Non-reciprocal love: secrets to help cope with this feeling. Unrequited love: causes and ways of getting rid How to live if love is not mutual

Ecology of life. Psychology: Remember the last time you loved someone so much that you could not imagine life without him (her) ...

Lost love

Unrequited love for many people means loving someone sincerely, while not receiving from (her) him in return the attention, care and love he deserves.

That is, speaking economically, you endlessly invest and invest in the object of your love - you invest, but you do not receive any dividends. Or you get, but too little.

Unfair, right? Yes, and for the budget is catastrophic. And if, God forbid, this (adored by you) person suddenly disappears from your life, then the investments you lost will painfully remind you of yourself for a long time to come.

This version of unrequited love is most common among its victims, because it somehow calms their pride. It is better to be deceived by a gullible depositor who had something of value (love), owned it, but lost it due to fatal circumstances, than to be initially a poor beggar, waiting for gifts of love in his address, who never received anything.

However, this embellished version will only work to save your face in the eyes of friends and console yourself (they say, I'm not guilty of anything, I suffered undeservedly), but it will be absolutely useless if you want to rely on it to improve your personal life. .

Unfortunately, the truth is that if you suffer from the fact that someone close to you does not like you, does not give you warmth and light, then it is you who are the hungry consumer in these respects, who, through various manipulations, seeks to obtain the necessary “food” for himself.

Suffering is a direct indicator that you are lacking something in your inner world.

On the contrary, the state of happiness speaks of your inner feeling of self-sufficiency (independence) and your ability to selflessly share your joy with others.

In my opinion, the main mistake that people make when they expect love in return is primarily related to their false idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthe location of the source of love in their own life.

It just so happens that usually love breaks out in our hearts thanks to another person. It happens in almost everyone the same way. You live an ordinary life, calm and measured, you don’t touch anyone, and suddenly someone special of the opposite sex appears on your way. In the heart, as if by magic, the light turns on and overnight everything around is transformed. Goodbye calmness and measuredness. Long live love! Life is divided into "before" and "after". Naturally, what was “before” now seems gray and dull. The fact that “after” is not life, but a real fairy tale with magical sparks and adventures.

We are adults, experienced people and we already understand that in ordinary life, not all love stories have a happy ending. Happiness will continue as long as the person you love at least occasionally appears in your space, and you have either confirmation of mutual feelings, or hope for them. When this person leaves your space forever, taking with him your love (and therefore lost), your wings and your mind, you are left in darkness and alone, with a broken heart and an exploded brain. In general, sheer "fun".

What logical conclusions can be drawn from the above, realizing that such dramatic denouements have been happening since Adam's time, all the time?

First, considering that the bright feeling of love that we feel in our hearts appears with the arrival of a special person in our life, and disappears with his departure, it is logical to assume that this special person is the source of love. That is, the source is outside of us, in another person.

Or, in another, more advanced version of reasoning, the source is a certain energy field, which is formed from the merger of two energies: male and female, like plus and minus in electricity. In this version, the “other”, although not the very source of love, nevertheless serves as an important and necessary cause of its occurrence. That is, whatever one may say, the cause of love is outside of us and is directly related to other significant people for us.

Secondly, given that life in a state of love is incomparably brighter and richer than ordinary life (especially against the background of all kinds of suffering associated with its loss), we become dependent on love as such and, naturally, on the source of its origin. This also means that the feeling of our inferiority and inferiority is once again fixed in our subconscious. Because dependence and inferiority do not exist without each other. Naturally, the stronger the passion for another person, the stronger the dependence will manifest itself.

From this follows the third conclusion - dependence and inferiority, whether conscious or not, will significantly affect our attitude towards people who awaken bright feelings in us. As soon as another (chosen) person is equated by us with the producer (source) of love, then our approach to him will automatically be colored by a consumer motive. This means that from now on we will expect him to voluntarily and uninterruptedly supply us with the energy of love and other related "goods and services." It also means that very soon we will want to own our companion (his resources) undividedly, we will be forced to control his every step and try to close all the love he generates on ourselves (you must love only me). In other words, we will begin to be jealous of our companion for the whole world.

