The child is afraid to hit back at school. Should you teach your child to hit back?

Many parents complain about the excessively aggressive behavior of their child, but there are those who are concerned that their baby is too peaceful and passive. How to teach a child to stand up for himself, in what ways, when and how to behave to parents in the event of a conflict in which the child has fallen, we will deal with these and other questions below.

Worries like “he will grow up to be a weakling” and “they will offend him all his life” are not groundless, because every person in society must be able to defend his “I”. Of course, no one says that calm and non-confrontational people can achieve less in life than active and aggressive ones. You just need to make it clear to the child when and in what situations self-defense is necessary, and in what form to show it.

Before you teach your child self-confidence, figure out how necessary it is. Psychological practice shows that the softness and weakness of the child are more often dissatisfied with those parents who themselves in childhood could not resist the aggressors and offenders. Understand the situation: does it make sense to convince the child that resentment and physical protection depend on it if he simply handed out all the toys in the sandbox, and he picks himself with one spatula, or if he is pushed endlessly in the process of active play. Perhaps your child just wants to share, or active games are not suitable for him.

If you decide that your child needs help urgently and needs to develop confidence, follow a few rules.

1. Understand the atmosphere in the family.

Pay attention to the fact that you are not punishing your child too often and unreasonably. If you endlessly shower your child with reproaches for his indecision and weakness, he can close himself even more, just not to hear your censures. The child may be afraid of the condemnation of the parents and not talk about the fact that he is being offended.

No need to constantly compare the baby with others, showing that he is somehow worse. This will only spoil the child's self-esteem and certainly will not solve the problem.

Talk more with your child, learn trust and openness together.

If in your family, on the contrary, they take care of the baby too much, they protect it from everything around, then this can lead to the development of shyness and conflict-freeness. The child will not know how to resolve conflict situations in vain, and the aggressive attitude of other children will not scare him, but surprise him.

Love and kindness in the family is wonderful, but you should not limit the child’s communication because of the possible aggressive antics of other children. Your child should know what to expect when in the company of peers.

2. Learn to admit your own mistakes.

What does a child most often do if he has done something, even if by accident? Of course, run away, or say that he is not to blame. Teach your child to recognize his actions, understand mistakes in behavior and take responsibility for them. Explain that if no one was hurt, then everything is fixable. If the kid did something on purpose, then let him know about the fallacy of the act and its possible consequences.

When your child learns to accept his mistakes, he will become much more confident in himself, and in the future he will be able to deal with conflict situations. Explain that you should not get hung up on such trifles, and that there are much more serious grievances in life.

3. Teach not to show reactions to verbal attempts to humiliate.

From name-calling and far-fetched nicknames, no one is immune. In kindergarten and at school, they can distort the surname, try to humiliate and insult with nicknames and teasers. Climbing on the offender with fists is not an option. Explain to your child that the best thing to do in such a situation is to ignore the bully. As soon as the bullies see that their aggression is not being responded to, they will stop bothering the child.

Of course, such tactics are suitable for petty insults, and not for serious public humiliation.

Moms take note!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me, but I’ll write about it))) But I have nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too ...

4. Learn not to show fear.

Upon returning from school, older children threaten or take away money - the situation is not new. Tell your child that no one, no matter who they are, has the right to force them to do something against their will, to threaten or even beat them. Of course, the conflict is best resolved peacefully. You need to pull yourself together and not show your fear, conduct a conversation clearly and confidently. If this does not help, then teach the child to defend himself physically from attacks, show not too dangerous tricks.

If your child decides to stand up for another, let him be sure that he is right and also not show fear. Determination is easier to manifest when the fate of another person depends on it. Tell your child that protecting the weak is a just thing.

5. Get to know the true provocateur in person.

Observe the situation as it is real. Find out if your child himself is a provocateur of aggression. Perhaps it is he who bullies other children, and they react with cruelty. If so, make it clear to the child that it is his actions that cause the negative reaction of others.

6. Teach firmly to refuse.

Shows of kindness and responsiveness are good. It is necessary to make it clear to the child when they begin to use his kindness, and when friendship and camaraderie develop into manipulation. Giving away your lunch, doing a test for someone else to your detriment, constantly carrying a briefcase - such situations arise when a child is afraid that they will stop communicating with him, or be called a greedy person, excluded from the environment, etc. Explain to your child what true friendship is built on, what is really important to cherish. If a child is blackmailed, forced to give money, teach him to firmly refuse, defending his interests.

7. Let yourself solve the problem.

If a conflict arises involving your child, you should not immediately run to school or kindergarten, let the child solve the problem on his own. After all, the usefulness of your intervention is a moot point. Offenders will be punished, but your child may be considered a weakling and a sneak. Naturally, when it comes to beatings, thefts and other serious situations, then your intervention is necessary.

