Tips for divorced parents: how to raise a child after the collapse of the family. Mistakes of parents when raising children in the family

A single parent, alas, is a phenomenon that is increasingly common in our society. Much more often, mothers have to take on the brunt of the independent upbringing of the child. But there are also many single fathers. How do such families live, what difficulties and problems do they face, and how can they fully raise their children alone? Find answers in this article.

Single parent = dysfunctional family?

Living conditions in a family where a single parent raises their children, of course, are different. Taking on two roles at once - both paternal and maternal - is not only difficult, but almost impossible.

But you should not immediately stick a label of dysfunction on such families - quite worthy people grow up in them. At the same time, in the presence of mom and dad, children may experience emotional discomfort, watching their parents quarrel daily.

Why is a single parent raising children? The reasons are different:

initially, the mother decides to give birth to a child without having a husband, then she receives the status of a “single mother”;

one of the spouses has died, and the other parent is raising the children;

a person adopts (adopts) a child and becomes a foster parent;

the father or mother lead an immoral lifestyle, get drunk, leave the family;

Finally, the most common reason is parental divorce. And often parting becomes the only way to protect the child from scandals, showdown and even physical abuse.

So it's better if a single parent raises heirs than a despot father or a drinking mother.

Single parent: problems and solutions

The difficulties of families where children are raised by a single parent can be divided into two large groups: domestic and psychological.

Problems of the household plan

1. Lack of time. A single parent is literally torn between work, household chores and duties in relation to the child - to put on shoes, dress, feed, teach, control, work out, communicate.

You will have to learn how to rationally use your time, plan your day in order to do everything. You need to assign responsibilities so that the children help you, entrust them with specific tasks: go to the store, wash the dishes, water the flowers, walk the dog.

It is imperative to involve children in household chores, but do not overdo it - otherwise any assignments will cause protest. You can not overload children, entrust them with the work that you do not like to do.

Be an example in everything, even in household trifles - how to teach a child to order if you yourself are used to throwing your things around? And if you do household chores with your child, at the same time you can devote this time to communication. Double benefit.

2. Financial issue. It is difficult for one parent to “pull” a family, especially for a mother. You have to work a lot, but you need to have time to take care of the house, children, yourself.

The best option would be to find a remote job so that you can spend more time at home. Plus some additional sources of income.

You will have to seriously think about planning and saving the family budget. By the way, children should be involved in discussing the financial problems of the family, this is useful for educational purposes - the guys learn to understand what it costs and how it is earned.

A single parent can rarely provide his children with the level of prosperity of a complete family, and when a child lacks the basic things that are available to peers, he may develop a feeling of envy, anger, an inferiority complex. Working hard at three jobs is not an option, your children need you healthy.

You will have to convince your child that having expensive clothes and trendy gadgets does not prove superiority over others. Teach children to be self-confident based on other virtues - excellent knowledge, sports achievements, a sense of humor, leadership qualities.

Psychological problems

1. Guilt. Both children and parents can feel guilty. The father or mother blames himself for the departure of the spouse from the family, because of which the child is deprived of the attention of the second parent.

But since you broke up, then there were good reasons for that. Do not try to replace your father (mother), just continue your normal life - you didn’t stop loving your children after the divorce, did you? On the contrary, be proud that you give all your strength to the family, and the heirs feel your love and care.

It is more difficult when a child feels guilty after a divorce. He thinks: I'm so bad that dad left, leaving everyone. It will take all your tact and patience to convince him that he was not involved in the care of the parent.

2. Shift in emphasis. When a father leaves the family, a mother can endow her son with adult qualities that are not inherent in him - demand too much, consult, as with an adult, in matters of work, life, relations with relatives. Mom forgets - the son is just a child, and not a husband, it is too early to give him the powers of the head of the family.

The girls get it too. They try not to upset their mother, they try to please her, they take on most of the household chores. In the future, this may cause problems in their family life.

Do not "load" children with adult problems. Do not deprive them of the charms of childhood, they will already grow up earlier than others, because a greater burden falls on their shoulders than their peers.

3. Lack of a role model. The roles of women and men in the family are different, these are traditions and rules that have been established for centuries. A boy growing up without a father has no one to take an example from.

Mom's dictatorship (often forced) will suppress his emerging masculine qualities. The child may experience problems in communicating with peer boys, with girls, with adults.

The absence of a father is also fraught with consequences for the girl - it is difficult for her to learn how to communicate with men, she will distrust the stronger sex in general. And this is already fraught with problems in the future personal life.

There is another extreme - the girl will experience increased interest in men, grow up early. The main solution to the problem will be to ensure that children communicate with men from your environment.

Grandfather, uncle, older brother, a good friend of the father will not replace, but will help the child learn to communicate with the stronger sex, in some way inheriting their manners and behavior.

