Break up after 10 years of marriage. Divorce after years of marriage

It's one thing when you break up after 3 months, and completely different after 10 years. In the first case, in a couple of weeks you will definitely be fine, but in the second it seems that the whole world has turned upside down, and life will never be the same. We have selected 12 effective life hacks that will help you survive a breakup after a very long time.

1. Let the feelings cool down. Once everything happened, it is difficult to control yourself. You just want to attract attention and get a portion of comforting advice. But the best way out is to stop and breathe. Do not write angry posts on social networks and do not call friends: just give yourself time to cool down. In a fit of hatred and aggression, you can say a lot of unpleasant things for which you will be ashamed.
2. Put a point. Do not think that after a long relationship you will not have to share property. You just need a last conversation in which you will discuss everything, and try to stay on friendly terms. This will make it much easier for you to get over the breakup. Plus, you can agree on who the pets will move in with, and how you will divide the “jointly acquired”.
3. No nostalgia. Here is the same framed photograph that takes you to “that happy day”, here is the jewelry he gave, here is “the same song” on the radio. If you don't stop treating every single thing in the house like this, you'll just go crazy. Put all the gifts in a box and put as far away as possible in the closet. Technique may be an exception: but get rid of it if you wish.
4. One day rule. If you still need a day of nostalgia, do not deny yourself this. Take a day off from work, turn off your phones, stock up on handkerchiefs, and start your day of saying goodbye to past relationships. Cry, watch sad movies, listen to "your" songs, look at photo albums. But all this is just one day. And not a minute more. Then go back to point #3.
5. Let go of prejudice. Allow what was previously not allowed: for example, some kind of extreme hobby or a banal trip to a nightclub. Now no one will tell you what dress to wear and which of your girlfriends to be friends with or not to be friends with. And now only you decide how to spend the weekend or weekday evening. There is nothing wrong with your young man caring and worrying about you, just now you can enjoy independence.
6. Have a reset day. Surely by the third week after breaking up, you have brought yourself to the extreme stage of apathy: you don’t want anything, you want to lie down and cry. Take advantage of this mood, but for peaceful and productive purposes. Get up at lunchtime, cook a delicious meal, sit on the couch with a cool book or series of books, and turn off your head. By the evening, you will surely go into the experiences of the heroes and forget about your own.
7. Write a letter to your ex. Feel free to express yourself, you will never send this letter to him. Write everything: about how bad he is, and about how you miss him, and about what is in your heart right now. After such psychotherapy, it remains only to burn the letter, and with it all the feelings that have appeared in your soul. Just do not re-read what you wrote! Otherwise, the entire therapeutic effect will go down the drain.
8. Start living. It seems to you that you are the most miserable person on the planet, but try to look at the situation from a different angle - you have time that you can devote to yourself and only yourself. For example, go to another city or country for the weekend, rent an apartment or the best hotel and just relax by turning off your phone.
9. Be free from public opinion. Don't try to keep track of your ex's new crushes. Nothing good for you, believe me, it will not end. And don't insult him on social media: be human. You need to get rid of the negative, and not cultivate it in yourself. You will not get any satisfaction from the conversation “the fool himself”, but there is a risk of earning a nervous breakdown.
10. Be honest with loved ones. Tell your relatives and friends about what happened: it is better for them to find out the truth from you than to guess. This is especially true when you have a common company. No need to win anyone over to your side - over time, you will be able to communicate in a common team if you want to. Do not give friends ultimatums - they are not to blame for your breakup and love you both.
11. Change your image. Go to a beauty salon and radically change yourself. Do you want to dye your hair blonde? Dare! Do you want a new trendy haircut? No problem! Even if you change your mind later, it's just hair that will grow back. Just do what you've always wanted to do. A new image always gives strength, so this trip is also a kind of therapy.
12. Go on a date. Even if it seems to you that all the men around you are just losers, unworthy of paying attention to them. Even if you "only need him." Nobody talks about anything serious, but a little flirting won't hurt you. This will help to believe in yourself and in your own attractiveness, which will significantly increase self-esteem.
13. Be active. Plan all your free time literally by hours and minutes! Movie premiere, exhibition opening, street food festival, out of town trip, new club or a restaurant, shopping with a girlfriend, meeting new people. You shouldn't have a moment to just lie on the couch. Spend all your time with hobbies and hobbies. Thus, you will get out of a protracted depression much faster - there will simply be no time for suffering!

In films about love, as a rule, there is a happy ending: a man and a woman overcome all the obstacles in the way of their relationship, after the wedding, tears of joy, a trip to a hot country and the birth of children. How is it happening in real life? Is it possible to live happily ever after not only in the movies? So, behind 10 years of marriage, and experienced spouses can draw certain conclusions.

1. Marriage is not an everyday joy.

Life with a spouse cannot be a constant holiday. Anything happens: resentment, anger, ailments, serious illnesses, nervous breakdowns, various kinds of troubles, fatigue from work and other difficulties. Sometimes there are serious fights. The main thing is whether the spouses will be able to treat the listed situations wisely and resolve them without harmful consequences for the relationship.