8. Help find friends.

If a child constantly gets into conflict situations, it is possible that he simply communicates with the wrong company. You should not limit him in communicating with old friends, so as not to cause internal protest, you just need to introduce him to other children. Go on a visit together, sign up for a circle or section. There the child can meet new friends and learn friendship in comparison. Calm children do not always become the object of aggression of others, even in the children's team they respect confident and self-sufficient children. It is important to get into a good team.

9. Learn to accept help.

Make sure that your child is not ashamed of his failures, develop confidence in him, let him feel your support. Then he will not be afraid and will not hesitate to ask you and his friends for help. Accepting help does not mean appearing weak. On the contrary, a person who internally feels support is able to stand up for himself and not be afraid of difficulties.

10. Go in for sports.

It is not necessary to lead a child to wrestling or boxing with the hope that he will fight back in case of danger. Although these sports are also good in their own way. Let the child do what he likes. Any sports load will strengthen both the body and the spirit, develop patience, which means they will add confidence.

As parents, remember that the most important thing is to justify to your child that protecting their interests is not always associated with violence. To prove to another that you are right, you do not need to constantly get into a fight. Who better than you, with your patience, care and understanding, can develop a child's self-confidence and self-confidence.

Moms take note!

Hello girls! Today I will tell you how I managed to get in shape, lose 20 kilograms, and finally get rid of the terrible complexes of overweight people. I hope the information is useful to you!

Some parents worry about the child’s constant aggression towards others, but it often happens that the excessive (according to the mother) peacefulness of the crumbs becomes a reason for excitement. It manifests itself in the inability to defend their toys on the court, unwillingness to fight back. Fathers also do not know how to teach a child to stand up for himself: “Life is very cruel, you need to be able to defend yourself”, “The strongest wins in battle, and the slobbers remain out of work.” Parents are afraid for their baby, realizing that they cannot be constantly around. That is why most adults want the child to be able to fend for himself. Trying to cultivate "willpower" and "courage", adults can break pedagogical firewood, so that this does not happen, you need to adhere to certain rules.

Very often, conflicts arise between children, which, according to some parents, can cause physical harm to the child. Should the kid respond with a fight to the aggressive behavior of their peers?

What should not be done?

Exaggerate

Trying to understand the conflict, it is necessary to distinguish between your attitude to the situation, and how the child perceives the current state of affairs. Ask your son or daughter: are they really offended and oppressed? Maybe these are your old grievances, raised from the depths of childhood, and now attributed to the baby? This is often the case.

Sometimes parents greatly exaggerate the offense inflicted on the child. From a trifle a whole tragedy is played out, inflating children's pride. It is very difficult for a person with hypertrophied sensitivity to improve his relations with society. These people have no friends. They try to find a catch in everything, get angry and offended by any sloppy phrases expressed in their address.

Pass on complexes to a child

Regular statements that the baby is being suppressed gradually instill an inferiority complex in the son or daughter. Focusing on trifling grievances, parents teach the baby to the unpleasant word “humiliation”. Often they shout about insults and humiliation of mom and dad, who in childhood themselves could not give a worthy rebuff to rivals. Clarify the situation, perhaps no one humiliates the baby, but they just make a reasonable remark to him.

Pressure on the child, the conviction of the child that the world is cruel, that it is necessary to give change, make the child withdrawn and unsure of his abilities in this world.

Scared of a difficult future

No need to instill in the child the fear of "universal cruelty"; constantly hearing such statements, the baby will clearly learn that “the world is big and heavy”, and he is small, and will not be able to withstand in the enemy camp. Such thoughts give rise to fear and insecurity in some children, and in others - aggression, within which the same fear is hidden. Fears paralyze the baby, preventing him from developing normally.

For the full formation of personality, the child needs to believe that the world is good. Yes, evil people and unpleasant situations occur, but this is the exception rather than the rule. In life there are many joyful and bright impressions. They need to focus the attention of the baby.

Eliminate the words "weak" and "slobbery"

Such epithets are rare, but found among individual popes as a reaction to the weakness of the son. Children of such fathers suffer even more. Firstly, conflict situations are unpleasant for them, and secondly, kids are afraid to upset their parents and get a portion of displeasure. Children shrink in themselves, preferring to hide problems and grievances, stop believing their parents. This guarantees even greater difficulties, because losing support in the face of adults, children become completely defenseless.

For many children, the father is the authority. But if the father expresses obvious dissatisfaction with his son, points to his weakness, then the child in this case receives great psychological trauma. At the same time, the relationship with the parent can hardly be called trusting.

accumulate anger

Explain to the child that there is no need to accumulate negativity, resentment and anger in the soul - this is destructive for the fragile child's psyche. Teach your baby to pour out his feelings, be sure to morally support him and give good advice. It is important that the baby fully trusts you and is confident in your support. To communicate with a child, you can use some of the advice of a psychologist.

