Child bullying in kindergarten. Mistakes of parents that increase the persecution of the child in the children's team

In recent posts, the topic of persecution of children in the children's team is actively discussed. Anyone who has spent at least some time among children who are forced to be together in the same room under the pressure of external circumstances knows that such a topic exists. Within this "collective willy-nilly" a certain hierarchy is built up very quickly. But since children are in many ways still animals living by instincts, the hierarchy in their team is built the same as in the animal world.

That is, there are three groups in the team:

1. alpha - leaders-leaders, whose authority is proven by force,
2. beta - middle peasants, among which two subgroups are distinguished:
   1. close to the body - those who are in the closest circle of the alpha leader
   2. other
3. omega - the group with the lowest social status. The so-called "scapegoats" who are hounded and humiliated by everyone - thereby raising their own status.

The saddest thing for parents is to find out that their beloved child, whom everyone loves and cherishes at home, at school suddenly finds himself in this third group of children who are bullied by everyone.

Lyudmila Petranovskaya, whose blog I have already mentioned, just became such a parent. She tried a lot to turn this situation around, and as a result, from her bitter experience, she formulated 7 typical mistakes that parents make when trying to correct this situation of bullying their child.

Knowing that this does not work, she calls on parents to take more active steps, or rather, to open conflict with the school administration and all interested parties. Since only this way in this situation is the most effective.

So, under the cut, 7 typical mistakes

To begin with, about what, as it seems to me, leads adults who are trying to cope with bullying in a children's group to a dead end. ABOUT common mistakes, misguided beliefs and strategies that often lead to bullying being mothballed or even exacerbated.

1. Wait for it to go away on its own.

It just doesn't go away. In children before adolescence - exactly, later there is a small chance. If there are enough authoritative children in the group (not necessarily leaders) who suddenly see this situation differently and decide to declare their vision. It may not stop bullying completely, but it can greatly reduce bullying. I've seen this happen a few times, and I've been a part of it myself.

In our class, a boy from a not very prosperous family was heavily bullied, very cruelly, he was considered "stinky" (he had enuresis, as I now understand). They beat me, called me names, took away the portfolio, in general, in full. It was always a pity for him, but it was perceived as a given, an inevitability - after all, "he is like that." Teachers also mostly tried to put pressure on pity, which did not improve things. And then, in the 6th grade, the realization suddenly dawned on me that this was not possible. That it is simply impossible and that's it, no matter what it is. The feeling of coldness between the shoulder blades from 30 glances when I walk through the entire class and sit next to him (NOBODY and NEVER voluntarily sat in this place), I will not forget all my life. And a whisper "With the stink of the village! She stinks!". All in all, it was almost social suicide on my part. But inside there was this new feeling, and there was no choice. As I would now call it, morality has hatched. Just at 12. And nothing happened. They were surprised and accepted as a fact. Apparently, morality began not only to erupt in me, the children were smart. And then the boy came to my house, I pulled him up in Russian, he turned out to be very interesting, polite and read a lot. Somehow it became quieter soon with the persecution. They did not love him, of course, but offended him less.

But up to 12 with their own morality in children is rather weak (the brain has not yet matured). And adults are obliged to ask them moral guidelines. Children at this age are very ready to hear and accept them. And vice versa, in a teenage group, an adult may not be able to cope if there has already developed, so to speak, "antimoral". At least it will be much more difficult for him.

2. Justify by explaining

Explanations why bullying occurs - a cart and a small cart. Here are the need for age, and the pressure of a closed system (school, prison, army), and group hierarchy (alpha-omega), and personal characteristics of children (for example, the experience of violence that led to victimization or aggressiveness). All this is very important and interesting, and certainly worth studying and understanding.

But. If the conclusion is drawn from all this: “so what do you want, there are so many reasons why they poison you,” this is justifying, explaining. Bullying in a particular class, from which specific children are suffering right now, is not a matter of scientific research, it is a matter of morality and human rights. From this point of view, do not care who is what letter. Whether you are at least three times alpha, whether he is at least a hundred times strange and "not like that", don't you dare poison!

