Obedient child without punishment: it's easier than it looks. How to make kids listen

?”, then you have come to the right place: you no longer need to read any articles, including this one. I will answer right now: “No way!”

You can't force a child to listen. You can only force them to obey, and then not for long.

The well-known German psychotherapist, the founder of Gestalt therapy, Fritz Perls (Fritz Perls) argued that there are two possibilities to influence another person: to become a “dog from above” or “a dog from below”. "Dog from above" is power, authority, orders, threats, punishments, pressure. "Dog from below" is flattery, lies, manipulation, sabotage, blackmail, tears. And when these two "dogs" come into conflict, the "dog from below" always wins. So, if you want your child to obey you, first of all stop forcing him. Stop commanding, lecturing, shaming. Here are some tips on how to replace these ineffective remedies.

How to achieve obedience

The first step is to encourage and stimulate any activity of the child, directed in the right direction. The girl is eager to wash the dishes? Be sure to allow, even if her help only gets in the way. Psychologists conducted surveys of schoolchildren from the fourth to eighth grades, finding out if they were doing any. It turned out that the percentage of children who do not help their parents is the same. But in the fourth - sixth grade many children were unhappy that they were not trusted with household chores! But in the seventh and eighth grades, there were no longer dissatisfied.

The founder of Russian psychology, Lev Semyonovich Vygotsky, developed a universal scheme for teaching a child to independently perform everyday activities. First, the child does something together with the parents, then the parents draw clear instructions, and then the child begins to act completely independently.

Let's say you want your child to be neat when he comes in from the street. The first stage: everything is done together, parents show, help. At the second stage, you need to come up with and draw a hint: what, in what sequence and where to put it. For example, like this:

Most children readily follow clear and visual instructions. Gradually, a habit is formed, and external cues become unnecessary.

The next great trick is to turn the desired action into or competition. Just putting away toys is boring and time consuming. Playing housekeeping is another matter entirely.

The game is a natural need for children, in a playful way they are ready to take on the most unloved things. Competition is also a great motivator.

The well-known child psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter gives such an example. Parents wanted their son to do exercises. We bought equipment, my father made a horizontal bar in the doorway, but the boy was not particularly interested in it, and he shied away in every way. Then the mother invited her son to compete who will do the most pull-ups. They brought a table, hung it next to the horizontal bar. As a result, both began to exercise regularly.

A few words about the common practice of paying children to do household chores… It doesn't work in the long run. The demands of the child are growing, and the amount of work performed is decreasing. In one study, students were asked to solve a puzzle. Half of them were paid for it, others were not. Those who received the money were less persistent and quickly stopped trying. Those who acted out of sporting interest spent more time. This once again confirms the well-known rule in psychology: external motivation (even positive) is less effective than internal one.

How to properly ban

Prohibitions are needed not only for physical security. Numerous studies have shown that childhood negatively affects the personality and destiny of a person. Therefore, prohibitions must be mandatory. But it is very important not to go too far, because their excess is also harmful. Let's see what psychologists advise.

1. Flexibility

Julia Borisovna Gippenreiter proposes to divide all the activity of the child into four zones: green, yellow, orange and red.

1. The green zone is what is allowed without any conditions, what the child himself can choose. For example, what toys to play with.
2. Yellow zone - allowed, but with a condition. For example, you can go for a walk if you do your homework.
3. Orange zone - allowed only in exceptional cases. For example, you can not go to bed on time, because today is a holiday.
4. The red zone is what is impossible under any circumstances.

2. Consistency and consistency

If some actions are in the red zone, they should never be allowed to the child. It is enough to give up the slack once, and that's it: the children instantly understand that it is possible not to obey. The same applies to the yellow zone. If he did not do his homework, he must be deprived of a walk. Firmness and consistency are the main allies of parents. It is equally important that the requirements and prohibitions are agreed between family members. When mom forbids eating sweets, and dad allows, nothing good will come of it. Children quickly learn to use disagreements between adults to their advantage. As a result, neither father nor mother will achieve obedience.

3. Proportionality

Do not demand the impossible and be careful about difficult prohibitions. For example, it is very difficult (and some simply impossible) for preschoolers to sit still for more than 20-30 minutes. Forbidding them to jump, run and scream in this situation is pointless. Another example: at the age of three, a child begins a period when he refuses all the proposals of his parents. How to deal with this is a separate topic, but “Stop arguing with me!” will only do harm. Parents should have an idea about the age characteristics of children in order to coordinate their prohibitions with the capabilities of the child.