Jealousy is a negative feeling that occurs when there is a perceived lack of attention, love, respect or sympathy on the part of a very valued, especially loved, person, while someone else is imaginary or actually receiving it from him. Jealousy in most cases is an exclusive claim to "possession" of another person.

Wikipedia

This alignment is not very flattering to our greatness, however, seeing the problems of unrequited love in its true light can be the starting point for establishing harmonious relations with our companions.

So, whether you like it or not, if you are suffering because someone does not love you back or loves you, but, as it seems to you, too little, then from the very beginning you entered this relationship as a supplicant and remain in this role so far. In fact, you are driven not by love, but by hunger, which makes you demand more and more for yourself. And there is no such person in the world who could satisfy this hunger completely. Whatever fairy tale you sincerely believe in, your script does not imply a happy ending from the very beginning.

The cure for suffering (lost love)

The medicine is in the awareness of the fallacy of the first conclusion, on the basis of which all further conclusions and patterns of behavior are built.

Let me remind you that the conclusion was that the source of love in our lives is other (special) people.

After all, it is with their appearance and with their disappearance that love in our life either appears (flashing with bright fire), or disappears (leaving smoke on the ashes). Logic is ironclad and you can't argue with it. It seems that all the conclusions are made correctly, and the reasons for heartache when love is lost are understandable. Then what is the mistake?

The fact is that we considered this problem from only one point of view. We looked through the eyes of someone who suffers from unrequited love, that is, through the eyes of a victim. And what about the second participant in the events, the one who allegedly lacks something for you?

I propose to thicken the colors a little for clarity. Another person chosen by you, who with his presence fills your heart with love, and your life with meaning, whom you consider the source of your inspiration and happiness, may not experience any bright feelings at all for you, for anyone else, or even for yourself.

He, for example, can be completely absorbed in achieving some goals that are significant for him, in which you are not included at all. Or enter, but only as a means to achieve these goals.

Moreover, your presence, your importunity can frankly annoy and infuriate him. Oops.

In my opinion, from this point of view, your special person cannot at all claim the title of any source, especially the source of love. Rather, it will suit the role of a black hole, which irretrievably absorbs everything that you send to it.

But how then does it happen that it is with his appearance that your heart is filled with love? Where then does dependence and a thirst for possessiveness come from, if in fact this significant person for you does not give you anything?

In order to clarify this contradictory situation, one can use metaphor for mirrors. Imagine that some single people at the beginning of our spiritual path come to us as magic mirrors that reflect (without suspecting it) the delightful facets of ourselves that we have forgotten. That is, thanks to these people, we see in the reflection an advanced (divine) version of ourselves. Even having caught a glimpse of our perfect reflection, our potential abilities, we remain under a strong impression for a long time. Still, such a scale, such power and light, dissolving all darkness, and endless inspiring love.

Despite the fact that we discover and feel all this splendor within ourselves, we tend to think that it is the mirror that gives us it.

It seems that what we saw, on the contrary, should have removed the veil from our eyes and strengthened the understanding that the source of love has always been, is and will be in our own heart (and not somewhere else). This knowledge was to completely free us from any kind of heart bondage and make us free and happy.

But no. We are under illusion and do not want to believe in our own divine resources. Therefore, in order to experience magical energies again and again, we need to see our reflection in these exceptional mirrors as often as possible.

The mirror property had:
It speaks skillfully.
She was alone with him
Good-natured, cheerful
joked with him
And, blushing, she said:
“My light, mirror! tell
Yes, tell the whole truth:
Am I the sweetest in the world,
All blush and whiter?
A. S. Pushkin

In essence, we are talking about our desire to direct the mirror (attention of our partner) in our direction and fix it in such a position that we can constantly admire ourselves.

Since we are talking about unrequited love, in which (as it seems to you) your partner does not care about you, to put it mildly, then he will not pay much attention to you. Accordingly, over time, unjustified expectations will appear, which will lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction. A little more and you will begin to convince your companion of his inferiority and blame you for your unfortunate existence, demonstrating your discontent and irritation.

Feeling constantly dissatisfied will devalue existing relationships and push you to look for a new, more accommodating mirror (source of love).

