations on the social network on the evening of February 14 cause in me, “I see that no one congratulated you, so Happy Valentine’s Day,” somehow prevents the formation of these very different feelings.
I'm afraid to repeat my mother's story. She also did not enjoy special male attention, but there was still some, and when I was 16 years old, she was very worried that I was so ugly and no one was looking at me. She got married about thirty and without special feelings, dad is almost 10 years older than her. Over time, their relationship only deteriorated, and now they almost hate each other and regularly make terrible scandals with insults and assault, but they cannot get a divorce, because they feel sorry for sharing an apartment. I am very afraid that someday, at the same age, the thirst for human warmth and being needed will overpower my common sense, and I will run after the first one who will show any interest in me, completely without thinking about the consequences. I don't want to be as unhappy as my mom.
Probably the most natural and correct answer to this endlessly long text would be to become more open and friendly, not to think about any “relationships” and “attractions” and just try to give people at least a little light. I am not very sociable; when my mother and I fight a lot, she always says that I have no friends and interests (which is not true) and that there is nothing to love me for (which is most likely true, but hardly entirely my fault). I am, to put it mildly, not an expert in sociability, but I have friends. In this regard, I suffer from some self-doubt, and for some periods it seems to me that if I don’t contact anyone, call or write to anyone, then no one will ever remember me and regret it. But in this regard, my willpower is not very developed, and I continue to call and write, amuse myself with the fact that it seems that all of us are more or less well and interesting, and that they are surprisingly beautiful, and my society, maybe not at all. meaningless.
Please forgive me for the length of the text. Even if no one answers me, it still turned out to be useful as some form of active therapy. But if you are somehow interested in the problem about a fatally unattractive girl, I will gladly listen to you and answer your questions, and accept any constructive criticism of my views and actions. I'm a little confused, and I don't know how much of a problem this is; I know that sometimes I am desperately lonely and want to be at least a little vital and close to someone, but what if the person I need barely finds time to answer a letter once a month? I do not want to believe that I am really very bad; being average is pathetic and stupid, but it's not a crime... or does it inevitably doom you to loneliness? Or do you need to “take what they give” and cost what you get out of it, just to try, as it happens? But what if, as it seems to me, they do not give it, but throw it as a handout?

1. I am a very patient person.
I am waiting for the most beautiful thing that should happen in my life. I am not one of those who are in a hurry, because I believe that everything will be in its time. And I'm preparing myself for this moment. I am learning to love myself unconditionally so that later I can fully give the same love to another person.

2. I am not pressured by society.
Most of my friends have had a boyfriend at least once in their lives. Some people are always looking for someone. One even told me: “You are already 20 - it’s time for you to find someone for yourself!”. But I think I still have plenty of time, no matter what people say. Plus, I don't believe that love is something to be found. She finds us.

3. I need sincere and unconditional love.
I do not need fake love and fake relationships. I need sincerity. I don't want to be in a relationship, just to be in a relationship. I want to be happy and with one person.

4. I think too much.
Usually, when someone expresses their feelings for me, I worry that this is just a hobby, passion, love. Something temporary. Even if a guy keeps telling me over and over that I'm special to him, I don't feel his sincerity. Maybe I don't trust people. And in the end, these guys get tired and stop trying to get me.

5. I have too high expectations of what love should be.
I admit that I may have an unrealistic idea of ​​what love should be. And every feeling I compare with this ideal in my head.

6. Guys are afraid of me.
They are afraid of my mind. I'm not boasting - that's what my friends say. I have an average IQ, but apparently my communication style is a little intimidating for guys who want something simpler.

7. I love my family too much.
My parents believed that I should not be distracted by guys until I graduated from university. And while they weren't too strict about it, I have too much respect for them to follow that unspoken rule.

8. I get told all the time about how great the single life is.
Most of the time, parents talk about it. They constantly remind me to enjoy my life first, because in a relationship I can no longer think only about myself.

9. I don't want to waste other people's time.
If a guy shares his feelings with me, but I see no prospects, I immediately tell him that it is better to remain friends. Some will say it's rude, but I think it's right. I want to be honest and not make a person wait for me and waste their time.

10. I don't worry about the future, but I think about it all the time.
I can't help myself, but when I meet a guy, I immediately think about what kind of couple we can become and what our children will be like. I can't live in the present moment. And that’s why most often I just refuse any relationship at all.

11. I want to be with someone I feel comfortable with.
I think this is the most important. After all, I have to spend the rest of my life with this person, and if I am not comfortable with him now, then how will something come of this relationship?

12. I have my own goals.
I have my plans and motivation. And if a person clearly prevents me from achieving them, then I don’t even consider him as an option for a relationship.

13. I am a very busy person.
In connection with the previous point, I have a very tight schedule. In addition to my goals, my priority is family, friends, so there is little left for relationships. And for me to set aside time for someone else, it must be a truly very important person.

14. I take relationships too seriously.
I don't want to be in a relationship just out of boredom. I want this because I am ready and want to be with a specific person.