4. From extreme to extreme. A single parent is often simply lost and does not understand how to properly build relationships with children. It can be excessive control, when a child is forced to live under the dictation of mom (dad), not being able to express his opinion. As a result, the child may show aggression, disagreement with the requirements of the parent. Or, on the contrary, withdraw into yourself, become not just obedient, but weak-willed.

The second extreme in the behavior of a parent is when almost everything is allowed to the child as compensation for the unfortunate fate. The argument is that the child is already offended, is it possible to limit it in some way? As a result, you will get a spoiled child, but at the same time infantile and dependent on you.

5. Family microclimate. A child in an incomplete family is more sensitive to the mood of the parent and perceives the negative in relation to himself more sharply. With children, you need to confidentially discuss everything that happens (to the extent of their age, of course), being interested in their opinion and treating it with respect.

The atmosphere in the family should be stable and friendly. It is unacceptable today to break loose on a child (trouble at work, dissatisfaction with personal life, eternal lack of money), and tomorrow try to compensate for an outburst of anger by appeasing him with gifts.

It is not necessary to prohibit children from contact with the second parent and his relatives. Your grievances and claims against them are not a reason to deprive the child of communication.

6. Social ties of the family. A single parent often finds himself isolated from society, rotating in a vicious circle: work - home, home - work. You need to try to get to know families like yours, share experiences in solving problems, and just communicate, maybe make friends and help each other.

Contact social services, find out what kind of help you can get there (free events for children, preferential vouchers for children's camps, placement in children's institutions).

7. Work is not a wolf… It is much more difficult for a single parent to allocate time for joint rest with children, but this must be done, sometimes to the detriment of household chores. Cleanliness in the house and delicious pies (for which you spent half a day) will not replace a trip with mom (dad) to nature, to the park, to the circus, cinema or zoo.

Well, if you feel that rest is extremely necessary for you yourself, because there is no more strength, you are completely exhausted - without any feeling of guilt, find an opportunity to rest. Let relatives or friends stay with the children, and you devote a few hours (maybe a whole day) to yourself.

A single parent can also raise a child to the fullest. Yes, it is more difficult for him, but even in families where there is only a mother or father, happy children grow up. Let the child be deprived of some material wealth, but every parent can and should give him all his love and care, treat him with respect and attention.

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In families where the child is raised by both parents, they constantly consult with each other about this or that measure of punishment or encouragement of the child. Before talking with a son or daughter on a serious topic, mom and dad discuss with each other for a long time how best to do this, at what time, where to start the conversation. But in an incomplete family, where the baby is raised by one parent, there is often nowhere to wait for advice and help. In addition, in such a family, as a rule, there are many more problems. How to avoid them, cope with them, choose the right line of behavior and conversation with the child, how to act in a particular difficult situation - this will be discussed in this chapter.

Raising a boy without a father

Women raising sons without a father run the risk of falling into one of the extremes: to give all of themselves without a trace to a child deprived of fatherly love, or to stay with their son pointedly dryly, trying to fill the gap of a harsh male upbringing. Both positions are wrong, because it leads to a distortion in the relationship with the child and brings up a distorted perception of the world in the boy. If in the first case he grows up as an egoist or an indecisive and weak-willed person, then in the second he can become a neurasthenic who has lost faith in people and in life, because in childhood he did not receive parental love. Where to find the golden mean to grow a real man?

Rules for the mother

If there is no father or he does not want to communicate with his son, do not try to play the roles of both parents. You must remain a kind, caring and patient mother, and the husbands of your friends can set a male example, with whose families it is very useful for you to communicate. In the upbringing of a grandson, let the grandfather play an even greater role: the more active his help is, the better for the child.
Loving your son and giving him emotional warmth, do not forget about yourself. The boy should see you happy, and not absorbed in constant worries. Therefore, love yourself and do not forget about your personal life.
Do not consider your son your property. He is an independent person, requiring respect for his feelings, mood and desires. Try to understand the child, and he will answer you the same, becoming an attentive and caring son.
Involve your son in housework, help with the housework. Do not be afraid to show your child your weaknesses and that it is difficult for you. Sons willingly take on the role of assistant and the only man in the family. Let your child show kindness and strength, dexterity and courage. Even if he makes a lot of mistakes, do not scold him for it, but encourage and support him. Then he will become a strong, intelligent and responsible person.
From an early age, introduce the boy to sports activities. They will help him feel strong and independent.
Always come to the aid of your son if he has been offended or needs your support. Do not shout at him, do not scold him in case of mistakes or misconduct, but on the contrary, assure that you are on his side and believe that this misunderstanding will not happen again. Then the boy will develop a strong sense of security, which will help him to walk steadily through life.
Create psychological comfort for your son at home. Respect and love the child so that he does not experience anxiety and anxiety.
Cultivate industriousness in your son and try to help him find his hobby. Well, if later it develops into a profession. Men need to feel needed by society and be able to realize their abilities in business, so teach this to your child from an early age. Passion for what he loves will give him an impetus to solve more and more difficult tasks and achieve goals.
In the most crucial period - the transitional age, when the child experiences a huge psychological burden, be patient and restrained in your emotions. Do not respond to your son's irritability with resentment and criticism, but do not try to control his every step. If the son is used to trusting you, he will definitely share his experiences, you just need to wait for the time. In the meantime, show delicacy and wisdom by showing your child that you are always ready to support him in a difficult moment.