You tend to think that somewhere "out there" there is another person who can fill you with love to the brim. You will begin to "look around" instead of shedding light on existing relationships and trying to improve them. And only after losing a person close to you, when it is too late to return something, you may understand that there was something in your life that had real value.

What we have - we do not store, having lost - we cry.

Folk proverb.

It may seem that your other half has a more blocked heart than yours. Indeed, you may have a different life baggage of love experiences and a different way of expressing your feelings. But you have the same essence - you both have a heart. You both have a soul whose nature is love. As soon as you come to the conclusion that you are somehow higher (better) than your partner, remember about the “mirror of the world” and “like attracts like”. You always receive in response exactly what you broadcast to the world around you. You always attract to you what suits you. All discrepancy is an illusion.

You don't love yourself. You don't have love. This is the real reason for disagreements in matters of the heart and the suffering that results from them. You need someone else to feel love within you. You need a magic mirror so that when you see your embellished reflection, you will have a feeling of love.

But, even after finding such a mirror, you begin to expect love from him, instead of loving yourself. It's stupid.

You hope that your reflection in the mirror will shower you with flowers. Time after time you come to the mirror with empty hands, but you do not find the colors in the reflection and are indignant about this.

How can you see love around you if it is not inside you? How can you love someone if you don't love yourself? How can you believe that your companion really loves you if you think that there is no reason to love you?

In essence, you are making an effort to convince your partner that you are not worth loving, and pushing him away from you. Although outwardly you demand this love from him. Looks like crap, right? But unfortunately, that's the way things are.

Because of the set of your own shortcomings that you have formed, you are constantly judging and hurting yourself. To understand what is happening to you every day, it is enough to imagine your inner child, the way you were as a child.

Just imagine that in your inner world there lives a frightened, rejected, tearful child - you yourself. And every time you as an adult judge yourself, no matter what, you tell your inner child “I hate you” and give him a slap on the back of the head. Represented?

Do not hurry. Stand in front of a mirror and look into his eyes. And again, do not rush to run away. Indeed, this spectacle is not easy. Try to realize how much pain has accumulated inside you because of everyday dissatisfaction with yourself. How long have you filled yourself with the poison of criticism and poisoned all that is beautiful that is inside and around you. Tell me, how can love settle in you with such an attitude towards yourself?

Self-love has been regarded as selfishness for centuries. But self-love and selfishness are different concepts. It is where there is no love that a flawed and arrogant ego thrives.

In order to control us, we were deprived of the main thing - love. We were taught that our love must be somewhere outside of us. We were told that we need to love our neighbor, our homeland, the party, God, always someone, but not ourselves. We were taught that it is a sin to love ourselves and for this someone will surely punish us.

Love has been taken from us and replaced with feelings of inferiority and fear of criticism. Our common misfortune is that everything vital: truth, power, love, divinity, we are looking for outside ourselves.

We are all looking for prosperity, feeling our poverty. Therefore, we go through a series of life lessons in which the “other” helps us find what is missing within ourselves.

We are forced to create situations in which the person we love leaves us or we leave him. Until we wake up. We need distance, because "big" is seen only at a distance.

We are forced to experience mental suffering by opening our hearts. Until love takes root in us. We need time to accept not only our bright side, but also our darkness.

Think about the last time you loved someone so much that you couldn't imagine life without him (her). You deified a person and loved him (her) as a whole, with virtues and shortcomings. Your heart simply did not notice the flaws, it saw absolute perfection. So love yourself also, with all your heart, unconditionally, entirely.

Begin to love yourself for who you are right now. Fill yourself with love, soak it up. Take your inner child in your arms and tell him how much you love him. Enough condemnation, criticism and discontent. Over time, you will realize that all your shortcomings are invented by you yourself or borrowed by you from others. They are like dirty and uncomfortable clothes that it is high time to take off and throw in the trash.

You are always perfection in the eyes of the God who created you, and infinitely loved by him. Accept this truth. Love yourself. And only when you completely fill your vessel with love, you can love other people without conditions. When conditions are removed from your love, you will know the taste of true love.

