John Gray Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. New version for the modern world

With deepest love and tenderness, I dedicate this book to my wife, Bonnie Gray.

Foreword

Barely a week after the birth of our daughter Lauren, Bonnie and I were already exhausted. The child did not let me sleep at night. Bonnie had ruptures during childbirth, so even with pain medication she could barely move around the house. The first five days I spent with her - helped, and then returned to work. The wife seemed to be on the mend.

And so, while I was at work, Bonnie ran out of pain medication. Instead of calling my office, she asked me to buy pills for my brother, who came to check on her. But for some reason, his brother never came back. As a result, she suffered all day, courting the newborn.

I had no idea what a terrible day she had. When I got home, I found Bonnie upset and angry. I misinterpreted her mood - I thought she was blaming me.

“I've been tormented all day,” she complained. - The pills are over ... I'm writhing in pain here, but no one cares!

"But why didn't you call me?" I asked, reflexively going on the defensive.

- I asked your brother, but he forgot! - she said. “I've been waiting for him all day. What was I to do? I can hardly walk. Everyone abandoned me!

And then I exploded. My nerves were on edge that day too. I was angry that she didn't call me. I was furious that she was blaming me, even though I didn't even know she was sick. After a short skirmish, I made my way to the door. I was on edge, I was out of my mind, I was fed up!

And then something happened that radically changed my life.

"Wait, don't go, please," Bonnie begged. Because right now I need you the most. I'm in pain. I haven't been able to sleep well for many days now. Please listen to me.

And I paused to listen.

“John Gray,” she said. - It turns out that you are my friend only on holidays! When I am sweet and gentle, you are ready to be there. And if it’s not right, you just walk away, straight through this door.” She trailed off and her eyes filled with tears, and then her voice softened. - Now I'm in pain. I have nothing to give you and this is the moment I need you the most. Please come and hug me. No words needed. I just need to be in your arms. Don't leave...

I walked over to Bonnie and silently hugged her. She burst into tears. A few minutes later Bonnie thanked me for not leaving. She said that this was all she needed - to be in my arms.

At that moment, I began to discover the true meaning of love - unconditional love. I have always considered myself a person capable of love. But she was right. I'm only a friend on holidays. While Bonnie was happy and sweet, I gave her love in return. But if she was upset or dissatisfied with something, I thought that she was blaming me - and immediately entered into an argument or moved away.

And on that day, for the first time, I did not leave her at such a moment. I stayed close and it was great. I managed to give myself to her just when she really needed me. I thought this was true love. Care about each other. Believe in each other. Substitute your shoulder in the hour of testing. I was just amazed at how easy it was to give her what she needed after she pointed me in the right direction.

How could I not understand this before? All she needed was for me to come up and hug her. Another woman would instinctively know what Bonnie needed. But, being a man, I didn’t know how important touches and hugs are to her, how important it is for her to just speak out and be heard. Having noticed these differences, I have since learned to build relationships with my wife in a new way. Before, I would not have believed how easily we can resolve our conflicts!

In my previous relationships, I became indifferent and callous at difficult moments simply because I did not know how else to behave. As a result, my first marriage was very difficult and painful.

But this case with Bonnie gave me a hint on how I can change the usual communication model.

That episode inspired me to research that has been going on for many years. As a result, I was able to formulate and test the ideas about men and women that are presented in this book. By clearly and pragmatically identifying the differences between men and women, I gradually realized how many problems in my marriage could have been easily avoided. This new understanding of the objective differences that exist between me and Bonnie helped us a lot to enrich our communication - we began to bring each other much more joy.

By constantly looking for and exploring the differences between us, we found new opportunities to improve our life together. We have acquired a knowledge of relationships that our parents did not have, and therefore they could not teach us. When I started sharing these ideas with my clients during counseling sessions, they too were able to improve their marriages. Literally thousands of people who have attended my seminars have since reported that their relationships have changed radically in just one day.

And now, many years later, individual clients and couples continue to report amazing results to us. I often receive photographs in the mail of happy couples and their children, with words of gratitude written on the back for helping to save their marriage. In fact, marriage is saved by love - however, these people could well have divorced if each of them had not learned to understand the representatives of the opposite sex more deeply.

Susan and Jim have been married for nine years. Like most couples, they initially loved each other passionately, but after many years of hardship and disappointment, the passion between them faded away - and they decided to run away. However, before filing for divorce, they attended my relationship seminar. Susan then said: “We tried all the ways to restore our relationship. But we are too different."

And during the seminar, they were surprised to learn that their differences are not just normal, but expected. They realized with satisfaction that other couples are experiencing the same problems in relationships. In just two days, Susan and Jim gained a whole new understanding of the peculiarities of male and female psychology.

And they fell in love again. Their relationship magically changed. There was no longer even a question of divorce - they passionately desired to continue to build a life together. Jim told me, “Information about our differences just gave me my life back. This is the most precious gift I have ever received. We love each other again."

One day, six years later, Susan and Jim invited me to visit, and I was convinced that they still love each other. And they are grateful to me for helping them understand each other - helping to save the family.

Although almost everyone will agree that men and women are different, most people are not entirely clear what, in fact, these differences consist of. Over the past ten years, a lot of books have been published whose authors try to isolate these differences. And although certain successes are evident, most of these books describe the situation one-sidedly and, unfortunately, only exacerbate mutual resentment and mistrust between the sexes. As a rule, the authors proceed from the fact that one sex is a victim of the other. What we need is a comprehensive guide to understand the difference between healthy men and women.

In order to improve relations between the sexes, we need to come to an understanding of our differences that enhances our self-esteem and self-esteem, and at the same time encourages mutual trust, personal responsibility, more active cooperation and love. By interviewing more than 25,000 participants in my relationship workshops, I was able to identify gender differences and positively define them. As you become familiar with these differences, you will watch the walls of resentment and distrust that separated you thin and melt.

When we open our hearts, our capacity for forgiveness increases and our desire to give and receive love and support more generously awakens. I hope that with this new understanding, you will soon even be able to go beyond the material of this book and find new ways to show your love for your partner.

All the ideas and principles in this book have been tried and tested many times over. At least 90% of the 25,000 people I interviewed readily recognized themselves in the descriptions given here. If you find yourself nodding your head while reading this book and saying, “Yes, yes! This is exactly about me,” know that you are not alone. And just like many other people, you can benefit greatly if you put into practice the ideas you learn from reading.

Book " ” reveals new strategies to ease relationship tension and strengthen love. But first, we need to understand in detail the differences between men and women. Below, you'll find practical advice on how to overcome frustrations and dissatisfaction in relationships, bringing more joy and trust into them. Relationships don't have to be struggles. Tension, resentment and conflict are inevitable only when we do not understand each other.

A lot of people are not satisfied with their relationships. Yes, they love a partner, but when tension arises, they don’t know how to fix the situation. And by learning how radically different men and women are from each other, you will learn how to successfully build relationships with members of the opposite sex - listen and provide support. You will learn to create the love you deserve. Reading the book, you will be surprised again and again how people manage to build successful relationships without knowing these principles.

« Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” is a textbook of love relationships. He talks about how differences between men and women manifest themselves in various areas of life. Men and women not only communicate differently, they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, want, and thank differently. Sometimes it seems that they generally came from different planets - and they speak different languages, and their food is different.

This in-depth knowledge of our differences helps us to a large extent overcome mutual disappointment in the process of communicating with the opposite sex and facilitates mutual understanding. We manage to quickly resolve any misunderstandings or even avoid them. We easily correct our unreasonable expectations. If you remember that your partner is radically different from you because he came from another planet, this allows you to relax and turn the differences to your both advantage, instead of rejecting them and trying to eliminate them.

Most importantly, this book will provide you with practical methods for dealing with the problems that arise from your differences. The book not only analyzes the psychological characteristics of each gender, but also offers a set of practical tools for building harmonious relationships.

The truth of the principles set forth here is self-evident and is confirmed by the personal experience of each of us, as well as by considerations of common sense. Numerous examples from life simply and concisely confirm everything that you already knew. These illustrations will help you to be yourself and not lose yourself in relationships.

Commenting on these insights, men often say: “Yes, yes! All this is about me! You were following me, weren't you? Now I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me."

And the women say, “Finally my husband started listening to me! I don't have to fight to be appreciated. When you talk about our differences, my husband understands. Thank you!"

These are just a couple of the thousands of enthusiastic comments that people make after they realize that men come from Mars and women come from Venus. Our program, which aims to understand the opposite sex, gives results that are not only quick and convincing, but long-term.

Naturally, the path to a strong and tender relationship can be thorny. Problems are inevitable. But these challenges can either escalate into resentment and rejection, or turn into opportunities to deepen intimacy and strengthen love, care, and trust. The ideas in this book do not promise "easy solutions" to any problem. They offer only a new approach in which together you can successfully solve life's problems as they arise. This new knowledge will provide you with the tools to get the love you deserve and give your partner the love and support he (or she) deserves.

In the book, I make quite a few generalizations about men and women. Perhaps some of my remarks will seem more true to you than others. After all, each of us is a unique individual with a unique experience. Sometimes in my workshops, couples and individuals report that they identify with the masculine and feminine traits I have described, but exactly the opposite. A man relates himself to feminine traits, and a woman to masculine ones. I call it role exchange and I want to assure you that this is completely normal.

If you can't relate to any of the models described in the book, then either ignore this fact (and pay attention to those models that suit you), or look deeper into yourself. Many men have rejected some of their typically masculine qualities in order to become more gentle and caring. In the same way, many women reject certain typically feminine qualities in order to earn a living in areas where it is the masculine qualities that are rewarded. If this is the case for you, then by applying the tips, strategies, and techniques in this book, you can not only breathe new passion into your relationship, but also balance your own masculine and feminine traits.

In this book, I do not address directly the question why men and women are different. This is a complex question, and many answers can be given, referring to factors such as biological differences, parental influence, education, seniority of children in the family, cultural programming in society, media influence, historical factors, and so on. (I talk about all this in my other book - “ Men, women and relationships».)

Although the practical application of the ideas proposed in the book gives immediate valuable results, the book cannot replace the help of a psychotherapist or family psychologist when it comes to really difficult relationships and dysfunctional families. Even healthy people in difficult times can be very useful to talk with a therapist or psychologist. I really appreciate the gradual qualitative transformation that happens to a person as a result of working with a psychotherapist, family psychologist or in a twelve-step support group.

Yes, I have heard many times from people that this new understanding of relationships has brought them more benefits than years of psychotherapy. However, I believe that these years of working with a psychotherapist or psychologist created the ground that helped them successfully apply our ideas to improve their lives and their relationships.

If a person has been in a dysfunctional relationship in the past, then even after many years of working with a therapist or attending a support group, he needs some kind of positive picture - a model of a healthy relationship. And this book paints that image. On the other hand, even if in the past your relationship was filled with love and mutual care, times are changing, and now we need a new approach to the relationship between the sexes. It is extremely important for us to master new healthy approaches to communication and establishing interpersonal connections.

I believe that the ideas and insights offered in this book will benefit all readers. In all the years of work, I received only one negative feedback from a participant in my seminar: "It's a pity that no one told me about this before."

1. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus

Imagine that men come from Mars and women come from Venus. Once upon a time, the Martians saw Venusian women through their telescopes. From one glance at this beauty, previously unknown feelings flared up in the Martians. They all fell in love, urgently invented spaceships and rushed to Venus.

The Venusians welcomed the aliens with open arms. At the level of intuition, they have long felt that this day will someday come. Their hearts immediately opened up and were filled with love like they had never experienced before.

The love between Martians and Venusians was true magic. They reveled in each other's company, gladly did everything together, shared everything they had ... Belonging to different worlds, they reveled in their differences. Day after day, they studied each other, explored and comprehended: needs, preferences, behavioral patterns ... So they lived together for many years - in love and harmony.

And then they decided to move to Earth. Everything went great at first. But over time, the atmosphere of the Earth strangely affected their brains, and one morning they all lost their memory. Both Martians and Venusians completely forgot that they come from different planets and that being different for them is in the order of things. Everything that they knew about their interspecies differences was simply erased from memory. Since then, men and women have been continuously in a state of conflict.

We are different

Men and women can never get along until they understand that they are supposed to be different. We get angry with each other and disappointed in each other precisely because we have forgotten this fundamental truth.

We expect a member of the opposite sex to be like us. We want this person to “want the same as we do” and “feel the same as we do.”

We mistakenly believe that if a partner loves us, then he (she) will treat us in exactly the same way as we ourselves tend to treat loved ones. This approach leads us to a series of disappointments and prevents us from gently and thoughtfully discussing our objectively existing differences.

Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and respond in the same way as men; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond in the same way that women do. We forgot that men and women are different by nature. As a result, our relations are burdened with completely unnecessary frictions and conflicts.

When we clearly recognize and respect the differences between us, misunderstandings in communication become much less. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, many things fall into place.

Overview of our differences

In the pages of this book, I will talk about our differences in great detail. Each chapter will lead you to new bright insights.

In Chapter 2, we will talk about the fundamental differences in the values ​​of men and women and try to see the two most important mistakes that we make when communicating with each other: men unknowingly offer women solutions to problems, neglecting feelings, while women force unsolicited advice and instructions on men. And knowing that we come from different planets helps us understand why men and women make these mistakes. By being mindful of our differences, we can adjust our behavior and respond more productively to our partner's signals.

In Chapter 3, we will discover the different ways men and women deal with stressful situations. If Martians tend to step back and silently think about what is bothering them, then Venusians instinctively begin to pronounce what is bothering them. And you will get acquainted with new behavioral strategies that allow you to get exactly what you need in these difficult moments.