What needs to be done?

Provide child protection

Protecting the baby is a must. Naturally, you should know the measure in everything. You should not arrange public squabbles and scandals over a trifling matter, but adults simply do not have the right to leave children alone with obvious aggressors. The child, having felt the unconditional support from the parents, will gather his courage and eventually deal with the offenders on his own. Until this time, adults should provide the baby with reliable protection.

Remove from traumatic environment

If a child is reluctant to go to kindergarten, because he is regularly offended there, then you should definitely talk to the teachers. Teachers and administration in the kindergarten are responsible for the health and mental well-being of their pupils. The duties of educators include creating a friendly atmosphere in the group, teachers must appease the fighters and stop the bully. If the problems continue, it may be necessary to transfer the baby to another group.

If conflicts arise in the garden, you must contact the teacher. Yet their job is to watch over the children. If this does not help, an option may be to transfer the child to another group.

Exclude provocations

Changing a school or kindergarten group is a great way to get rid of annoying offenders, but sometimes it happens that a kid in any team becomes a victim of fighters and aggressors. In this case, it is worth taking a closer look at the child - perhaps he himself provokes a fight. Usually, bullies and sneaks are not accepted in the team - children who bully themselves, and then immediately run to complain. Children's company is sometimes a cruel and ruthless society. Those who are unable to fit into it are expelled for a long time, and even forever, so it is necessary that the student learn not how to protect himself, but the ability to get along with people, not be offended, and be sarcastic, but to be polite and friendly.

Problem solving in preschool

Children under the age of one often play alone. The first need for communication with peers appears only by the age of one and a half. At this age, kids have an increased interest in peers, kids make their first attempts to play together in a common sandbox. Children learn to fully play together by the age of 2-3 years. It is difficult for children of preschool age to keep something for a long time. In the game, they constantly take something from each other. Don't get involved, maybe it's just an exchange and the kids are learning about each other before they make friends.

When kids have a problem while playing, adults often tell them to figure it out themselves, or tell them to fight back. These phrases are incomprehensible for three-year-olds, and the kids simply do not know how to behave. The task of parents is to tell the child how to defend himself and adequately get out of conflict situations.

Starting from the age of three, kids begin to communicate with their peers, and small conflicts may arise. Already from this period, parents should conduct conversations with babies in order to teach them how to behave with other children.

• Do not be upset when your baby calmly gives all the toys to other children on demand, or does not respond to the aggressor. Most often, this happens because the baby develops in a prosperous and friendly family. The attacks of his peers are simply amazing, not annoying.
• Do not forget that two-year-olds are completely unable to understand conflicts on their own. Do not stray far from the baby so that he feels safe. Watch the game and intervene if you feel the child's obvious discomfort.
• Try to team up with friendly kids for an exciting game. After a while, the bullies will also catch up with the players, so as not to stay away from an interesting event.
• Teach children to show that some actions of others are unpleasant to him. If someone else's child bullies your baby, shows constant aggression, then say loudly: “It is not customary for us to fight and push. This is very ugly. No one plays with fighters." These words will be enough to calm down the little aggressor.
• Do not allow children to harm each other with words or actions. Keep a close eye on the sandbox, distract the children if necessary, and move the game in a safe direction. The task of adults is to teach children flexibility, and the rules of behavior in society.
• If all the ways to deal with a small aggressor have been exhausted (distracted, explained, warned), but he still does not lag behind, you can decide on an extreme measure - invite your child to pinch the offender on the side. This will not bring serious moral and physical damage, but it will show that there is opposition to any force, and your child is able to stand up for himself. It should be explained that pinching is possible only in the most serious case, when other means have not brought results.

Teach your child to resolve conflicts with words, while supporting him morally so that the baby feels protected

How to resolve conflicts at school?

By school, children have a serious need for a positive assessment of their actions by adults. The child develops a sense of conscience as a reaction to the violation of established rules and prohibitions. At this age, a sense of responsibility and duty is developed, new fears arise - to be unrecognized, uninteresting, not to meet the requirements of society.

The child develops a clear theory of what it means to be good, he understands perfectly well what is included in this concept. Seven-year-olds are particularly susceptible to suggestion.

Why doesn't the child know how to defend himself?

Psychologists answer this question as follows:

1. Adults taught that fighting is bad, thereby shaping the concept in the preschooler that good children do not get involved in a fight, even if they are bullied.
2. The child does not respond to the bully, not because he is scared, but because a fight is not the best solution to the conflict.
3. The child has no experience of communicating with peers. Most often these are kids who did not go to kindergarten. Such children are not afraid of teachers at school and know how to communicate with adults - for example, mothers, grandmothers, nannies. The child did not learn to negotiate with peers, because troubles were always warned and stopped by their parents.

