How to get a child to do something. The child does not want to study, do Homework: What to do
Persuasion, compromises and, to be honest, screams and scandals are used. But, as it turned out, to get a child to do homework without all these side effects, you just need to leave him alone. How to do it, said Ekaterina Murashova.
The child does not want to do homework. Story one
- I have a wonderful girl. Kind, sympathetic, affectionate, smart. If you ask her, she will always help me with the housework. For all the holidays, he draws pictures for me - “beloved mommy”. She is in the third grade. And he studies well! But look, I'm just crying, because I already have no strength. Why? Now I will say. Everything is fine with her, until it comes to preparing lessons.
She perfectly understands that the lessons still need to be done. Almost every evening we agree with her how everything will be tomorrow: she herself will sit down, they will quickly make them (for her it is not at all difficult), and we will not swear with her. But the next day it comes to the point and she has a hundred excuses: now I’ll finish the game, now I’ll drink some water, I’ll take the cat to my grandmother, my grandmother asked her to get a blanket from the closet (it was last night, but she remembered only now), but tell me me, mom, I have long wanted to ask you ... And all this can drag on for hours! At first I try to restrain myself, I answer calmly: come on then, sit down for lessons, it’s already evening, then you won’t think anything, but in the end I can’t stand it and just yell like a sergeant at a soldier: “Alena, sit down immediately, otherwise I I don't know what I'll do to you!" Here she is offended and begins to cry: “Mom, why are you always yelling at me?! What have I done wrong to you?" And I really feel like some kind of monster, because I have a good girl! But you can't not do lessons! And if everything is left to chance, then she will spend up to ten hours, when she already needs to sleep, and not solve mathematics ... What should we do? I don't want to ruin my relationship with my daughter!
The child does not want to do homework. Story two
- The most offensive thing is this: if he still sits down and concentrates, all these lessons will be for him - ugh! In half an hour or an hour everything will be done in the best possible way. When I was little myself, it was called willpower. We trained it ourselves, we understood that this is an important thing for life. So she doesn’t have it, I must responsibly declare this to you. We were with a psychologist before you, back in the fourth grade. She said he had an illness, attention deficit disorder. What a deficit, if he could always assemble Lego (such small parts, you know?) for five hours in a row, and now, if he catches it, the computer goes through such difficult levels that I myself would not have the patience! So it's not about illness, there is simply no responsibility for one's future destiny. And where to come from, if everyone around is only doing what they are entertained? I tell him: you understand, you just need to pull yourself together, sit down and do these damned lessons. And then that's all - walk until the evening, free! He seems to understand, but how it comes to the point ... Mothers and mother-in-law are generally rude. When they complain to me, and I - to him, he answers: I never touch them myself first, let them not climb, these are my lessons, after all ... I tried to clean the computer altogether. It is better with lessons - if there is absolutely nothing to do, they will do. But the mood is bad all the time, the situation in the family is explosive, and in general - the computer is not some kind of evil carrier, it is an important modern tool for everything, including for socialization and obtaining information, it is impossible today for reasons of some dubious it’s good to raise a child in a cave and feed him with roots ... But what to do, this is only the seventh grade, and we actually planned eleven, he has completely normal brains, all the teachers say it in one voice, and I can see it myself, but with such diligence...
The child does not want to do homework. Story three
- Oh, just don't start, please! I've heard this a thousand if not a million times! And I understand everything myself: the tenth grade, we must already get together and think about our future fate. You have to do a lot to pass the exam well ... well, what else is needed? I know everything! And I totally agree with you one hundred percent. My mother doesn’t believe me, she thinks I’m lying to her so that she gets off, but I don’t lie - I myself think all the time that, from tomorrow, from Monday, from the new quarter, I’ll take it properly, pull up what I missed, and I will do all the lessons every day. I really think so! Exactly until the moment when you need to put down the phone, turn off the computer, turn off the music (in our class there are those who can study to music and even to TV, but I can’t, I need silence) and finally sit down. And here is the full blown. You won’t believe it, sometimes I can’t even bring myself to get a textbook with a notebook out of my bag ... Sometimes I think: what am I, some kind of psycho, or something! I’ll force you anyway, I’ll bring the bag, take everything out, just get ready to work out ... And I immediately remember a hundred different things: Vika promised to call, “Vkontakte” I need to look at something urgently, my mother asked me to tighten the faucet in the kitchen on Wednesday ... I understand that There can be no pills for this, but maybe there is some kind of hypnosis?