A normal family should consist of at least three people. But if a woman decides to give birth and raise her son alone, she can successfully create for him a positive image of the father and the atmosphere in which the baby himself completed this image in his imagination. Let's look at when a child begins to feel the lack of a father. While the baby is breastfeeding, he is inextricably linked with his mother and simply does not notice his father. Until about the age of two, the mother plays the biggest role in the life of a child, although he is already beginning to understand the difference between a man and a woman, adapting to their different behaviors. From two to six years old, the boy carefully studies the image of his father and other older men, intuitively understanding that he, too, will grow up as a man. Therefore, he blindly copies their actions, words, deeds, wants to be like them. After three years, he begins to treat his mother romantically, wants her to belong entirely only to him, compares himself with his father and understands that the comparison is not in his favor, because dad is stronger and older. Then he has a crisis in his relationship with his mother - he is already embarrassed by her caresses, especially in public, becomes "prickly", intolerant of the manifestation of feelings on the part of the mother. During this period, he expressly treats all girls badly. At school age, the boy is already willingly realizing himself in various activities, studies and sports, wanting to more and more imitate older boys and his father.

The most tender age

Don't miss this age - three to six years old. It was during this period that the boy learns to treat a woman romantically, which leaves an imprint on his future life. But if he realizes that his mother is solely his, this will make him emotionally attached to her for life, and will create big problems in his future family life. It will be difficult for him to choose a life partner for himself, he will constantly compare her with his mother, and the comparison will never be in favor of his wife. The presence of a father in the family does not allow the son to solely control the feelings of the mother, the child understands that romantic relationships already connect mom with dad, whom he also loves. During this period, the mother should in no case be very close to the boy, hug and kiss him too often, that is, demonstrate that her love for her son is stronger than for his father. Otherwise, she risks over-attaching the boy to herself. And in your case, when there is no dad, the mother intuitively identifies the child with the absent husband, becoming inadmissibly close to him emotionally and physically.

Three commandments of a mother raising her son without a father

First, you can not sleep with your son in the same bed. Secondly, it is necessary to occupy the child with men's affairs as much as possible, and not impose a female society on him. And the last thing: in no case should you be naked in front of your son.

However, you should not go to extremes: be cold and impregnable for a child. I hope that mothers raising their sons without a father will themselves catch this fine line between strong emotional and physical closeness to their son and cold aloofness. Relationships between two different people, be it husband and wife, brother and sister, son and husband, have their own characteristics. It is not necessary to treat all close people equally. Of course, it is difficult for a single mother to limit her emotional warmth, which she has no one to give to, except for her son. However, this is its main task.

The son still needs a father, at least in imagination, because he must grow up to be a real man. The fact that you do not have a husband can even benefit you Modern men have many problems that affect their character and behavior. But instead of a real husband, you can come up with his image, endowing him with the best human qualities. In addition, children themselves tend to fantasize, inventing missing parents for themselves. They endow them with character traits of goodies in books and films, as well as familiar adult men. And yet they strive to be like them. Do not destroy, but support such a fictional image of the father. By doing this, you will help your child grow up as a harmonious personality. Teach your kid to respect the image of the father, even if he is not worth it. It is necessary, first of all, for your son.

The child must understand that besides him, the mother has friends with whom she communicates, maintaining completely different relations than with him. That is, the baby should not feel alone with the mother, otherwise it will make his attachment to her too strong. You need to inspire him that there is a world of adults and a world of children. Each of the inhabitants of these worlds lives his own life, which should not be claimed by a representative of another world. So, no matter how much you love your child, you need to find time for yourself, spend it with your friends, neighbors, acquaintances, colleagues. Let the child see how other men treat you, how you treat them. He must understand the difference between adult relationships and your relationship with him.

A mother should be first and foremost a woman

Cyril came home preoccupied. He was visiting Vasya, where they helped his father collect firewood and kindle a barbecue, and then fry kebabs. Kirill was also treated to barbecue, which turned out to be very tasty. But he came home upset, because my mother never made barbecue, and she can’t even cut wood - she’s a woman. “Yes, it will be hard for me, but you are a man. Come on, let's look for brushwood in the forest and think about how we can arrange a barbecue. And we’ll buy meat in the store,” my mother suggested. The son immediately revived and headed for the forest. He suddenly imagined himself as a strong man who had a great responsibility. And my mother also played along: “Making fires is a difficult matter, have you read anything about it? Come on, I’ll choose meat for barbecue in the store, and you’ll take care of lighting the fire. ”

Such an attitude awakens real masculine and even chivalrous qualities in a child. He will try his best to please his mother, to show himself from the best, strongest side. And henceforth he will develop in himself those qualities that he observed in a neighbor or a physical education teacher, compensating for the absence of his father in the house. If you support him in these endeavors, he will succeed in everything - in studies, sports, work.