In Chapter 4, we will look at what is the best motivation for each of the genders. For men it is the feeling of being needed, and for women it is the feeling of being cared for. We outline three steps to better relationships and learn how to overcome our biggest challenges: men need to stop resisting the urge to show their love, and women need to stop resisting their willingness to accept the manifestations of love.

In chapter 5, you will learn that men and women often misunderstand each other because they speak different languages. In the same place we will give a brief "Martian-Venus phrasebook". In it you will find adequate translations of expressions that are most often misunderstood. You will understand that men and women start a conversation for completely different reasons - and for different reasons, they shy away from a conversation. Women will understand how they should behave when a man suddenly falls silent for them, and men will learn to listen to a woman's conversations without getting upset.

In chapter 6, you will find that men and women have different needs for intimacy. After a man goes to rapprochement, he definitely needs to move away. A woman needs to learn to treat him with understanding during these periods of distance, and then the man will inevitably return back - as if they were connected by a rubber band. And women will also learn to choose the best moment when you can talk heart to heart with a man.

In chapter 7 we will look at how a woman's expressions of love fluctuate rhythmically. Men will learn to correctly interpret these sometimes sudden surges of feelings. And they will also be able to recognize the moments when a woman needs them most, and understand how they can show care and support at this time without making special sacrifices.

In chapter 8, you will learn that men and women offer each other the kind of love they need for themselves, not for members of the opposite sex. A man first of all needs trust, acceptance and gratitude. And a woman first of all needs care, understanding and respect. You will learn the most common mistakes when we, without noticing it, push our partner away.

In Chapter 9, we'll look at how to avoid heated arguments. Men learn that when they act like they're always right, they devalue a woman's feelings. Women, on the other hand, will learn how, when they try to express their disagreement, they involuntarily send a signal of disapproval to the man, thereby provoking him to react defensively. We explore the anatomy of an argument, along the way giving practical advice on how to build constructive communication.

Chapter 10 discusses the different scoring systems used by men and women. Men learn that for a Venusian, each gift of love counts equally with other gifts, regardless of size. Instead of focusing on one big gift, a man should remember that small acts of love are just as important; in the same place I list 101 ways to score on the women's credit system. Women will also learn how to properly direct their energy in order to score points in the eyes of a man. In other words, they will learn to give a man exactly what he wants.

In chapter 11, you will learn how to deal with each other during difficult times. We'll look at how men and women hide their feelings (and they do it differently) and discuss why it's important to share your feelings. Next, we will offer you the Love Letter technique, which helps you tell your partner about your negative feelings, as well as find love and forgiveness in your soul.

In chapter 12 you will learn why it is difficult for Venusians to ask for support, and also why Martians sometimes tend to ignore a woman's requests. You will understand why the phrase "can't you?" demotivate men and learn what women should say instead. You will learn the secret of how to get a man to give you more, and you will discover the power of short, straight forward and precise statements.

In chapter 13, I will talk about the four seasons of love. This realistic look at how love changes and grows over time will help you overcome the inevitable obstacles that come with any relationship. You'll learn how your past or your parents' past can influence your relationship in the present, and you'll get other important tips on how to keep the magical flame of love alive.

In each chapter of the book Men are from Mars, women are from Venus» you will learn new secrets that help build strong relationships filled with love. And each new discovery will strengthen your ability to give each other joy and pleasure.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book. John Gray" by Tom Butler-Bowdon is a concise summary of a book known throughout the world. Relationship problems concern almost every person, both men and women. It is very important to understand that there are no completely identical people, everyone has their own values ​​and their own opinion. This understanding alone will avoid many conflicts.

The title of the book says that a man and a woman are creatures from different planets. Of course, this is a figurative expression, but if we imagine that this is the case, that everyone lives in their own way and is not familiar with the world of the other, then it will become easier to accept each other's shortcomings.

Men and women behave differently in the same situation. They rejoice and worry in different ways, get angry in their own way, their attitude to family and work can be radically different, they solve problems in different ways. For example, it is important for a woman to talk. When she does this, she herself becomes better aware of the current situation and the course of further actions. Men, on the other hand, consider such conversations empty chatter, they get annoyed, believing that it is better to say a couple of sentences, but to the point, and start solving the problem without wasting time on hourly retelling and reasoning. And there are many such examples in the book.

The author of this book has collected all the most important things you need to know about relationships in order to learn to understand each other. This book can be read in a very short time, it is well suited for those who feel its deficiency. However, every sentence you write should be carefully considered, and over time you will be able to catch yourself thinking that now you treat people of the opposite sex differently.

The work was published in 2003 by the publishing house: Eksmo. This book is part of the 10 Minute Reading series. On our site you can download the book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. John Gray" in fb2, rtf, epub, pdf, txt format or read online. The rating of the book is 3.08 out of 5. Here, before reading, you can also refer to the reviews of readers who are already familiar with the book and find out their opinion. In the online store of our partner you can buy and read the book in paper form.

Current page: 1 (total book has 26 pages) [accessible reading excerpt: 6 pages]

John GRAY
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

INTRODUCTION

A week after our daughter Lauren was born, Bonnie and I were feeling completely exhausted. At night, the child kept waking us up. During childbirth, Bonnie had severe tears and had to take painkillers. Even walking was very difficult for her. I spent five days at home helping my wife, but then, of course, I had to go back to work. Bonnie seemed to be starting to recover.

When I was not at home, she discovered that she had run out of medicine. Instead of calling me at work, she asked one of my brothers, who had just come to visit her, to get some pills. However, he apparently forgot about the order. As a result, Bonnie was in pain for a whole day, while also having to fiddle with the newborn.

And I had no idea that this day was so terrible for her. Coming home from work, I found my wife unhappy and angry. Not knowing the true reason for Bonnie's condition, I thought that her reproach was addressed to me.

“I’ve been going crazy with pain all day,” she said, “and I ran out of pills ... I barely had the strength to get out of bed, and nobody cares!”

Why didn't you call me? I objected, feeling undeservedly offended.

- I asked your brother, but he, you see, forgot! I waited for him all day. And now what do you want me to do? I can hardly walk. Looks like no one cares about me!

This is where I exploded. Apparently, the tension of the last few days has not gone unnoticed for me either: endurance has betrayed me. I was angry with my wife for not calling me and for blaming me when I didn't even know she was that bad. We exchanged a few sharp words, after which I headed for the door. Tired, irritated, I did not want to hear anything more. We've both reached the limit.

And the next moment marked the beginning of what later changed my whole life.

Bonnie pleaded after me:

- Wait! Please, do not go. Right now I need you more than ever. Everything hurts me. I didn't sleep for several days. Please listen to me.

I stopped—or rather, slowed down.

"John Grey," Bonnie continued, "you're the kind of person who's only a friend in good weather." While I was your tender, loving Bonnie, you were next to me, and now that I can't be like that, you strive to escape through this door.