Adjustment of family methods of education

The inability to stand up for oneself is often dictated by the peculiarities of upbringing in the family:

1. Parents resolve issues without conflict, or "behind closed doors", not allowing the child to watch how relatives show their defensive reactions. In fact, most reactions children learn from their parents, other adults, sometimes even cartoon characters. If a child sees from infancy how dad gets into a fight, trying to punish an opponent, then it is not surprising if an inveterate fighter grows out of a baby.
2. An overly strong-willed mother, active and persistent, able to solve all problems for her baby, and taking on the hardest work.
3. A restless mother or an anxious grandmother, protecting the baby from “unwanted” contacts, and controlling every movement of the baby. Such mothers can be recognized on the playground by constant shouting: “Don't run! Don't climb! You will fall! Move away from the slide, etc.”
4. During the period of formation of independent skills (3-4 years), the child was protected in every possible way from this very independence, depriving him of the opportunity to achieve the goal himself.

Before scolding the baby for pugnacity or, conversely, cowardice, remember: how do you resolve conflicts in the family? The child is a reflection of the parents, so adults need to set a personal example of flexible behavior with other people.

How can you help your child learn to take care of himself?

Try the following to help your child:

1. Allow your child to communicate with peers more often, while telling him that hitting back is not shameful. If the child is not able to respond to the aggressor physically, then tell me a more acceptable way of protection, you can sternly and loudly shout to the aggressor so that he does not open his arms. The main thing in defense is confidence. To a person who is confident in his abilities, even if he is very small, the offender will never approach just like that.
2. Check again the family system of prohibitions and punishments. Maybe it's time to revisit it. Don't push the kids too hard. Children should often be praised, emphasizing their dignity. Often tell your child that he is already an adult, independent and strong. Such moral support will give the child self-confidence.
3. Try acting out scenes from real life with your child. Let him be “offensive”, and you show how to competently get away from an open conflict. The more scenes you play, the greater the chance that one of the options for resolving the dispute will be adopted by the child.
4. Maintain constant contact and trust with your child. Cultivate a sense of confidence in him. At the same time, dads will not be superfluous to teach the child the basic rules of self-defense.
5. Help your child overcome fear. The best way, if he does not just fight back a strong opponent, but protects a weaker one: a young child, new to school, a girl who is bullied by mischief-makers. By developing in the child a sense of pity and a desire to help, you will drown out his insecurity in front of the aggressor.

Of course, it's good when a child has physical strength and can hit back at any offender. However, in life it is much more useful to be able to negotiate without fists. Explain to your son and daughter that the best fighter is the one who stops the fight without a single blow.

Parents of preschoolers and even schoolchildren often have the question of how to teach a child to stand up for himself.

How to do it, psychologists will tell.

What to do if a child bites his nails? Learn about it from ours.

Psychology and causes

Why can't a child fight back?

adults, often without realizing it, form different and in a child.

Trying to instill correctness and politeness in the baby, we sometimes forget that we need to be able to stand up for ourselves.

Mom says: fighting is bad, and, learning this, the child cannot fight back.

Example. They try to take away a toy from a child in the sandbox. The kid resists, not wanting to give what is his, but the grandmother says: give it back, are you sorry? With each such situation, the child learns that it is not necessary to fight for one's own. It seems that adults wanted the best, but it turned out the other way around.

Another example. The parents of the baby are very despotic, the child is brought up in harsh conditions. He is not allowed to express his own opinion, constantly criticized, belittled.

As a result, an underestimated one is brought up. The child is afraid to be strong not only in front of adults, but also to his peers. The fear of punishment brings up in him.

If the baby is by nature has a weak nervous system, health problems, it is more difficult for him to cope with the difficulties of the outside world. The problem is exacerbated by overprotection.

Adults want to protect from difficulties, but in fact they do not allow the child to learn how to cope with external influences, difficult situations.

Arises problem avoidance response.

When a child is bullied by peers, the mother's first reaction is to save him. But in fact, he is quite capable of fending for himself.

And if adults always protect him, this can cause ridicule from other children, which also hits the child's self-esteem. Proper upbringing- a whole science, and parents should carefully choose methods of influence.

Criticism and accusations from parents also negatively affect the child's self-esteem.

He was defeated in a fight- instead of supporting and telling how to act correctly, parents swear - a coward, a weakling, thereby provoking the formation of self-doubt and the feeling that he is not capable of anything.

What to do if the baby is not able to fend for himself?

To start you can't scold him.

If a child has low self-esteem, you need to find a way to increase his self-confidence.

Criticism and accusations lead to the opposite result.- the baby will become even weaker, many complexes and fears will appear, he will avoid and will not be able to protect himself.