15. I already love myself too much.
It took me many years to love myself. And if some guy tries to destroy my self-esteem, then I will not allow it. I don't need someone to break my heart. I need someone to make me love myself even more.

16. I used to keep everything to myself.
I don't share my feelings with someone I don't trust, and it's hard for me to trust anyone.

17. It seems to me that it is difficult to love me.
I believe in it so much that when a guy confesses his love to me, I doubt his sincerity and push him away.

18. When I ask someone about their love story, they tell me about broken hearts.
And it scares me. Seems like every great love story ends broken hearted. And I don't want that.

19. I trust other people's opinions too much.
If my friends or family do not like my potential boyfriend, then he has no chance, because I believe them. I, too, begin to see him the way they see him.

20. I waited too long.
I've waited too long for that special person, so when someone shows up, I keep doubting they're the one. I keep waiting. The main thing is to wait.

I'm 23 and have never had a romantic relationship. Okay, I'm almost 23. But what, in fact, decides a couple of months?

I am a college graduate working full time. My position doesn't even come close to my field of study, but come to think of it, isn't that the case with all jobs? Also, I'm always alone.

In all my life I have never had serious relationship. Of course, I've flirted with casual acquaintances, gone on terrible "blind dates", and even tried dating sites (no, I'm not talking about Tinder, although I admit that I can turn to it in a pinch). However, I can't find someone I'm truly interested in (and vice versa) for more than one date. I'm at a dead end.

At the moment, no one can tell me anything that I have not already heard from others, or have not repeated to myself a thousand times. I also have family and friends trying to support me, like, "Oh honey, guys are just afraid to talk to you" or "You're just falling for the wrong guys."

And there are also people who are mistaken (albeit wishing well) who say: “I don’t understand why you are alone. You would make a great girl." I try my best not to show it, although everything inside me screams: “God, I didn’t even think about a million reasons why I’m alone. Thank you for pointing them out."

Of course, you can not do without evil commentators. I must admit that most of them are evil voices in my head. They say, "It's because you're ugly and fat," or "You're too irritable for anyone to want to spend a little time with you."
For years I tried to find the answer to the question “What is wrong with me?” I couldn’t get over the idea why I didn’t have a boyfriend at 17, at 18, and now at 23. There must be something repulsive in behavior or in character, because of which no one from the opposite sex wants to be around with me.

But I was asking the wrong questions. Everything is fine with me. And so it has always been. I'm lonely for a reason. Maybe I have not yet identified this cause, but I will not stop looking for it.

I am independent. I've always been like this, so I don't need a relationship to survive. Would it be nice to have someone by my side when I feel lonely? Undoubtedly. But when - and exactly "when" and not "if" - I find someone, I will know for sure that I will stay with him, because I want him to be with me, in my life, and not to be "somebody".

This is the most important thing for me and others like me. We are comfortable and enough that we are alone, because we need it. But the truth is, I haven't met many people like me. I can hardly think of one or two people who have spent just as long without hope for their chosen one. I know there are a lot of them, I just haven't seen them.

Then I thought: “Why not talk about it?” I never talked about the small group of men and women who think they are not worthy of love. Why not change the fact that they are only talked about to ridicule, and not to tell how these people feel? Why not help those who feel they are alone?

And here I am writing about it, looking at the rain outside the window. I hope my words will find someone and convince him or her that they are not alone. Even though society tries to convince us that we are strange and makes us look for the reason in ourselves, I want to make it clear to these people that this is not so.
Just know that there is something good ahead. Maybe loneliness will save you from a terrible breakup. Maybe your love is not yet ready to meet you. Or maybe you should follow your dream wherever it leads.

You are a sweet and pretty girl. With height and weight, everything is fine too) Asian appearance is your "highlight")))
Mom is just worried about you. You calm her down and tell her that today and at 30 years old is not yet an "old maid")))
But you are wrong about falling in love and schoolgirls) After all, everything starts with mutual sympathy, then falling in love, and then, as it turns out, will it all grow into love or not.
Create in your imagination your image of the man you would like to see next to you. Appearance, character traits, etc.
You must understand what you want and what you will not allow in your relationship. While you have no one, you have a great opportunity to work on yourself. Become more confident. This should not depend on the number of fans, etc. It should be inside you, as a core, as your support. Become more self-sufficient. Let you have your own hobbies, hobbies. friends, so that later you don’t sit and wait for Him to call or return from a party with friends. Do you understand?))) You are still ahead .Do not regret school dates. Do not regret anything at all. The fact that we alone seem cold or unapproachable depends on the type of personality, character, temperament, etc. All people are different. But the problem is, to meet "your" person. Your soul mate. Who will not have to explain and prove everything. Or the one who will look at you from the bottom up and accept you as you are and love your dissimilarity and mystery.
Try to change your image and style a little. Add femininity and softness. Get ready internally and externally ... And everything will definitely happen.

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