I can't find a job for a long time what to do
Have you been unable to find a girlfriend for a long time? Have you ever had a girlfriend in your life? There is an illusion that the necessary information is not enough to achieve this goal. You search for articles on the Internet, go to psychological or pickup forums, study all sorts of seduction theories, look at other people's experiences, collect information about the psychology of women, study their needs, figure out how to set a date, what to say, how to bring the conversation to a certain topic ?
And you still lack information, all the time it seems that you still haven’t learned something, you haven’t understood something, so you delve into the theory again and again. You are constantly delaying the start of action. Sometimes you make timid attempts to talk to someone, to get to know each other. Some internal brakes are holding you back, and you still can’t decide. When communicating with girls, you feel constrained, you cannot openly say that you like someone, but talk around the bush, not to the point. And there are many other reasons why you are postponing the active phase of dating.
If you go to action, then you make only a few attempts that are not crowned with success. Failures bind even more, you don’t want to try again, so as not to feel the painful feeling of awkwardness again. Hands drop, gloomy thoughts appear that it’s not destined to ever find a mate at all, it becomes scary to remain a virgin for life, it’s scary that no one will ever love you because of some kind of ugliness. You start blaming nature itself for being born so insecure. There is aggression towards your parents, for bringing up such a notorious person from you.
It seems that the situation is hopeless, that it will never end. Friends and acquaintances already have couples, someone has already started a family, maybe one of your friends constantly boasts about his sexual adventures, and you have to lie about your own, fictional ones. This is very sad. The feeling that no one likes you, that no one will ever love you is very painful, it is very difficult to live with it.
Errors and how to fix them
I'm ugly
If you have the idea that it's all about looks, then it's a far-fetched problem. You have been subjected to some influence that has formed the belief that you are ugly. There are a lot of young people who are beautiful by nature, but have complexes because of their appearance. Even if you actually have an appearance that does not correspond to stereotypes about beauty, and you consider this the reason for your failure in women, you are mistaken.
If you are really sure of your ugliness, then my words cause a strong protest. You want to exclaim, “Look, I'm a natural freak, I'll never have a girlfriend! I see myself in the mirror every day!” I still won’t believe you for anything, since in my practice there were a lot of cases when a person coped with complexes about his appearance and then easily got acquainted with the girls he likes. You are not an exception, your problem is not unique. This is the problem of low self-esteem and the influence of stereotypes about the beauty of a man.
Self-esteem is easy to correct, you just need to get rid of and accept yourself as you are. Effective methods for identifying and changing negative attitudes were developed decades ago, you just need to use them.
Regarding the fact that you supposedly “objectively” consider yourself ugly, there is an article here. There is a correspondence with your like-minded person. At the end, the reason for the emergence of such “objectivity” is described. If you do not want to reread, I will quote the main idea of the article:
Every person has a homosexual ideal - this is a person's idea of the beauty of people of the same sex. Your appearance is likely to differ from this ideal of beauty. You mistakenly attribute your ideas about male attractiveness to all the women around you, especially those that you like. You think that they certainly have exactly the same opinion. And since you yourself do not correspond to your homosexual ideal, you think that no one can please you. Here is a mechanism for justifying your ugliness.
You just need to realize that women have different tastes, - different women like different men. You definitely fall under someone's ideal of beauty, there are definitely women in your environment who like you outwardly. You simply do not notice them and do not notice the signs that they give you. This is how consciousness works. If you have certainty about something, some kind of “100%” knowledge, then you will tend to notice only that information that confirms the prevailing beliefs. The thought "I'm ugly" is a negative attitude. You will always find confirmation of it. Information that does not support this attitude is rejected and forgotten over time. After all, you have heard more than once that for most women, the appearance of a man is not important. Other qualities are important, for example, the sexual sensations that she has from contact with you. There are many studies of sexual preferences, where the beauty of a man is not put in the first position by women when choosing a partner. You missed all this, all this does not inspire confidence in you, or, if you believed in it, it slipped out of your head over time.
I hope that after such a portion of information you will not forget that your beliefs are false and, accordingly, harm you. You are already experiencing the consequences on a regular basis.