However, this does not mean at all that it is necessary to learn to rush at the offender with fists without understanding the situation. Even if the child is still small, it is useful for him to develop self-control skills.

The task of parents is to educate a strong, self-sufficient personality, able to distinguish between an attack for no reason and a forced defense.

Children incredibly receptive to what they are told. Therefore, parents have to be careful with the methods of education.

It is difficult for unsociable children to fend for themselves, so it is important to pay attention to proper socialization. If the child does not go to kindergarten, take him to development groups, circles where he will be in contact with other children, learn to cooperate.

In some teams there is unhealthy environment. This happens because adults do not pay enough attention to establishing a favorable atmosphere within the group.

In this case, the correct solution might be transfer of the child to another institution.

Choose a kindergarten where the individuality of children is taken into account, where an individual approach is sought for each child.

If he sits alone in the corner and doesn't play, competent educators they will find a reason and do everything so that preschoolers enter the team and learn to communicate with their peers.

Often parents themselves provoke aggressive behavior. Each group has a child with a problematic upbringing.

Pay the attention of the educator and psychologist to his behavior, let them discuss it with his parents.

How to teach a child to give back?

What to do if your son or daughter is attacked and he does not respond:

Be sure to talk to your teacher. Find out why peer influence is allowed on the child.

If you have changed kindergarten or school, but it continues, then it is not the environment, but the child himself.

Watch how he communicates with his peers, ask teachers about his behavior, how he provokes other children. Have a conversation with him, draw his attention to how he behaves and that it is his behavior that provokes conflicts.

Children with victim complex noticeable, usually immediately.

They have slumped shoulders and head, as if they want to hide, they try to look away, because they do not like eye contact.

Their voice is quiet, monotonous, speech is uncertain, it is difficult for them to immediately answer the phrases addressed to them. They can cry, run away, complain to caregivers. If you see a child showing signs of a victim, start working on his behavior.

Important: criticism, accusations, ridicule is not allowed. Parents should do everything possible to increase self-esteem.

Invite the child to straighten his shoulders, pay attention to him that in this state he feels stronger. Find him a hobby that will help him gain confidence and self-esteem because of his accomplishments.

Parental support is important. Children who are brought up in an authoritarian style do not know how to decide anything on their own. They have such personality traits as depression, lack of initiative, hostility, lack of self-control.

The consequence of overprotection is infantilism, dependence, uncertainty, passivity. That is why parents should pay attention to what methods of education and influence they use.

Parents of small children, aged 2-4 years, often have questions: “ Should you teach your child to hit back?», « How to teach a child to hit back?», «», « When should you start teaching your child to fight back?».

To find answers to these questions, you first need to understand what " hit back and when it is generally acceptable.

So, what does "Give it back" mean? Reply if you've been offended. There is even a phrase that characterizes this action: an eye for an eye. It turns out that if a child was verbally insulted, he must stand up for himself with words, if he was pushed, he must push in response, if hit - hit, if they took the toy - also pick it up. So?

But, here it is important to take into account the moment that the preschooler himself must determine the degree of resentment inflicted on him and choose the appropriate option for surrender. If the child was offended, it will be difficult for him to adequately assess the degree of impact of the offender. In practice, everything happens as follows: if the hurt is not very strong, the child can respond verbally, and if the cup of patience is full, surrender is given physically, and the offense can be both verbal and physical.

Should a child be allowed to fight back?

To find the answer to this question, you need to take into account that a toddler under 4 years old does not know how to analyze his actions, the reasons for his actions, to control himself and his behavior. And only from the age of 4, the baby slowly begins to talk about what his actions can lead to. What does this mean? That preschoolers cannot control their behavior and desire to fight back, as well as assess the consequences of their actions. So should they be allowed to fight back?

Temperament and Surrender

It's no secret that there are children who can't stand up for themselves at all. These are the so-called "quiet" (melancholic and phlegmatic). But choleric people are more quick-tempered, emotional, they do not always restrain their emotions and actions.

If you allow a child to fight back, keep in mind that he will not always use violence only in the situation in which you would like. He will understand that this is a way to resolve conflicts and always use it, there will be fights, conflicts between children, and someone needs to be responsible for this. It may be that someone looks at the child the wrong way, says something wrong, and he hits back. You need it?

How to teach a child to stand up for himself? After all, there are situations when a toy was taken away from the crumbs, and he stands and cries. I recommend teaching your baby to defend his interests verbally. In a situation with a toy, the baby must say that this is his toy, and he has not yet finished playing with it. Request her back.

If you teach your child to fight back, you put him at risk, because one of the parents may also want to teach his child to fight back, and he will be stronger and larger ...

What do parents want to achieve when they teach a child to "strike back"?

1. They want the kid to learn to defend their interests.
2. They want him to be able to stand up for himself.
3. They want to not let themselves be offended.
4. They want to be able to properly punish the offender.

