What will happen if you allow parents to climb into the family relationships of children. Conflicts in a young family: why does the mother-in-law provoke them and how to appease her? Mother-in-law wants to destroy the family

Husbands often complain to others that "the mother-in-law creeps into our lives, does not give a passage with her advice and nit-picking." Because of such interference in families, conflicts arise, which sometimes even lead to divorce. In this situation, it will be useful for the husband to know how to properly behave with his mother-in-law.

First of all, you need to understand the reasons for such behavior on the part of the mother-in-law. Often this is due to the unwillingness to let the daughter go adult life and come to terms with the fact that her mother no longer plays a central role for her. The daughter now has her own family, and the mother, whether she wants it or not, fades into the background. This does not mean at all that the daughter began to love her mother less, she just became an adult, she now has her own family, which needs to devote time and effort. But the mother-in-law climbs into the family, wanting to return everything to its previous course. In this situation, for her, her son-in-law is a competitor and an invader that needs to be fought.

To cope with the problem, both members of the new family must acknowledge the problem and try to cope with it. The daughter must finally understand that she is no longer a child, she now has her own family, for which she needs to fight. And the husband should support the young wife and guide her along this path. If the mother-in-law begins to attack the son-in-law, the daughter, in no case, should not allow this. With all possible delicacy, she should make it clear to her mother that she takes the side of her husband. At the same time, one should not succumb to the manipulations that a mother resorts to like: “I devoted my whole life to you. You're ungrateful" and so on.

You should be extremely careful when trusting your mother-in-law with the upbringing of grandchildren. Still, the main word should be for the parents, it is they who should decide how to raise children. It is necessary to immediately establish clear rules and make it clear to the mother-in-law that they will be respected in any case.

It happens that the husband is offended that the wife listens to her mother, allows her to interfere in the life of a young family. Such a wife should take a clear position, decide on whose side she is on, and try to act as a peacemaker in the mother’s relationship with her soulmate. It must be remembered that constantly taking the side of the mother, such a woman risks being left without a husband and living her whole life without building a strong family. A subtle psychological move in such conflicts, defending her husband, calls her position “we”, making it clear that the young family is one whole.

No matter how difficult it is, you need to try to find a separate housing. Then many problems will be removed by themselves. At a distance, it is easier to maintain normal relations, and the struggle for territory between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law will stop. It is best that the new housing is located at a sufficient distance from the parents' apartment. Otherwise, it is likely that the mother-in-law will visit regularly. Sometimes such an obsession with a mother-in-law on a child and his new family is connected with her own unsettled personal life. In this case, you can try to find her a soul mate, or at least a hobby.

There is a custom in Latin America. If the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law walk towards each other on a narrow path, the mother-in-law is obliged to lie down on it, and the daughter-in-law must go straight along the mother-in-law. And in Polynesia, the mother-in-law has the right to follow her son-in-law only when his traces are washed away by three sea waves.

It is impossible to "wean" your mother-in-law to steer in your house. All conversations with her about this will only further increase the negative that this lady brings to her daughter's family.

You have two ways out of this situation in your own family. Or tolerate the presence of the mother-in-law, or close her "visa-free access" to the house.

If you choose option number 2, put a question to your wife point-blank. Say that you married her, and you didn’t take her mother as a burden to your daughter. Let him choose. Or communication with mom when visiting each other (which is also limited family holidays), or communication with my mother as a divorced woman.

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What to do if the mother-in-law constantly interferes in family life?

Please evaluate the actions of your mother-in-law correctly. Every mother wishes her child only happiness. A caring mother tries to help, but only does it in her own way, as she sees fit. People of different age categories often do not understand each other. The younger generation believes that parents interfere in their lives. The older one does this only out of the best of intentions. Mom wants to help your family, to protect, protect from mistakes, perhaps from which she herself once suffered.

I understand that this annoys you, you do not need it, but unfortunately, your mother-in-law will not understand you if you tell her everything directly, she may be deeply offended. Your wife will also be offended by your attitude towards her mother.

You can accept such mother-in-law's behavior as inevitable, because parents are not chosen, and mothers-in-law get in addition to their beloved wives.
Sometimes turn some advice into a harmless joke. Show your mother-in-law more often that you respect her. Do not try to immediately accept her instructions with hostility, but be more flexible, agree on something. Then you can say that you tried, for example, to do something, but it didn’t work out.