If there is no such firm conviction in the head of an adult, and he, in ecstasy of his own insight, "analyzes the reasons", instead of giving a certain assessment and making demands, he will not be able to stop the persecution. It just happened in our case, when the teacher gave examples to all my conversations of how children who are being bullied differ from other children in the class, and that’s why, they say. And I did not have the firmness to clearly articulate that all this is very interesting and, perhaps, true, only it has nothing to do with the issue of ensuring the psychological safety of children in the class entrusted to her. And when she resorted to her favorite move, "No, but tell me, do you mean that you completely remove responsibility for this situation from your child?" I should have said for a long time: “Absolutely. She didn’t beat anyone or poison anyone, but she shouldn’t be like everyone else.”

In addition, the causes are often so global that it is impossible to eliminate them. For example, aggression in society or violence and the closedness of the school system. Or here are the children, deprived of the love of their parents and therefore asserting themselves at the expense of others, have always been, are and will be. This does not mean that you have to endure bullying. It is necessary to set more modest goals: there is no task to change the causes, there is a task to change the BEHAVIOR of a specific group of children.

3. Confuse bullying with unpopularity.

Problem change. No one owes anyone to be loved by everyone. Not everyone can be equally popular. The essence of bullying is not that someone does not love someone. The essence of bullying is VIOLENCE. This is gang violence, emotional and/or physical. And that is the responsibility of an adult who is entrusted with a group of children. For their protection from violence.

Many children, by the way, do not need special popularity in the class, they will live without it. They may be naturally introverted, shy, or simply belong not to this randomly assembled administrative group, but to a completely different group. All they want is security. And they have every right to it.

Educators who reduce everything to unpopularity often sincerely try to fix things. They draw the attention of the group to the dignity of the victim, try to increase her rating with special assignments, etc. There were many such proposals in the comments. And this is all very nice and effective, on one condition: bullying as violence has ALREADY been stopped. Then yes, you can hang letters on the wall. If not, any and all advantages of the victim in the eyes of the group, captured by the excitement of persecution, will be instantly turned into disadvantages. Won the Olympics - "nerd". Helped someone - "sneak". He drew well - "the artist-buff-piss Levitan." Everything is like that. In a dirty atmosphere of violence, the sprouts of interest and respect will not break through. First you need to disinfect.

This mistake, by the way, is often supported by children's books and films. Like, accomplish a feat, impress everyone, and life will get better. If it's just a matter of unpopularity - maybe. If there is bullying, no. And it might even be the other way around. Once I talked with a girl who recalled with gusto how they poisoned Yana Poplavskaya in some camp for major children, who did not have VIP parents, and they gave her a ticket after the success of the movie about Little Red Riding Hood. They poisoned her "so that she knew that she was still not of our circle, although she was an artist." The girl herself looked like a rat, to be honest.

Of course, it is the victim who suffers. Those who are bullying may look very pleased with themselves right now. However, it is important to understand that everyone suffers as a result.

The victim suffers, having experienced humiliation, rejection and insecurity, self-esteem trauma, and even emotional development disorders due to long and severe stress.

Witnesses suffer, those who stood aside and pretended that nothing special was happening, and at that very time experienced powerlessness before the power of the mob and shame for their weakness, because they did not dare to intervene and supported the persecution for fear of becoming a victim themselves. There were many such experiences in the comments. This experience can sometimes be useful for a teenager who already has enough strength to make a moral choice. Examples were given of how acute shame experienced made them do something. But for a child younger age such an experience is always traumatic and destructive, shame drives him into a corner, that's all. It's like forcibly putting a child on its feet before they are strong enough. There will be a curvature of the bones.

The persecutors suffer, getting the experience of jackals in a pack, or the experience of a puppeteer, the experience of impunity, the illusion of their strength and rightness. This experience leads to coarsening of feelings, cutting off opportunities for subtle and close relationships, and ultimately to destructive, asocial personality traits. A Pyrrhic victory, which will later turn into loneliness and the position of an outcast in an adult team, where no one will be particularly afraid of such a "bully", but they will not particularly want to communicate with him. Even if he is successful and becomes a boss, there will be little happiness in his life, even if he wears a solid Prada, as you know.

