Yes, I only have one child, I don’t want a second one - and here’s why. Yes, I only have one child, I don’t want a second one - and that’s why A child is not glue for broken hearts

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You have an only child, and you are not aiming for a second one. You are happy and doted on him, but a vague feeling of guilt still scratches at you. How to deal with yourself, and even more so with the pressure of others - says a mother, writer and blogger.

I have one child - a daughter. And some people clearly think it's terrible. People often say to me: “She should definitely have a brother or sister someday.” Or just straight away: “Are you not going to give birth to a second child?”

Every time I fight the urge to be rude in response, at such moments I think: isn’t one child a miracle in itself? Is having an only child something shameful?

So you have one child. Then get ready to listen to sermons on the topic: “Only children are so selfish and spoiled, they feel lonely all their lives and, as adults, cannot forgive their parents for this.” Apparently, being an only child in a family is almost like being a leper - life is full of negativity.

To be honest, this is all very annoying. I will try to explain in detail why. For a long time I felt terrible, realizing that my girl would be the only child in the family. After two unsuccessful pregnancies that ended due to uncontrollable vomiting (I had hyperemesis - severe vomiting that can lead to termination of pregnancy), I realized that this was my only chance.

In addition, after the divorce, I realized that I could put an end to further childbirth. I'm about forty. And it’s somehow hard to imagine that I will suddenly meet someone absolutely amazing who will take care of me if I have hyperemesis again. Yes, and I somehow doubt my ability to quickly jump out of marriage and risk going through this again. That's why I finally came to terms with the fact that for the rest of our lives we will have a two-girl show - me and my daughter.

Don't think it was easy for me. My family had many children. I was the youngest of four sisters. If I tried to describe my childhood in a few words, I would choose: noisy, fun, chaotic and warm. The silence in the house was perceived as something abnormal. So at first the thought of raising one child seemed strange to me, to say the least.

My childhood was spent in unbridled joy. What will my daughter's childhood be like without being teased? Will her life be complete without her sister friend? All these questions were running through my head. But then, having driven away the sad thoughts, I thought that it wouldn’t be so bad to live alone with my daughter. Instead of feeling guilty, I accepted and valued my relationship with my only child. Here are six reasons why I don't feel bad about having just one child.

Money

Even before my husband and I separated, money was tight. Now that I'm a single mother, the situation has gotten even worse. When I was a child, my family experienced financial difficulties for some time, and I remember this stress very well. Now I am comforted by the thought that with an only child I have much more opportunities, and he will not be deprived. If my daughter wants to go somewhere, for example, to a museum or to a concert, then I can take her or arrange with her father to do it. If I had two of them, I would have much less time and money. We may never go to Disneyland, but I can still give the best I can to one child. This does not mean that you should definitely decide on a second one if you have enough funds. But, as the late Michael Jackson sang in his song “Wanna Be Startin' Somethin": If you can't feed your baby, then don't have a baby (If you can't feed your baby, then don't have a baby).

Time

I'm working now. I used to be a stay-at-home mom, but now I'm at work 40 hours a week or more. There is not enough time. I feel guilty when I don't spend enough time with my daughter. But it was even more difficult to divide this time between two children.

Attention

As a child, I was always clinging to my older sisters, who were nine, seven and six years older than me, and they did not know how to get rid of me. They had their own interests and heart-to-heart conversations, and I often disturbed them. Because of the age difference, I felt superfluous and forgotten and I hated this feeling.

Well, then it is obvious that when large quantities siblings are bound to have personality conflicts.

My daughter and I are just the two of us, and I don't get distracted by helping other kids do things. She has all my attention, which is great. It was difficult for my parents to spend enough time with me until my sisters went to university and left home. I like that I have time to get to know my daughter better as a person, and I can devote time to her hobbies, which I could not do equally with many children.

Siblings aren't always close

When talking about brothers and sisters, everyone means something unshakable. However, they forget that not all siblings get along with each other. Of course, they play an important role in a child's life, but having a sibling does not mean instant love. They may conflict or simply not communicate. I had no contact with one of my sisters for over three months, despite attempts on my part. On the other hand, I correspond, which is already good. I communicate with the third one quite often, but we sometimes quarrel and don’t talk for a while. It's been this way all our lives, and we can't do anything about it.

Having a brother or sister does not guarantee your child best friend for life. Of course, we all hope so, but the reality is that this is not always the case.