There is another important reason, based on which the mother-in-law can fit into your family. She may feel that she has the right to do this if she helps you financially, or if your family lives in her apartment. In order to get rid of extraneous interference, one must be completely financially independent from this person. Then you can still try to voice some of your demands, but, of course, it is worth solving this problem in a peaceful way.

Communicate with your mother-in-law more often, stay ahead of your care for the family, her attempts to infiltrate with your advice.

This will be difficult to do if she has been doing this for a long time. This requires a lot of perseverance and perseverance from you.

It has become a habit for her and it’s not easy to wean it off. Moreover, it depends on the mother-in-law herself. There are people who are used to holding everything in their hands. (here is your mother-in-law, most likely, such). Then your desire will not lead to anything on the road. And discord in the family is guaranteed.
Choose. Is it worth it?
In general, everything will depend on your wife. Whose side is she on? If it's with you, then everything will work out.
You just need to leave (if you live together) - this is the main condition. If you live separately, it's easier here. Try by hook or by crook to make sure that she visits you as little as possible.

Over time, he will get used to it and stop putting pressure on you.
Or maybe something else is the reason? Maybe she needs someone else (for example, a man to already "work with him", and not with you). Will switch to another object and will not be up to you ...
Think!
But do not cut drastically. You can offend a person.

How to wean mother-in-law to climb into someone else's family life?

The easiest way to wean the mother-in-law to climb into family life is to resolve this issue territorially. If you live in her apartment, then you should not be surprised at all that she will interfere in your personal life.

A common mistake is to buy or rent a property nearby. The mother-in-law will come to visit very often and tell the couple what to do.

So you need to buy or rent a house as far away from your mother-in-law as possible. Sometimes it's even better to go to another city, if possible.

But do not think that your mother-in-law is special. Almost all mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law interfere in the life of a married couple, sometimes unconsciously.

Do not limit the wife in communicating with her mother. It would be better for her to talk to her mother for an hour on the phone than for her mother-in-law to come in for a few hours.

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Is it possible to wean the mother-in-law to climb into your family?

It is simply impossible to wean a person who has already taken place for a long time with a large baggage of life experience. It's like forcing a cat to become a dog. The only way out is to find your own approach to this person. In no case do not sport and do not bring the matter to a scandal. If the mother-in-law is already very old, give her a small "discount" and respect her age. Since you are so lucky with her, you will have to develop a special communication tactic. Learn to be a psychologist. If you live on its territory, you may not be surprised who is the boss in the house. Young families simply need to live separately, in order to avoid conflicts, but there is no getting away from them, and in very rare cases mothers-in-law are silk. Their units.

Find your way to it.

First of all, you need to understand the reasons for such behavior on the part of the mother-in-law. Often this is due to the reluctance to let the daughter go into adulthood and come to terms with the fact that the mother no longer plays a central role for her. The daughter now has her own family, and the mother, whether she wants it or not, fades into the background. This does not mean at all that the daughter began to love her mother less, she just became an adult, she now has her own family, which needs to devote time and effort. But the mother-in-law climbs into the family, wanting to return everything to its previous course. In this situation, for her, her son-in-law is a competitor and an invader that needs to be fought.

There is a custom in Latin America. If the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law walk towards each other on a narrow path, the mother-in-law is obliged to lie down on it, and the daughter-in-law must go straight along the mother-in-law. And in Polynesia, the mother-in-law has the right to follow her son-in-law only when his traces are washed away by three sea waves.

The mother-in-law should remember that true wisdom is to allow the child to grow up and live his life. Otherwise, all her guardianship and care will not help make her daughter happier, but, on the contrary, will instill in her inferiority and a sense of her own inferiority.

So, Shortly about myself: 30 years old, higher education, I work, I get a decent salary, by the standards of my regional center, I have never been married before, I just dated.

Civil wife: 29 years old, worked in the same company with me, higher education, before me she already lived with a man whom she almost married - it didn’t work out (from those crumbs that I heard - the former common-law husband drank, did not work anywhere and was a "real bastard" ).