Finally, this is all bad for the group as a whole, for its effectiveness, its ability to cope with difficulties. Violence is a terrible devourer of energy; the group no longer has the strength for anything else. Including for education.

So if it is not your child who is being bullied, do not think that you personally have no reason to worry. Not to mention the fact that smoldering bullying always breaks through with outbursts of real violence, as was the case with my daughter's friend. And then absolutely any - including yours - child can be "appointed" by the group to fulfill its will and "give it properly." Later he himself will not be able to explain why he became so brutalized and why he did something that was not at all characteristic of him. Well, then the options. Either he himself risks committing a serious crime, or the victim, driven to despair, will fight back and ...

It's an "it's all about what they are" approach.

Most often, one hears that the victim is "like that" (and it doesn't matter, in a negative way: stupid, ugly, conflicting, or in a positive way: gifted, non-standard, "indigo", etc.).

Anyone can become a scapegoat. It's an illusion that you have to be some kind of especially abnormal to do this. Yes, sometimes it does. And sometimes the opposite is true. And in general, whatever. Glasses (freckles), thickness (thinness), nationality, poor clothes - everything will do. Yes, there are qualities that contribute to the consolidation of this role - sensitivity, resentment, just increased vulnerability during this period. There is also a special case of victimized children who have experienced violence and thus attract attention to themselves. But in general, the reason for bullying is not in the characteristics of the victim, but in the characteristics of the GROUP. The same child can be an outcast in one group and an insider in another. Or stop being an outcast in the same short term, say, after the change of class teacher.

It also makes no sense to reduce the cause of bullying to the qualities of those who bully: they are "animals, bastards, rednecks, impudent offspring of the nouveau riche", etc. Again, of course, the role of initiators of bullying is often taken by children who are not the most prosperous internally . But their qualities alone are not enough. I have watched many times how the most notorious poisoners, accidentally finding themselves with their daughter together, for example, on an after-school program, peacefully played with her. And again, when an adult leader or the position of this leader in relation to what is happening often changes, “these bastards” change their behavior amazingly quickly, although, of course, they cannot solve their internal problems or raise their cultural level so quickly.

This mistake lies at the heart of attempts to overcome bullying through "heart-to-heart talks" or "individual work with a psychologist." Whether with a victim or with aggressors. Bullying, like any stuck in a destructive dynamic, is a disease of the group. And you have to work with the group as a whole. The same applies to attempts to "take the breasts." This may protect a particular child, but a group that has tasted "blood" will immediately choose another victim. Simply removing the victim or the instigator, reducing everything to their personal characteristics, is also not a fact that will help - the action may well continue with other performers of the main roles.

Trying to solve the problem of bullying by solving the personal problems of the actors is like trying to solve the problem of road accidents not with reasonable traffic rules and control over their implementation, but with the development of reaction speed, politeness and love for one's neighbor in each individual driver. Of course, it is also necessary to help children solve internal problems, but this is a long job and usually impossible in a situation of actual bullying. We must first stop the traumatic effect, and then treat it.

6. Press on pity

Try to explain to the aggressors how bad the victim is and call for sympathy. Won't help most of the time. It will only strengthen them in the position of a strong one who wants to execute, wants to pardon. And the victim will offend, humiliate or reinforce her helplessness. Especially if it's a boy. I wrote about this in the book "A foster child came to the class", where the story of Timur is. A very common mistake.

7. Accept the rules of the game.

This is the most important, perhaps. The mistake is to choose between victimization and aggression.

Any situation of violence provokes this choice. Or "they beat me because I'm weak, and they will always beat me." Or "they will not beat me for anything, I am strong and I will beat." Despite the apparent difference, both these positions are similar. They are both based on the same belief about how the world works. Namely: "the strong beats the weak". Therefore, if an adult identifies or pushes a child to identify with one of these positions, he thereby reinforces this picture of the world.

Pushing a child means telling him "think about what you yourself are to blame for" or "give him something to be discourteous." In both cases, the child receives such a message from an adult: “The world, you know, is arranged like this, and we have no other world for you. You can capitulate to violence, betray yourself and change as you are required to. you must be, they are strong, which means they are right. Or you can spit on your own safety (do not be afraid!), and become brutal, then you will not be touched. Another option: cut off feelings from yourself (do not pay attention!) what's going on inside.