Love from fullness. Don't expect anything in return. If in love there are expectations on your part, then you have stopped loving yourself and have lost your light. Love is your true, divine essence. No wonder you start to suffer when you lose your love, when you forget who you are. As soon as you feel that you have found yourself in the networks of unrequited love and suffering has appeared, ask yourself one single question: “Where is my love now?”. The purpose of this question is to restore your awareness of what is happening and to revive the source of love in your heart.

The best way to explain this simple technique is to use the example of a short (or final) parting with your loved one. When a breakup hurts you, imagine a long electrical cord being pulled out of your heart with a light bulb at the end. Light bulb naturally symbolizes your love.

Since you mistakenly identify your love with a specific person, it turns out that when leaving your space, he takes your light (your light bulb) with him. No matter how far he (the person) goes from you, the length of the cord is always enough, and you continue to feed the light bulb with your energy. However, you yourself remain in the dark and, perhaps, freeze from the cold.

All that is required of you is to realize in time that you have lost your love and ask yourself the question: “Where is my love now?”. This question will sober you up and remind you that it's time to wind up the electrical cord and bring your shining light bulb back into your heart.

Let your heart shine again. Bring your awareness, your energy, your love back into yourself. Start loving yourself infinitely and you will see love reigning around you in all directions (reflections). And you will immediately feel how suffering has been replaced by grace.

The moment you understand what love is, when you experience, experience what love is, you will become love. Then you don't need to be loved, you don't need to be loving - love will be your simple spontaneous existence, your very breath. You won't be able to do anything else; you will simply be loving.

If now love does not come to you in return, you will not experience pain - for the simple reason that only the person who has become love can love. You can only give what you have.©Osho

90 808

“The less we love a woman, the easier she likes us” - this is how Alexander Pushkin described the painful psychological pattern of Russian national culture - “unrequited” love. We fall in love with those who neglect us and reject those who love us. We are afraid to fall into this trap, and when we fall, we suffer. But no matter how difficult this experience, it can teach us a lot and prepare us for a new, mutual relationship.

What to do with "unrequited" love?

I put this word in quotation marks, because, in my opinion, there is no unrequited love: there is an energy flow between people, there are polarities - plus and minus. When one loves, the other undoubtedly needs this love, he evokes it, broadcasts the need for this love, albeit often non-verbally, specifically to this person: with his eyes, facial expressions, gestures.

It's just that the one who loves has an open heart, while the one who "does not love", rejects love, has defenses in the form of fears or introjected, irrational beliefs. He does not feel his love and need for intimacy, but at the same time he gives double signals: he lures, charms, seduces.

The body of your loved one, his look, voice, hands, movements, smell tell you: “yes”, “I want you”, “I need you”, “I feel good with you”, “I am happy”. All this gives you complete confidence that he is "your" man. But out loud, he says, "No, I don't love you."

We have grown up, but we are still not looking for easy ways on the roads of love.

Where does this unhealthy pattern come from, which, in my opinion, is characteristic of an immature psyche: to devalue and reject those who love us, and to love those who are more likely to reject us?

Let's remember childhood. All the girls were in love with the same boy, the "coolest" leader, and all the boys were in love with the most beautiful and impregnable girl. But if this leader fell in love with some girl, he immediately ceased to be interesting to her: “Oh, well, he ... Carries my portfolio, walks on my heels, obeys me in everything. Weak." And if the most beautiful and impregnable girl reciprocated some boy, he, too, often grew cold: “What's wrong with her? She's not a queen, just an ordinary girl. I'm stuck - I don't know how to get rid of it.

Where is it from? From childhood traumatic experience of rejection. Unfortunately, many of us had rejecting parents. Father buried in the TV: in order to attract his attention, it was necessary to become more interesting than the “box”, do a handstand or walk with a wheel. An eternally tired and preoccupied mother, whose smile and praise could only be caused by a diary with only fives. Only the very best are worthy of love: smart, beautiful, healthy, athletic, independent, capable, excellent students.

Later, in adulthood, the richest, status, honorary, respected, famous, popular are added to the list of those worthy of love.

We have grown, but we are still not looking for easy ways on the roads of love. It is necessary to show miracles of heroism, overcome enormous difficulties, become the best, achieve everything, save, conquer, in order to feel the joy of mutual love. Our self-esteem is unstable, we have to constantly “feed” it with achievements in order to accept ourselves.