2. Passion subsides.

It is not love that passes, but vivid emotions that used to bring so much joy or, conversely, trouble. There were tears, the inability to be without each other for a minute, suffering. And now it should be just fine without screams, reproaches, loud slamming of the door with the words “I’ll live with my mother”, sleepless nights after the tantrum.

Stability is also important. You can be confident in your spouse and be able to predict his actions. This does not mean at all that from now on relationships are mortal boredom.

And the family should be calm. Returning home, you want to be sure that everything is fine there, and your loved one is waiting and will never offend.

3. Social equality is not an empty phrase.

In fairy tales, write whatever your heart desires. However, often unequal marriages end in a breakup. At first, love and passion bring people closer to each other. And then, after a few years life together, all the pitfalls come to the surface: differences in upbringing and education, attitudes towards the world around us and life in general, love for children and work, the ability to earn and spend money.

4. Husband and wife must constantly develop.

It is bad to be a ballast for a spouse. There is nothing worse than a wife mired in diapers or a husband sitting every day at computer games.

In no case can one stop at what has been achieved in life. If the spouse wants to develop (even if not in what you would like), then it’s better not to interfere, but engage in self-education. The one who hinders growth is always abandoned.

5. Accept your partner for who they are.

You can hate some of your spouse's habits and argue over some issues if your opinions differ. But you can not try to remake it to your standards. Each other must be accepted at a deep level, despite some of the partner’s shortcomings that lie on the surface.

6. Do not dissolve in the family.

You cannot make children and husband the meaning of your existence. By betraying yourself and living only by the interests and desires of your loved ones, you can turn into an uninteresting woman fixated on the house, who will become a burden for her husband and quickly get bored. You need to be a versatile person with whom a man wants to discuss everything in the world.

7. You can not keep a person near you by force.

Yes, now you are together and need each other. But do not forget that both of you are free people with the right to better life for myself. Live with the knowledge that if your spouse suddenly wants to leave, this is quite normal. There will be experiences and perhaps tears, but nothing catastrophic will happen. Forget phrases from romantic movies and romance novels like "we die one day."

8. Everyone is entitled to something personal.

It can be money, time, space. You can't force your husband to go shopping with you. But you should not go fishing if it does not bring any joy.

Go to yoga classes, read books, walk in your favorite park. But the husband can also go fishing, visit a bar with friends. Everyone should be happy, everyone should be fine.

Money is a separate issue. Each spouse may have personal finances that they are not required to report. You are not going to ask your spouse for money for a pack of gum, because it is so humiliating.

9. A pet is the key to a happy family relationship.

A warm-blooded pet that can be hugged, stroked, fed, will bring only positive moments to family life. It does not matter at all what kind of animal you have: a cat, a dog, a guinea pig or a Djungarian hamster. Joint care for a living being and the joy of the warmth it radiates will help bring spouses closer.

People with different temperaments can hardly get along together. If you are a person who loves outdoor activities and travel, and your spouse loves to lie on the couch watching TV all the time, then, unfortunately, you have practically no chance of a long harmonious marriage. The characters do not have to be identical at all, but the complete opposite of temperaments will destroy the relationship.

11. Over time, sex fades into the background.

After ten years of marriage, sex is no longer so passionate. And the emotions are not the same. The fulfillment of marital duty turns into a calmer and quieter process, although it used to be different. And that's okay.

It is very suspicious if a husband throws himself at you every evening with an insane desire for passion and love, and there are already more than 10 years of marriage behind him. Maybe he has a sexual addiction that requires the intervention of specialists?

12. All decisions are made jointly.

Of course, this conclusion does not apply to minor everyday issues. But there are decisions, the adoption of which requires coordination with a loved one. These are significant purchases, planning a family vacation, the desire to have children, purchasing a car and other important things.

You need to be able to compromise with a partner and leave each other the right to choose. The main thing is to love, trust, help, be tolerant and cope with all the difficulties that arise on a joint path with dignity.

Everything is like people have: home, husband, family, work. Outwardly, everything is fine, but there is no happiness. Women tend to accumulate resentment and endure, in the hope that the partner will understand everything himself. And then comes the realization that this will never happen. Divorce, which I so wanted to avoid, now seems to be the only right decision.

Many "good girls" family life unfolds in a very similar scenario.

Why good girls get divorced at 30

In disputes, the husband increasingly says: “It was all right, what is wrong now?” And a lot is wrong. And not everything was fine.

Almost all my girlfriends are "good girls". They obeyed their mother, teacher, piano teacher and studied for 4 and 5. Then they entered the institute, graduated with honors. One by one they got married. Because after the institute it would be time to get married. They all gave birth immediately. Because "a child is happiness" and that's it.

It's been 10-15 years. It was getting dark. Divorces have begun.

Discussing the past years, the accumulated grievances and difficulties, we found out many very similar details. Despite the fact that people and circumstances are completely different.