My relationship with a loved one has reached a deep impasse. I will try to explain everything in detail and as unbiased as possible. Two years ago I met a girl at work, love affair at work grew into serious relationship the result of which was the birth of a child (it happened a month ago). And it would seem that something more is needed - enjoy the little, grow up a son. In fact, it was in the maternity hospital that I had another conflict with my mother-in-law, which seriously complicated (I'm afraid to write "put an end to") further relations with my wife. This conflict naturally did not occur out of the blue. When I first met my mother-in-law and lived in her house for several months, at the very least I made a small portrait of her:
- does not tolerate other people's opinions to the point that he can raise a hand against a person
- divorced twice (reason - see first paragraph)
- inadequate behavior - she constantly told for the sake of jokes about conflicts with her ex-husbands - she ran after them with an ax, then poured boiling water over them, then she herself received cuffs.

Consciously or unconsciously, I already began to show dislike for this person.

From the very beginning, the mother-in-law showed in every possible way how she madly loves her daughter, or rather loves to control EVERYTHING in her life. It was up to her mother to decide what to buy and what to wear. I naturally didn’t like this (control), so when it came to life together I was categorically determined to live separately. Since intuition suggested: three men lived in this house before you at different times (two husbands of the mother-in-law and the ex-husband of my wife) and no one could stand it, everyone turned out to be reptiles and scum, therefore, to minimize conflicts, it is better to love the mother-in-law from a distance. Deal. My wife and I moved to the 2nd apartment of my parents, where we lived happily for more than a year. Everything seems to be ok. But constant trips to the mother-in-law began - as on duty, we had to go to the mother-in-law on Wednesday after work, and then go home, both weekends - also to her, if "truancy" - we were scolded like a shkolot. My wife took the trips for granted, it slowly began to hurt me. Yes, I also want to note that my wife has younger sister 14 years old (from the second marriage of her mother), whom she loves very much. In fact, the whole social circle of his wife came down to her mother and sister. The family lived closed, all contacts with ex-husbands/dads were kept to a minimum. The children willingly believed that their fathers were the worst bastards and that it was they who were to blame for all their troubles.

In general, three times a week we were obliged to go "to bow" to the mother-in-law. At the same time, my parents live in the house next door to our apartment with my wife, but neither they visit us, nor even we visit them so often. In general, different outlooks on life. I did not like it, but I expressed my dissatisfaction only to my wife. It never came to open conflicts with the mother-in-law. Yes, I also want to note that the mother-in-law is manic WANTED two things from me:
1. that I help my wife give birth to her (mother-in-law) grandson (it got to the point that I jokingly told my wife that her mother perceives me only as a male inseminator);
2. marry her daughter.

And now the wedding is scheduled for the end of August last year, at our work everyone already knows about it, they even started collecting money for a gift. And then I was SUCCESSFUL for the first time in my life to turn to a psychotherapist. The fact is that throughout the year I suffered from insomnia from time to time. The cause of insomnia was both stressful work and a conflict that I had to endure a year earlier (a fight). Insomnia was not something from the category of unbearable, I endured it and calmly experienced it, from time to time I coped folk remedies(valerian, hot baths). But there was a wedding on the nose and on this crucial day I wanted to look cheerful, so I got on the Internet for advice and he gave me the only right decision - to contact a psychotherapist. At the first appointment, the psychotherapist offered two treatment options: through conversations and hypnosis, or through pills. The second method, in his words, gave an instant effect. I saw no reason why to wait, plus by this time at work I had already heard a couple of stories from colleagues that they also turned to psychotherapists with similar problems. In general, I chose tablets. Yes, at the same time, before going to the “psycho”, I told my wife everything and informed her when I bought the pills .... As it turned out, I did it in vain. The wife, without hesitation, told her mother about it. And she naturally raised a panic, the result of which was calls to my parents, where she openly declared to them that their son was a drug addict, a psycho and that he did not belong next to her daughter. My parents also panicked and started calling me asking how it happened, why I take drugs, etc. In general, I also had to explain and reassure them. I took sleeping pills and sedatives, their main side effect was drowsiness during wakefulness. Those. from the outside, a person with a huge imagination could see me as a drug addict stoned. Although this did not affect my work in any way and no one made any comments to me about my behavior / well-being. On the same day, the mother-in-law came to work with us and, in an ultimatum form, told her daughter that she was picking her up. I was already aware of her arrival - my parents told me about it by phone when they called me to find out how I had sunk into "drug addiction". Yes, I also want to note that a few days before this, my mother-in-law took us to some familiar fortune-teller, and she, looking at my wife and I, told us that we would not have common children, that I - ATTENTION - had problems with AIDS ( WERE!), well, and in order to finally drive a nail into the coffin of our relationship with my wife, she said that I was walking. In general, the fortuneteller guessed exactly what her mother-in-law advised her (100% she already considered me the "destroyer" of her family) with an eye on "maybe the daughter will listen to the opinion of the clairvoyant and understand that there is nothing to catch with this type."