My career

Yes, I said it. I am passionate about my writing career. I also enjoy my day job. With one child, I can devote more time to my hobbies and not feel guilty that I am depriving him. I love being a mother, but I also love being myself, and there's no shame in that. What I do brings me a lot of joy. In turn, my child sees a strong, happy and motivated woman who believes in herself and achieves success.

My health

I had three pregnancies, but only one child. It’s easy to guess that I was not a healthy pregnant woman, although it was easy for me to get pregnant. Now I am healthy and feel great. I'm not sure I want to go through suffering and loss again. Who can blame me?

Alone does not mean lonely

I fully support those who want many children, just one child, or no children at all. Each of these options has its advantages, but I’m not talking about that now. I just want people around me to stop feeling sorry for my “lonely” daughter. She has the love of two parents.

And one more thing: after so many difficult pregnancies, I am grateful to fate for my healthy only child. Being her mother makes me happy, and although it is still a difficult job, it has brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined.

In this century, many people do not consider starting a family a truly important matter for themselves. After all, there are a lot of other important and interesting things to which you can devote your life: building a career, learning foreign languages, traveling the world, and so on. People who successfully realize themselves in another field, it would seem, do not need children at all. After all, kids require a lot of time, which parents are not at all ready to devote to them - they are too busy. Therefore, getting married is one thing, but having children is completely different. Children constantly require care and love, which means that because of them you will have to give up all your other dreams and desires. If the family does not take first place in a person’s priorities, he will allow himself to have only one child and will not constantly think only about how to make the little man happy. The child, most likely, will not be the most desirable and will appear simply because it is supposed to be so. However, this is not the only reason why parents want only one baby. Sometimes people simply cannot imagine how it is possible to love someone else other than their firstborn. Parents want their child to have everything, to never have to share and to learn to live in society. They simply love their son or daughter so much that they are ready to devote their lives entirely to him or her, without sharing emotional attachment with anyone else. And there is little good in this either.

It doesn’t matter why you decided to have a child: just for the sake of order or because of a sincere desire to become a parent and love for children. The important thing is that having only one baby is not the best idea.

Socialization

If there are several children growing up in a family, it is easier for them to socialize, because in this case the process occurs every second, and not just when the child is in kindergarten, school or on the playground. The child constantly learns to share, resolve conflicts and seek compromises; he understands that he is not the only person who deserves attention. Children who have siblings have better communication skills than those who are the only children in the family. In addition, a child from a large family learns to communicate with people faster, because he always has a good example in front of him in the form of brothers and sisters. Even if children in such a situation grow up almost completely isolated from their peers and other people, they still improve their communication skills. They know what hierarchy is, they know how to respect their elders, they understand when to stand up for themselves and how best to do it. The only child in the family, even if his parents do not limit his communication with other people, as a rule, still socializes more difficult and slower than those for whom this process occurs almost continuously.

Selfishness

The only child in a family almost always grows up to be selfish, especially if his parents love him and didn’t have him “just to be.” He always gets all the tastiest things in the house, he doesn’t need to share toys with anyone, all attention is always turned to him. The little man has no idea that he can only be the center of the universe for his closest relatives, but not for every person on earth. Therefore, growing up, such people become real egoists. Of course, this has its advantages, but communicating with such a person is real torture. He does not understand the word “no”, constantly insists that he is right, demands a lot from people and is never ready to give anything in return. It is incomprehensible to an egoist why another person refuses to go on his legal day off to help him with repairs, even if he understands perfectly well that he himself will never sacrifice his interests for the sake of the desires of others. Any character traits originate in childhood, which means that the “selfish” person was also raised. In large families, cases of selfishness are practically rare, because the whole life there is built on mutual assistance, the division of rights and responsibilities. This means that the understanding that he is not the only one in the universe and not the navel of the earth is absorbed by the baby almost with mother’s milk.

Loneliness

Another unpleasant companion of only children in a family is loneliness. Parents and grandparents cannot be around all the time, and even if this happens, they are still not the best playmates and exploration of the world. Most parents are simply unable to understand their children, their interests and motives. All adults want is for their child to sit quietly and not get in the way. At this very time, the baby wants to run, jump, throw out the energy seething in him, ask a lot of questions and, of course, play a lot. And the last thing I would like to do is do this alone, but adults are too busy with their lives to devote time to such “nonsense.” Of course, there are other children, but it is not always possible to meet them outside kindergarten and schools, especially if parents are too protective of their beloved “child”. Therefore, a child, if he is the only one in the family, periodically, or even constantly, suffers from loneliness. In the best case scenario, for a boy or girl, the lack of communication with people can be replaced by pets, but still, this is not the same at all. Any people constantly need to communicate, and if there is no one nearby with whom a child could share experiences and explore the world, he grows up with a bunch of complexes and a constant feeling of emptiness inside that cannot be filled.