4. Correct tone

A calm, friendly tone is more effective than strictness and threats. In one experiment, children were brought into a room with toys. The most attractive was a controlled robot. The experimenter told the child that he would leave and that while he was gone, it was impossible to play with the robot. In one case, the ban was strict, harsh, with threats of punishment; in the other, the teacher spoke softly, without raising his voice. The percentage of children who violated the ban was the same. But two weeks later, these children were again invited to the same room ...

This time, no one forbade them to play with the robot alone. 14 out of 18 children with whom they were strict last time immediately took the robot as soon as the teacher left. And most of the children from the other group still did not play with the robot until the teacher arrived. This is the difference between submission and obedience.

5. Punishments

For non-compliance with the prohibitions should be punished. The most general rules are:

1. It is better to deprive the good than to do the bad.
2. You can't be punished in public.
3. Punishment should never be humiliating.
4. You can not punish "for prevention."
5. Of the measures of physical influence, only restraint is unequivocally recommended when it is necessary to stop a raging child. better to minimize.

6. A little naughty

An absolutely obedient child is not the norm. And what kind of life experience will your child get if he follows instructions and instructions all the time? Sometimes a child should be allowed to do something that will harm him. Facing bad consequences is the best teacher. For example, a child reaches for a candle. If you see this and are sure you are in control (no flammable objects nearby), let him touch the flame. This will save you the hassle of explaining why you shouldn't play with fire. Naturally, it is necessary to adequately assess the possible harm. Allowing a child to put his fingers in a socket is a crime.

Not following the instructions of adults, breaking the locked, children always try to achieve or avoid something. For example, to get attention to yourself or to avoid a traumatic situation. The most important and most difficult task of parents is to understand what is behind disobedience. And for this child, you need to listen, you need to talk to him. Unfortunately, magic wands and unicorns do not exist. It is impossible to read an article on Lifehacker and solve all the problems in relationships with. But you can at least try.

The art of upbringing does not consist in defeating the child, but in ensuring that there is no fight as such, and that the child does not form the very habit of hysteria. This method is called the prevention of tantrums, and it will be discussed in the article.
Think about the reasons
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What is behind today's hysteria? Only a situational, random reason, or is there something systemic here that will be repeated? You can ignore the situational and random: relax and forget. And if we are talking about something that can be repeated, we need to think more seriously. Since tantrums are erroneous behavior in a child, think about the reasons for such behavior.

Your example matters
Teaching a child to order, if you yourself have a mess in the room and on the table, is a very controversial experiment. Perhaps you do not have enough psychological skill for this. If in your family order is naturally respected by all adults, then the child is likely to absorb the habit of cleaning at the level of elementary imitation.

Teach your child to listen and obey
Teach your child to listen and obey you, starting with the simplest and easiest things. It is better to do it sequentially, from easy to difficult. The simplest algorithm is the Seven Steps.

Step 1. Teach your child to do your tasks, starting with what he wants to do himself. Nikita loves to clap her hands. “How does Nikita clap her hands? Clever, Nikita! And now, Nikita, show me how the car hums! Wonderful!" - you teach him to do what you tell him. He is learning to listen to you.

Step 2. Teach your child to fulfill your requests, reinforcing this with joy. If you call a child, he should come to you. And even better - to resort, and immediately. Start with situations where the child will come running to you with pleasure, and you will either give him something tasty, or you will hug him and stroke his head, or at least play with him for a minute. Soon start calling, but without tasty. But if called, he must come. It doesn’t go right away - it should be repeated, but achieved. Pay attention to him and ask him to come when his mother calls. Do not swear, but say: “When mom calls, you need to come right away,” and kiss!

Step 3. Do your own thing without reacting to the child, in cases where you yourself are sure that you are right and you know that everyone will support you. You all rush to the train, collect things. In this case, the whims of the child "Well, play with me!" will be easily ignored by everyone, including grandmothers. Teach your child that there are things that are important. Teach your child the phrase "this is important." If you sat down in front of him and, looking into his eyes, holding his shoulders, calmly and firmly say: “Adults now need to get together, and we will play with you later. It is important!" - then soon the child will begin to understand you.