When a boy gets older and enters adolescence, he develops a critical attitude towards familiar things. It is important to be patient and not lose contact with the child. No instructions or reprimands! The teenager will still not perceive them, but on the contrary, he will still reproach you for depriving him of his father. Only confidential conversation and mutual understanding. A child at this age especially needs your advice. If he is accustomed to respect your opinion, reckon with you and trust you, and such an attitude can only be earned by mutual respect, he will willingly listen to your opinion about his deeds and actions, whatever they may be. The main thing is for a teenager to feel that you are not indifferent to what place he occupies in society - in the class, among girlfriends and friends. Now you should talk to him on an equal footing, as with an adult. Teenagers appreciate it.

Raising a boy without a mother

Mothers leave families quite rarely, but this happens in our life. Most often, these are women who have lost their maternal instinct under the influence of alcohol and drug addiction. A normal mother is unlikely to agree to be separated from her son or daughter. However, life is so complicated that we can assume such a choice of divorced parents in order to better raise children (if the mother works hard and makes a career, and the father is more prone to housework and loves children very much). Consider both options in more detail, since they have a significant difference. If in the first case the child has a negative attitude towards his mother, who cannot give him love and warmth, then in the second, although he rarely sees his mother, he loves her and misses her.

If a SON HATES HIS MOTHER

Hatred is always a bad feeling, especially if it has settled in the soul of a child. Even worse is the hatred of the mother. This can break the psyche of a boy who sees a distorted image of a woman. He will have great difficulties in relationships with the opposite sex. Depending on the character of the child, in the future he may be afraid of women or despise them, becoming a henpecked or womanizer. In addition, it is maternal love that gives the child confidence in his own safety and makes him friendly to people. If she is absent, he becomes suspicious, sullen and shy.

Can a father replace a boy's mother? Of course not. Yes, this should not be done.

Your task is to give the child what a father can and must do, that is, to help form a strong character, instill in him self-confidence, convince him that the world is not cruel, and there are more good people in it than bad ones. Try to “reconcile” your son with his mother, that is, tell her about her best qualities (which every person has), explain to the child that her mother fell ill and could not recover from her illness. It changed her, but she wasn't always like that. You need to help the child forgive his mother and do everything so that he does not feel deprived of love.

At the same time, the boy should see other women - kind, affectionate, tolerant. It's good if the teacher at school is just like that, but, unfortunately, it happens the other way around. If the teacher is indifferent or clearly negative towards the boy, yells at him, humiliates him in front of the whole class, you need to talk to her seriously or transfer your son to another class. Communicate more often with your friends who have wives who love children, so that the child, at least in the circle of a strange family, feels the care and kindness of a woman.

RULES FOR THE FATHER

If most of the time the son is left to himself, you must clearly establish the routine of his day so that he does not have the opportunity to wander aimlessly around the apartment or, even worse, down the street. The extended day group is calm, but not the best option. It is suitable only for the time when the child is small, that is, he is studying in elementary school. Then it is best to enroll the boy in the sports section and be actively interested in his success. It’s good if you and your son have common interests, and it depends, first of all, on you. Involve him in the same things that interest you yourself or those activities that you yourself were fond of as a child.

Communicate with your child as much as possible, play football and volleyball with him, go to the circus and the zoo, in a word, maintain friendly and warm relations with him, while showing exactingness and integrity. Be sure to teach your son to discipline, showing it by example. In this case, the boy will grow up as an independent and responsible person.

Divorce is not uncommon these days. According to disappointing statistics, about half of marriages in Russia break up. Although society's attitude towards divorce is becoming more tolerant, the breakup of a family is a serious stress for all its members. Children are especially affected by this. The task of parents is to help the child survive the divorce of their parents and mitigate its negative consequences on the upbringing process.

Divorce through the eyes of a child

Children in a divorce situation feel a strong nervous tension. Unfortunately, in most cases, the separation of mom and dad causes them psychological trauma. The exception is when a parent leaves, whose presence caused great discomfort. For example, when a mother divorces an alcoholic father who was violent and beat his wife and children. However, most often the offspring are very worried and do not want their parents to disperse. Psychologists distinguish several generalized children's reactions, largely dependent on age.