So, my wife calls me and in a trembling voice asks me to drive up to the city center to talk to her mother. Naturally, I did not agree that my wife was being taken away from me (knowing my mother-in-law and her hypnotic influence on my children, I REALLY understood that everything could end there), but at the same time I did not want to keep her. I was for freedom of choice. We started talking in raised tones (no swearing on my part), I was again accused of being crazy, drug addict, AIDS, all this was accompanied by swearing. I replied that her daughter is not a thing, so taking her daughter away without her desire is dishonest and wrong. As a result, the mother-in-law shouted to her daughter all over the street: "Choose either me or him." The wife chose me. Mother-in-law went home swearing after us. We decided that we would sign anyway, but after a couple of weeks, when my wife reconciled with her mother, she still persuaded her not to sign with me. I did not like it, although initially I was not particularly eager to sign. But in general, I didn’t care, I loved my wife and wanted her to be next to me, and the stamp in the passport is not the main thing. I saw the same thing with her. After this conflict, there were reconciliations with the mother-in-law, there were scandals, and each time the scandals were more and more serious. My wife wanted to have a baby no matter what. "I'm tired of working, I want to rest and collect my thoughts; I'm almost 30 years old, and the older I get, the more difficult it will be for me to give birth," she told me. I loved her, I saw that together we would become excellent parents, so I had nothing against this desire. She is my smart girl and a very sensible, adult, mature girl. At least that's what it seemed to me... We started working on the baby, and right after the last new year, the pregnancy test showed a positive result. Yes, but on myself New Year my mother-in-law and I had another conflict: my wife and I agreed that we would celebrate the New Year at her mother’s, and at about 2 in the morning we would take a taxi and go to congratulate my parents. The wife warned her mother. And so we sit at the table, drink, eat salads and sweets, talk, and when it was time to leave, the mother-in-law again wedged: a stream of obscenities, unrelated speech, and my wife and I were literally pushed out into the street. In general, the wife was lucky again alone with the good news about pregnancy. By this time, I was finally convinced that I would not be able to find a common language with my mother-in-law - for her, I will always be the person who dared to take her daughter, "destroy" her family, dared to argue with her and even in raised tones. After the conflict in NG, something changed in me, for the first time I really began to regret that I decided to have a child so headlong. We still had to live together, get used to each other. But my wife seemed to feel that we would not last long. I think she hoped that the child would calm her mother a little. To be honest, that's what I was hoping for.