Psychologists assure that life is much more difficult for only children in a family than for those who have always had brothers or sisters nearby. Yes, you have to constantly share everything with them, but in return the kids receive much more: socialization skills and support in difficult times. Only children most often grow up with a bunch of complexes, problems in communication and with a feeling of loneliness gnawing at them because of this. Therefore, if you still decide that you need children, you should not give birth to only one baby. Take care of yourself and your family, post comments with your opinions, share your experience, if any. You can talk about the article in in social networks by clicking on the corresponding buttons and

Friends, everyone is welcome! come in don't be shy! PARENTS AND TEACHERS

Oh, there were five of us in the family - I was wrong!

There were four of us in the Family, we had a wonderful childhood, a big, friendly family. Now I have 4 children, they don’t bother me, I don’t bother them, and the older ones play with the younger ones all the time, they’re already tired of dragging them around, on the contrary, I tell the older ones - leave them alone))

I have enough of a clear example of a husband who has nothing to remember from his childhood other than his younger brothers... The only reason to sneak out of the house to play with friends is to go graze a cow. He doesn’t want to remember or talk about his childhood.

I was alone in the family. Bliss.

Super! A guide to management... 😂

The woman in the video with priorities has some kind of major problem...

Yes, you can give a bunch of examples that are off topic. I am only talking about this miraculous phenomenon in this particular conversation. I admit that having many children had such prerequisites as the lack of contraception, the need for labor in the future, high mortality and disadvantages in the form of poor health of the mother, possible hunger, etc.
But. The conversation is about the relationships between children in such a family. About their responsibility for each other, attention, development of personal qualities, etc. and so on

Did you give birth and score? I’m 4 years old, I’m still with them, because taking care of the younger ones is not the responsibility of the older children🤗 On their own initiative, with pleasure, but this is rare, what interest does a 7-year-old have in playing with his one-year-old for longer than 3 minutes? So the propaganda of having many children is good, but it must be clarified that this is all 15 minutes for the whole day 😂 And the rest of the time is the same as from 1 only 2-3 times in parallel 😂

That's it! I also think that mutual assistance is mandatory 👍 This is what makes young children good, responsible and caring parents in the future. This is what family is.

Well, you’re exaggerating😊there are three of us too. It was a wonderful childhood! Here they showed that video that everyone is busy with each other, everyone is playing together, everyone is interested! This is true! If, of course, you are 15 and you have a brother, then you consider yourself like a second mother, and how should you react to this. And if the difference is small, then it is ““in general”” as in the video😉

And in Rus' there was cohabitation, but now for some reason it is not considered normal)))

Guess what. What kind of pampering about “every child has a childhood as if he were the only one in the world.” This only happens in a family with 1 child, and this also has disadvantages. All children in Rus' always grew up in large families and among peasants and boyars, and had responsibilities and duties according to their age. This is socialization. And this, by the way, is called family. And not to raise egoists with an “ideal childhood”, one or three in a family, not bound together by anything except a nominal brotherhood by blood and games of choice.

In a family, everyone must help each other. This instills good qualities.

You need to give birth for yourself, and not for older children. Parents are responsible for their children, not their brothers. When they want, they grow up and give birth to their own. And as a child, they should have a carefree childhood, and not so that you want to go out with friends and not you can because mom said until you put your younger brother to bed you won’t go anywhere.

Come on, come on, the eldest and the one from the large family, they didn’t take anything, on the contrary, time flew by and I spent my childhood very happily, during the day I went for walks with my brothers and with my friends (many also had brothers and sisters), we threw them down for us and went to the river and just walked and play - the little ones among themselves and everyone looked, responsible bvli, not like now - no shit, I don’t have to... and in the evening the little ones go home and continue to walk, at the same time they helped their parents with chores and didn’t fart, both in the garden and around home...my childhood was great

“When is the second time?”

The first time we heard this question was when our son was one year old. And not from relatives, no. The pediatrician asked it to me at the clinic where Tima and I go. What followed was a speech about a child who should not grow up to be selfish.