Have you heard such monologues? Or maybe even pronounce them yourself?
Can you imagine how many thousands (yes, millions!) of parents and children around the world will pronounce them right today!
How to make a child do homework: advice from a psychologist
I want to give you amazing news: I think I know a technique to solve this problem! I want to say right away: this technique was not invented by me, but by a thirteen-year-old boy named Vasily. So if everything is correct and the Nobel Peace Prize in the family is due for solving such a common problem, then it’s not for me, but for him - Vasya.
To be honest, I didn't really believe him at first. It's all very simple. But I am an experimenter in upbringing and education. My first position after graduating from the university was called in the work book - “trainee researcher”.
So I did an experiment. I caught twenty families that in my office uttered monologues similar to the above, told them about Vasya's method, and persuaded them to try, and then report to me. Seventeen out of twenty reported (three simply disappeared from my field of vision). And sixteen out of seventeen - everything worked out!
What do we have to do? Everything is very simple. The experiment lasts two weeks. Everyone is ready for the fact that the child, perhaps, will not do homework during this time. None, never. With little ones, you can even agree with the teacher: the psychologist recommended an experiment to improve the difficult situation in the family, then we’ll work it out, pull it up, we’ll do it, don’t worry, Marya Petrovna. But put deuces, of course.
What's at home?
The child sits down for lessons, knowing in advance that he WILL NOT do them. This is clear? Well, here's the deal. Get books, notebooks, a pen, pencils, a drafting pad ... what else is needed for preparing lessons? Spread everything. But it is precisely TO DO LESSONS - it is not necessary at all. And this is known in advance. WILL NOT do it.
(But if you suddenly feel like it, then you can, of course, do something a little bit. But it’s completely optional and even undesirable, to be honest).
I completed all the preparatory steps, sat at the table for ten seconds and went, let's say, to play with the cat. Then, when the games with the cat are over, you can go to the table again. See what is asked. Find out if something is not recorded. Open your notebook and textbook to the correct page. Find the right exercise. And DO NOT DO ANYTHING again. Well, if you immediately saw something simple that you can learn in a minute (write, solve, underline), then you will do it. And if you took acceleration and didn’t stop, well, then something else ... But it’s better to leave it for the third approach. But here it is, it’s generally easy. In general, it is planned to get up and go to eat. But not lessons at all ... But this task doesn’t work ... it doesn’t work ... it doesn’t work ... Well, okay, now I’ll look at the GDZ solution ... Ah, so that’s what happened! How could I have not guessed something! .. And now what - only English is left? No, it DOES NOT HAVE to be done now. Then. When later? Well, now I’ll just call Lenka ... Why is it that while I’m talking with Lenka, this stupid English gets into my head? Drive him with a filthy broom! Yet! And further! Lenka, did you do this? But as? I didn’t enter something there ... Ah, that’s how it is there ... Yeah, I wrote it down ... But I won’t do it! NO NEED! And then suddenly I forget what I understood? No, well, it’s easier, of course, to do it now, although I didn’t intend to ... And what is it, it turns out that I have already done all the lessons ?! And there isn't much time yet? And no one forced me? Oh yes I am, well done! Mom did not even believe that I was already done! And then I looked, checked and so delighted!
Well, some such hodgepodge was presented to me by the boys and girls reporting on the results of the experiment (from the 2nd to the 10th grade). From the fourth “approach to the projectile”, almost everyone did their homework (many did it earlier, especially the little ones).
How it works?
Well, firstly, for many, the initiation moment itself is really difficult. Sit down (seat the child) for lessons. Then, when they sat down, everything is already easier (if not by itself) goes. Have you ever tried to recharge? Do you agree that the hardest thing is to force yourself to start? It is rare that someone has already stood in a pose on the mat, raised his hands, inhaled and - dropped everything in the middle of the exercise. If he has already started, he will finish it today, most likely ... It's the same here. We carried out preparatory actions without any coercion (I won’t do my homework, I’m free for two weeks, these are such experimental conditions), we successfully overcame the first step, and then a stereotype or something else was already on reflex.