I am such a person that if someone raises their voice at me, I automatically raise it in response. The mother-in-law is used to the fact that if she screams at her daughters, then in response they either remain silent or cry. In general, during pregnancy, my wife lived with me 5 days a week, but on Wednesdays and weekends, like a bayonet, she went to her mother. I didn’t like it, but I consoled myself with the thought that I’m not the first and I’m not the last who has problems and conflicts with my mother-in-law, in the end, I observed similar conflicts both among colleagues at work, and among acquaintances, and among my parents. Plus, before pregnancy, we SERIOUSLY and FOR ADULT I talked with my wife and agreed that we would bring up and raise the little one separately from the mother-in-law - in my apartment. So we lived almost until my wife went on maternity leave. About 2 weeks before maternity leave my wife, having arrived once again from my mother, confronted me with the fact that she would need to live for some time at home - to look after her younger sister, since my mother SUDDENLY decided to go to the sea for a part-time job. I didn’t particularly like it, but there was nowhere to go and my wife moved to my mother-in-law’s house. I did not want to move on a permanent basis, until I tried on my mother-in-law, I decided that it would be ugly. But periodically remained on the alert. My wife's sister, of course, a mountain for my mother, treated me with disdain. I tried not to notice it and not to provoke a conflict in any way. I, in turn, was generally unpleasant to be there, remembering how I was repeatedly kicked out of this house. After 2 weeks, my mother returned from the sea, disappointed in the part-time job found (I am generally tormented by vague doubts whether she went anywhere?). By this time, my wife had already safely gone on maternity leave and told me that she ASKED my mother to be allowed to stay with her until the birth and after the birth for about 2 months. To my comments that they say I'm not happy here, which would not hurt consult with me For starters, the wife shrugged her shoulders. Like if you don't like it, that's your problem. It didn't just hurt me, it really humiliated me. They didn't even want to talk to me. There is 0 interest in me. In general, it seemed that from me she received everything she needed - pregnancy, and I had to twist and wriggle in front of my mother-in-law somehow myself. At the same time, I saw that she was trying to reconcile us with her mother-in-law. For example, for the first time I came to my mother-in-law's house after the New Year's scandal, I went into the house - there was a mother-in-law and her youngest daughter - I said: "Good afternoon!" day!" To which her mother and daughter are already holding out in response: "Kind!" I then thought: "Wow mother (this is how I sometimes call my wife), well done, you protect." I was pleased. But in general, no one talked to me, when I came to my wife after work, my mother-in-law with her youngest daughter defiantly went to another house and left us alone. I also did not want to start the conversation first, remembering how unpredictable my mother-in-law is and that the resulting scandal could negatively affect the well-being of my pregnant wife. I told my wife that I didn’t intend to completely move to live in this situation (I still had resentment that my wife began to make important decisions regarding our relationship with her). family life independently - or rather with a discussion with my mother - without discussing them with me) and that we have a place to live with her and that THE MOST IMPORTANT I reminded her of our conversation before we decided to have a baby. I then asked her where we would raise the child - living here in my apartment, or would my wife want to raise the child with her mother at home. The wife answered in the affirmative that she is here with you. Now, with square eyes, the wife innocently declared that she DOES NOT REMEMBER she did not make such a conversation and such promises. To be honest, at that moment I wanted to hit my head against the wall with a running start. Her promise to "raise a child here with me in my home" has essentially vanished into nothing. I believed her, but she DECEIVED me. My loved one deceives me without batting an eyelid. But if there hadn’t been this promise, there wouldn’t have been this child ... in general, then I already realized that I had completely lost the right to vote in my young family and it would only get worse and worse. Then there was the most important conflict with my mother-in-law during which she broke my head with a plate. I was drinking tea with my wife, tired after work, when suddenly my mother-in-law came up to me and started shouting that I should take money for C-section her daughters. They say the bastard knocked up, now let's pay the money. Naturally, I didn’t like this behavior, my wife and I are not small children: even before pregnancy, we began to debug money and by that time we had already accumulated a decent amount. My wife never hinted at me that I should bring this money to her, although I asked her about it. In general, my mother-in-law answered in raised tones, without obscenities, that I wouldn’t bring her a penny, for which she began to insult me, grabbed the first object that came to hand and slammed me on the head with it. Wife in hysterics, 9 months pregnant. I put on some clothes, hobbled to the door and left. And the most offensive thing is that when I left, I told my mother-in-law that I love her daughter, that I would like to meet my old age with her. My mother-in-law smiled impudently at me in response, but my wife was simply silent, crying and did not say ANYTHING. It pricked me ... Was she afraid of her mother's wrath, or maybe she didn’t particularly believe in our love with her? Before giving birth, I actually didn’t see her, since my wife completely refused to move back to me (“You’re bored, you’re at work, what will I do at home alone,” she told me.), And naturally I didn’t want to provoke my mother-in-law already did not visit her. Then there was a birth, I came every day to the maternity