Choose, baby!". In fact, the adult in this case identifies with bullying as a phenomenon and leaves the child alone with her. The child behind all these "Learn to build relationships" or "Give back" hears: "No one will protect you, even do not get your hopes up. Manage yourself, as you know"

Actually, it may be nothing if, again, we are dealing with a teenager who has time to gain independence and rely on himself. If before that he had enough support and if even now he is still insured against very extreme manifestations of violence, he can cope. Then, as someone rightly noted, it will be an initiation, a painful experience, but leading to development. At the same time, a teenager will be able to make his own decision about whether the world works this way or not and whether he is ready to agree with this world order. This also depends on whether he was previously presented with a different system of values ​​by adults and whether he has a rear in the family.

If the child is younger, such adult behavior deprives him of security and dooms him to premature initiation. Which yes strong child can pass, but always pays dearly for it. And the weak one breaks down. And he begins to believe that "this is how the world works." Such waves of this childish insecurity splashed in the comments to past posts ...

When I wrote that we need to go to the confrontation, that's exactly what I had in mind. Not a confrontation with specific stupid children, but a confrontation with the rules of the game according to which "the strong have the right to beat the weak." With bullying as violence, as a disease, poison, moral rust. With what shouldn't be. That cannot be justified, from which ANY child should be protected - period.

This is the same main conclusion that I have already written about. It is impossible here without confrontation, persuasion will not help, "team building" too. It’s reluctant to go into a confrontation, it’s embarrassing, there is no experience, because almost all of us ourselves have the experience of a victim and / or the experience of a persecutor, and we ourselves are torn between victimhood and aggressiveness, it’s enough to read the same comments.

Everyone in childhood had something similar: they were not friends, ignored, beaten, called names, offended. And everyone carries these memories through their whole lives and with all their hearts wants to protect their child from childhood bullying. Is it possible and how to cope in various situations of manifestation of child aggression, we dealt with the teacher-psychologist Yulia Vyacheslavovna Balsh.

More recently, such concepts as mobbing and bullying have appeared in society. All these are types of child bullying, and they concern both teenagers and schoolchildren, and children under the age of 7 years.

Mobbing is a systematically repeated hostile attitude of one or more children against a child. Bullying is a tougher concept. It refers to the pleasure that children get when they use force against a child. In other words, mockery, swearing, denunciations are mobbing, and the use of force, pulling toys out of hands, obsessive bodily contact is bullying. The words are foreign, but the phenomenon is the same. And it can occur in any preschool group. You need to be prepared for this and act correctly.

"Cry-baby, wax, shoe polish, swallowed a burnt pancake"

Verbal childish aggression - teasing, name-calling, denunciations, boycotts, situations when a child is "set up" by other children - all this is relevant for a team where the age of children is from 3 years old. And this does not mean at all that the “victim” is really not like that, because children can persecute according to the most different reasons: from boredom, from tension within the team, from the fact that the “potential victim” does not look like them, because it is new or thin, fat, with glasses, of a different nationality, without a cell phone - you can’t predict everything. Usually psychologists advise parents to explain to the child that:

• Everyone has their own flaws in appearance, but this does not prevent a person from growing up successful and happy. It helps a lot in such cases to look at photographs of famous and great people: hundreds of them were also fat or thin, wore glasses, and everyone's nationality is completely different. And they became famous and successful.
• You need to turn off emotions, react less and fight back. Not with fists, but with phrases. Variants of such win-win phrases: “It's boring ... Come up with something new”, “I'm so glad you're having fun”, “Yes, I know that you like to say that” - are given in Lyudmila Petranovskaya's book “What to do if. ..".
• Loving a child. Nothing instills confidence in a child like the love of a parent.

Yulia Vyacheslavovna Balshem, teacher-psychologist, preschool educational institution No. 17, Ivanteevka MO:

- Usually children start teasing after 3 years, but consciously name-calling by 5-6 years. The reasons are not only imitation of adults, but also attracting attention to oneself or self-affirmation, a manifestation of rebellion. Children in this way can splash out aggression, they can call names out of envy, because of hostility, for self-defense, etc. In any case, this suggests that the child is not all right.