Secondly, there is no resistance at all (to oneself and parents). I'm not going to do my homework. Vice versa. That is, I am not in danger. An experiment by a strange psychologist freed me for a while from a worn-out family record. I'm even curious...
Thirdly, paradoxical intention is included. And what kind of insanity is this? I’ve sorted out the textbooks, found the assignment, now I already see these examples, figured out how to solve them, here it’s necessary to shorten it ... And what - I won’t write it down now, but will I go watch TV? Some stupidity! No one obligated me to get only deuces during these two weeks! .. On the contrary - everyone will be surprised!
These are kids. Parents, of course, mostly just quietly thrived from the emotional discharge sanctioned by the psychologist.
Result: four children's performance became somewhat worse, but not at all catastrophic. In nine, it remained on average at the same level (but already without parental pressure).
True, almost everyone’s academic performance has changed: it suddenly became clear which subjects the child likes, which are easier, which are harder (this is understandable, because parents put more attention and pressure into what goes worse, and therefore the results there are often The children themselves, of course, did the opposite). that if you leave me behind, everything will be hurt! I'm right? No, now you're right here at the psychologist's, tell me, am I right?! And another child voluntarily abandoned the experiment on the third day and asked his parents to continue to force him to sit down for lessons, it’s more familiar and easier for him, he is nervous from this experiment and cannot fall asleep ... Mom, having learned from me about the rest of the results, quietly cried in my office and went to seat her child further. If a child asks...
Here is such a technique. I really liked it, to be honest. I share with readers, I'm sure that it will be useful to someone else.
How do you teach your child to do homework?
Often children do not want to do their homework, and the parent has to force them by completely non-pedagogical methods. To avoid conflict in this situation, you must first determine the reason for the unwillingness to work. Knowing the reason, it will not be difficult to determine the correct motivation.
Causes and their elimination
Children are most likely to be reluctant to do their homework when:
- Tired.
- They could not fully master the material, so they are not sure that they will cope.
- The task is not interesting to them, and they do not see the point in doing it.
- They are used to doing homework with their parents.
- They are lazy: pathological laziness is very rare, so you should not make such a diagnosis if the child at least does something with enthusiasm for quite a long time.
Having identified the interfering factor, proceed to its elimination.
Fatigue
At school, children are engaged in mental work for a long time - at least three hours with a teaching load of 4 lessons per week (high school students "work" even longer), and if they also do extracurricular activities, then even more. Therefore, after classes, they should rest. Having recovered physically and intellectually, children will learn the material better and faster, make notes more accurately.
It is desirable to allocate a certain amount of time to complete tasks. Ideally, from 3 to 6 pm, as the brain functions better at this time. You should start with the most difficult tasks first, leaving the easy ones for last.
To reduce fatigue during the day will allow compliance with the regime of work and rest.
note , proper nutrition, moderate physical activity (sports), good sleep will help prevent fatigue and avoid stressful conditions. Strict observance of regime moments contributes to the education of discipline and independence.
Uncertainty
In modern textbooks, there are usually no explanations for the wording of the text: it is assumed that the children will independently come to some conclusion in the lesson. If the student does not understand, then it will be very difficult for him to figure it out on his own. Negative statements of parents and teachers about the wrong actions also contribute to the development of uncertainty in their own success.
What to do in this case:
- Praise more often (but do not praise!) - there is always a reason for which you can praise the child.
- Offer to first try to complete the task on a draft , and if he can’t cope, help (the main thing is that the child knows that he will be helped if necessary).
- Criticize less (ideally, avoid such statements altogether).
- Offer to work with a tutor if it is not possible to give the child the necessary knowledge (for example, in a foreign language).
Do not solve difficult tasks for your children . They still do not understand how to solve them, but they will conclude for themselves that their parents will be able to do any task for them. As a result, adults do homework even for high school students!
No interest
The child is not interested in doing homework when he does not realize its necessity. In this case, what role does homework play in the learning process.
You should not resort to threats: “If you don’t do your homework, they will put a deuce!”. Such statements will be effective only for a younger student (especially if love and respect for good grades are brought up in the family). As they grow older, the value of the mark decreases, then parents change their motivation, suggesting that students “get paid”. From the point of view of psychologists, such behavior is fundamentally wrong. Instead of warmth and support, parents offer their children financial (or material) rewards, which can lead to a conflict situation.