Step 4. Demand a minimum, but when everyone supports you. The child has already grown up enough not to take away a toy from someone else's child, to pick up a fallen mitten himself, to put porridge in his mouth on his own. Always look for those moments when your demands will be supported by everyone around you. If there are too many of your requests and the child does not keep up with them, or you do not have the support of others, then do what you want from the child yourself.

Step 5. Confidently give tasks. Let the child perform them when it is easy for him. Make sure that the child always has things to do at your request. The kid should not fade the understanding that he has tasks, and he must do it. Make your bed, take a cup with you, wash the dishes, run to the store - most likely, it’s easier and cheaper for you to do it all yourself, but you are a teacher, so your task is to restrain yourself, not to do it yourself and entrust it to your child every time .

Step 6. Give difficult and independent tasks. Gradually move on to more and more difficult and independent tasks.

Step 7. Demonstration of the result. Ask your child to show you the results of their work. When the baby has already learned this, you can be proud - you have an adult responsible person in front of you.

Question: Good afternoon. I really ask for your advice. We have two children - 4.5 years and 2.3 years. Before the appearance of the youngest in the house, the eldest was a calm, obedient child. Now she is showing signs of aggression: she can bite, push, hit her little sister. At the same time, she loves her and takes care of her.

The eldest has become very naughty, harmful, does many things out of spite. For example, when passing by a cat, she will look straight at us and defiantly step on the cat's tail and so on.

I began to undress and dress very, very slowly, it can just take hours. I already look like the grandmothers from the article on your site about kindergartens - I make endless remarks and swear all the time. I understand that a child does many things to get attention, but the attention is only negative!

How can you get out of this vicious circle? I understand that somewhere I myself am to blame: from a young age I punished very severely - and closed it in the toilet, and slapped and screamed on the pope. Now, with the advent of the youngest, she has become calmer, now the punishments are softer. Although often you have to shout, because. until you scream, no one will turn their heads.

How to make the house was peaceful? What to do so that the children obey and do not have to yell at them? How to speed up undressing/dressing? How and how to prove to the child that I love him very much, but I'm just not happy with his bad behavior? Are there any tests for children 4-5 years old? Sorry for being so long and confusing. Thank you. Yesenia.

Lyubov Goloshchapova, child psychologist, answers:

What follows from your letter? That the child is trying to restore the relationship to which he is accustomed. (Don't be scared, it's not scary) Well, the girl got used to getting her "ass", and then suddenly it stopped. What to do? Here he is trying his best. As long as you treat her demonstrative actions as something outrageous, this will continue - you support the old stereotype: I tell you a bad deed, you give me anger and punishment. But now you are already different and, as I understood from the letter, you want to arrange your life differently. Great. In order to be different, you must not only do it differently (it already exists), but also treat what you see differently.

You were going to nature tomorrow for the whole day. You wake up - it's raining outside, the whole sky is overcast, wind, cold. Your actions? Will you be outraged? Scream at the sky? Probably not. Apply this approach to your daughter's throws. There is a mechanism within you. It may be a little rusty from long standby times, but it will quickly develop and become your favorite instrument. At the next provocation, listen to your feelings. First, the usual sensation will come - the beginning of a wave of irritation with all the thoughts that are usual in such cases. Pass this wave through yourself, do nothing. Just let her ride through you and walk away. As if you are completely transparent to her. You see it, you feel it, and this is victory. She's leaving quickly, you'll see.

Do not be upset if at first you "slap", forget to follow and swear along the knurled track. This is fine. Still, you develop a new habit, it takes time. Or maybe you can do it all at once. this happens too. Every time you remember and pass the wave through yourself without clinging to irritation, you will experience a surge of strong joy. This means that you succeeded.
Daughter's behavior will change automatically. That is, we work not with our daughter, but with ourselves. It is important. Do not pester your daughter, do not press, do not say anything special.

If you have any questions, please contact me, I will be happy to answer them.

Ekaterina Morozova

Reading time: 7 minutes

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All parents have to face the challenge of raising an obedient child at some point. And the sooner they start raising their child, the better it will be for everyone.

A child who does not obey parents and educators, brings a lot of unpleasant worries , and not only to relatives, but even to passers-by on the street. Those kids who grew up in perfect freedom cannot distinguish between what they are allowed to do and what they are not.

The process of education is very long. Therefore, if you want your child to only please you with his actions and behavior, and not upset you, then should be patient .

