I don't feel love for anyone. How to love when you don't feel love He already did it

I recently attended a discussion on Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis at a book club. After studying the book for several weeks, Lewis's otherwise quite mild-mannered fans suddenly went from waving palm branches to yelling, "Crucify him!"

This upheaval was brought about by the following principle found in the chapter on Charity (Christian Love):

The rule for all of us is quite simple. Don't waste time worrying about whether you love your neighbor; act like you love it.

"Blasphemy!" several people yelled, and one even tried to tear a Ralph Lauren T-shirt on his chest. "This," their opinion leader argued, "reeks of a 'fake it until it works' mentality that cannot be tolerated within the Christian concept of love."

“Insincere love is not love!”
"If you don't feel it, you can't love."
“My rule is one hundred percent sincerity!”

The Shakespearean crowd yelled louder and louder, one complaint fueling another.

Be something more than you really are

And as the Christian peasants grabbed their pitchforks, it became more and more obvious that in their eyes Lewis had violated the law of self-expression: the law of being truly yourself. Psychology has instilled in our generation the idea that self-expression is the highest good. If you don't feel it, it's not authentic and therefore not real. This, combined with the definition that love is almost exclusively a warm feeling deep within us, creates the idea of ​​a desecration of the idea of ​​love by a person who does not feel love, but is forced to behave like a person who loves.

The main problem with "wait 'til you feel it" love is that it's more Hollywood than Bible love. It fundamentally undermines the two greatest commandments given by Jesus. The commandments to love the Lord and your neighbor often attack this love, suppress our natural inclinations and the inconveniences of our self-expression:

no matter if he hurt you.
Love your neighbor as yourself, no matter how unpopular he is.
Love your neighbor as yourself despite the fact that he embodies all those unpleasant traits that you did not even suspect you had until you met him.

Or, more importantly:

Love God no matter how busy you are.
Love God no matter how angry you are with him.
Love God no matter how sick, tired or confused you are.

No footnotes, asterisks or qualifications indicate the presence of nuances in these two commandments. "I don't feel it" is a problem to overcome, not an excuse for disobedience.

Fake it until it works

These men and women who felt the tension in the Lewis principle were rightfully annoyed because our feelings Ideally should precede our actions that express love for God and neighbor. But you will probably agree with me - often this does not work out. Our feelings are immature - they tend to sulk, squeal and resentfully silent. And, unfortunately, they often get angry at those they love the most.

So, given that our fallen feelings are not completely redeemed, what should we do in situations where feel loving yourself? My suggestion is to imitate that feeling until He makes it real.

The dissenters were right to fight the “fake it until it works” love, because we ourselves don't do anything that lasts a long time. We can pretend temporary sympathy and compassion for people, but a deep change of heart towards others (which glorifies the Lord and actually loves them) comes from God Himself (Galatians 5:22-23). Indeed, this is possible only after God gives us a new heart.

Acting honestly

So we must act.

Instead of waiting for your inner feelings to build up the appropriate amount of love for someone, ask yourself a Lewis-style question: What would I do if I had corresponding feelings for them? Can I get off the couch and apologize to my wife? Will I call a relative I haven't spoken to in years? Will I invite my neighbor to dinner?

Use your God-given imagination to imagine what love looks like and then do it.

And pray while you act.

We do not want to live forever in a divergence between actions and feelings - and thank God that we will not. But in anticipation of being more like Him (1 John 3:2), we pray to God to expand our redeemed but still too small hearts. With prayer, we act as if we really feel it. We put the cart before the horse and ask God to make the horse run. We gently respond to the comments of colleagues, as if loving them, while asking God to give us real love for them.

Another name for this kind of love is simply faith. We don't grind our teeth, "pretending" in the traditional sense. We “pretend” by looking at Christ and expecting His Spirit to complete what He has begun in us (Philippians 1:6). Without faith in our actions, we become like the Pharisees and do not please God (Hebrews 11:6).

great secret

Surprisingly, God often provides the feelings we need when we act before we feel. I experienced the reality of what Lewis beautifully describes in the following sentence:

As soon as we do this, we discover one of the great secrets. When you act like you love someone, you will soon fall in love with them. If you harm someone you don't like, you will find that you don't like them even more.

It is true that your actions often stem from your feelings, but it is also true that and your feelings stem from your actions. Not acting in the name of "true love" actually blocks the flow of feelings that could flow if you acted.

I have good friends that I couldn't stand at first. But as the Lord worked on me, He gave me the opportunity to act like I loved them before I actually loved them—and real love soon followed. The more I invested my energy, time and thoughts in these people, the more my heart became convinced that I really love them.