But, all these tasks can be solved in a different way, without using physical violence.

First, you can resort to the help of an adult: a parent, educator, teacher. Of course, this option may be perceived by someone as snitching, but this is one of the ways to resolve the conflict peacefully.

Secondly, in the civilized world it is customary to resort to negotiations before using any force, so the following steps are recommended:

1. If the child was hit, he should ask the offender why he did it, because it hurt.

2. Threaten: “If you hit me again, I will hit back”, “I will tell the teacher”, “I will not be friends with you”.

3. If the threat does not work, only then implement the punishment: tell the teacher, or at worst, really respond physically.

If you teach your child in this way, it will be easier for him in adulthood to resist force in negotiations.

What do you think about this? Should you teach your child to hit back? How to teach a child to fight back, stand up for himself? Write in the comments, and if you liked the article, share the link with your friends on social networks.

Anyone can get angry - that's easy; but to be angry with the right person, and as much as necessary, and when necessary, and for the right reason, and in the right way - this is not given to everyone.

/Aristotle/

One of the parents complains about the irrepressible aggression of the child, but it often happens that the "excessive" (from the point of view of adults, again!) peacefulness of the baby becomes a cause for concern. The inability to stand up for oneself, for the selected toy, the inability to hit back the offender. You often hear (from dads in particular) that “life is cruel today”, that the strongest survive in this struggle, and the “weak” is doomed ...

I have always been confused by such statements. I will not argue that the modern world is a Garden of Eden. It's just that life is different. And life experience shows that with a "carrot" you can often achieve no less than stepping on the heads of "enemies and rivals."

This article will discuss not only how to teach a child to stand up for himself in a critical situation, but also how to help parents correctly assess the situation and reactions of their own child.

Consider a real case from the practice of a child psychologist.

Styopa played well with the children, but we did not like that he was more inclined to obey, - says Svetlana. - They will take away his bucket, he does not protest. They will ask for a machine - they will give it. The husband looked at it, looked, and then began to teach him: "If something is taken away from you, do not stand on ceremony. Give it to your nose once, and everyone will fall behind."

Everyone is really behind. And they even asked Svetlana to walk with Styopa somewhere else. Fortunately, there was a park next to the house, and there was enough space. Fortunately, Svetlana did not wait until adolescence, but tried to quickly make amends for the results of her father's pedagogy. True, she did not succeed immediately: the boy began to get a taste, he liked that everyone was afraid of him. The only thing that saved the situation was that, by nature, Styopa was mild-mannered. What if the seeds fell on better prepared soil? If, say, he was heightened touchy, aggressive? It is easy to unbrake a child, but it is much more difficult to reverse the process.

So, in order not to break pedagogical firewood for parents, we will start with their problems.

What can not be done?

1.1. Are you sure that you are not making an elephant out of a fly?

It seems to us that it is important to separate two points: the attitude towards the situation of the child himself and the attitude of the parents. And ask: is the situation so dramatic in the eyes of your son or daughter? Is it true that they are offended, humiliated, suppressed? Or is it that some long-standing grievances have stirred up in you yourself, and you involuntarily attribute your ideas about life to children? Unfortunately, this is often the case.

Let's listen to a psychologist Tatyana Shishova: “Often, adults make an elephant out of a fly, and this only harms their child, because along with the “fly” (a trifling insult), his pride is inflated. And inflated, hypertrophied self-esteem prevents a person from building relationships with others normally. He looks for a catch in everything, flashes like a match, at the slightest careless word spoken to him. Watch people who are fixated on upholding their own dignity. Do they have many friends? Resentment is generally a very bad, harmful feeling. It corrodes the soul, awakens in it anger, envy, hatred.

Yes, I remember from my childhood cases of real humiliation, when my classmates poisoned an objectionable girl (!): they persecuted, ridiculed, even gathered to “beat” her! We will consider such situations later.

1.2. Do not impose your complexes on the child!

A direct consequence of paragraph number 1.1.

Arguing that the child is humiliated and suppressed, parents often lay in them an inferiority complex. If an adult had not fixed on some petty injustice committed in relation to his child, he, perhaps, would not have noticed anything. Well, they pushed... well, they teased... well, they didn't take it into the game... Who doesn't happen to? They didn’t accept it now, but in half an hour they will. Two minutes ago you were pushed, and two minutes later you will rush somewhere headlong and also accidentally push someone ... Childish insults are usually unstable and quickly disappear. Quite often, yesterday's enemy becomes the best friend, and vice versa.

Here's what notes Tatyana Shishova: “When adults fixate on an offense, it acquires a qualitatively different status, as if it receives official recognition. But some parents do not just focus the attention of the child on trifling grievances. They also seal them with the terrible word "humiliation". I remember one mother in a half-hour conversation repeated ten times that her boy was "humiliated" at school. And it was only meant that the teacher in front of the guys made comments to him and, finally, sent him to a separate desk, because he fidgeted, distracting the neighbors.