Seven basic parenting secrets that will help you find mutual understanding with your offspring and tell you how to teach your child to be obedient:

• Be consistent in parenting. That is, if a ban was introduced on something, for example, not to leave the yard, or not to run out onto the roadway after the ball, then it must be observed every day, without giving concessions. Children, in fact, are very good psychologists, and they will instantly understand where mom and dad are weak, and this also applies to the established rules. And, as soon as they feel it, they will begin to believe that it is not necessary to follow the rules, respectively, that all prohibitions can be violated. That is why teaching a child to be obedient is necessary consistently.

• Be firm, yet gentle at the same time. As practice shows, it is very difficult to raise children with only one cry, and even more so with anger. In order for a little person to develop obedience skills, he must know that he is loved and punished not out of hatred, but out of love for him. Emphasize love, attention, and affection, but be firm in your beliefs. This will show your child that you love him very much, and you know how he feels, but he still has to follow the established rules.

• Be an example for your children. Many parents are puzzling over the question of how to make a child obedient, while they do not want to change their habits and established lifestyle. But they forget that the child does not perceive any moralizing as a personal example of the parents. Studies show that children are very sensitive at a very early age. And so they try to subconsciously imitate the closest adults they see every day, and who are most trusted - their parents. And therefore, it is very important that parents behave as they should, become a good example for the child. Without exception, all the rules that are established for children must be impeccably followed by adults. For example, if a father smokes, then it will be very difficult for a child to explain why it is harmful and why this should not be done.

• Order appropriately. Every year children grow up and constantly try to find new activities for themselves - thus, figuring out what to do is allowed and what is not. Adequate punishment for the child's misconduct should be determined. For example, if a child has committed a small offense, you don’t need to not talk to him for three days for this, it’s better to show that this is unpleasant for you. You can not intimidate a child, it will not do him any good. Just make it clear that all the rules set by the parents must be followed, otherwise punishment will come. Read also:

• Develop a reward system. How to raise an obedient child - encourage him by noticing even the smallest victories and positive changes in his behavior. If your baby is obedient, not capricious, does not break the rules and fulfills your requirements, then encourage him in any way - with an affectionate word or praise. In this case, the child will have a good incentive to be obedient, he will know that he is acting correctly, and then he will act correctly, including to justify your trust. Children are especially pleased when their parents say they are proud of them. And - remember: such an explanation, familiar to many adults, “So it is necessary!” - It does not work! Take the time and effort, and explain in detail and in detail to your son or daughter where this or that rule came from. And even if the child does not understand something, he still will not be harmful, because he will feel that you are interested in him. And most likely, that he himself will ask if something is not clear.

• Reward your child the right way. Even for adults, a great incentive that makes you work even harder and more diligently is rewards. This also applies to children. In order for the child to behave obediently for a while, you can tell in advance what awaits him. For example, it can be a trip to the cinema to see a new cartoon, a zoo, new toys, sweets, access to computer games, etc. But in order to get it, he must fulfill your requirements. This method works well, however - do not abuse it, because the child will only be obedient for a "bribe" in the form of a nice gift.

• And finally - you must adhere to the chosen line of upbringing, think the same way in your spouse and all grandparents, aunts and uncles. Otherwise, your offspring will take a bad fashion to manipulate. Husband and wife should support each other in everything, even if at the same time they think completely differently, or even if they are divorced. How to raise children, it is necessary to agree necessarily in their absence. The child will be obedient only if both mom and dad are authority. Read also:

And remember - an obedient child can only grow up in a family where he is loved, and everything is done for his good!

How are you raising your child? Does everything work out in education, and what are the mistakes? Share your stories in the comments below!

The daughter or son is again indulging, and all attempts to get them to do what is needed are futile? Move on to another tactic.

Sometimes it is difficult for parents to understand why a child who has been obedient to this day suddenly stops doing what parents ask. Psychologists and educators recommend starting with yourself, because kids often copy mom and dad, considering their behavior to be ideal.

What should be the approach to education

When a son or daughter suddenly categorically refuses to go home from a walk, does not want to clean up their toys - the first response of mom and dad in most cases is irritation and indignation that the baby behaved this way.

Another thing is if the parents show a drop of imagination and come up with an interesting activity at home that will allow them to take the baby away from the walk without tears, or, for example, arrange a competition to collect toys, who will do it faster! Of course, the child will gladly accept your rules of the game and the possible conflict will be resolved.

