We understand why he endures dates: the opinions of psychologists. Why is a man afraid of meeting? How to react if the guy postponed the meeting
Rule #22 was all about red flags in a man's behavior to avoid the bad guys. But a man who cancels appointments more than once, unless it's an emergency, is such a serious risk factor that we thought it deserved a separate chapter.
Women constantly ask us if it's worth dating a man who repeatedly cancels meetings and expresses a desire to reschedule them. They say: “He texted that he had a blown tire and asked to reschedule the meeting” or “I received an email saying that we can’t meet today - a friend invited him to a football match. What should I do?"
Don't think we're over-dramatizing the situation, but canceling the meeting is the final blow! Of course, we understand that our world has become much more frivolous than before, and no one places much value on canceling a dinner invitation via email, turning a date at a bar into a group party, or canceling a workout with the touch of an iPhone key!
But in the world of Rules, canceling a date (unless it's a real emergency) shouldn't be taken lightly.
A man should be able to date you and keep his promise, regardless of the job, the weather, or whatever happens in his life. A date with you must be sacred to him.
It must be entered into his schedule in ink, not in pencil.
When a man wants to cancel a date, he is able to come up with any excuse: he is sick, he is going to visit his parents, a former colleague just called him and invited him to drink a glass, he suddenly remembered the deadline at work. Women object to us, assuring that their friend cited a good reason that deserves to give him a second chance. But the truth is, men don't cancel dates because of an upset stomach, a jam at work (is it on a Saturday night?!), or because they were offered tickets to a football game at the last minute. It's much more likely that the guy is canceling the date because he's not really in love with you, or the girl he really likes has finally agreed to date him.
Alas, a woman in love believes in any pretexts invented by a man to cancel a date, because she desperately wants everything to work out for them. She deceives herself or looks at everything through her fingers. But over time, having gone through new cancellations of plans and disappointments, she turns into a nervous wreck, insecure and distrustful. In a healthy, right relationship, a man calls or texts, asks a girl out on a Saturday date every week, doesn't cancel or miss appointments, and the woman enjoys a sense of stability and security as a result. She can relax and go about her business.
Hannah, 28, met her boyfriend at a sports bar. Andrew, 30, spoke to her, and a week later they met on their first date. After that, even before Wednesday, he again invited her to Saturday evening. Up to this point everything was fine. But on Friday morning, Andrew wrote to her that he had to cancel their meeting, because a friend from out of town unexpectedly came to visit him, and two weeks later again canceled the meeting because he "fell down with a cold." We said, "No, that's no good, it sounds very suspicious." Hannah believed him, but we didn't. We started asking her questions: “Saturday night? Can't he meet his friend any other time on the weekend? Cold? Truth? This guy does not inspire confidence in us; his excuses sound pretty weak. Doesn't he want to look into your blue eyes at dinner and maybe even get better thanks to you?
Hanna respected our opinion, but she was too in love with Andrew and continued to date him, hoping that we were wrong. She didn't contact us for the next two years and then emailed us asking for another boyfriend consultation. Hanna admitted that Andrew broke up with her several times because she tried to push him into an engagement. He said he couldn't even think about marriage until he got a promotion. Two months later, he received this promotion, proposed to her, gave her a ring and set a date for the wedding. Hannah was happy: it was like a stone had fallen from her soul.
A month before the long-awaited event, Andrew announced to her that he had "acute work-related panic disorder" and went to a therapist, who agreed with him, saying that marriage at the moment would cause unnecessary stress, and advised him to call off the wedding. Hanna was shocked. "What?! Cancel our wedding? You just killed me! Am I supposed to call the bridesmaids and guests now and tell them there's no wedding? And lose ten thousand dollars on a deposit?
Sadly, it didn't surprise us. Any man who can cancel one date after another can cancel a wedding. But over time, Hannah got so used to Andrew's excuses that she didn't even understand the meaning of what was happening. She wanted to find out if there was any other way to save their relationship! We recommended that she sell the gift ring and forget about it.
Of course, the right girl rarely, if ever, finds herself in these situations. She will not tolerate a guy who cancels meetings more than once. She does not have to suffer from anger, disappointment, feelings of betrayal, or make up excuses for a man, trying to understand what is really happening to him.
Kelly, a junior in college, told us that a guy she dated for a few weeks texted her saying he couldn't go to the Friday night party with her - he had a fraternity meeting. This suggestion seemed to us far-fetched. Kelly assured us that this is not so - he dreams of becoming president of the fraternity. We advised her not to answer him and find herself another party companion. Indeed, a week later he announced their breakup and started dating another girl. Canceling a meeting under false pretenses is usually the beginning of the end!
What could happen to a man who made an appointment, then canceled it and never made an appointment again? He probably met another woman who liked him better. Don't try to figure out the reason. If he cancels the meeting, especially more than once, he just doesn't like you enough!