1.3. Listen to yourself: what words and images do you use?

Judge for yourselves, what does an adult implicitly tell a child, instilling in him the idea of ​​the "cruelty of the world" and the need to "break through with a fight"? - The child begins to feel in the enemy's camp. And since the world is big and the child is small, he does not feel and cannot feel the strength to conquer the whole world. Therefore, some children develop fears, while others develop aggressiveness, in the depths of which the same fear is hidden.

For normal development, it is absolutely necessary for a child to believe that the world is good. Yes, it can contain individual inclusions of evil, but it is inclusions that are rare and certainly overcome by good. . Otherwise, fear paralyzes the child, slows down his intellectual and emotional development!

And here it’s not just anyone, but their own parents, whose word weighs much more for a small child than the words of all other people, knock out support from under him, undermine his ideas about the kindness and justice of the world around him. Instead of protecting his son from offenders, the father, on the one hand, inflates fears in him, and on the other, deprives the baby of self-respect, calling him a slobber. After that, it is rather naive to expect any positive changes in the behavior of a timid child.

1.4. Do not call the child "slobber" (even in your thoughts)!

Fortunately, not many parents sin with this - mostly dads of boys. Many children are even more constrained because they cannot overcome fear and, moreover, they are afraid of displeasing their dad. That is why they prefer to complain less about the offenders, hide their feelings, stop trusting their parents, alienate themselves from them. This gives rise to even greater problems, because, losing support in the face of adults, the child feels his complete defenselessness. And if he is also naturally timid, fear of the world can become panicky.

Well, remember about Neuro-Linguistic Programming! ..

2.1. If the child is small, then protect until he can protect himself.

It is essential to protect children. Of course, you should not be like squabblers who, for any reason, run to "swing rights" to school, kindergarten, and the yard. But to leave a child defenseless (and even reproach him with the fact that he cannot stand up for himself!) adults simply do not have the right. After all, this is the most natural betrayal.

Believe me, if a child could deal with offenders without outsiders, he would do it with pleasure. As soon as he gathers his strength, he will no longer need your help. In the meantime, this has not happened, the duty of the parents is to provide him with reliable protection.

In the end, we, too, do not always cope with our offenders on our own, and in some cases we resort to the help of the police. How would you look at the policemen, who, when asked to protect you from unbridled bandits, would answer:

What are your fists for? Protect yourself as best you can. A person must be able to stand up for himself.

Do you think it is unreasonable to compare small unbridled hooligans with big ones? But your child is also small. And for him, Petka and Kolka, who terrorize the yard, are as terrible as they are for you - real terrorists.

2.2. Remove from traumatic environment.

If a son or daughter is regularly offended in kindergarten, it is necessary to talk with the teachers. Remember: the administration of the children's institution that your child attends is legally responsible for his physical and mental health. Therefore, educators are obliged to monitor the psychological climate in the group, appease fighters, and not allow one child to tease others.

Two kindergartens or two schools located across the road from each other can be as different as heaven and earth. When I hear stories of bullying and bullying in the classroom, it surprises me. I certainly believe that this may be true. But in my school were other values. Erudition and culture were held in high esteem. Losers and hooligans were boycotted. If things are different at your school, maybe you should gather your courage and transfer your child to another educational institution?

2.3. Take a closer look at your own child: does he provoke aggression himself?

Often it is enough to change the kindergarten or school, and the question of how to protect yourself from offenders is removed by itself. But if a child, wherever he goes, turns out to be a victim of fighters, then it’s not just about the team. Most likely, there is something in him that provokes offenders. Sustained aggression is often provoked by "splintered" children. The ones who bully themselves and then run to complain. And you need to teach them not so much to fight back as to get along with others: do not envy, do not be offended, treat the guys kindly, do not be sarcastic, etc.

Well, here we are, smoothly moving from adults to children..

When we advise you to take a closer look at a child, we mean not only the features of his character, but also, of course, age.

Usually on the first year of life Most of the time children play alone and do not pay attention to other kids. To 14-15 months interest in others increases, and the kids are trying to learn how to play together. By the age of two, they begin to interact, but more often, each of them focuses on their game.

If during the game two or three year olds a problem arises, parents often tell them to figure it out themselves, or advise them to hit back. Unfortunately, in neither case, the kids are not able to correctly interpret the meaning of what was said and do not understand how to behave. The task of parents is to ensure that the child learns to adequately get out of difficult situations.

“- Do not be upset if your baby gives away all the toys when asked and does not respond to the offender. Most likely, this is because he grows up in a benevolent atmosphere and the attacks of his peers surprise him, and do not embitter him. (However, do not forget that a small child in a difficult situation needs our protection from aggressors - see paragraph 2.1).