She fell silent. I turned around and saw that her eyes filled with tears. When the wife spoke again, her voice trembled:

“Now I feel bad, it hurts. Now there's nothing I can give, now I need you. Please come and hug me. You don't have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms supporting me. Do not leave me please.

I walked over and silently hugged her. Bonnie leaned her head against my shoulder and burst into tears. We stood like that for several minutes. Then, calming down a bit, she thanked me for not leaving. “I just needed to feel your touch,” she admitted.

It was at this moment that the true meaning of love began to open to me - unconditional, not dependent on external conditions. I have always considered myself a person capable and able to love. But Bonnie was right. I really turned out to be "a friend in good weather." As long as my wife was sweet and cheerful, I responded with love to her love. But when she was sad or upset, I got irritated, showing my displeasure, or simply moved away from her.

That day was the first time I didn't leave Bonnie alone. And what I experienced in doing so was wonderful. Giving without expecting anything in return, being there when you are truly needed: that's true love, I realized. Take care of the other person. Trust our love. Now that Bonnie told me what to do, I was amazed at how easy it was for me.

How did I not come to this with my mind? After all, she just needed me to come up and hug her. If I were a woman, she would instinctively understand. But I, a man, did not know to what extent this, it turns out, is important: for your hand to feel the touch of the hand of a loved one, for you to be hugged, to be listened to. For the first time, realizing these differences, I took the first step towards understanding, towards a new attitude towards my wife. A day earlier, I would never have believed that we would be able to resolve such conflicts with such ease.

Previously, in my relationships with women, in difficult moments I either showed indifference, or sought to move away - simply because I did not know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage was difficult and caused a lot of pain for me and my wife. And now this incident with Bonnie taught me what to do so that this does not happen again.

He inspired me to seven years of research to get to the bottom of what men and women really are. Studying the differences between them both in practical and in specific terms, I suddenly began to understand that there is no need to turn marriage into a constant struggle. By recognizing the differences between us, Bonnie and I are quite capable of fundamentally changing the nature of our communication and enjoying it much more than before.

Gradually understanding and studying these differences, we have discovered new ways to improve our relations in all areas. We learned things about these relationships that our parents didn't know and therefore couldn't teach us. As I began to share my findings with people who came to me for advice, their family relationships also began to change, enriching themselves greatly. Thousands - literally - of people who attended my Saturday and Sunday seminars noticed rapid and drastic changes in their relationships with partners.

And to this day, seven years later, this sowing continues to bear fruit. I receive photos of happy couples and their children along with letters of gratitude for saving their marriage. Their love kept their marriage for the time being, but the matter would have ended in divorce if they had not gained a deeper understanding of the nature of the opposite sex.

Susan and Jim have been married for nine years. Like most couples, they started with mutual love, but after several years of increasing frustration, the passion faded, and they decided to leave. However, before filing for divorce, the couple came to my seminar on the relationship between the sexes. Susan said then: “We tried our best, but we didn’t succeed. We're just too different people."

They were amazed to learn during the seminar that this "difference" of theirs is not only quite normal, but also a matter of course. They were encouraged by the fact that other couples developed their relationships along the same lines. Just two days was enough for Susan and Jim to gain a whole new understanding of both men and women.

Their love flared up with renewed vigor. Their relationship changed in the most miraculous way. Forgetting about the divorce, they now intended to be together until the last day of their lives. Jim said, “This knowledge of our differences gave me my wife back. This is the biggest gift I could ever receive. We love each other again."

Six years later, when they invited me to visit their new home, I found them still loving each other, and again, for the umpteenth time, they thanked me for helping them understand each other and not part.

Almost everyone agrees that men and women are very different beings; however, most people would find it difficult to determine exactly what these differences are. Over the past ten years, many books have been published, the authors of which have tried to give an appropriate definition. It must be admitted that something has indeed been achieved in this regard, but many of the writings mentioned are sinning with one-sidedness and, unfortunately, only contribute to strengthening mutual distrust and resentment between the sexes. As a rule, one or another of the sexes is exposed in them as a victim of the other. Therefore, it was important to help people understand how healthy men and women differ from each other.

In order to improve relations between the sexes, it is necessary to understand our differences, which would contribute to the growth of self-respect and personal dignity, mutual trust and personal responsibility, would strengthen the goodwill of partners, their readiness to meet each other halfway, and finally, their love. By interviewing more than 25,000 participants in my seminars on gender relations, I have been able to come to very definite and specific conclusions about the differences mentioned. As you study them, you yourself will feel how the wall of mutual resentment and distrust that has risen between you will gradually collapse until it disappears completely.

Open your hearts to each other, and the answer to you will be the readiness and desire to forgive, an increasing need to give your love, to support, as well as the confidence that this love and support is mutual. And with this new knowledge, I hope you will go beyond the tips in this book and discover more and more opportunities for a cordial, sincere relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

Every single principle formulated in this book has been tried and tested. At least ninety percent of the nearly 25,000 interviewed ardently confirmed that they recognize themselves in the people described here. If, while reading a book, you catch yourself nodding your head and muttering, “Yes, yes, that’s all about me,” then you’re probably not alone. And the recommendations I give, when put into practice, can make your life easier and change for the better, as well as the lives of other people who follow them.

This book explains a new strategy to ease tensions in relationships and make them warmer. And the first step towards this is the recognition of the fact that men and women are very different creatures and that the differences between them are great and numerous. Further in the book, practical advice is given on how to avoid mutual disappointment, to become truly close, and as a result, happy people, every day more and more happy from the fact that they are together. Who said that life in marriage is necessarily a struggle? Tension, resentment and conflict arise only when we do not understand each other.

And since this happens often, many eventually come to complete disappointment. They love their partner or partner, however, when a tense moment arises, they do not know what to do to defuse the situation. Having understood and realized to what extent men and women are different, you will learn how to build your relationship with a representative of the opposite sex in a new way, listen and support him. You will learn to create the love you deserve. As you read this book, you might even think: how can relationships develop successfully between people who have never looked into it?

This book is a kind of textbook on family relationships for people living in the 90s. It shows how great the differences are between men and women in literally every area of ​​their lives. Not only are the ways of communication different: they think differently, feel differently, perceive reality, react differently, love differently. Their needs, the assessments they give are dissimilar. Men and women are like beings from different planets, speaking different languages ​​and needing different education.

This broader understanding of the differences between us helps to avoid many frustrations in communication and relationships with a member of the opposite sex. Thanks to him, we can avoid misunderstandings or quickly resolve them. Each of us expects something from our partner; These expectations are often wrong, but they can be easily corrected. You just need to remember that your partner is a creature of a completely different warehouse, no less different from you than an alien from another planet. Then, instead of constantly being in tension, you can relax the strained nerves and try to take advantage and pleasure from these differences, instead of stubbornly ignoring them or trying to remake your partner "for yourself."

And most importantly, with the help of this book, you will learn a practical technique for resolving problems that arise because of our differences. You are offered not just a theoretical analysis of the psychological differences between the sexes, but also a practical training manual for creating and maintaining such relationships that could rightfully be called love.