Lack of self-esteem
The second reason that we hold back from active actions is self-doubt, lack of confidence in communication. These are the very reasons that give rise to stiffness when communicating with girls. By your behavior, you will scare the girl away, even if at first she had sympathy for you.
At pickup trainings, out of ignorance, they offer to do a large number of approaches, as if the stiffness will disappear from this, learning will occur with the number of repetitions. As if a reflex would develop, like Pavlov's dog. Actually this does not happen. With each new acquaintance, the pick-up artist experiences the same range of feelings, he turns out to be internally not ready for contact. He learns a little to overcome his fear, but stiffness and posturing is always very well felt by people. One pick-up artist assured me, “What are you doing! Helped me! I learned!" And yet he looked nervous and confused. This is not something to strive for.
Success with girls is actually ensured not by external data - the beauty of the face and not a mountain of muscles, not flashy, fashionable clothes - but the ability to communicate with girls, the ability to cause sexual arousal. On the Internet, you can find many revelations when a guy is tall, athletic, with a pretty face, but still not popular with girls. Such attract women with their appearance, but until he opens his mouth. Success with girls is always guaranteed to those guys who know how to communicate.
The ability to communicate does not mean a set and sequence of the right phrases and not some kind of tricks and manipulations. The ability to communicate means that you feel at ease and at ease when communicating with girls. You can openly express your feelings - both joy and sadness - the whole gamut of feelings. The ability to communicate is when you are not ashamed of yourself and your thoughts, say what you think, are not afraid to show your sexual interest to a girl. All this adds up to your personal charm. This is a unique charm that is unique to you. Nothing depends on the number of words. What matters is not what and how much you say, but how you say it.
Unnatural
All people, very subtle receivers, we all feel each other very well, so lightness and ease cannot be portrayed. If you pretend to be, everyone will see it. It's just that not everyone will openly express it to you. You will be left with the impression of a fake. If you are a silent person, do not try to pretend to be a talker, the "soul of the company", you will not succeed. Now there is a fashion for a certain mental state - this is the state of "eternal positive", such a person with a motor in one place. This condition is attributed to all successful people, including guys who are successful with girls. According to this fashion, this way of behavior is imposed on everyone. Very many by nature, not inclined to such behavior, try to portray the positive and the "soul of the company", which looks very funny, and sometimes causes irritation.
Much smarter to be natural. Use what is given to you by nature and you will get the most out of it. Nature has rewarded you with a certain set of qualities, predispositions, and they need to be updated - this is the path of a healthy, successful person. To communicate easily, you need to gradually engage in the emancipation of your instincts. Communication with girls is a manifestation of sexual instinct. Confident communication is achieved by being able to openly express your feelings.
Every girl dreams of a serious relationship. True, not everyone is so lucky. It seems that she is smart, and beautiful, and embroiders with a cross, but a serious prince still does not come across.
The injustice of life, karma, or does it still make sense to look for the cause in yourself?
1. Most of the good guys that come your way, automatically "go into the friend zone."
Even those who are in love with you do not drink or smoke, with golden hands and other "bonuses" best husband in the world. You just don't notice them.
Maybe you should look at your friends? Suddenly, someone's wounded heart is now beating in unison with yours?
2. Your selection criteria is too harsh.
Perhaps you're looking for a prince with a villa on an island, an infinitely long car, and a thick wad of gold banknotes. And, of course, he should be a blue-eyed blond under 2 meters and with an oblique fathom in his shoulders.
And he must also love children and dogs, constantly travel, not drink or look at other girls, and also accept you with all your shortcomings.
Don't look for the perfect guy, he's already taken! Lower the bar of your claims, and happiness will surely smile at you.
3. The guys you liked were flawed.
One did not lower the toilet seat behind him, the other brewed one tea bag twice, the third scattered socks anywhere. Horror!
And you tried very hard, slowly removing the “shavings” and trying to correct the insolent people (each in turn), but this never happened.
So maybe not worth it? Why fix them if they are what they are? You don't want to be corrected, do you? Take it the way you love it.
4. You are looking for your prince in the wrong place.
Princes do not go to discos - they work and get tired by the evening. Princes don't seek adventure in diners (they don't seek adventure at all).
And they don't meet in bars either.