The pattern is clear, but as long as a person is psychologically immature, he will continue to reproduce it.

How can another person accept and love us if we do not love and accept ourselves? If we are simply loved for who we are, we do not understand: “I didn’t do anything. I am worthless, unworthy, stupid, ugly. Didn't deserve anything. Why love me? Probably, he himself (she herself) does not represent anything.

“Since she agreed to have sex on the first date, she probably sleeps with everyone,” one of my friends complained. “She immediately agreed to make love to you, because of all the men she chose you. Do you really value yourself so low that you think that a woman cannot fall in love with you at first sight and sleep with you?

The pattern is clear, but this does not change anything: as long as a person is psychologically immature, he will continue to reproduce it. What to do for those who fell into the trap of "unrequited" love? Do not be sad. This is a difficult, but very useful experience for the development of the soul. So what does such love teach?

"Unrequited" love can teach ...

… support yourself and your self-esteem, love yourself in difficult conditions of rejection, without outside support,

… to be grounded, to be in reality, to see not only black and white, but also many shades of other colors,

… be present here and now

… appreciate what is good in a relationship, every little thing,

… it’s good to see and hear a loved one, a real person, and not your fantasy,

… to accept a loved one with all the shortcomings and weaknesses,

… sympathize, sympathize, show kindness and mercy,

… understand their real needs and expectations,

… take the initiative, take the first steps,

… expand the palette of feelings: even if these are negative feelings, they enrich the soul,

… to live and withstand the heat of emotions,

… express feelings through actions and words in order to be heard,

… appreciate the feelings of others

… respect the boundaries, opinion and freedom of choice of a loved one,

… develop economic, practical, household skills,

… give, give, share, be generous,

… to be beautiful, athletic, fit, well-groomed.

In general, strong love, surviving in the harsh conditions of lack of reciprocity, will force you to overcome many limitations and fears, teach you to do for your loved one what you have never done before, expand your palette of feelings and relationship skills.

But what if all this doesn't help? If you yourself are an ideal, but the heart of your beloved will remain closed to you?

As Frederick Perls, the founder of Gestalt therapy, said: “If the meeting does not happen, nothing can be done about it.” In any case, the relationship skills and wide range of feelings you have mastered in the experience of such love are your investment in yourself for life. They will stay with you and will definitely help you in a new relationship with a person who can reciprocate your love - with heart, body, mind, and the words: "I love you."

about the author

Psychologist, psychotherapist, conducts individual consultations, leads therapeutic groups.

Unrequited love is a real test. Not only do romantic feelings overcome, you also have to worry about the lack of reciprocity. Such a state can destroy a person from the inside, make you feel depressed and unnecessary. It's especially frustrating when this happens at a young age. A young man or girl cannot accept the rejection of love. The experiences are very intense. Some, in a fit of despair, commit suicide.

Love without reciprocity cannot but upset. It devastates from the inside, suppresses the best desires, contributes to the formation of suspicion. There is a distrustful attitude to life, self-doubt and apathy. In some cases, you even have to resort to the help of a psychologist. Specialists regularly work with those who are confused, confused, who have lost their main life guidelines. Getting rid of unhappy love is not so easy. We have to make incredible efforts to cope with despair and hopelessness. It is good if the person is fully aware of what is happening. Then there is a good chance to be rehabilitated.

It's easy to talk about unrequited love when it's not happening to you, especially for those who are in love and this feeling is mutual. In fact, the topic is very difficult. Perhaps only those who have once been in a similar position can understand the complexity of the situation.

Is there such a love in the world? Kinds of love

If we are talking about feelings, then we should discard all rationality. There are no and cannot be unambiguous answers, a clear division into black and white. It cannot be said that one feeling is false and the other is true - logic does not work here. It also cannot be said that mutual feeling is love, and not mutual is not love. Sometimes it seems to people that everything is fine, the relationship is wonderful, but in fact this feeling is not mutual love. If we consider love through the prism of reciprocity, then conditionally it can be divided into mutual and non-reciprocal. In one case, the object responds to the feeling of another, and in the second it does not experience sympathy and reciprocal attraction.

What is non-reciprocal love?