It will be more correct encourage good study, for example, going to the cinema, a trip out of town. But to make this not a condition (“You will study well ...”), but a consequence (“You finished the quarter well, therefore ...”).
No independence
Disorganized children do not like to do tasks at home. It is difficult for them to force themselves to do anything, to organize their leisure. To avoid scandal when doing homework, you should gradually accustom them to independence.
Here it is important for the student to explain that doing homework is his responsibility, and parents will not always be able to help, so he must do it himself.
It is desirable to show in practice the consequences of his decisions:
- Completed the task quickly – there is more free time that can be spent on the game.
- Made by myself – during this time, the parents managed to cook a delicious meal or repair a broken bicycle.
- Didn't want to do it on time - spends free time on it.
- Parents had to control, standing by - the student will do instead of them what they did not have time to do (wash the dishes, tidy up the room).
Not immediately, but gradually the child will understand that it is better to do homework immediately and independently.
What should you pay attention to?
The following situations slow down the completion of homework:
- Wrong example
It is possible to demand organization from children only if the parents themselves are collected. If a mother constantly puts off some things for “later”, then the children will behave the same way.
- Large loads
Sometimes adults shift some responsibilities onto children (“When you do your homework, wash the dishes!”), Forgetting about his right to rest. Of course, the student will delay this unpleasant moment to the last.
- Impatience and criticism
Constantly pushing the child, humiliating their dignity with constant criticism (“Like a turtle!”, “It's just, how can you not understand!”), It is impossible to achieve good results. With age, the student will stop doing anything at all (“I’m stupid!”, “I still don’t understand!”).
In the process of monitoring the completion of homework, the following rules should be followed: “Everyone makes mistakes, not everyone can find and correct mistakes.”
You should not pay much attention to the marks received, because their value is gradually decreasing. It is better to motivate by the fact that homework, as well as training in general, contributes to self-development and self-improvement .
is a parent's dream. But, unfortunately, the world we live in is far from ideal, and children are far from always ready to unquestioningly fulfill the requirements of adults, which is why they have to be forced to do what they don’t want to.
Is it possible for adults to insist on their own without screaming and quarrels? It turns out you can, if you use some psychological strategies. Of course, this is not about the total, turning him into a puppet, but about small tricks that will allow you to achieve obedience and maintain a healthy microclimate in the family.
Choice between bad and not so good
Psychologists call this technique creating a false choice. For example, if a child is not eager to help his parents around the house, and either answers with a protest or completely ignores their requests, offer him the following: “Which do you want more - vacuum the carpet or clean up your closet?” It is clear that he does not particularly like both of these activities, but your question will give him the illusion of free choice, which means that you will not have a reason for conflict.
Disguising your demand as a child's desire
Many parents are painfully familiar with the situation when a child at the table categorically and demands something tasty. In some families, this turns into a daily confrontation, amounting to screams, tears and punishments. But these troubles can be avoided if you do not insist on your demand, but disguise the “tasteless”, from the point of view of the child, product under his favorite dish. The child does not like zucchini, but loves pancakes? Add chopped zucchini to the batter and bake his favorite pancakes. Does he not like fish? Turn the fish fillet through a meat grinder, add some minced meat and fry cutlets, which he eats with pleasure. He refuses semolina, but loves cottage cheese? Prepare cheesecakes for him. There are many similar “deceptively tasty” and healthy recipes - they can be easily found on the Internet.
Often conflicts arise in the family due to the fact that the child does not want to do some kind of routine housework. Here you can turn on your imagination and turn a boring activity into a fun game. Children really like the element of competition - use it by offering, for example, the game “Who will make the bed first” or “Who will collect the toys faster”. Do not forget to assign a small prize for the winner, even if it is purely symbolic - this will be a good incentive for the child.
Fulfillment of conditions
This method is often and quite successfully used by many parents, so we will not dwell on it in detail, but simply designate its algorithm: “If you want candy, eat soup first” or “First do your homework, and then go for a walk.” We will only add that if you set a condition for the child, it is necessary that your demand be met and, of course, the desire of the child too.