The truth of these principles is self-evident, and you can evaluate it both from the standpoint of your own experience and from the standpoint of common sense. Numerous examples will simply and clearly express what you have always known intuitively. Such an assessment will help you to remain yourself and not lose your own "I" in your relationship with a partner, regardless of his gender.

Getting acquainted with what I speak and write about, men often react like this:

- This is exactly about me, I'm just like that! What, were you watching me? Now I don't feel like there's something wrong with me.

And women often say:

“Finally, my husband is listening to me. I no longer have to fight to be appreciated by him. When you explain how we differ from each other, my husband understands. Thank you!

Such are the warm reviews I have heard from thousands of people who have discovered that men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. This new program of rapport with the opposite sex is producing results that are not only immediate and truly stunning, but also long-term.

Of course, the path to creating a truly loving relationship is not always smooth. It's never without problems. However, these problems can equally serve as a source of mutual resentment and alienation, as well as a reason for even greater rapprochement, strengthening love and trust, and showing care. What is presented in this book is not a proprietary tool for the instant destruction of all problems. Its purpose is to help you find a new way of looking at things, a new approach, thanks to which your very relationship will serve as support and support for you in solving life's problems, if any. This new knowledge is the tool by which you will find the love you deserve and be able to give your loved one the love and support they deserve.

In this book, I make many generalizations about men and women. Probably, some of my comments will seem more true to you, others less ... after all, each of us, human individuals, is what he is, that is, unique, and his life experience is just as unique and individual. Sometimes at my seminars people admit that they recognize themselves in the examples I give, but, so to speak, the opposite is true: a man in a woman, a woman in a man. In other words, it turns out to be closer and more understandable to them the way of thinking and actions of a person of the opposite sex. I call it "reversing the roles".

If you find that something similar is happening to you, I want to assure you that there is nothing to worry about: everything is fine with you. I suggest you do the following: if, while reading this or that place in this book, you do not catch anything in common with yourself or with the situations that have taken place in your life, then either do not pay attention to it (and study other examples that are closer to you) or try to look deeper inside yourself. Many men renounce some of their masculine properties and qualities in order to become more open to love, tenderness and care for another person. In the same way, many women give up certain qualities and manifestations inherent in their sex, earning a living in some kind of activity that requires a male grip. If the same thing happened to you, then, using the tips and recommendations given in this book, you will be able not only to bring more passion to your relationship with your partner, but also to achieve - the further, the more - a balance between your masculine and feminine qualities. .

It is not my intention in this book to find out why men and women are so different from each other. This is a complex question, to which there are a great many answers: there are biological differences, and the influence of parents, and upbringing, and the order of birth, and the influence of the cultural order - that is, the influence of society, environment, historical conditions. (These factors are explored in depth in another book of mine, Men, Women and Their Relationships: How to Live in the World with the Opposite Sex.)

Although the effect of applying the recommendations contained in this book is usually immediate, it does not claim to be a panacea for all family problems. Even healthy people, not to mention those who have problems from a medical and family point of view, from time to time, in especially difficult moments of life, need therapy and consultations with specialists in family and marriage problems. I firmly believe in the effectiveness of such means.

However, I have repeatedly heard from people who attended my seminars that a new understanding of the relationship between a man and a woman brought them more benefits than years of therapy. However, I must note that, in my opinion, it was therapy, that is, work to normalize family relations, that created the ground for the recommendations I developed to bear fruit.

If our past has been clouded by problems, then even after several years of training with specialists, we cannot do without a positive picture of healthy relationships. This is the picture that this book offers. On the other hand, even if this past was filled with love and warmth, times have changed and require us to approach the relationship between the sexes differently than before. Therefore, it is so necessary to learn how to communicate and relate to each other in a new way.

The thoughts presented in this book, I believe, will be useful to literally everyone. The only complaint I hear from my seminar participants, and read in the emails I receive, is, "Why didn't anyone tell me about this sooner?"

It's never too late to fill your life with love. You just need to learn a new way of looking at things, whether you are in therapy or not. If you are looking for a more fulfilling relationship with the opposite sex, then this book is for you.

I'm glad to know that you will read it. God bless you after this to become wiser and bring more love into your life. God grant that there are fewer divorces and more happy marriages. Our children deserve a better and more perfect world for them to live in than ours.

John Gray

Mill Valley, California

CHAPTER 1

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS

Imagine that the ancestral home of men was Mars, and women - Venus. One fine day, the Martians, looking through their telescopes, saw Venusian women in them, and this sight awakened hitherto unknown feelings in the inhabitants of the red planet. Having completely fallen in love, the Martians quickly invented a spaceship and rushed to Venus.

The ladies welcomed them with open arms. Their intuition had long told them that this day would come someday, and their hearts opened up to a love never experienced before.

The love between Venusians and Martians changed their lives in the most magical way. They enjoyed each other's company, communication, what they could do together. Children of different worlds, they discovered an abyss of interest in the differences between them and really reveled in studying each other, their so different needs, inclinations, behaviors in certain situations. For many years they lived in love and harmony.

But one fine day they decided to move to Earth. At first, everything went wonderfully for them, but ... The influence of the earth's atmosphere turned out to be such that one morning, when unsuspecting men and women woke up again, it turned out that they all partially lost their memory. Moreover, this amnesia was of a very peculiar - selective nature.

Both Martians and Venusians have forgotten that they come from different planets and that, as a result, they themselves are different. One single morning was enough to erase everything they had learned about their differences from their memory. From that very morning, men and women began to clash and continue to do so to this day.

Imagine that the ancestral home of men was Mars, and women - Venus. One fine day, the Martians, looking through their telescopes, saw Venusian women in them, and this sight awakened hitherto unknown feelings in the inhabitants of the red planet. Having completely fallen in love, the Martians quickly invented a spaceship and rushed to Venus.
The ladies welcomed them with open arms. Their intuition had long told them that this day would come someday, and their hearts opened up to a love never experienced before.
The love between Venusians and Martians changed their lives in the most magical way. They enjoyed each other's company, communication, what they could do together. Children of different worlds, they discovered an abyss of interest in the differences between them and really reveled in studying each other, their so different needs, inclinations, behaviors in certain situations. For many years they lived in love and harmony.
But one fine day they decided to move to Earth. At first, everything went wonderfully for them, but ... The influence of the earth's atmosphere turned out to be such that one morning, when unsuspecting men and women woke up again, it turned out that they all partially lost their memory. Moreover, this amnesia was of a very peculiar - selective nature.
Both Martians and Venusians have forgotten that they come from different planets and that, as a result, they themselves are different. One single morning was enough to erase everything they had learned about their differences from their memory. From that very morning, men and women began to clash and continue to do so to this day.

DIFFERENT, DIFFERENT...