An unrequited feeling can be called when the other person feels nothing for you except indifference or ordinary sympathy, treats you like a friend. It does not matter how often people spend time together, whether they are in the company of friends, whether they live nearby or in different cities, whether they are married or not. If a person loves, then he is capable of much, distances and obstacles on the way can be overcome, there would be a desire, that is, a feeling, so either it is there or it is not.

Non-reciprocal love happens at any age, regardless of status, worldview, and so on. However, it usually happens at a young age. Adolescents often do not know what they want, they are vulnerable and their mental state is extremely unstable. Probably many in their youth had such a love.

What are the main reasons for the lack of reciprocity in love, if we consider the issue through the prism of psychology and secret knowledge?

Before blaming everyone around you and everything that exists in the trouble that happened to you, you should think about why mutual love comes to someone, but not to someone. Here you need to look for the answer in yourself, because everything that happens to you is the work of only your hands. Perhaps you subconsciously reach for sad stories with a dramatic ending and eat it like that, then the whole world around you will strive for this. your subconscious desires are the law, you are given what you really want, perhaps without even realizing it.

Sometimes unrequited love hides ordinary self-doubt. In the subconscious mind lies the idea that you are not good enough to be loved. With such an attitude, you won’t go far, in this case you need a shake-up, a trip, for example, and not love at all.

Not just for those who did not see an example of a good loving family in childhood. Such people simply cannot understand what it should be, true love, then unrequited love can be the norm. Sometimes it seems to people that they live a full life, but in fact they are stuck somewhere between the worlds. Some pretend that everything is fine, falling in love unrequited. It's just avoiding problems. Many people like to feel like a victim and the origins of this must be sought in early childhood.

Unrequited love - how to relate to this?

Everyone has their own story, for someone an unrequited feeling is an inspiration, especially for those who are prone to creativity. History knows a lot of examples when creative individuals from mental torment over the object of their passion created talented works and masterpieces of world art.

Such a feeling inspires, sometimes people radically change their lives in order to be worthy of their beloved and, as a result, grow above themselves. However, there are other examples with the opposite psychological effect. There are many situations when unrequited love pushed a person onto the path of self-torture or even self-destruction. Psychologists are sure that formed personalities can draw basic conclusions from the situation and no longer step on a rake.

Girls who once fell in love like this have a large supply of feelings, therefore, having met the right person, they can give him their love and receive the same from a man in return. If a person is optimistic, then even in unhappy love he will be able to see many pluses. For example, they will not stop loving him, they will not leave him for the sake of another person, feelings will not destroy life.

Stages of unrequited love

• euphoria stage. It rushes by like an instant, as practice shows, it's only a couple of weeks. A lover experiences all the emotions and feelings that are possible, he is filled with joy when he sees the object of his passion, he dreams of relationships and meetings under the moon.
• Here, everyone has their own, for one this is a sense of doom, for another, the hope for reciprocity. But in both cases, there is a fear that the beloved will reject him, hatred towards himself, psychological throwing. The complete opposite of the first stage. This can last a couple of months, in rare cases up to a year. Some women, by the way, do not reach this stage, but remain at the first stage, build castles in the air and live in them.
• This is the stage of pain and suffering. It is difficult to indicate the time interval here, love throwing can last forever. Ordinary love, which is mutual, can pass if the fire and the ode have not passed, and here the tests themselves make sense. If such a person does not seek psychological help, then the cure for this disease will be extremely painful.

final stage of healing. You can go to this for years, especially if the lover does not even think about asking for help.

Who has it harder - boys or girls?

There is a misconception that only girls fall in love unrequitedly. This is not true. Guys fall in love the same way, they just don't talk about it right and left, they tend to keep feelings to themselves. That is why men very rarely talk about their feelings, according to psychosomatics, they can have big health problems, they can become alcoholics, and some may even commit suicide. In this sense, it is easier for women, they can pronounce problems and this already makes it easier. They receive support from outside and experience everything faster.

Consequences of non-reciprocal feelings

It all depends on the lover himself. If this is a strong personality, then the person soon realizes that the force of reciprocal feelings cannot be achieved, he will draw a conclusion and try to somehow solve the problem. Experience this feeling and avoid it in the future.