This was the first “swallow”. With varying degrees of intrusiveness and different intonations - from indignant to surprised - they have been asking me this question for four years. Sometimes it seems: one more time and someone will be in serious trouble.

Photo by Andrea Mackey Photography/Moment/GettyImages

I am not alone in my emotions.

“My son is already 19, and they still tell me that it’s time to give birth to a second one,” laments 39-year-old Anna. - I may already be preparing to become a grandmother. And some, it turns out, are dreaming and see me as a young mother. No one thinks about the fact that I am no longer 18 and that I may physically no longer be able to give birth. When I try to talk about age, they retort me: well, Kudryavtseva gave birth.”

How convenient it is: from the outside, offering people new additions to their families. And what? There is housing, there is money, what else do you need to be happy?

Without disputing the fact that children are unconditional happiness, and admiring mothers of many children, of which now, fortunately, there are more and more of them, we decided to understand why such questions often hurt very deeply, and to formulate these not the most obvious, but very reasonable reasons: why the family decided to limit itself (even if temporarily) to one child.

1. Don't wait for help

Olga and Kirill have no close relatives in Moscow. He is from Vladivostok, she is from the Stavropol Territory. Grandmothers see their little grandson two or three times a year: they have neither the time nor the money to travel more often. But when they arrive, the parents have a holiday - they can go out somewhere together. And remember that they also have their own interests.

“If one of the grandmothers moved here, I would not hesitate to give birth to a second child,” says Olga. - I understand that for some this may not be an argument, but we really need someone’s help. Wherever we go, Artemka is with us - shopping, in a cafe, on a visit. But sometimes you want to be one-on-one. Or the situation: the husband is on a business trip, the child is sick. It’s not even trivial to go to the pharmacy or to the store. I'm waiting for Artem to go to kindergarten, maybe it will become a little easier. But for now, I’m not ready to give birth to a second one in such a situation.”

Photo: Westend61/Getty Images

2. Body vs.

“Out of nine months, I spent five in hospitals,” recalls Svetlana. - Yulechka was very difficult for me: the hematologist’s office was my home. The birth took a long time; in total, I was in labor for a day and a half. I didn’t even want to let my husband near me for a year after this: I just shuddered.”

Now relations in the family seem to have improved, and the husband suggests that his wife think about replenishing the family. Sveta is afraid to experience this again. But he doesn’t really want to talk about it. And he voices this version out loud:

“If the second pregnancy is just as difficult, then Yulechka will not see me at all for several months. And when I’m home, I won’t even be able to hold my daughter in my arms. I think that she is still too young for such a “test.”

3. A child is not glue for broken hearts.

“When my husband and I quarrel, many people tell us, they say, you need to give birth to a second one,” continues Svetlana. “I immediately remember the story of my sister, who decided as a child to “stick together” a falling apart family. Now I’m alone with two children.”

Sveta admits: she is not sure that her marriage has a long and happy future. The husband turned out to be not at all the caring dad she imagined him to be. And a woman on maternity leave is the most defenseless creature on the planet. Sveta is not yet ready to trust her man again.

Photo by izusek/E+/Getty Images

4. Live for yourself

The son of Yura and Tatyana is already fourteen.

“And all these fourteen years, all the relatives have been waiting: “Well, when?” the couple laughs. - Never. One child is enough for us. Maybe we should have given birth to a second one when Sanka was little. Yes, somehow it didn’t work out. And now he is already a small man with whom you can communicate as equals. We have just begun to live not for him, but with him. There is no great desire to go through baby diapers from scratch. We now have just enough money to live with sufficient comfort. I also don’t want to squeeze myself, lose part of my income, or infringe on my elder.”

Well, same opinion. And it also has a right to exist.

5. Special children

Inga admits: she envies women who, having given birth, are not quite healthy child, decide to take this path again. Inga has one and only daughter. The girl was born with cerebral palsy. Inga really wants a son, but the fear that the second child will also be sick is stronger than her desire.

Tatiana lost her twins a week before giving birth. An intrauterine infection claimed the lives of unborn babies in just a few hours. To decide to try again, the woman needed five years, work with a psychologist and the active support of loved ones.

These days, you won't be surprised by having just one child. Everyone understands that in addition to the responsibility in upbringing, parents are responsible for the financial security of the child - the opportunity not only to feed and clothe, but also to educate, develop, and give a prosperous future. This is precisely what is a common reason for refusing to have subsequent children.