Not knowing that they are supposed to be different, men and women do not get tired of heaping mountains of insults and reproaches on each other. We get angry and disappointed in each other precisely because we have forgotten this most important truth. We expect from the opposite sex the same reactions and the same behavior that we expect from ourselves. We want "he" or "she" to want the same thing as we do and feel the same way as we do.
We mistakenly assume that if our partner (partner) loves us, then he (she) will behave in exactly the same way as we do when we love someone. Such a position brings us one disappointment after another, and we suffer ourselves, torture ourselves and our partner - instead of choosing a moment and calmly, patiently, like two loving people, sort out our differences.

We mistakenly assume that if our partner loves us, they will act the same way we do when we love someone.

Men mistakenly believe that women think, feel, react to certain things in the same way as men themselves; women mistakenly believe that men think, feel and react in the same way as they, women. We have forgotten that men and women are fundamentally different from each other. As a result, our relationships are rife with unnecessary friction.

More than twenty years ago, John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" was published. It was a sensation! The book proved that men and women think, feel and act differently. John Gray created a new system of communication between men and women, and this system has made millions of people happy in many countries of the world! But gradually, the miracle advice that saves marriage and relationships stopped helping. Because the world has changed! What “worked” twenty years ago does not work today! And so before you is a fundamentally new version of the famous book. In it you will find recipes for communication that are “working” today, which means recipes for happiness. You will receive answers to the questions, how exactly have men and women changed over the past twenty years? Why did many of the tips from the first book stop working? What actions and words provoke conflicts? What helps men and women cope with stress? How to keep attraction to each other for many years? Times are changing, but "Mars and Venus" is still the most effective means to understand each other and live in love and harmony. Meet the new version of the legendary book!

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by the LitRes company.

IN Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus dealt with all sorts of difficulties and misunderstandings that most often arise in the relationship between men and women, and suggested solutions that were suitable for the world in which we lived twenty years ago. Since then, our relationship with the opposite sex has changed radically: unprecedented opportunities have opened up for us to break the stereotypes of “masculinity” and “femininity”, and as a result, the usual Martian and Venusian qualities and characteristics that we used to attribute to men and women have lost their former clarity.

From the editor:

Why "men are from Mars" and "women are from Venus"?

Many years ago, men and women lived on different planets. Men were natives of fiery Mars, and women lived on beautiful Venus. Both were happy, but still something was missing. The men were laconic and resolute, they preferred deeds instead of words, it was not customary for them to impose advice and help on a neighbor, especially when they did not ask. If trouble happened to an inhabitant of Mars, he retired to a cave, where he alone pondered his problems and found the best solution. But, alas, the Martians had no one to take care of, which means that no one could appreciate their intelligence, strength and enterprise.

The inhabitants of Venus - women - on the contrary, were sensitive and responsive to someone else's misfortune and believed that sincere conversation can help in difficult times, because by speaking out you can reduce the severity of experiences, realize emotional "pain points", calm down and eventually find the right solution. At the same time, women had well-developed intuition, and as soon as a shadow of sadness fell on one of them, sympathetic neighbors immediately gathered around and comforted their friend. The Venusians were ready to share their participation, to give their spiritual strength, and sometimes much more than they received in return. But the inhabitants of Venus themselves needed support and protection, and, not receiving it, they felt offended.

On one significant day, the inhabitants of Mars, looking at the starry sky through their telescopes, discovered that beautiful neighbors lived nearby. And since they made decisions quickly and instantly implemented them, a rocket was built right there, and the inhabitants of Mars went to Venus. And for the inhabitants of both planets, happiness and prosperity came. The Martians received recognition for their strength and intelligence, and the Venusians received the protection and patronage that they had long dreamed of. But at the same time, both of them remembered that they were natives of different planets, with different foundations and traditions. And they always had Venusian-Martian and Martian-Venusian dictionaries at hand, which they could look into on occasion to understand how the phrase: “No, I was not offended” and “I’m busy, we’ll talk later” is translated. And everything would have been fine further, but only the Martians and Venusians could not sit still, and, once again looking at the sky through a telescope, they saw the beautiful planet Earth. The inhabitants of two different planets plunged into one spaceship and flew to Earth. And the miracle planet lived up to their expectations, it was, in fact, beautiful, so beautiful that the Martians and Venusians, intoxicated by its air, forgot their history, their home planets and considered that they had always lived on Earth. And the Venusian-Martian dictionary (that's bad luck!) Was lost during the flight. And then the problems began, because, having forgotten that they are different, men and women stopped understanding each other, began to demand the impossible from partners, quarrel, accuse them of various sins. It's time for conflict...

This legend is a great metaphor for the fact that men and women are very different. Their differences are so great that it can be assumed that we really are from different planets. Knowing these differences, we understand which actions lead to conflicts and which lead to harmony. And this knowledge is a wonderful medicine for restoring relationships.

Below you will find 12 differences between Mars and Venus that the inhabitants of the Earth have forgotten about for so long. But life does not stand still, and although these 12 differences have not gone away, men and women have changed and began to play new roles ...

We now have different needs - both personal and in relation to each other - and since we do not realize how they have changed, and do not think about how to satisfy them, we suffer from stress and are increasingly disappointed in partners and in life. . We need new knowledge that reflects how we go beyond the old concepts of Mars and Venus, while still taking into account the differences between men and women - only then will we overcome the difficulties that are inevitable if we do not understand that men and women are different, and that's good.

Many of the ideas in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus are still relevant and useful in today's world, but they need to be revisited and adapted to new challenges. The ideas of Mars-Venus have become firmly established in popular culture and have helped millions of men and women to better understand each other, but popularity has somewhat erased their meaning, overly simplified them, and sometimes distorted and narrowed them.

Many of those who have not read "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" mistakenly believe that this title means that we are so different that we will never understand each other. Quite the opposite! When we face differences, but understand what they are, and are able to recognize that differences are good and make sense of them, communication only becomes easier. Understanding differences is not a panacea in itself, of course, but the ability to communicate will come in handy in any situation.

Understanding that we are different, and awareness of these differences is the basis of mutual understanding.

Before delving into modern concepts of Mars-Venus, it is important to recall the basic principles from the book "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus." Listed below are twelve major factors that most often lead to misunderstandings between men and women in relatively traditional family relationships. However, in today's more complex world, where women take on traditionally male roles, they automatically take on many Martian inclinations as well. And vice versa - as men gradually begin to play traditionally female roles at home, they appear to have some Venusian features. As you read this list, think about which traits are more characteristic of you personally. What are you and your partner from Mars, and what about from Venus?

Venusian and Martian tendencies have always manifested themselves differently in men and women, however, as you probably noticed, every year more women show masculine tendencies, and men show feminine tendencies. That is why this table is about inclinations. For each of us as individuals, these tendencies form a unique mixture. A mixture cannot be right or wrong.

When it comes to relationships with the opposite sex, it may seem that today everything has turned upside down, and these are women from Mars, and men from Venus. Or maybe in your couple and now the man is from Mars, and the woman is from Venus.