hospital, brought everything I needed. I paid for the services of the maternity hospital, paid for gifts to doctors. But when on the day of discharge I crossed paths with my mother-in-law in the hospital, I could not stand it and told her everything that I think about her. He said that it was vile and vile to get into our relationship, that all this time she was actively trying to divorce us with her wife, and now she grabbed her grandson (the wife was in a separate ward and the mother-in-law did not leave either her wife or our child all day long) . Again, he said everything in a raised voice. After the last conflict with a broken plate, my wife promised me that after giving birth she would immediately move to me. I just made an appointment at work and took almost a month's vacation. But just before meeting my mother-in-law in the maternity hospital, my wife told me that she decided to live with her mother for at least the first month. It just pissed me off. I really understood that I couldn’t live with my mother-in-law, I didn’t want to conflict with her anymore. My wife actually spent the last three months of her pregnancy outside of me and here she was going to live without me for at least a month. Moreover, I was aware, based on my wife's previous departures, that a month could be followed by a second month, and then a third, fourth, and so on. Wife after childbirth conflicts were useless. Therefore, I told my mother-in-law everything that I think about her. She swallowed. I was visibly relieved. I took my wife to my mother-in-law. And he left saying that I will not live with her. My wife was naturally fed up with all this and she said that if you don’t want to live here, no one keeps you here. One day we did not call her. On the second day after discharge, I called, she offered to drive up to her house and discuss everything. I decided to go to the world. He came once again to ask for forgiveness from his mother-in-law, hoping that for the first time she would also say that she was wrong. He said that he loved his wife and would like to spend the vacation already taken at work with his wife and newborn son. To which he received a resounding "no". My wife was also silent ... After a couple of hours I was politely asked to leave. The next day I came again, this time there was only my wife and the boy at home, I stayed with them and brought children's things that my parents and acquaintances handed over. Here, my wife herself asked me to leave, since my mother and her younger sister were soon to return, and she did not want to provoke a conflict. I left. But I decided that I would still visit her daily - still on vacation. Perhaps the mother-in-law will depart a little. Didn't leave. The third time I came to my wife, they didn’t let me stay with her for even a couple of minutes: my mother-in-law, having flown into the room, defiantly showed me the way out. To all my requests that this is my wife, this is my child, please give me the opportunity to see them. I heard swearing, saw blows and they told me that they would not give me anyone. And what is most offensive - the wife was silent again. Not to understand that your life is controlled by your mother, and you are almost 30 years old. Say calmly to your mother: “Mom, I love you, but Vanechka should grow up in a full-fledged family with dad and mom, and it’s dishonest and unfair to my common-law husband, not to let him see his son. In the end, mom, you You don't want to hurt me, do you want me to be happy?" Instead, she willingly accepts that her mother turns her life around as if it were her own. And now the little one has recently turned a month old, the wife is not in a hurry to move back to me, or even show the baby. I'm not allowed to see her. Yes, and the wife asks not to come. My parents haven't seen the baby yet either. The mother-in-law has been zabbaricoded in her private house and does not let anyone in there. I was already all worried, everyone went to work asking how the baby is, how the wife is, and I don’t want to tell anyone about what happened, so I have to blatantly lie that everything is fine. Relations with my wife also deteriorated after my last two conflicts with my mother-in-law. I just constantly ask when she has already decided, I remind her of our conversation before the birth and her promise, I say that we are adults and the conflict with the mother-in-law is not a reason to leave. I suggest that I come and pick her up. She does not want. In general, she doesn’t want me to come to her mother’s house, so as not to provoke a conflict. Now he is already declaring that he wants to think about our future relationship. I was already tired of reminding her that when we were planning a child, we had no idea that her mother would get into our relationship so much, we initially agreed that we would raise the baby together, and now it turns out that the mother-in-law completely took her grandson into her own hands . What exactly this was the reason for my last conflicts with my mother-in-law. The wife indulges the mother in every possible way. To all my statements that life is a child we both gave and that I have the same rights to the child with her, ALREADY declares that she has more rights to him because she carried him for 9 months, gave birth (you can immediately see - my mother's school, she also sang about the rights of her ex-husbands on their common children). AT general conversation with his wife does not work at all. Yesterday, when I heard from her on the phone that she had already given birth to a child exclusively for herself, I just lost the last crumbs of faith in her and in our love ......

In general, this is the story. Sorry that it can be chaotic and wrote with youthful maximalism. I can’t eat, insomnia has rolled such that the previous one is just baby talk. I come home, and here I am alone. Saved by my parents and my sister. I feel like I HAVE to be with her. But at the same time, she shows with all her behavior that she does not want this ....

UPD: We never signed with my wife. I am officially registered as the father of the child, but my wife, out of mischief, decided to write down the little one in her last name.