Very often, children test the strength of newcomers in the children's team in this way. It is important for them that at the same time there are spectators who will then tell everyone about it.

How can you improve the situation in the team? We are in kindergarten we play the game “Callers” with children - we “call names” to each other in a circle, for example, vegetables: “You, Masha, radish!”, “And you, Petya, cabbage!” Children laugh, negative energy is translated into a positive channel. Then we usually say compliments to each other: “You, Olya, are a rose!” etc. This game helps to remove children's verbal aggression, throw out anger in an acceptable form.

So that your child does not become a verbal aggressor, it is important to take care of yourself at home, your speech, remember that children are our mirror. Often adults do not notice how they show intolerance to the characteristics of other people, use swear words in their speech. It may seem to them that the child does not hear or does not yet understand what is being said, but meanwhile he grasps everything on the fly and then demonstrates it in the children's team. Teach your child to be patient with the peculiarities of other people, read fairy tales, there is a lot of folk wisdom. Therapeutic stories are especially useful.

He beats me!

Another type of child bullying is aggression, when a child is pushed, tripped, toys taken away, beaten. And usually the aggressors are children who are self-confident, prone to dominating and subjugating others, strong morally and physically, and the victims are, on the contrary, guys who are insecure, sensitive to stress, unable to resist and unable to stand up for themselves.

Parents in such situations behave differently: someone teaches to give change, someone runs to deal with the offender himself or his parents, and someone complains to educators or heads if the conflict occurs in kindergarten.

Julia Vyacheslavovna Balshem:

- If your child is offended in the garden, then it is best to contact a teacher or psychologist, try to sort out the situation. You can play with your child in kindergarten, play out several situations with the help of toys when naughty "kids" are naughty. How does the teacher act in this case? What are the other kids doing? And if the teddy bear offends the bunny, pushes him, takes away toys and fights? How does this happen? What should a bunny do? Watch your child's reactions while playing.

You should not arrange a showdown with children, trying to protect your child. This can only be done as a last resort. There is no need to scold the child and force him to fight back: if he could do it, he would have done it long ago.

Showdowns with parents are also ineffective - in our kindergarten there was a case of such a showdown between two dads, which ended in a fight between them. You need to teach your child to communicate, to find a compromise.

Let's assume this option: to teach a child to give change, but only if he was hit. Explain, for example, like this: “If you are hit, then you can hit back. In other situations, do not show your aggression in any way! Please note, since preschoolers have poorly developed arbitrariness, they cannot calculate the force of impact and determine the consequences of actions.

No one is friends with me...

Being an outcast in a team means also being subjected to child harassment. After all, this is a real tragedy for the child, and for parents - a problem. I just want to protect my child, help him, protect him from loneliness. In this case, it is important:

• Collect information about the situation in the group. This can be done by talking with the baby himself, with the teacher, with other parents.
• Play the conflict at home. This can be done with the help of puppet theater. Play a home performance and teach the baby to choose the right words and act correctly.
• Let the baby communicate more. Go to visit with your child, invite his peers home. It is very important for a child to learn how to communicate.

Julia Vyacheslavovna Balshem:

- If the child does not want to play, perhaps the problem is in the child. If similar problems arise in different teams, parents notice that it is difficult for the baby to contact with children, then you should contact a psychologist. Often children do not know how to communicate, they do not have developed social and communication skills. The reasons are different - a shy child, aggressive, outwardly different from others, spoiled, speech problems, problems in the family, etc.

Recently there was a case: a boy in preparatory group categorically did not want to go to the garden. He cried, resisted (he was recently transferred to new group). It turned out that no one wants to play with him. The reasons are as follows - he was waiting for initiative from other guys, he did not show himself in any way, he was constantly gloomy and sad, passive. Children first came up with a proposal to be friends, and then they stopped. Group and individual work was carried out, and gradually everything improved.