Love is a gift from God, often given when we act before we feel.

He already did it

The more I try to apply this principle in my life, the more opportunities I find to apply it.

Don't miss the fun!

• You are tempted to fear a person? How would you act if you didn't have this ungodly fear? Act by asking God to give you a freeing fear of Him, not of man (Isaiah 8:12-13).

• You are tempted by anxiety? What would it look like to hope in the Lord with all your heart in this situation (Proverbs 3:5)? Take action and ask God to give you His peace (John 14:27).

• Are you seduced by lust? What will the worship of God look like in relation to this girl, boy or computer screen? Go ahead and ask God to kill the lusts still growing in your heart.

In the end, we “fake it until it works” because, in fact, He already did it - He already did it. “Therefore, whoever is in Christ [he] is a new creation; the old has passed away, now everything is new.”(2 Corinthians 5:17). We do not portray what we are not; we "put on" who we really are, even though we don't feel like it (Colossians 3:1-17).

As Christians, we imitate love not to avoid reality, but to live it more fully.

Author - Greg Morse/ © 2018 Desiring God Foundation. Website: desiringGod.org
Translation - Natalia Nakaznyuk for

Hello. I am 21 years old, my boyfriend is 27. We met by chance, through mutual friends. Together for about 1 year. When we first started talking, it turned out that we could meet even earlier, because. he knows almost all of my classmates. During the time that we were together, we already had conversations to get married, but he keeps saying that you need to "stand on your feet", find a job with a good salary, housing. And I'm 21, I want a family.
But that's not the point. At the beginning of our relationship, he was caring, kind, loving, looked after me. Now a lot has changed. What worries me most is that I do not feel his love for me, his care. Even though he says he loves me. But that's not enough for me. I want to feel his love, words are few. I'm afraid to talk about this topic with him. He will say that he loves.
How can I understand if he really loves me as much as I love him? How can I feel his love?

Psychologists Answers

Hello Irina. You know, I believe that he really loves you, it's just that you began to speak each other's love languages ​​less often, therefore, you had doubts.

Read Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages" (it's not big, and freely available on the Internet), start talking to him in his love language, and he will answer yours.

Popeskul Alexander Alexandrovich, psychologist online

Irina, your fears are unfounded! Try the opposite to talk with your young man about love. The conversation can be done in an easy and relaxed way: invite him to play the game "Love". The rules are as follows: each of you begins to talk about whether he experienced his first love in childhood, at what age and in relation to whom. Also, let each of you tell if any of you tried to show it or, on the contrary, suppress first love, as it manifested itself in each of you in behavior. Then you can move on to each of you telling your current idea of ​​​​love at the moment for another person. Further questions can be thrown one after another: is this love worth showing? How (words, specific actions) and in relation to whom? How can a girl know that you are showing love and by what actions? Gradually, you move on to the key issue that worries you. Perhaps your young man may not even notice this: you can express your anxiety, fears, worries. related to your relationship with him. The essence of the game was to find out his current ideas about love and build confidence in the final questions: what does he think about your relationship and how does he see it developing. At the same time, you will have a great opportunity to assess the degree of his openness to you. But keep in mind that a young man may be one of those who are embarrassed to demonstrate their relationship with you because of their characteristics or not yet ready. Your task is to clarify the situation for yourself: does he feel sympathy for you and how much he values ​​​​you. There are also such individuals among the male who do not scatter the words: I love. They can say: I like you or I'm interested in you. But remember, forcing events, relationships is fraught with a quick separation. Meanwhile, you should not be afraid to ask or express something to a young man: sometimes it often happens that he does not even think that something in his behavior causes you fear. Therefore, it is very important, if necessary, to express your concern, so that a person has an idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat he needs to change in himself. In any case, he will demonstrate his attitude towards you by his actions or inaction.

Samekin Adil Serikpaevich, psychologist in Pavlodar

Kuroyedova Tatyana Nikolaevna

Psychologist Taraz Last visit: 3 days ago

Answers on the site: Conducts trainings.

I applied with another question, but everything is the same, and a couple of months have passed. The fact is that he does not pay attention to me, we live together, we have normal relations with his mother (she also lives with us) He practically does not approach me, he is cold, I ask him "do you love me?" he is sometimes silent, says I don’t know, and sometimes says “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be here anymore,” but recently asked again, he answered yes. I went to his VKontakte page where he had likes on the records that I don’t feel anything for anyone, no love, no affection, etc. Somehow I recently told him that we were breaking up, to which he replied “do as you know” ... I am also a psychologist to some extent, I understand people, but I need professionals, then they gave me answers to that link, and they helped me. for some time. But the problem doesn't go away. I tried to talk to him, solve the problem, but he does not see this as a problem and leaves the conversation, I understand that you need to talk and always discuss the problem and look for ways out, but I can’t force him, I want to try in a month when he is on vacation will come and let some time pass so as not to torment him. I also remember we talked for a long time on this topic, he said that he was afraid to open up to someone again, he was afraid that they would leave him again and he can’t yet, I think that these are all excuses, enough time has passed since that moment, he sees that no one loved him like that much like me, I really want to save this union. I can’t live normally, I lost weight, my mood depends only on him, it’s terrible. I ask for your help.