Remember that children do not know how to figure it out on their own. To make the child feel emotionally safe, do not go far, watch him play.

Try to combine a few friendly kids for an interesting game. Most likely, bullies and fighters will try to join the players so as not to remain isolated.

If you notice that a child is playing with one mold because the others have been taken away from him, do not rush to conclude that "everything will be taken away from him all his life." Children are often wiser than we think, and their behavior can be a deliberate strategy.

Teach your child to show that some actions of other children are unpleasant to him. If the aggression of the "stranger" baby towards yours is constant, say: "Nobody pushes at our house. It's ugly. Nobody plays with the one who pushes and fights."

Remember that small children can sit still for a long time, occasionally babbling or passing something to each other. Do not rush to intervene and organize the game - the kids study each other before making contact.

Don't let toddlers hurt each other by word or action. Your task is to teach children flexibility. Keep a close eye on children playing and steer play in a safe direction if necessary.

If it so happened that you tried all the means of dealing with the aggressor (warned, said, distracted), but he still does not give up, you can resort to the last resort - offer the baby to pinch the offender by the ass. This will not bring him any harm, but it can sober up and make it clear that your child can stand up for himself. However, you must explain to the baby that this can only be done if other means have not helped.

By the age of six or seven years the child develops a strong dependence on the evaluation of an adult. The child develops such a feeling as conscience, which means that all reactions to the rules and prohibitions become significant and the child understands what the violation of prohibitions entails. There is a sense of responsibility and duty. A new fear also appears - to be unrecognized, not to meet the requirements of the social environment, to be not the one who is considered good. The child develops a clear concept of what it means to be good, he knows what is included in this concept. In addition, at this age, the child's suggestibility is increased.

Psychologist Svetlana Sushinsky reveals the following reasons why a child of this age cannot give back and stand up for himself:

1. “The child has formed the concept that “good” is the one who does not fight with other children, that it is bad to fight, that they are punished for it. And the more the child was told that it was bad to fight, the less likely he was to do it.

2. The fact that he does not give back is not because he is afraid and does not know how to do it, but because he does not consider this method acceptable for resolving the conflict.

3. The child does not know how to resolve conflicts and negotiate, since the experience of communicating with peers is small and often positive.

4. All conflicts were always warned by parents, and parents did not give “practice” in conflict resolution on your own.

The reasons may be related to the peculiarities of upbringing in the family and the nature of the parents:

1. In the family, all problems are resolved without conflict, and the child has never observed how close people show defensive reactions.

2. Too active mother, strong-willed, persistent, solving all his problems for the child and doing the most difficult work for him.

3. Anxious mother, who limited him from any shocks, from unnecessary contacts, warning every movement of the child.

4. During the period of development of independence (2-3 years), the child was limited in this very independence. As a result, the motive of avoiding failures instead of the motive of achieving the goal developed. That is, instead of achieving the goal, the child simply runs away from it.

Summarizing the above, we draw conclusions on how to help the baby:

3.1. Let your child interact more with other children. If the child cannot fight back, then you need to tell him a more acceptable way of protection. For example, if he is disgusted by the very fact of dissolving his hands, let him make sure that they cannot hit him, for example, warn the offender with a stern voice, show with all his appearance that he will not allow himself to be touched. Self-confidence is what matters. No one will approach a self-confident person just to hit or offend.

3.2. How is this self-confidence formed? Think again about the system of prohibitions and punishments at home, think about whether you are putting too much pressure on him morally, whether his conscience is overloaded with unnecessary prohibitions and restrictions. At the age of six or eight years, the praise and support of adults is important for a child. Treat your child with understanding, often say what an adult he is, how strong he is. Prove that you trust him, see him as an adult child and are always ready to help. Your support will give him confidence.

3.3. If a child fantasizes, how he will hit back the offender - play along with him, but so that it is not aggressive. Play out different scenes of how you can respond to the offender, and not only with the help of force. The more options you find, the more likely that one of the options the child will still find suitable for himself and use it in resolving the conflict.

3.4. We conquer fear. Fear is overcome more easily if the child repulses the enemy not for his own sake, but in defense of someone weak. He can protect some kid, a new one who first came to kindergarten, or a girl who is offended by mischievous boys.

I remember how I was helped to develop in myself the ungirlish courage of Krapivin's book, where the heroes rush to help the weak. And if the "enemy" seems bigger and more powerful, then the countdown "back" helped: five-four-three-two-one!... Fight for justice!

3.5. Wrestling techniques also do not interfere with mastering. We advise you to follow this link and read the advice of an experienced wrestler, u-dad Denis Mylarshchikov:

Truth is often born in disputes. Listen to the opinions of our moms and dads:

We wish peace and good to you and your children !