From birth to 1.5 years. The crumbs are not yet able to understand what is happening in the family. The reaction to the divorce of parents at this age mainly depends on the experiences of the mother, as they subtly feel her psychological state and adopt it. The peanut can show his emotions with whims, tantrums, nervousness, refusal to eat, problems with sleep. Psychological discomfort can affect health: frequent illnesses, exacerbation of congenital diseases;
From 1.5 to 3 years. The emotional connection between the baby and parents at this age is very strong. They are the center of his little universe, so the departure of one of them will be hard to experience. Emotions can also affect physical health, manifest as problems with appetite and sleep. It happens that the baby becomes unmotivated aggressive: fights, bites. In some children, there is a return to infantile forms of behavior: pacifier sucking,;
From 3 to 6 years. During this period, children develop a vague understanding of what a divorce of parents is. They suffer because one of the parents no longer lives with them. Preschoolers tend to blame themselves for this. Manifestations at the physical level: poor appetite, sleep. Various fears and fantasies may appear. It happens that the offspring behave aggressively towards the parent with whom they stayed to live. Manifestations of risky behavior, disobedience are increasing, injuries are becoming more frequent;
From 6 to 11 years old. The stress experienced by a child from the divorce of his parents can be exacerbated by the crisis of 7 years, which coincides with entering school. If adaptation to school is accompanied by an unfavorable situation at home, this can cause problems with learning, reluctance to go to school, conflicts with peers, antisocial behavior. At this age, children already understand what a divorce is, they are often afraid that they will not see one of the parents, they will not be able to communicate with him. Fears can also arise in relation to their future, which seems uncertain and frightening. Some children think that they can restore the family, they are trying to reconcile their parents. If this fails, the children feel deceived, abandoned;
11 years and older. Adolescents are already able to understand what divorce is, but internally they cannot accept it. Against the backdrop of raging hormones, everything is taken to heart. Adolescents experience resentment and disappointment, often there is a feeling of uselessness and abandonment. The departure of one of the parents can be perceived as a betrayal, the reaction to which is behavioral disturbances: absenteeism, alcohol consumption,. It also happens the other way around: the child becomes an ideal son or daughter, thus trying to achieve reconciliation between the parents.

At any age, it is psychologically very difficult for a child when mom and dad decide to divorce. Parents need to set themselves the goal of overcoming mutual claims and learning how to interact, taking into account the interests of the child.

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The right solution in a divorce situation would be joint custody of the child. It happens that this is very difficult to do, because the former spouses cause a lot of conflicting and even negative emotions in each other. However, it is necessary to do this in order to minimize the psychological trauma of the child from the divorce of the parents. Psychologists say that when the ex-husband and wife maintain a calm, even relationship, continue to take care and raise their children together, the children feel normal.
Don't avoid talking to your child about the divorce. You can’t lie and say that one of the parents went on a long business trip. The best thing to do is to talk openly with your child. It is good if both parents are involved in the conversation. The psychological state of the child after the divorce largely depends on how this conversation goes.
In a calm atmosphere, tell them that mom and dad are breaking up because they can no longer be happy together. Be sure to mention that you are divorcing each other, but not with the child. Your breakup is not his fault. Both of you still love and will love your baby, communicate and spend time together, although someone will live separately.
You can not quarrel and insult each other in the presence of a child. Try to discuss disagreements and disputes as peacefully as possible, without involving the offspring in conflicts.
Do not criticize your ex-husband or wife in front of a child. If a child is critical of a former spouse in his absence, do not encourage and support him in this.
Do not put the child in a situation of choice between parents and do not set against the former spouse. The child loves and needs each of you.
Do not use children as an intermediary between you: forcing them to send angry messages, demanding money, fishing for information about their personal lives. If you have something to say to your ex(es), do it in person.
Stop the child's attempts to manipulate you with threats that he will leave to live with another parent. This will teach him to manage you and negatively affect moral development.
Do not humiliate the offspring, finding in his behavior traits of negative resemblance to the former spouse. " All in the father! (to the mother!) ”- such phrases can provoke even more negative behavior and set against both parents.
Never blame your child for your problems, unsettled personal life, domestic difficulties. This is the fault of adults, and you can not take out your irritation on him.
Do not prevent the other parent from seeing the child. Although the place of residence of the offspring is determined by the court, mom and dad must be nearby. Agree when and how much time the child will spend with each, and do not infringe on the ex-spouse's right to communicate with him.
Be open in your communication with your child, while avoiding unnecessary details. The child subtly feels falseness, so it is better to talk about your experiences in a language that is accessible to him. So he will understand that he is not alone in his feelings. On the other hand, do not dump your problems on him, they may not be up to him, no matter how grown-up he may seem.
Show your love and affection generously. She is needed more than ever during this difficult time. On a subconscious level, many children fear that if their parents have fallen out of love with each other, then they can easily stop loving them too. Show that it is not.
Give your child as much attention as possible: read together, be creative. Try to expand your social circle so that the child is distracted from family problems, spend more time outside the home in joint walks and sports.
Help your offspring set achievable goals and achieve them. Do not skimp on praise, but do not avoid fair punishments.
Try to be an example for the child: do not act immorally, do not withdraw into yourself, learn to overcome the blues and enjoy life - and he will definitely join you in this!