I also often hear the following words:

“All my love to him alone. If there are two, they will quarrel and compete. And one always knows that the whole world is for him!”

There is logic to this. But immediately threats will pour in from experienced, many-children and “older” comrades. Like, The only child is selfish! Not fit for life! Doesn't know how to find a common language! It's been sitting on my parents' necks all my life! Etc. Please add if you heard anything else.

I was the only child in the family. And when I hear such words, I immediately want to “curl my face” and send him away. What stereotypes!

The most interesting thing is that psychologists also told us about the “wrongness” of raising only one (Soviet and several years of the post-Soviet period). Modern science has gone further. She learned to distinguish between the concepts of “selfishness” and “ healthy self-esteem“,” “to be weak” and “to be able to ask for help,” “to be able to speak succinctly” and “to be withdrawn.”

Fears about raising one child are nothing more than myths. However, they can also be confirmed if the parents themselves contribute to this.

• Will grow up to be selfish. Perhaps the most common version of horror stories. “He doesn’t know how to share, he only thinks about himself, about his own benefit, the “navel of the earth” that no one loves.” Reluctance to share is the norm, both for an only child and for any other .

Why blame him? To be a monopolist of some particularly important thing means to show everyone its value. You wouldn't share your husband with your sister or girlfriend, would you?

Thinks only about himself - this can happen in the case if the parents themselves instilled in him the feeling that HIS desires are more valuable than, for example, his parents’. They comply with any whims, are guided by a child’s behavior, and cannot say “no.” In families where they are taught to understand the feelings and desires of other people, such problems do not happen. Especially if mom and dad show by their example how it is.

• Will be lazy and helpless. When all tasks, assignments and obligations are completed for the child. Overprotection and overprotection prevent the child from becoming independent. This is true. The best thing parents can do is to believe that the child will succeed and not interfere.

Any child in the family (usually the younger ones) who is denied the right to have personal territory and do as he or she chooses can become dependent.

• Doesn't know how to communicate with peers. A real myth! It is due to the fact that the child does not have equally small brothers and sisters, which means that his communication is limited to his parents.

This is possible only in one extreme - when the child spends all his time at home. Those children who walk on the streets, go to kindergartens, development clubs, sport sections and so on - do not have problems with sociability. On the contrary, being “hungry” for friendship, children make friends more quickly and easily than their peers with brothers/sisters.

• The burden of being “perfect”. There is such a thing. Parents pay attention to one child and try to make him into an “exemplary” person.

They work with him a lot, support his talents, and have high hopes. It's hard to say whether this is good or bad. After all, many cope and become truly successful people. However, there are also those who cannot get rid of perfectionism, strive for high performance, no matter what, and “punish themselves” if they do not achieve what they want.

• "Lone wolf". Yes, this is a person who is comfortable with himself. But this does not mean that he will never start a family or leave a friend in trouble.

Only children easily endure loneliness and know how to entertain themselves. Some admit that talking to oneself helps them find peace. They recover and easily overcome difficulties.

These are the most common opinions about raising only children. It is also worth mentioning significant advantages:

1. They are not jealous. In their childhood, there are no situations where they would have to see how mom or dad “choose” a brother/sister to hold/pity/kiss.
2. They have a high level of self-esteem.
3. They can easily ask others for help.
4. They strive to become leaders.
5. Responsible (rely only on themselves).

Already at an older age, I learned that I SHOULD BE a careless egoist. Until that moment, I didn’t even know the term. And you see, she began to behave accordingly. That's what they think of me! Why disappoint people! Mom, of course, quickly put my “brains” in place:) It was not a situation to think only about yourself. When school psychologists gave me a description, it was very offensive. The inner self resisted. But now I am grateful to them. Because I became interested in psychology, as a kind of “offender” who needs to prove the opposite. This is where I learned about patterns and forms given to people without understanding their situation deeply. This encouraged me to study relationships further.

One should not think that children who grew up without sisters and brothers have exceptional advantages, and this is a panacea for education successful people. Of course not. There are lazy people, dependent people, “mama’s boys,” unbalanced people, and other people. Like any other children born . A lot depends on the atmosphere in which the child grew up, on the attitude of the parents towards him and each other, as well as on the impressions, emotions and experiences that happened to him in childhood.

Every baby is unique. There is no need to give up and succumb to stereotypes, like, “ahh, since you were one child, then everything is clear.” Can not understand anything! Look at the person as a whole, and not at individual pieces of his life!