I don’t even know how much this “problem” is a problem and how much it is psychological. I am 25 years old and you can say that I can not find a girlfriend. But first things first.

At the age of 15 - 16, when the "cool boys" from the class moved from toys and became interested in girls, I did not join their group. While everyone was running after girls, trying to meet classmates, building their still childish relationships and getting their first kisses on a bench in the yard, I behaved like a child. I had little contact with my peers and was carried away by my own, only interesting games for me. I have never had many friends, and those with whom I communicated are 1 - 2 people. Basically, I sat, read books and thought about my own. But that was a long time ago and it's hard to remember everything.

A couple of years passed and I entered the first year of the institute. Here, many, having become a little older, began to look for a "life partner". The benefit of diversity among freshmen was much greater than at school. But it had no effect on me. I have always been kind of strange, and not included in society. A kind of white crow. And this - I kind of liked it, to stand out, to be somehow unusual, not like everyone else. Not gray matter. But time passed and the desire to find a girl for himself grew stronger and stronger. Why do Vasya and Petya have girlfriends, but I don't? I asked a question. But each attempt to get acquainted ran into an invisible wall of misunderstanding, and more and more often the problem was in me. Having no dating experience and not understanding the rules of communication with females, I was often "stupid" and did not know what to do and what to say. In general, my miserable attempts only led to disappointment, and after the second such failure, I quickly gave up. Well, my time has not yet come, I consoled myself and calmed down on this. Around the same time, I began to actively explore the virtual space, or, to be more precise, the then very popular and well-known text chat ICQ. There I met many girls from different cities and different ages. More often still within 2 - 4 years difference with me. Strange, but in the chat I felt at ease. I was interesting, unusual, amazing. And I've often been told this. I was glad that someone was interested in me and every time I invented something new. I could talk for hours with this or that girl, constantly captivating her with new topics. Gradually, the virtual network took me to itself and I appeared less and less in real life. Chat and computer games fascinated me much more than the street and real communication. So I met a girl who seemed to me my ideal. She always understood and listened to me, sympathized, sent compliments and sent messages from which it became joyful and warm in my soul. She lived in Ukraine, I live in Russia. After about a year of our communication, I got excited about the idea of ​​​​going to visit her, but it was at that moment that our communication fell apart. Either we got tired of each other, or something happened, but she met another guy on the Internet and I didn’t go to her. Parting, even if it was virtual, was insanely difficult for me, I was worried and thought about death, that life had ceased to make sense for me. No, I can't say that I seriously thought about suicide, but I was in a severe depression.

As you know, time heals and gradually I forgot my first and strongest virtual love. She was replaced by other girls from the same chat. I communicated with them with a new wave of interest. Every day I got to know them better and better. And over time, parted. But it was no longer so painful and insulting. At about 22 I met computer game with Katya. Katya was 37. She had two children and she naturally lived in another city, but it somehow didn’t soar for me. And then she decided to come. A week spent with her in one apartment and one bed became a little paradise for me. It probably doesn't compare to anything. I felt so comfortable and cozy with her that I just dreamed of staying with her forever. But the week flew by and it's time to say goodbye. I was upset, but deep down I consoled myself that we were not parting for good and would see each other again in a few months, but for now we would still communicate on the Internet. In total, for 2 years of our communication, she came to me twice, and I came to her twice. But over time, we got tired of these relationships. They began to quarrel and swear, then they seemed to part, but I could not forget her and thought about her all the time. And after a while we started talking again. But it was no longer the same, there was some kind of chill or something. I don't even know how to describe it. We parted as friends. They just stopped writing to each other, but they didn’t quarrel either. I realized that it is still worth trying to find a life partner in my city and my age. But here's the problem. Lack of experience in relationships made itself felt. I just don't know how to deal with unknown girl. After a brief correspondence in some kind of chat or via SMS, we meet, but I feel some kind of constraint, I get lost, all my talent to captivate with my interest disappears literally before our eyes, and besides this, in the process of dating, I begin to notice the mistakes that I make. All this seems banal. I didn’t move a chair in a cafe, I didn’t help take off my coat, I didn’t open the door for her, but it all adds up in my head and it seems to me that I was just awful towards the girl. And therefore, when I come home in the evening, I am at a loss as to whether I should call her, how she perceived me, maybe I should not impose myself, because she almost certainly did not like me. I don't know how to overcome this and what to do. Another withdrawal into the virtual world at the age of 25 seems absurd to me. And a new attempt at a date causes some fear.

I try to think everything through to the smallest detail. Where will we go, what will we do, what will we talk about. How much time we spend in a particular place. But often my "ideal" plans do not actually fit in with what is really happening, in right moment I do not dare to move one way or the other. Take a hand, hug, kiss. After all, I had not thought of this before and the brain begins to frantically sort out options for what to do. As a result, my slowness is fatal. Together with my general isolation and rare chances to meet someone, I perceive each of my new defeats on the love front especially strongly, thinking about what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm not handsome, maybe I'm stupid? No, it seems normal, I study, I work, I earn good money, I am smart and pleasant in communication, at least my friends say so. So what is wrong and how can I still find one that will accept and understand me? Or maybe my time has not yet come?