The first years, and sometimes the first decade of their life together, were not remembered by anything. Generally. Something happened, of course. A child, a house, new recipes, her mother-in-law's dacha... But a woman can't remember anything specifically about herself. All revelations, incidents, victories and defeats were related to the house, to the child, to the husband - just not to the woman herself. She adapted to new circumstances and took a new exam every day. It is as if, remembering school, we could remember nothing but the formula for aluminum carbonate or rivers in Africa.

Relations between spouses in almost everything went according to this scheme: he lives, she adapts. It's amazing, but young, smart and beautiful girls did not feel at all own borders. There were no agreements and grindings between the spouses, because the wife accepted everything at once. Sometimes there were attempts to repeat the model of an authoritarian mother or a harsh grandmother, but they crashed into a monstrous scandal, after which the young wife did not open her mouth. She only took all family failures personally. She took responsibility for everything and purposefully, like Mario from computer game, jumped over all the bumps and dangerous moments.

For the first 5-8 years, the wife tried to "be wise." I tried not to argue, various (not shunning manipulative) techniques achieved some of my goals ... After all, the main thing is for a man to feel like a man! So that he does not even understand that it was she who wanted, and not he himself decided so. I look at family albums of those years and see a very diligent young woman who has perfect order, a child in lace sits in her arms, next to her is a calm, slightly distant husband ... Clippings with recipes from the Liza magazine, magnets on the refrigerator, in the corner of the hula -hoop.

And at night we called each other and cried, because it was lonely within four walls, it was difficult with my husband, and anxious with a child. But still they coped with the load, because “it’s necessary”.

After a while, the woman returns to work. A good girl cannot just go back to work - she does everything there for five. He plunges headlong into work projects, constantly discusses work tasks and problems at home, devotes less time to family and household. The husband is not used to this and begins to get angry: “Why do you need this? I would sit better at home took care of the children." What follows is a long, tedious argument lasting several years. In which an excellent student, having organized a child and life, fights for the right to be a successful woman.

The Cold War is coming. There is no former idyll, relations are spoiled by eternal mutual discontent. A woman understands that these rules, by which she lived for years, are not her rules. That everything would have to be agreed upon on the shore. But good girls do not dictate their rules to anyone. They do what they are told. And now deploying this train is a task in a million.

In disputes, the husband increasingly says: “It was all right, what is wrong now?” And a lot is wrong. And not everything was fine. That is, we are changing, and in the relationship it would be necessary to change something. But for these changes, the eternal readiness of a good girl to do everything for the top five is no longer enough. Both spouses often say words that are then difficult to forget. And sometimes they do things that are not so easily forgiven.

The husband sees his wife with different eyes. Every good girl must have, when she suddenly begins to achieve some success in work, creativity or in a hobby, there is a period when her husband suddenly begins to look at her with different eyes. And he himself acts as the initiator of rapprochement. But for some reason, all his attempts seem so pitiful, so insignificant against the background of the past years. Yes, and it seems to him that full-fledged courtship of his own wife is somehow wild. But taking out the trash in the morning is okay, he can make such a sacrifice. Or take her to a nice hotel for the weekend...

And suddenly the woman sees that the family responsibilities of the spouses are divided into two unequal columns - his salary and her everything else. That everything - from washing to vacations, from childhood problems to installing a new washing machine - is on it. Because after a long-term decree, they do not immediately hire a job with a high salary, which means that while the husband earns a living, she does everything else. And this is a million small and large tasks that need to be solved daily. And next to her husband is a neighbor who makes fun of how she clumsily glues wallpaper. And here, like it or not, the question arises. If suddenly you have a highly paid job, why do you need a husband?

Now my girlfriends are incredible beautiful women over 30. True, they are beautiful - I rarely see such people even in the movies. They have stability in their work, a lot of ideas and plans, the child grows up ... But if we are talking about the personal, then the conversation most often does not go at all. Or it comes down to not very pleasant memories. Such a man as she had for many years is not needed. And there never were others. A good girl has a chief boss, a teacher and a mother - she herself. And she herself simply avoids unnecessary and leading to nothing stress.

These are rather prosperous stories of generally prosperous people. All of them were looking for something, they lost something, they will find something else and rethink their lives.

But I keep thinking, why is that? Of course, just out of female solidarity, I have a lot of questions for the husbands from these stories. But I also see that it is impossible to hang on them alone the responsibility for the failed family. If a man is given something regularly and resignedly, he gets used to it and takes it for granted. And after many years, when he hears that it was not out of pure altruism, but he wanted some return, he is surprised. “Yes, once you said something like that, but in a whisper. Hinted, but I did not understand. I cried, but I thought it was just PMS.” Women cry and then shut up. And when, after many years, they remind you what a blow it is for a man! If he hears her at all, he will remember all this, and not accuse him of an invented plot.

How can we not be afraid to talk about how you feel? To insist on your own from childhood, from youth?

How can we learn how to talk to each other so that we can be heard? Maybe the text of marriage vows should include special cherished words that will mean that the partner has reached the limit of patience and what will be said next is extremely important? For example, “I swear at the word “I’m at zero” to take her remark as seriously as possible”, or “I promise at the word “Hiroshima” to immediately stop the conversation, action, quarrel and remember her eyes under the veil” ...