We don't make up all these stories! In private consultations for nearly 20 years, we have rarely seen a relationship develop with a man who canceled appointments. Moreover, we interviewed hundreds of happily married regular wives, and they all said that their husbands never canceled a date, no matter what happened.
A cold, a rainstorm, meeting clients, preparing for an exam, medical school, traffic jams, the Super Bowl, a family wedding - nothing will stop a guy from meeting you if he likes you.
It often happens that he postpones dates, saying that unforeseen circumstances suddenly arose. How to understand guys whose psychology of behavior sometimes defies any explanation - the article has all the information.
Sometimes there comes a time when a girl feels that something is happening to her boyfriend. And sometimes, in order to avoid bitter experiences and suffering, you need to carefully study the behavior of a young person.
And it is especially necessary to pay special attention to, at first glance, unremarkable and inconspicuous little things that led to an incomprehensible act and a change in his character. It often happens that he endures dates, justifying this by the fact that he suddenly became a hostage to unforeseen circumstances, problems at work or a banal traffic jam.
According to psychologists, in most cases, young people are simply not able to plan their daily schedule correctly, which is why they are late for a date. In this case, the girl should not wait for hours at the agreed place, but needs to take care of herself and her own business.
When a guy confidently talks about women's topics, gives advice on how to take care of himself, what makeup to use and where to get a pedicure, in this case, psychologists advise listening to his constant reproaches, as this may be one of the reasons that he does not come or is late for meetings. He probably thinks that the girl is not attractive enough for him.
At such a moment, the girl should remember that you should not enter into a skirmish with the young man. Such straightforward behavior should not be taken as serious reproaches and taken to heart.
When a young man endures a date, he does not consider himself an optional person. Psychologists explain this behavior only as the male ego. The thought that his deeds and excuses are not as important as the relationship with his loved one cannot creep into his head.
But if he finds himself in a complete opposite situation, then he will surely flare up and will demand detailed explanations. He believes that if a girl gave her word, she should keep it, that he does not equate himself with this criterion.
Men's inconsistency, psychologists consider one of the problems of the strong half of humanity. That is why a man can make an appointment for the evening, and then literally in half an hour transfer it to the next day. Where, in this case, to take a good mood from a girl. And what is most interesting, he believes that you are obliged to endure his antics, since he is a man. This is where that girl should think about whether she needs this egoist.
Sometimes the following situation happens when a guy shows some level of interest in a girl, but then he starts to pick and choose, endure a date, finding various reasons. There is some kind of resentment in his behavior, he closes in communication, which leads to his desire to dominate in a relationship with a girl.
In this case, the first thing that creeps into the girl’s head is to get very angry, yell at him and throw out all her emotions on him. It is in this case that psychologists believe that a girl should not restrain herself and try to try on the situation, nothing will change anyway, this is the psychology of guys, but to promote this state of his.
You should not shout, you need to tell him in a loud monotonous voice what she thinks without hysteria, and stop communicating with him for some period. Thanks to this, even if it happened after the first date, even after a month of meetings, the guy will probably call and not only apologize, but also invite you to a romantic dinner.
Thus, if a young man is interested in a relationship, he will wean himself from allowing himself to be late or reschedule dates. The only thing that the girl needs in this case is to set up not to communicate with him at all for the first time, and not in an hour to take and call him. Otherwise, the effect simply will not be. According to psychologists, this technique needs to be improved in relation to the temperament of a young person.
The next situation occurs when a young man, according to him, is constantly busy and cannot meet. Psychologists are divided on this issue, but in most cases they agree on one thing, that this is a simple disguise, which hides the lack of interest on the part of the guy to the girl.
Often, this is exactly what happens. This state of mind is very convenient for a guy, because at any moment he can call and reschedule a date, stay late for a meeting, and if he gets bored with your company directly on a date, he can simply leave and not drag out the date for a long time, substantiating this with the same deeds and worries .
And when the girl, again, did not wait for him on a date, or he simply, as usual, forgot to call and warn, all she hears in response is how he was very busy, and he did not even have a minute to dial SMS from three words. This may not go on for a year. It all depends on how much patience the girl has.
Based on the current state of affairs, we can conclude that the guy has absolutely no time to pay attention to the girl. Often this position develops also because the guy is trying to hide a parallel relationship with another.
According to psychologists, this position is taken by guys who want to have a girl with them as a fallback just in case. It is unlikely that a girl will have a mutual relationship with such a young man.
As you know, if a person has some kind of feeling for another - a soul mate, then he will make every effort and will definitely find precious time to meet his beloved. In this case, he does not need to look for an excuse why it is not possible not to come on a date. Here, the girl just needs to dot the “and”, and announce to the guy that this can no longer continue, let him decide what he wants.
How to understand guys whose psychology of behavior sometimes defies explanation? Here the girl will have to figure it out herself, because only she is able to bring the guy to clean water and determine whether he is lying to her or not.