In any case, it is worth understanding what our tendencies are, why they are so different, when they appear and whether they appear at all - then we will be better prepared to meet them. In the following chapters, we will explore how these tendencies have changed and how they are likely to differ from yours, and teach you new techniques that will support both you and your relationship, whichever way you lean.

Changing roles

The fact that there are more and more men and women in the world who have opposite sex tendencies is good, because it means that we now have more freedom to be ourselves, regardless of society's expectations. But when we throw off the shackles of the traditional Mars-Venus roles, we sometimes give up one role only to take on another - no less limited.

When we throw off the shackles of the traditional Mars-Venus roles, we sometimes give up one role only to take on another one that is no less limited.

Today, many women develop too much of their masculine side, and then complain that they are tired, depressed, unable to cope with stress, or simply cannot relax and enjoy life.

Joanna is a lawyer and works for a large law firm. Often Joanna is so overworked that she cannot relax even at home. She earns more than her husband Jack, so they decided that he would go part-time and spend more time at home and raise children. Jack and Joanna love and support each other, but the passion in their relationship is no longer there, like many other couples.

Joanna thinks that gender differences are complete nonsense. Once at a party, I told her that I was writing a new book.

“I don't think Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is just about me,” Joanna said. “It seems to me that men and women are actually not so different.

Jack remarked to this:

“But I think there is a lot of truth in it. Just call it the other way around - "Women are from Mars, men are from Venus" - and it will be completely about our relationship. You and I are completely different!

Then I spoke with Jack one on one.

What is the difference between you and your partner? I asked.

Jack replied with a laugh:

- Yes, in everything. I read "Men are from Mars" - and so, my wife is definitely from Mars. You write that women love to talk, but when Joanna comes home from work, she has so much to do that there is no time to talk, and when she does start a conversation, she needs concrete solutions to problems. She doesn't want to share with me how the day went. It's me who needs to make connections, it's me who wants to discuss what happened today, but as soon as I raise my voice, Joanna gets angry or interrupts me and offers advice and ready-made solutions - but simply cannot listen. If I share feelings, she says that I have them wrong, that I should not feel like that. If we are talking about romance, tenderness, hugs - she does not need all this. When she is at home, she sits in her cave almost all the time, reading the news or working on the computer. We have very little personal life with her, but it seems to suit her. And there would be no secular if I had not insisted. Trying to make time for the two of us is a real torment.

Role reversal, like the one we see in the relationship between Jack and Joanna, is, of course, extreme, but such reversals of roles and needs are becoming more common these days. We have freed ourselves from outdated social expectations and are now ready to accept both masculine and feminine qualities both in ourselves and in a potential partner. In general, men are more ready to support a woman who has career aspirations, and women are more ready to support a man who sets himself the goal not to earn money, but rather follow the dictates of his heart, and this often implies, among other things, that a man will spend more time not only building quality relationships, but also raising children.

Our contemporaries have freed themselves from outdated social expectations and are now ready to accept both masculine and feminine qualities in themselves.

Opening up to change, modern men and women have become more flexible in taking on different roles depending on their financial needs, age, marital status and personal preferences. Women are taking on roles that are traditionally considered masculine and conducive to the manifestation of their masculine qualities, and this physically changes the structure of their brain, as well as the hormonal background. Research on brain plasticity over the past decade has shown that everyday activities change the brain, which in turn stimulates the production of other hormones in the body.

Most traditionally male activities increase the level of male hormones. Working on a construction site or defending a client in the courtroom boosts testosterone levels in both men and women, while taking care of children in daycare or caring for the sick stimulates estrogen production. If women take on traditionally masculine roles, they show more of the Martian tendencies at home that we talked about in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, as their roles promote male hormones and suppress female hormones. The same can be said about men who take on traditionally female roles - they have stronger Venusian tendencies.

But when women choose traditionally masculine professions, it is even more important for them to show their femininity at home in order to find a healthy balance of male and female hormones. If the hormonal balance is disturbed, a woman only suffers more from boredom, dissatisfaction, emptiness and anxiety.

However, if a woman who has shown an exclusively masculine side of her nature all day long takes the time to feel, accept and express her feminine qualities at home, her stress level will actually only decrease.

So it is especially important for men who devote a lot of time, for example, to educating and raising children, to realize and show their Martian qualities in personal romantic relationships.

The fact that passion disappears from the romantic relationships of many couples is largely due to the fact that our contemporaries do not have enough new ideas and skills to find the right balance of male and female qualities. If a man suppresses his masculinity, and a woman suppresses her femininity, boredom and anxiety cannot be avoided, and this destroys passion. A man becomes too soft and emotional, a woman becomes too harsh and withdrawn. It is possible that at home the man immediately leaves his strength, and the woman feels that she is overwhelmed with overwork. In the following chapters, we will explore the various symptoms of suppression and see how new concepts of Mars and Venus can help bring about a healthy balance.

One of the main obstacles to balance is that most of us do not automatically balance the masculine and feminine, and besides, at first it is not always pleasant. To establish a balance between the male and female sides is often possible only consciously and by willpower.

It is impossible to balance the masculine and feminine automatically, and besides, at first it is not always pleasant.

When Joanna comes home in the evening, she is more interested in hiding in her cave - a Martian addiction, and Jack is more interested in talking to make a connection - a Venusian addiction. It would seem that if you follow your inclinations, it will be good, but in fact it is unproductive and kills passion.

On weekday evenings, both Jack and Joanna automatically tend to do what pleases them. However, pleasant (and automatic) does not mean useful. For example, shopping may be nice, but if you spend too much, there are complications. During an argument, it is nice to sometimes shout at your opponent, but this will not improve the results. It’s nice to respond to your partner’s claims with your own claims, but usually it only repels you.

It is pleasant to respond with claims to the claims of a partner, but usually this only repels.

When communicating with partners, we automatically do a lot of things that only worsen the situation. If we do not have a clear idea of ​​alternatives, of what to do in order to get the desired result, we thoughtlessly repeat mistakes - not because we achieve what we want, but because it is pleasant or just happens automatically, automatically.

It's no secret that there is healthy food, and there is tasty, but harmful. If you eat a lot of cookies, your blood sugar will rise. Each cookie is very tasty, so it takes willpower not to eat one more, and then another. But with each cookie, the balance of blood sugar is disturbed more and more. Doing only what is pleasant is not the right decision.

If a woman has an overdeveloped masculine side, she should first realize that she has lost her balance, and then figure out exactly what complementary feminine quality she needs to express in order to restore balance. To do this, she needs to know exactly what complementary qualities make up her male and female sides. (Later, we will take a closer look at the twelve pairs of the most common male and female qualities, the understanding of which allows both men and women to find inner balance.)

When Joanna comes home from work, she either continues to work or hides in a cave to relax and forget about a hard day. However, she does not realize that she will rest better and forget about the difficulties at work if she shares her feelings with her partner and establishes a connection with him.