The fact is that at a certain stage of childhood growing up, it is important for parents to understand that the child becomes an independent person, begins to separate from his mother and no longer just does everything that he is told, but begins to show character, expresses his own opinion and decides what he wants to do, and what is not. In order for a child to obey his own parents, five simple rules must be followed.

Give your child more freedom

To teach your child to obey, try to minimize the restrictions, sometimes it turns out that the child is told “no” too often! There should not be many prohibitions, it is clear that you should not allow a child to stick his hands into the fire, lean out of an open window and cross the road on his own, but after all, run through a puddle, play with a stick in the yard, draw on your hand with a felt-tip pen, just sit on the pavement - it can be resolved!

By doing such things, a young man explores the wonderful world around him, how he will understand what asphalt feels like if he doesn’t touch and sit on it for several minutes, how he will know how wet, deep and dirty a puddle can be if he doesn’t walk through it at least once in a lifetime?

Allow your child to move more, run, jump, scream while walking, remove some of the prohibitions that are not so important, then in most cases the child will listen to you, hear and fulfill your requests.

Control your own emotions

If you want your child to stop screaming when he fails, stop throwing things when he fails, and stop throwing fists at his peers, start analyzing the situation with all members of your family. Indeed, how can one demand adequate behavior from a child if the parents themselves are not shy in expressions and are accustomed to sort things out in raised tones?

How often mothers complain that a daughter or son understands them only when they scream, in fact it is very sad. It turns out that the child heard shouts from parents so often that he got used to responding only to them, and lost the habit of the normal tone of the conversation. To teach a child to obey the first time, not to bring communication to such a state, teach a child from an early age to speak in a calm voice, without shouting at each other.

If you want obedience and adequate childish behavior, then start with yourself, try to be a good example for your own child. Respectfully talk to your husband, your parents, relatives. Stay in line at the store and don't lash out at your neighbors.

Make time for games

Playing various role-playing games with your son or daughter, you can understand what is happening in the child’s soul, if he is worried about problems in the kindergarten or he is afraid of something, then this can be shown in a game with your favorite fairy-tale characters.

Often, children's disobedience at the age of 3-5 years is a manifestation of the fact that the baby is really worried about something, and with the help of toys, you can also stage a solution to the problem. This technique is often used by psychologists, but you are much closer to your child, so you can also help him. Do not forget about, which also require a subtle approach.

Stock up on angelic patience

If you decide to take the path of correction and not punish the child for disobedience with harsh methods, but try to have long explanatory conversations, explain how you can behave and how not - be patient. Changes in behavior will certainly occur, but not immediately, but after a while.

When the son and daughter believe in your sincerity, they understand that for any disobedience they don’t immediately get hit on the priest, but they communicate with them like with an adult, then they will gradually behave less aggressively and will meet their parents halfway.

Engage your child in interesting activities

Most children begin to misbehave and disobey their parents from idleness, when they simply have nothing to do. In case you yourself cannot play with the baby, prepare 10-20 ideas in advance about what you can offer your bored son or daughter.

Now in children's stores they offer a huge number of goods for children's creativity, stock up on interesting options, maybe it will be a set for creating a beautiful picture, an applique, a craft from, choose what your child may really be interested in.

Put all the purchases in a bag and hide away from the child, and at the moment when he starts to languish with boredom and mischief, offer him a set for creativity, then the child will be in business, and parents will be able to continue to do their own thing. Further study to neutralize this problem. which the child can handle.

Be consistent in your actions

If you categorically forbid something, then you must always comply with this prohibition, for example, in the case when you say that now is the time to go to bed - put the child to bed immediately. Don't let your words diverge from your actions. After all, as soon as the child understands that the mother says one thing and does another, he will conclude that you should not take the words of your parents seriously.

The next time the baby does not want to obey his mother and starts a tantrum, he will be convinced that his behavior will be able to achieve what he wants. Try to be consistent in upbringing and make sure that words do not diverge from deeds.

Don't forget to praise and appreciate

Any parent can scold their child, but, unfortunately, not every adult can note something good in him, praise him for a positive act. Notice how many times a day you scold the child, and how much you praise, in fact, parents say that they make much more comments than they say kind words during the day. It's time to get better and start seeing more positive things about your child.

It is important for parents to understand that a child becomes an independent person with age, and he has the right not to obey, but it is adults who are able to gently resolve all conflicts and negotiate, to make sure that the child listens to you, and you understand him and reckon with his opinion. Look for even more useful tips in the section of our website.