It is possible that your hero is this young man over there who walks his Labrador every morning near your house. Or that man over there who gave you a seat on the subway, and then did not take his eyes off you until the very “final”. Or that guy who constantly reads the same book in a cafe where you drink tea at lunchtime.
5. You are not looking for your prince like that.
Maybe you are too open in your desire to meet the Hero of your novel?
Too deep cleavage, too short skirts, too much make-up and coquetry, too much alcohol at the party...
Men love nature. And they always feel women-"hunters" (not a single hunter, who by nature is a man, wants to become a "game").
6. Nobody is interested in you.
Let's throw away "something else", "yes, this can't be" and "yes, I'm the most, the most!" and let's face it.
What can you offer a man besides talking about girlfriends, shops, fashion clothes and yoga? In addition to intrigue, gossip, slander, a harmful character? Other than the love of brands and labels?
Men love smart, independent and self-confident women who are not obsessed with fashion. Foolish, capricious intriguers are played with, and smart ones are married.
7. You have too many complexes.
It happens that a woman is inconspicuous in appearance, “no faces, no skin”, her legs are crooked, her breasts are small, her hair is sparse, and the man next to her looks like he stepped off the cover of a magazine. Injustice? Not!
It’s just that this woman is self-confident, knows how to present herself and is not fixated on her shortcomings.
Men get tired of women's "complexes". And how will they love you the way you are if you yourself are not capable of it?
8. You are not ready for a serious relationship.
That is, in your thoughts you are already going down the aisle in a white dress and choosing booties for the kids, but in reality you are simply not yet ripe for serious relationship and family life.
Analyze your desires. If your dreams include a wedding limousine, romantic nights on the ocean, beautiful little things for the kids and a tiny dog to match the color of the furniture, then you are definitely not ready yet.
Enjoy your freedom and don't rush into marriage.
9. You are "the guy" for all your familiar men.
It’s fun with you in the company, you can be told about failures with girls, they ask you for advice and even stay overnight if “a friend kicked you out”. But no one sees you as a woman.
There are 2 options here. Option 1: You lack femininity. Try to look at your appearance and behavior with a skeptical eye. If you smoke, skillfully spit directly into the urn 2 meters away from you, chase the ball with the men, swearing like a shoemaker - it's time to change something. Option 2 - your prince just hasn't appeared yet.
10. You are messy.
Alas, this happens.
Pay attention to your manicure, to your teeth, to the abundance of pimples from excess cosmetics, to dirty shoes, torn tights, sweat stains on a blouse, etc.
men love well-groomed women, from which it smells of comfort, tenderness and expensive perfumes.
11. You are too smart and crush your fans with intelligence.
He tells you about love, you tell him about Kantian physics. He tells you about love, you tell him about Schopenhauer. Etc.
Sometimes it makes sense to look a little dumber than you are. Or at least say less.
12. You are too busy.
Well, how can you meet your soul mate when you study in the morning, then work, then household chores, and tomorrow all over again?
Find time for yourself! Go to the sea, go to a museum, ski, swim in the pool, participate in forums/trainings, etc. Enjoy life!
Cupids love happy people, optimists who do not complain about life and enjoy it to the fullest.
13. Because it simply does not need to be looked for.
Well, you don't have to, that's all. Happiness - it will find you.
You can just "lie down on his road." And you don't need to look for it.
The more actively you seek, the more carefully it hides from you. Everything has its time!
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I don’t even know how much this “problem” is a problem and how much it is psychological. I am 25 years old and you can say that I can not find a girlfriend. But first things first.At the age of 15 - 16, when the "cool boys" from the class moved from toys and became interested in girls, I did not join their group. While everyone was running after girls, trying to meet classmates, building their still childish relationships and getting their first kisses on a bench in the yard, I behaved like a child. I had little contact with my peers and was carried away by my own, only interesting games for me. I have never had many friends, and those with whom I communicated are 1 - 2 people. Basically, I sat, read books and thought about my own. But that was a long time ago and it's hard to remember everything.