What reasons can prevent you from meeting your partner at the appointed time? Intersection of interests, an unexpected event at work that requires your presence; changed circumstances; illness; traffic jams or the phone is broken and you urgently need to buy a new one and you are still looking for the best prices for Nokia phones. In what cases should you apologize to your partner for rescheduling or canceling a meeting?- Polite people always apologize.
- Polite people in a higher position may not apologize.
- In the event that you asked for a meeting, but your partner postpones it, he or she simply reports that he or she has to reschedule the meeting.
When talking about rescheduling a meeting, they usually use the familiar schedule verb with the re prefix:
re-schedule- postpone
Re means to repeat, change.
| Sheila? Jim MacDuggan. I "d Like to reschedule today" s meeting with Dana. Could you ask her if she's free tomorrow, same time? | Sheila? Jim McDuggan. I'd like to reschedule our meeting with Dana. Could you ask her if she can meet me tomorrow at the same time? |
| Yes, Mr. MacDuggan. I "ll call you back after I talk to her about it. | Yes, Mr. McDuggan. I'll call you back after I've spoken to her. |
| thanks. Oh yes, will you please tell her that Mr. Gray unexpectedly came for a short visit today, and I just have to be in the office. | Thanks. Yes, and could you tell her that Mr. Gray is here for a short time, so I need to be in the office. |
| sure. | Certainly. |
From a fairly informal conversation, it is clear that our partners occupy approximately the same position, and the explanation provided by Jim is simple courtesy. If you need to reschedule a meeting with a person you are interested in working with, you should provide better reasons for rescheduling the meeting.
| Ms. needham? This is Etia Smith. We have a meeting scheduled fortonight, at 7PM. I "m sorry I cannot make it. Could we re-schedule, please? | Miz Needham? This is Ella Smith. We have an appointment for today at 7pm. Sorry, I can't meet you. Could you schedule another time, please? |
| Has anything happened, Elia? | Is something wrong, Ella? |
| Well my supervisor, Mr. Grey, asked me to submit my plan by Monday... | Well, my manager, Mr. Gray, asked me to submit a work plan by Monday... |
| I see. Hmm, my schedule is quite hectic alt week. How about you call my secretary on Tuesday? She'll tell you when we can meet. | Clear. Hmm, I have a busy schedule all week. Why don't you call my secretary on Tuesday? She will tell you when we can meet. |
| Thank you, Ms. Needham. | Thank you, Ms. Needham. |
Hello!
I must warn you right away: fortune-telling about the motives of the behavior of third parties is fortune-telling. And no more. None of those present here can reliably know for what reason a man avoids meetings. One can only guess.
The reasons may be completely different. For example, these:
1. In fact, he does not need "live" communication. Enough virtual. And he agrees to meetings only under your "pressure". And retreats at the last moment.
2. A man is simply not confident in himself, he is afraid that when you meet you will be disappointed in him and therefore delays this frightening moment until the last.
3. The force majeure he wrote about actually happened (grandmother, illness)
4. Anything Else
10. And anything else.
In fact, all this is not very important. Another thing is important: if a person is really interested in the development of acquaintance, then he himself will look for opportunities for such development. And if there are any obstacles, then he will sincerely and noticeably regret that these obstacles have appeared, as well as offer options to get around them. For example, like this: “Hi! We agreed to meet on Sunday, but you need to meet your grandmother and at that time. I'm sorry, but I can't do it on Sunday. Maybe we can meet earlier or later? Like Saturday or Monday? As it suits you best?". In this way, he would demonstrate his desire to see each other.
Apparently, you yourself understand this very well ( Usually, when people get sick, they feel it, they explain it more vividly, apologize, and offer to reschedule it. not dry sms)
how should I behave now? - Indicate your desire to develop familiarity and disagreement with purely virtual communication. Then take a break and let him take his step.
Should you be the first to get in touch? - See above
Learn about well-being? - Yes, it's a courtesy that won't hurt anyone.
Friday is his birthday - congratulations? - If you hope for the development of acquaintance, then yes, congratulations.
Or will all this underestimate my already low importance for him?- No one knows how he will react
Or keep quiet now and wait for an answer? - Already answered (Indicate your desire to develop acquaintance and disagreement with purely virtual communication. Then take a break and give him the opportunity to take his step already)
And abruptly become busy ... not to ignore, but to go the distance? - It's not clear what you mean by distance. It's better to just not get involved.
Is it worth it to say that I do not like such cancellations, that this is disrespect for me and my time?
- It's really worth saying about "dislike".
It is important to understand that relationships cannot be built alone. This is a process in which two people are involved. You can and should take your own steps, take your own actions. Undoubtedly. But you need to “leave room” for the steps of another person. And if this other person does not take his steps, does not take any action, then it will still not work to create a relationship. Treating with understanding the difficulties that a person experiences (illness, force majeure, fears) is one thing. And not to notice that a person simply does not want is quite another.
Wisdom to you.
There will be questions - contact me, I will help you figure it out.
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