I probably still have to point out my shortcomings: I think I'm tired of him, he sees that I won't get away from him, I won't leave him, and he probably uses it.

My shortcoming is this: I love him too much, I follow him everywhere with a ponytail, even his relatives once told me (Name), stop following him with a ponytail, you should, on the contrary, show your coldness to some extent.

But I can not. I am attached, I seem to be obsessed with him. I fell in love a second time. After parting with my first love, I could not meet with anyone at all, everyone annoyed me, I left them after a week, and then I fell in love. I can say with confidence, I LOVED it. Although he is far from being handsome, he is also a dystrophic, but for me he is the best and most beautiful. Many of my friends don't understand how I could get along with him. I'm 20, he's 26. At the same time, I won't call him an adult)) These are just numbers. I apologize for insulting him. Just to be clear.

Addition of the author from 08/25/17 23:22:18
Yes, you are right) I control him, read correspondence, watch what he likes, watch who he calls, but I try to do it when he does not see it, I am afraid of betrayal, that he will leave, that the end will come.

Hello!
I have a small problem ... It so happened that I have never experienced a feeling of real love.
To be honest, I have never had a serious love relationship. Yes, there were only meetings, walks, dates, but nothing more. I don't know what's happening to me. At the age of 18, I took the initiative: I was the first to write to a young man I liked on the Internet. We continued to communicate, every day I learned something new and interesting about him. Yes, he interested me, and I kept waiting for him to want to meet me live. Finally, this moment has come. I saw him and realized that he was very nice to me. We met like this for a month, it was just friendly meetings. At the same time, I felt that he was not indifferent. Most recently, he gave me flowers, and here for some reason I was very ... not that scared, but surprised at such an act on his part. I realized that I was completely unprepared for a serious relationship. Why? Maybe because I only feel sympathy for him? There can be no talk of any love. There is no that spark, spark, eclipse... There is none of that. I even blame myself for this, because the guy is good, kind. Especially since I've never had a boyfriend...I'm afraid I might make some mistake? He himself admitted that he was very in love with me, but I was not. As soon as I see some young man in the crowd, something strange happens in my soul, I want to please this stranger. I want to fall in love at first sight, but this does not happen ...
I do not know what to do. Why can't I experience the feelings of being in love? Is it worth it to continue the relationship if you are not in love? What if I just can't love? Never?
Help me, please, with advice! I will be very grateful to you!

Hello Anastasia. he will soon figure it out in you, see your imperfections and leave you. Therefore, your avoidances are of a neurotic nature. You both want and are afraid. there are flaws. They are in every person. Then you will find the strength to take a risk and get close to a young man, imbue him with high feelings without fear of consequences. Openness is a sign of trust and self-sufficiency. Therefore, change and fall in love on the principle of reciprocity and gratitude, avoiding unrequited relationships .

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychotherapist-psychoanalyst Volgograd