When a small puppy or cat shits on the carpet, they poke him with his muzzle in his kaku, so that he knows: it’s bad to do this. However, doing the same with a child is not an option. Therefore, parents seat the baby in front of them and begin to lecture him on morality. But it doesn't mean anything to a child. After listening to you carefully, he will again and again relieve himself where she overtakes him. It is much better to try to connect the pot in the child's imagination with something pleasant, for example, cartoons. That is, like this: I went past the pot - there will be no cartoons, I sat on the pot on my own - I got a tablet with the Teletubbies turned on.
Connect your imagination
Few children will volunteer to chew unleavened broccoli and carrots. But if you tell the baby that broccoli are such small trees, and the child himself is like a giant devouring them for his own pleasure, then things will go as they should. About carrots, we can say that with its help you can learn to see in the dark. Yes, this is a sneaky deception, but it's not really that mean, because carrots are good for the eyes. One way or another, the main thing is that the child gnaws it as often as possible.
Make a child laugh
If your baby goes into hysterics, nothing can stop him. It will be a howl more abruptly than the siren of a police car. But there is still one way to cut off children's moaning - you need to try to make the child laugh. Children's attention switches to one or two. Just now the baby was yelling as if his leg had been cut off, but it is worth making him laugh - and the storm has passed. How exactly to make your child laugh is up to you to decide, because everyone has their own sense of humor. Sometimes it will be enough to show a rhythmically bent index finger, like: “Look, what a worm!” And in the other, you will have to play a whole scene with hilarious grimaces, ridiculous acrobatic stunts, etc.
Bewitch the child
When the child has calmed down, a new problem arises - how to put him to sleep. Some parents do not know how to accustom the baby to the regime, and just wait for him to fall asleep by himself. In this case, you can try the trick that the Australian Nathan Dylo demonstrated on his YouTube channel - one child, one napkin, one minute of magic and eleven million views ...
Give bribes
The child does not always understand why the toys scattered around the room upset his mother, no matter how much she tells him about it. But if you give the child something tasty for cleaning toys in a special box, the baby will quickly realize what's what, and perfect order will reign in his room.
encourage kindness
Young children do not understand well what is bad and what is good. Therefore, every time a child - even in the most insignificant situation - does a good deed, you need to accentuate his praise for the right choice.
Don't pretend to threaten
Let's say you told your child not to draw on the walls, otherwise you will take away all the pencils and markers from him. But when you saw another “rock painting” on the wallpaper, you did not fulfill your ultimatum - then the child will understand that he can not pay attention to such threats at all, because they do not end in anything bad for him. She said that if you pick up the pencils, let him sit for a week without pencils.
Look the child in the eyes
There are two big differences: to explain something to a child and to explain the same thing to him, looking into his eyes. When you look a child in the eyes, he understands that the matter is serious, and shakes your every word on his mustache. In addition, the ability to look directly into the eyes of your interlocutor during a difficult conversation will come in handy more than once for a child throughout his subsequent life.
Well, what kind of children did they go? You tell him once, you tell him two, and he is all his own. And he didn't care what his parents said to him.
Completely out of hand. I have already tried all the methods. And in a good way she persuaded, and shouted, and punished. I even hit it with a belt once. Everything is useless! How to make a child obey, so that he hears and performs the first time?
Someone advised me to find an approach to the child. What approach? What, I don't know my child or what? I raised him obedient and well-mannered, but in the end he wanted to spit on all my persuasions, orders and prohibitions.
Others say: missed the child. Previously, it was necessary to engage in education. When before? He used to be quite small, and I worked a lot. Raising a child is not cheap.
Time goes by, the child still shows me his character, and I won’t know what to do with him. Is it possible to somehow change the situation and make the child obey his parents?
How to make children obey adults
Children, not yet becoming adults, already have their own special desires from birth.
And when these desires do not coincide with the requirements of the parents, they begin to achieve what they want in different ways, including through disobedience. And each child shows his protest in different ways:
- one runs, screams, destroys everything in its path;
- the second sat on the sofa, puffed out his cheeks and does not make contact, trying to get his way;
- the third roars as bitterly as it can;
- the fourth closed in the room and does not let anyone in, - and a lot of different methods of protest.
The typical mistakes of raising children are described in an interesting way in the video: “Mistakes of raising children”