If parents manage to agree among themselves after a divorce and jointly take care of their child, this has the best effect on his psychological well-being.

The positive impact of joint custody after divorce

The child feels safe. Participation in the life of the child of both parents gives him a sense of confidence in their love, has a positive effect on self-esteem. This helps a growing person to accept the fact of separation of the closest people faster and easier.
Joint custody of parents gives the child a sense of stability, orderliness of life. This allows, just as in a complete family, to form a system of rules, rewards and punishments. The offspring is confident in the future, knows what to expect from others and what is expected of him.
The child learns to deal effectively with difficulties. Having before his eyes the experience of parents who successfully overcame differences and were able to cooperate for a common goal, the child adopts their model of behavior in difficult situations.

Divorce is not a sentence for a child. The wisdom and love of parents, their ability to compromise and forget mutual insults will help him cope with stress and overcome it with the least psychological losses.

All parents, without exception, face problems in the upbringing of modern children. And even with knowledge in the field of psychology and pedagogical skills, mistakes and distortions are not excluded. The most typical mistakes of family upbringing include the wrong setting of the boundaries of what is permitted, the lack of rules in the family, the wrong reaction to children's emotions and familiarity.

The direct embodiment of how the child is integrated into the family structure is the boundaries that adults set for the child, the rules and requirements that are imposed on him. The difficulty of setting these boundaries is familiar to many parents. However, the problems of educating preschool children associated with the establishment of boundaries is a phenomenon in the history of pedagogy, most likely a young one. It appeared in connection with the trend of humanization of education, the rejection of physical and rough psychological "weapons" in ensuring the discipline of children.

It is precisely the rejection of rude methods of influencing a child, the understanding that an adult can cause irreparable harm to a child if he treats him cruelly, and becomes a mistake in education, the cause of difficulties in establishing rules for him. Parents have lost the traditional tool of power - physical punishment, which is declared harmful. At the same time, parents did not acquire (or acquired in insufficient quantities) other educational tools - psychological techniques, the ability to convince and lead children, motivate them. In this situation, such a problem of family upbringing of children arises as an error in setting boundaries for the child. In addition, many parents identify the concept of cruelty towards a child with the concept of rigidity in following the rules, attitudes towards certain situations with a child. However, toughness does not mean cruelty, and in some situations, in order to maintain order, parents must have the courage to show this toughness.

Problems of upbringing of preschool children in a modern family

Most appeals to a psychologist about children relate specifically to problems with the behavior of children, the difficulties of parents in achieving the fulfillment of family or social rules.

At the external level, the problems of raising children associated with setting boundaries for the child are expressed in the fact that it is difficult with the child in daily affairs: he does not want to follow hygiene instructions (brush his teeth, wash his face), does not want to get up in the morning, go where he should, or on the contrary, to leave places dear to his heart. Can scream or be rude, and sometimes beat parents, refuse to do homework, clean up their things, offend younger children or animals. All these phenomena are explainable in themselves, the child's resistance to rules is, on the whole, a completely natural thing. However, when resistance to the rules becomes total, the life of parents and children turns into a continuous struggle around the rules, the situation clearly needs to be corrected. Relations are aggravated, parents even begin to be afraid of the child, as he often arranges exhausting scandals, can easily put others in an uncomfortable position with his behavior. The mistakes of family education are manifested by the fact that the child constantly resists the requirements, and it becomes difficult to provide elementary norms of behavior and even safety.

The older the child, the more experience of war with the rules of parents or ignoring these rules, the more difficult the situation can be.

In such a situation, when a child refuses to obey the rules, there may be deep reasons that lie in the personality of the parents or the child himself. The root causes may relate to the past of the family, the illness of one of its members, or other circumstances. These problems of raising children in a family are always individual, it is better to deal with their analysis with a specialist.

Many problems with children's behavior relate to the way in which rules and boundaries are set for children. And what kind of internal motivation drives parents when they set the rules for the child.

Let's start with the internal state of the parents, their attitudes regarding the rules for the child.

There are several typical mistakes in family upbringing of children, unconstructive attitudes and ways of parental behavior that prevent them from establishing reasonable rules in the family.

The current problem of raising children: no boundaries

The actual problem of raising children in the family is the lack of boundaries. Often mistakes in education are due to the fact that parents themselves are not very sure where the boundaries should lie. If parents do not have their own confidence in what is possible and what is not worth doing to children, then they cannot convey this confidence to children.

Parental lack of confidence in prohibitions, prescriptions, and their own actions may be due to conflicting or misunderstood parenting theories. For example, a parent may be confused between the idea that the child will not harm himself (won't hurt, poison, or circumcise if trusted) and traditional methods of controlling and looking after the child. Or a parent can live in uncertainty between conflicting attitudes - whether to intervene in children's conflicts or trust their natural instincts and allow communication to be learned, so to speak, "in combat." There are many such urgent problems of raising children on the parental path, and if a parent does not have a clear idea of how to act correctly, then he constantly broadcasts his insecurity to the child. The ill-conceived position of the parents, the hesitations are visible to the child, are read by him at an unconscious level, and by the time the child is nevertheless presented with demands, he does not obey the parent.