A couple of years passed and I entered the first year of the institute. Here, many, having become a little older, began to look for a "life partner". The benefit of diversity among freshmen was much greater than at school. But it had no effect on me. I have always been kind of strange, and not included in society. A kind of white crow. And this - I kind of liked it, to stand out, to be somehow unusual, not like everyone else. Not gray matter. But time passed and the desire to find a girl for himself grew stronger and stronger. Why do Vasya and Petya have girlfriends, but I don't? I asked a question. But each attempt to get acquainted ran into an invisible wall of misunderstanding, and more and more often the problem was in me. Having no dating experience and not understanding the rules of communication with females, I was often "stupid" and did not know what to do and what to say. In general, my miserable attempts only led to disappointment, and after the second such failure, I quickly gave up. Well, my time has not yet come, I consoled myself and calmed down on this. Around the same time, I began to actively explore the virtual space, or, to be more precise, the then very popular and well-known text chat ICQ. There I met many girls from different cities and different ages. More often still within 2 - 4 years difference with me. Strange, but in the chat I felt at ease. I was interesting, unusual, amazing. And I've often been told this. I was glad that someone was interested in me and every time I invented something new. I could talk for hours with this or that girl, constantly captivating her with new topics. Gradually, the virtual network took me to itself and I appeared less and less in real life. Chat and computer games fascinated me much more than the street and real communication. So I met a girl who seemed to me my ideal. She always understood and listened to me, sympathized, sent compliments and sent messages from which it became joyful and warm in my soul. She lived in Ukraine, I live in Russia. After about a year of our communication, I got excited about the idea of going to visit her, but it was at that moment that our communication fell apart. Either we got tired of each other, or something happened, but she met another guy on the Internet and I didn’t go to her. Parting, even if it was virtual, was insanely difficult for me, I was worried and thought about death, that life had ceased to make sense for me. No, I can't say that I seriously thought about suicide, but I was in a severe depression.
As you know, time heals and gradually I forgot my first and strongest virtual love. She was replaced by other girls from the same chat. I communicated with them with a new wave of interest. Every day I got to know them better and better. And over time, parted. But it was no longer so painful and insulting. At about 22 I met computer game with Katya. Katya was 37. She had two children and she naturally lived in another city, but it somehow didn’t soar for me. And then she decided to come. A week spent with her in one apartment and one bed became a little paradise for me. It probably doesn't compare to anything. I felt so comfortable and cozy with her that I just dreamed of staying with her forever. But the week flew by and it's time to say goodbye. I was upset, but deep down I consoled myself that we were not parting for good and would see each other again in a few months, but for now we would still communicate on the Internet. In total, for 2 years of our communication, she came to me twice, and I came to her twice. But over time, we got tired of these relationships. They began to quarrel and swear, then they seemed to part, but I could not forget her and thought about her all the time. And after a while we started talking again. But it was no longer the same, there was some kind of chill or something. I don't even know how to describe it. We parted as friends. They just stopped writing to each other, but they didn’t quarrel either. I realized that it is still worth trying to find a life partner in my city and my age. But here's the problem. Lack of experience in relationships made itself felt. I just don't know how to deal with unknown girl. After a brief correspondence in some kind of chat or via SMS, we meet, but I feel some kind of constraint, I get lost, all my talent to captivate with my interest disappears literally before our eyes, and besides this, in the process of dating, I begin to notice the mistakes that I make. All this seems banal. I didn’t move a chair in a cafe, I didn’t help take off my coat, I didn’t open the door for her, but it all adds up in my head and it seems to me that I was just awful towards the girl. And therefore, when I come home in the evening, I am at a loss as to whether I should call her, how she perceived me, maybe I should not impose myself, because she almost certainly did not like me. I don't know how to overcome this and what to do. Another withdrawal into the virtual world at the age of 25 seems absurd to me. And a new attempt at a date causes some fear.
I try to think everything through to the smallest detail. Where will we go, what will we do, what will we talk about. How much time we spend in a particular place. But often my "ideal" plans do not actually fit in with what is really happening, in right moment I do not dare to move one way or the other. Take a hand, hug, kiss. After all, I had not thought of this before and the brain begins to frantically sort out options for what to do. As a result, my slowness is fatal. Together with my general isolation and rare chances to meet someone, I perceive each of my new defeats on the love front especially strongly, thinking about what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm not handsome, maybe I'm stupid? No, it seems normal, I study, I work, I earn good money, I am smart and pleasant in communication, at least my friends say so. So what is wrong and how can I still find one that will accept and understand me? Or maybe my time has not yet come?