Jack also faces the same difficulties. If a man has to suppress his masculine side all day, he also needs to find balance in his personal life. By evening, he needs to feel more masculine in himself. Jack spent the whole day taking care of the kids and now he wants to connect with his partner by sharing his feelings, but in fact the connection will be stronger if he first goes into the cave for a while and then listens to Joanna's story about how her day was, instead of to spread about yours. Believe me, as crazy as it sounds, men who talk too much about their feelings risk ruining all the romance in a relationship (we’ll figure out why in later chapters).

As crazy as it sounds, men who talk too much about their feelings risk ruining all the romance in a relationship.

Joanna and Jack are just one example of the imbalance in today's men and women, which leads to a loss of passion in sexual relations. Without new relationship-building skills that take into account how our roles have changed, the current dynamic only adds to the stress, although it certainly gives us more personal freedom. And if stress increases, it is detrimental to relationships, happiness, and health.

Of course, I do not at all think that in order to overcome modern difficulties, we need to return to traditional roles. Whatever roles we choose, intimate relationships will only benefit and enrich when we understand what our specific emotional needs are in relation to the hormonal needs of our biological sex. If we come to terms with the fact that we are so different, and learn to appreciate it, we will be able to support ourselves and others in a new way, which means we can better solve urgent problems and strengthen balance.

I repeat, there are no right and wrong proportions of Mars and Venus in nature. Every man and every woman has their own unique mixture of Martian and Venusian qualities. One woman needs to connect with her partner more often and share feelings with him, the other needs independence and time for herself. Some men need personal freedom, others want to spend more time with their spouse. One way or another, if we learn to understand how different we are and what our hormonal needs inherent in our gender, we will be able to play any role during the working day: we will have a powerful arsenal that allows us to enlist the necessary support in our personal lives and, in our turn, to provide ideal support to the partner.

Whatever roles we choose, with a reasonable approach, you can always find balance in life.

What is the problem with role reversal?

On the one hand, in our days, when we choose our roles much more freely, we have the opportunity to show those qualities of our nature that traditional roles forbade, on the other hand, when we play different roles, this also sometimes suppresses certain aspects of our personality. If we are too masculine, then we suppress the qualities of our female hypostasis. If they are too feminine, we suppress the masculine. Internal suppression only increases stress. There is only one way out - to seek balance, but everyone has their own balance. If at work you suppress some side of yourself, then in order to reduce stress, you need to look for balance at home, in your personal life.

The main difficulty with role reversals is that sometimes they overwhelm other aspects of our personality.

If you don't know how to find balance, you run the risk of getting out of it even more. Prolonged suppression is bound to lead to chronic stress and burnout. There are enough difficulties in life, but they will bring even more stress. And when a person does not know how to restore balance, it is more difficult for him to give and receive love and support, which reduce stress and enrich life.

Let's go back to the story of Joanna and Jack. During the day, at work, Joanna is forced to solve urgent problems, to be strong, to withstand competition, and therefore suppresses her femininity, fragility, ability to negotiate and cooperate. Her husband Jack is at home from morning to evening, takes care of children and has the opportunity to show sensitivity and care, but at the same time suppresses many masculine qualities.

Joanna, of course, loves her job, but because she has to suppress many feminine qualities there, when she returns home, she feels that she is not able to cope with stress. Ideally, at home, it should just find balance and reduce stress, and not vice versa: the house should not be another source of stress.

Joanna loves her job, but at home she only feels tired and seems unable to cope with the stress.

Jack has other difficulties. Since he is relieved of the need to fully support his family and can spend more time with children, he manages to fully show concern for others. This is indeed very pleasant and at times brings a sense of fullness of life, but Jack is forced to suppress masculinity and the desire to compete, the need to fulfill the duties of an emotional donor eventually exhausts him, and he becomes too dependent and capricious.

The new knowledge in this book will not only help couples like Joanna and Jack balance their masculinity and femininity, but will also support more traditional couples, where the man is primarily responsible for financial support and the woman is responsible for raising the children.

In traditional family relationships, a man's daily work responsibilities often overwhelm his feminine side. And a woman who sits at home with children usually suppresses her masculinity. However, suppressing your true personality traits undermines the ability to long-term passion in relationships - and in everyone, both men and women.

Fortunately, our expectations have also changed, and since we now expect something completely different from men and women, it has become easier for us to find balance. For example, today many women, even if their husband earns enough and they have the opportunity to stay at home and take care of children, prefer to work at least part-time in order to still show their masculine side, and this makes them much happier. In the same way, men, even if it is they who mainly provide for the family, try to relax more and participate in the upbringing of children.

All these changes liberate us and lead us to balance. Barbara Marks Hubbard, writer, motivational consultant, and good friend of mine, has been very constructive in managing her role changes over the years as she has grown older and wiser. “When all my children grew up,” she told me, “I suddenly felt exactly like a teenage boy: the energy is overflowing, and you are rushing to save the world. Professional studies excite me no worse than sex.

Because Barbara fully realized her feminine side as a mother, she gained the ability to more strongly express her masculine side - and made a brilliant career as a writer and speaker, always relying on feminine sensitivity and caring. So she was able to maintain both happiness and a sense of emotional fullness of life.

However, these changes sometimes suppress some aspects of our personality. For example, many men, having reached “retirement age”, stop doing meaningful work every day and devote themselves entirely to relaxation and pleasure. This suppresses their masculinity and increases the level of stress - and after all, they retired precisely in order to finally reduce it! Increased stress often leads to very serious consequences: in the first three years after retirement, men's risk of cardiovascular disease skyrockets.

But it’s not enough for us to understand how our needs have changed when we decided to play new roles: we still need to figure out what happens to our partner’s needs and how they differ from ours. If we want to help our partners find balance too, the key is to provide them with the right love and support, and this book will show you how to support your partner while keeping your own balance in mind.

New Perspectives

In the pages of this book, we will explore the many new challenges and new perspectives that open up for men and women when they get rid of traditional family relationships with all their limitations. Now we live in a time when unprecedented prospects for love, success and happiness are opening up before us, and all this is quite achievable, we just need to be more aware of our masculine and feminine qualities.

It often seems to us that we are not able to build relationships with partners, because we are so different from them. But if we figure out what our different tendencies are and understand why it's good, we can better understand our partners and find new ways to give and receive love and support.

In fact, we are all very different - and that is why we are drawn to each other. Opposites attract. This is the basic principle of chemistry. That is why we need each other: each of us has something unique, with which we can bestow each other and the whole world. What we take for granted in ourselves will provide the partner with the necessary support.

What we take for granted in ourselves will provide the partner with the necessary support.

If you clearly understand how masculine and feminine qualities are combined in you, what their unique balance is, you can express who you are with great reason, right and clarity, and see what kind of specific support you need. And then all of us will be able not only to become happier, but also to fulfill the duties of a partner much better.

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The above introductory fragment of the book Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. A new version for the modern world. Skills, Skills, Techniques for a Happy Relationship (John Gray, 2017) provided by our book partner -