Many parents object that, they say, everything is very relative, and times are changing, not to mention educational theories, which are often diametrically opposed in their prescriptions. And this is also a mistake in raising children, because it is very difficult to develop your own opinion on how to act when there is so much conflicting information and so little own experience. All this is true, but this does not relieve parents from the need to find a foothold, develop their own opinion and act on it. People can make mistakes, change their minds, recognize past decisions as wrong. However, if you decide to raise children, then your direct responsibility is to develop the system of guidelines (albeit imperfect) in which they are brought up.

Mistakes of parenting: lack of rules in the family

Another typical mistake of upbringing is the lack of rules in the family, a negative attitude towards boundaries, when parents generally believe that they are strangling the freedom of the individual. Such people, for various reasons, are negatively disposed to the rules as a phenomenon. This situation has its origins, grows out of human history. Some parents themselves, in fact, are rebels who do not accept any rules, power over themselves, resisting the established rules. Such parents may, on the one hand, try to establish rules for the child, and on the other hand, secretly encourage his resistance to the rules, admire the self-will of children.

Other parents are highly conforming, they are afraid to deviate from the instructions, but would not want their children to repeat their fate and for this reason make demands reluctantly, as if embarrassed by their role.

If you internally resist the very idea of setting rules for a child, you associate rules with dullness, boring life, mediocrity, then you broadcast conflicting messages to him on two levels. At the external level, of course, you must set rules for him, because no one relieves the parents of the obligation to acquaint the child with at least minimal social norms. But on a more subtle level, usually non-verbally, with a complex system of rewards for a child's rebellious behavior, you convey completely different signals. On a subtle level, he receives an order not to obey, not to recognize the rules. The child will never realize the very fact of the contradiction of different messages. However, this greatly affects him, makes him worried. As a result of such a double bind, problems arise with the upbringing of children by parents, because the child is lost, does not want to identify himself with the rules that are offered to him, because adults themselves treat them negatively.

A problem related to raising a child: fear of children's emotions

A common problem associated with raising a child is the fear of his emotions. Often parents cannot effectively set rules for the child, as they are afraid of a vivid manifestation of his emotions: tantrums, crying, outbursts of rage.

Many parents fear that their child's strong emotions will harm their physical or psychological health. In an effort to prevent strong tantrums or crying, such parents make mistakes in raising children, follow their lead when the kids show strong emotions. Curiously, it is the children who have difficulty with boundaries who tend to be the most hysterical. By making concessions when a child is crying or hysterical, you teach him to constantly resort to this means in order to achieve what he wants, that is, in fact, you form a hysterical character.

This kind of behavior is quickly formed by children whose parents are sure that the crying of a child is an extremely dangerous phenomenon, and a child, not controlling himself, can injure himself. Usually such fears are greatly exaggerated, and the sobbing child is comparatively safe if allowed to express his emotions.

No parent would want their child to cry, which is usually a very painful experience. The cry of a child is one of the most annoying sounds for the human ear, nature itself made sure that we strive to comfort the child and stop crying. However, is it always necessary to stop crying, are strong emotions always, whether they are tears of rage or grief, a child harmful to him? Below are considered several pedagogical problems in the upbringing of children that arise in situations where the child demonstrates too sharp an emotional reaction.

When a child cries from adult cruelty, fear, parental rejection, chronic mistreatment, these are tears that indicate situations that in themselves are harmful to the child. So, for example, if you locked a child in a dark room as a punishment for disobedience, where he is terrified and crying, this is certainly a traumatic story that needs to be stopped as soon as possible. But if your child demands his father's phone, another candy or turn on cartoons for him and at the same time makes a very loud scandal, then his position is safe, despite violent emotions. Let him just express his feelings.

Some parents cannot stand tantrums, because during these tantrums they acutely feel like bad parents. They begin to worry that the child does not love them or is too unhappy, and, therefore, they turn out to be bad parents.

Another important reason why people are afraid of child tantrums is, of course, public opinion. This may be the opinion of people close to you, for example, grandmothers or a spouse, or the opinion of outsiders. In both cases, you can make a typical mistake when raising children - to make unreasonable concessions to the child in order to avoid the condemnation of others.

Fear of child hysteria, fear that a crying child does great harm to itself (including physical), fear of criticism from others makes parents make concessions that affect both the current situation and the future character of the child. In addition, the situation when parents cannot endure the emotions of the child exhausts the parents themselves, making them hostages of the situation, depriving them of the means and tools of management.