Perhaps the teacher cannot create a friendly atmosphere in the group. The educator usually acts as an arbiter in the team, monitors unacceptable behavior. All children are waiting for the teacher's reaction. It is important that educators stop the phrases “We are not playing with you”, “I am not friends with you”, and do not encourage snitching.

Of course, there are children who do not really need company, for example, introverts. Here you need to deal with adults in each individual case.

"Kiss Me!"

Another type of child bullying is physical molestation. To squeeze in a corner, show intimate places, kiss - all this also happens with preschool children. At the same time, children themselves experience confusion, shock, and may not even be recognized by adults. And if they confess, then the adults themselves, in severe emotional stress, can break the wood: react with shouting and swearing, make a scandal and even take the child out of the children's team.

Julia Vyacheslavovna Balshem:

- Interest in the genitals of preschoolers is high, especially in children 3-4.5 years old. If this happened, parents, do not sharpen the situation in the eyes of the child, turn everything into a joke, smooth the situation (for the affected child).

It is necessary to discuss this problem only in the absence of the baby! First of all, work with the parents of the culprit.

If there is a child in the group who molests other children, the teacher should gently but persistently discourage him from such actions without dwelling on it. He should talk to parents, not leave children unattended in the toilet and in the bedroom. Usually six months pass, and interest disappears, as well as memories of this.

And there are a lot of situations of bodily harassment. It happens when a nice little girl from a prosperous family cannot sleep without masturbating. Or when a five-year-old child undresses in the bedroom and imitates sex. There was a case when one boy deliberately systematically wrote on other boys. To prevent such situations, it is very important to control accessible to the child information on TV and on the Internet. Now there is a total corruption of children. According to psychologists, every child today is subjected to so-called "non-contact" violence when watching explicit scenes in films that go on prime-time television, and simply when watching low-grade humorous programs.

So, mobbing and bullying are now common concepts in children's society. But it is in our hands, parents, teachers, to help kids cope with these problems and defeat child bullying.

Good afternoon, I'm not a teacher, but I want to ask you as a professional advice. My child is prejudiced. Unfortunately, we do not yet live in Russia, but in the DPR. And the mentality remains the same. In general, the situation: our parent committee is constantly demanding money. Not for something specific, but for the group's fund. I spoke categorically that I am ready to donate for specific needs, but just for possible expenses (we are not talking about any report), the situation is not right now. After that, parents from the family in the DS group. Committee together with the teacher discussed in front of the children how bad and greedy I am. I turned to the Head, described the situation, she promised to take action. But it only got worse. The toys that the child takes to kindergarten began to disappear, the child began to get sick often. Little nasty things began to be done in the group on purpose. The last straw was the children's matinee. The child was not dressed in a costume because they did not find him (the costume was hanging on the door of the child's locker). This was obviously done on purpose. All the children were in costumes at the party, except mine.

Our garden is small, there are only three groups - nursery, middle and senior. There is no other kindergarten nearby. We have very low salaries in connection with the hostilities, and sitting at home with a child is an unaffordable luxury. I don't know where to turn and what to do in this situation. We are unlikely to be transferred to another group, and there is no way to change the garden. Kindergarten № 325 Donetsk. DNR. Please provide wise and legal advice.
Tatyana.

Answer: It is impossible to give an unambiguous legal answer to your question, since in general it is connected with the social problem of finding the correct interaction with the parent committee, with the head of the preschool, etc., participants in preschool and other relations. In a social conflict, I have no right to give advice, because I do not have the appropriate competence and am not familiar with all the circumstances of the situation.

From a legal point of view, we can offer:

1) aggravate the conflict and try to stop the offense (unreported extortion) by writing to the supervisory authority about the extortion of the parent committee with the requirement to control its activities;

2) try to smooth out the conflict situation by:

- conducting a personal conversation with the most active (responsible) head of the parent committee about the lack of financial opportunities in the family for unplanned payments for the parent committee, about the possibility of making reduced payments, providing other (non-financial) feasible assistance to preschool educational institutions, etc .;

- formation of a negative opinion of other parents about offenses in the work of the parent committee;

- selection of information about violations of the parent committee (lack of: a document on the conditions for the activities of the parent committee, the established procedure for spending the collected funds, a report on the expenditure of the collected parental funds, not reflecting the received funds or property in the financial statements of the preschool educational institution, misuse of these funds, etc.);

— providing the collected negative information to the main team of parents and the head of the preschool educational institution in order to change the responsible persons of the parent committee.