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. For a year everything was fine, but basically the initiative came from me. I was the first to contact the Internet. He immediately supported the communication, he offered to meet. He is a shy guy, he almost never met girls. He was 25 years old, he had his only girlfriend at the age of 22, he met with her for six months, according to him, he ran away himself, because. I was afraid that I would not be able to develop relations further. It so happened that I am an active person, I took almost the entire initiative. She called him more often, always supported him in everything. We walked for a long time, he introduced me to all his relatives and friends, everyone was happy for him. It was a little difficult for him to come to our house, but then he got used to it and came more often. We spent most of our time at his house. His parents consider me theirs, I will always help in everything, I always came with gifts for his younger brother. I studied, came for the weekend, we spent them together. We were invited together to all my and his relatives. In the spring, I received a placement in a village 150 km from home, I was there in practice, he came, he liked everything, he could find a job there, apartments were cheap, we even discussed it. He talked about raising money for the wedding. And then it got worse ... His dream was a car, all the talk about it. He began to write less often and enjoy meetings less. He stopped talking about leaving with me. He said that everything would be decided in the summer, and when I finished my studies, everything became even worse. Meetings became more rare and dry. His mother started talking about the wedding and then abruptly stopped talking about it, he is also silent. In his house, relations between his parents are bad, his father lies on the couch, and his mother by herself, often runs to her girlfriends and drinks, because of this, neither her husband nor her children respect her. His sister - 24 years old - is reserved and arrogant, during these 1.5 years of acquaintance she only greets me, or passes something on to me through her brother. My boyfriend says that as an elder he has never seen love in the family, that's why he is so reserved. But the first year of the relationship changed him a lot. If before that he did not recognize physical intimacy, then later he liked it, there were kisses and hugs, there was rare sex. I studied in the city - 50 km from our village, often offered him to come to me for the weekend, to be alone in the apartment, to go somewhere. A couple of times he came after much persuasion, but reluctantly, the next day he rushed home in the morning, saying that he somehow felt uneasy. And since the summer, our relationship has become even drier. Kissing and hugging is generally rare, the desire to be alone is also rare, he almost stopped calling, became more irritable, stopped talking about the future. I also began to wait for his initiative, but there is almost none. I am offended for his inattention, but he is silent or offended that I reproach him. He does not come for several days, and then he says that I could come myself, as happened before. At a meeting, he will not hug, at parting, he will shake hands and that's it. He says that before I could kiss him myself. He doesn't say he's bored. No emotions, he says that he is. I bought a car, it was here that the emotions were the sea and the sea devotes time to it. I was very burned, now I have cooled down because of his coldness, I do not show initiative, and he practically does too. I want love, care, attention. His mother says that his grandfather and father are like that. Grandmother says that she has been unloved all her life. I told him that if he doesn't need me, let's break up, he blames me for everything. Sad and embarrassing. He issued insurance for his car for me when I need it, he gives it when I or my parents ask for help, he will always come and help, but he won’t guess. He has my photos on ICQ on the Internet. But I didn’t see joy when I managed to get a job in our village, with such difficulty I terminated the contract concluded in another city ... I didn’t see joy, it was so insulting. And now I'm saying this ... I need it ... But I don't see and don't feel his love, all meetings seem to be for show.

Hope, Kazakhstan, 21 years old / 14.09.16

Opinions of our experts

• Alyona

  Nadia, I understood the story, but I did not understand the question. Apparently, because everything is more than obvious. This guy won't strain for you. He did not spend any effort to “win” you, you are an easy and therefore not very valuable “prey”. Not even prey, but, sorry for the comparison, pasture. There was no spark in the eyes, no excitement, no interest or desire. You offered yourself, you took the initiative, you yourself led the relationship. And now she suddenly wanted to feel weak and desirable. Why would suddenly? It's just like in jokes about feminists. If in your couple a man has always been a non-initiative plankton, if he was never particularly interested in all this, and he would not develop relationships at all if you hadn’t shown any effort, then why now suddenly you demand from him to become different? Either continue to love what you picked up, or finally admit that this "real estate" is not worth your "investment", neither emotional, nor intellectual, nor otherwise. She broke the contract - well, stupid. For who and what? You are 21 years old. Do you need to get married soon? For what purpose? In life, playing a man in a relationship with someone who cares about cars and comfort so much more than you that even sex with you is not a motivation to change something? Stop spoiling your life already, renew the contract and forget about the one to whom you didn’t give up for nothing.

• Sergei

  Hope, I personally believe that every person, upon reaching adulthood, is free to spoil his life as he pleases. Therefore, if you really want to spend time trying to bring up something more or less digestible from this comrade, then for God's sake, have fun. In the end, I even understand your interest. You are a young, passionate girl, and here is such a non-trivial task. Yes, and it's nice to feel like the main one in a relationship with an older guy, to drag him like a little one, to teach. A kind of game of a big living doll. However, I do not advise you to get too carried away. Judging by what you write, the young man is rather reserved, poorly socialized and very infantile. You can spend your whole life on reworking such a “frame”, and you won’t achieve anything. Yes, and children with such a dad should be somehow scary. Although, of course, to each his own. But is it worth spending your life on something you don't understand? The world is big, and there are a huge number of normal people in it, looking for their soul mate. It is quite possible that someone is looking for you while you amuse your maternal instinct with an overgrown undergrowth. Aren't you ashamed of the fact that you are robbing him and yourself, reducing the time of your joint happiness? No, I understand that you kind of feel responsible. I admit that the feeling of guilt and pity is pressing on the conscience. But life is not rubber. And sooner or later, you will definitely think about why you spent so much time on an empty doll game. In my opinion, you should wish your friend all the best as soon as possible and start studying, looking for a job and truly your man. But of course it's up to you to decide. Each of us is the master of our own problems.