Family upbringing mistake: familiarity

Among the main problems of raising children can be attributed familiarity, that is, an excessive desire to become a friend to the child. Many parents are sure that the best picture of the relationship between an adult and a child is friendship. For them, the highest achievement would be the opportunity to say: “I am the best friend for my child!”

There are many aspects to the belief that it is necessary to be friends with a child. One of them is that the parent wants to completely control the life and thoughts of the child, so he seeks to be his best friend so that the child does not have secrets from him. Another mistake of parental upbringing is that an adult does not want to give way to anyone in the life and soul of a child, wants to become everything for him, including his best friend. Often, parents who claim to be best friends with their child, have a tense or distant relationship with their parents, have always felt a lack of self-love. Such people may seek friendship with the child in order to prevent the formation of the same gulf that separates them from their own parents. In addition, in the closeness and exclusive position in the life of a child, they seem to compensate for the pain of rejection that they experienced in relationships with their own parents. The love and affection of the child in this case should compensate for the damage received by a person in other
close relationships (with their own parents, partners). In such cases, parents want all the feelings and affections of the child to belong only to them.

How to achieve the fulfillment of requirements that are unpleasant for the child, without causing his irritation? How to avoid mistakes in family education of children? The main concept on which the main idea is built is collapsing - friendship with a child. If the mother acted, feeling her right to set boundaries and not striving at all costs to please the child, the girl would quickly accept the rules. The atmosphere would become more defined, calm, and this would allow its participants to spend more pleasant time together.

The leading role of an adult does not at all mean army discipline, ignoring the feelings and will of the child, a command-and-order system of communication. However, if there is no person next to the child who guides and, if necessary, restricts him, then one can only guess what choices he will make.

Parents - mother and father - are unique people in a person's destiny. He is connected with them by a wide variety of feelings and relationships, often these feelings are complex and contradictory, but they are always very important, they radically affect his relationship with the world. Friendship between a child and a parent is, of course, possible, but this happens only at a certain stage in the child's life, when he is old enough, equal to the parent in his status. While the child is small, the relationship between parent and child is extremely asymmetrical. The parent is obliged to be responsible for him, to establish rules, to lead the child, that is, to be in charge. And the basis of friendship lies in close, almost symmetrical relationships, where everyone is free to leave this relationship if they wish. Going down to familiarity, you are making a serious mistake of upbringing in the family, because friendship with a child is initially hypocritical, since the relationship is not equal and the child is not free to leave them of his own free will. In addition, he must obey his parents in matters of principle. The parent should patronize, guide, love, support and teach the child, but not try to be friends with him. In these relationships there can be a lot of warmth, fun and pleasure, friendliness, cooperation and mutual attention, but this is not a relationship of two friends. You should not make such a typical mistake of parents in raising children, how to replace a friend for a child - you need to teach him to look for friends, build and maintain friendly relations. Parents have a unique role, they should not pretend to be anything more.

Another common mistake of raising children in a family is the fear of parents that, as a result of demands, they will simply lose the love and affection of the child. A child, dissatisfied with the eternal pressure and demands that are made to him, will simply reject the parent, internally distance himself from him. What could be sadder than losing the love of your own child? In this case, parents make another pedagogical mistake in raising children - they do not want to achieve discipline, guarding such an important thing as the child's attachment. Such fears are more common in those parents who raise a child alone. Also, a similar situation occurs in families where one of the parents is removed from education, leaving the second to act. It is this second parent, who is obliged to bear the entire burden of responsibility, who is worried that he will become only a source of restrictions for the child, while the second parent will remain an eternal holiday for the child.

In fact, what happens in the relationship is much more important than the demands on the child. What else do you offer, what do you give to your child? If your communication is reduced to demands, criticism, elimination of "children's upbringing mistakes", then sooner or later the distance is inevitable, no matter how successful your "management" is. Yes, no one relieves parents of responsibility for the child, the need to guide him, but it is important what else you give to your child. Psychologists, reflecting on why there are problems in raising children in a modern family, suggest parents to analyze:

Do they know how to truly understand the child, get in touch with his world?
Do they often spend pleasant time together?
Can they say that their child fully trusts them, feels calm and secure next to their parents?

If you answer “yes” to these questions with confidence, then you are unlikely to be afraid to make demands on your child.

In order not to make mistakes in family education, parents should build relationships with the child, not removing the requirements for him, but filling communication with warmth, love and intimacy. Then, on the basis of good relationships, the child will accept the rules as part of life. If a child has confidence in the love of his parents, a feeling of warmth in a relationship, then he has something to smooth out the discomfort from restrictions, due to which to worry.

For parents who are afraid to set rules in order not to lose the child's attachment, it is best to pay attention to what, in addition to the rules, the child's life is filled with, and direct their activity in this direction.

Parents, regardless of their attitudes, have to set the rules for the child. There are no parents free from this necessity. In order not to make typical parental mistakes in raising children, try to establish your own rules, without internal conflict and contention with the child.

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