Vladimir Korzhov, lawyer.

A somewhat crazy situation, in my opinion, but it turns out that parents can also be bullied in kindergarten.

My daughter has been going to kindergarten for two years, we adapted in a mixed group, she was there for a year. Then my husband and I decided to transfer her to another group, in which my friend was the teacher. Relations with the nanny (assistant teacher) did not work out right away and, in my opinion, it was not my fault.

On the first day, when I brought the baby to a new group, a woman approached me on the street (I didn’t know that she was an assistant teacher), and with some pressure asked: “Are you a mother?”, Pointing at my child with a look. I answered in some confusion: “Yes”, after which she simply turned around and left. A very peculiar woman.

When I found out that this was a nanny, every morning, bringing the child to the garden, I greeted her, but I did not receive an answer. I was ignored. This, of course, is not fatal, but the irritation grew. The person who spent the whole day with the children talks nicely with the parent, and when I appear, he defiantly turns around and leaves without answering the greetings. When I ask the child to say goodbye to the caregivers before leaving, the nanny stands at the door and casually says to my daughter “go, go”, like no one needs your goodbye (naturally, I took her hand, led her to the door and together we said “to goodbye”) and a lot of nuances that I don’t even want to remember ...

One day my patience ran out. In the evening I put my daughter to bed, prepared her emotionally for the garden so that she would wake up better, and during the conversation she tells me in colors and shows what is called, how the nanny gave her a cuff and pulled her pigtail. I know my child, she did not fantasize at that moment, she showed the actions, the facial expression with which all this was done, in detail. It was a bolt from the blue, it was the finish line.

The next morning I asked my husband to come with me to the garden. While he was dressing his daughter, I went into the group, closed the door behind me and called the nanny and teacher (if my husband had gone to talk, I don’t know at all how things would have ended). The teacher, as expected, answered in the spirit, my hut is on the edge, I don’t know anything, and the nanny answered my claims: “So, I shouldn’t punish her at all ?!”, to which I replied that punishing doesn’t mean beating, and expressed the hope that this would not happen again.

I decided not to bring the manager up to date, I thought that we would solve this issue in a group without taking dirty linen out of the hut. Still, these people (teacher and nanny) spend a lot of time with my child and, be that as it may, deserve respect. In vain, probably.

After that, there was a lull and now, 2 months ago, the department of education received a complaint about this nanny, someone was also not entirely satisfied with her originality. As the educators said, it was about a boy who felt uncomfortable around her with all sorts of details. The nanny was removed from her position in our group and assigned to another. A storm arose in the parental chat, everyone demanded the head of a traitor, but there were no brave ones. Our story surfaced, as I understand it, the nanny suspected me and, of course, shared her thoughts with sympathetic mothers. One of them stopped greeting me, although before that everything was fine, and at the moment she completely copies the behavior of the nanny, which I spoke about at the beginning. Again ignore.

Perhaps someone will say that I somehow provoke this myself, but with the second child in the group, everything is fine. I tried not to pay attention, but it doesn’t work, this situation reminds me of itself every day, when I bring and pick up my daughter, it undermines my nerves drop by drop. To sort things out first is to show your weakness, I know that it will be regarded that way. Perhaps in a month, when I go to work, this situation will lose its sharpness, but now it worries me a lot.

Oleg Ivanov, a psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settling Social Conflicts, comments on the situation: “Unreliable information, rumors and speculation have become the reason for a hidden conflict between you and other mothers. I am sure you yourself understand this: someone said something to someone, he passed it on to someone ... and now a boycott has been announced to you.

It is not clear why the nanny immediately began to treat you hostilely? Perhaps for the same reason (gossip, slander, omissions), hostility appeared, which she then took out on the child. And the coincidence with her dismissal, too, as it turned out, only exacerbated the problem, since it was you who began to be considered a traitor.