The weaker ones will be very worried, experience a feeling of depression, up to extreme measures.

In this case, it is simply necessary to seek psychological help in order to avoid serious consequences for physical and mental health. It will not be easy to find a way out here on your own. It feels like a quagmire - the more you fight, the deeper you get stuck.

How long does unrequited love last?

The life span of love is 3 years, but not when it comes to unrequited love. Sometimes people carry this feeling throughout their lives. A person can arrange his life, create a good family, have children, thinking about a loved one and after many years will experience pain. The feeling passes differently for everyone, some need a couple of months, others suffer for years. A lot depends on the personality, upbringing, environment. Only those who have once been in a similar situation can understand what it is and how difficult it is to get out of this situation.

If you no longer have the strength to fight an unrequited feeling on your own

You need to realize that not mutual love is not so scary. This is a lesson from the universe, you need to accept it and take some benefit from it for yourself. In no case should everything be left to chance, because the problems will only grow. It is necessary to recover from illusions, vain hopes, from suffering and torment. It is great if there is someone nearby who can help you, especially if it is a qualified psychologist or a close person who understands you. This is especially important when it comes to young people whose psyche has not yet really formed.

• We need to find flaws. Your object of love, like any person, is not at all perfect, find his flaws and stop idealizing. As soon as you begin to notice these shortcomings, the feeling will begin to weaken.
• Search for reasons. If you do not go out to get a person out of your head for a long time, you need to understand why this is happening. This is probably some kind of psychological program that haunts you in life. Here you already need to understand yourself, because there is a great chance in the future to simply switch to another person.
• Take all your free time. Go headlong into something, start attending dances or playing sports. Do anything, just get distracted from your thoughts about your beloved, so that you simply don’t have any strength or energy left for something else. Perhaps this way you will find another person whose feelings will be mutual.
• You need to make lemonade from an ordinary lemon, Dale Carnegie taught this. Benefit from a non-reciprocal feeling. This method works especially well for creative people. On the wave of emotional excitement, you can create beautiful works of art. This method will also be useful for those who have long wanted to change, because it is not mutual love that is a strong motivator to grow on oneself, work in this direction, everything will definitely work out.

Accept and love yourself. All experts in the field of psychology talk about it all the time. You need to learn to love yourself first, and then others. If you love yourself, then you will not allow yourself to be manipulated and will not be humiliated in front of others. The norm is a healthy relationship between two people where there is respect for each other.

In contact with

"I loved you silently, hopelessly,
Either timidity or jealousy languish.
I loved you so sincerely, so tenderly,
How, God forbid, you be loved to be different."
A.S. Pushkin.

Unrequited love happens different. For example, the classic unrequited love for a person to whom you are simply afraid to confess your feelings and therefore suffer is different from the love in which you were rejected, or from the love for an idol, where you initially understand that "nothing shines" for you.

Psychologists say unrequited love may well be useful to humans. So, in adolescents, as a rule, the first is always unrequited and never flows into a romance, into a relationship, in view of their age. But on the other hand, it allows them to experience new, hitherto unfamiliar feelings and emotions, give them a new interesting experience. And this is useful to them, even if it sometimes brings spiritual discomfort. The same can be said about the love of an idol - unfairly revered by everyone as a completely useless activity, for nonsense, in fact, it motivates many young people to work on themselves, to rise to the level of a star, to catch up with their own dream.

But we're not going to talk about that kind today. love. And that brings only mental suffering and anguish. Unrequited feelings sometimes pester a person so much, literally tearing him apart from the inside, that he literally rushes about in his apartment, tormented by only one question: when will all this end and will it ever end?
While the second question is very easy to answer (yes), the first is not.

How does a typical unrequited love? When does the moment of subsidence of unpleasant emotions in the chest come? Let's start from the very beginning.
First stage, euphoric stage falling in love when a person does not think at all about the prospects, about the possibilities and chances of his love for life. He just really likes to look at the object of his love, he likes to dream about him, while he experiences very pleasant sensations. This is the most pleasant stage, but it usually does not last long - from a couple of days to a week.

Next stage, depending on the specific situation, is an awareness of doom or an attempt to gain reciprocity. But both of these stages are characterized by mental anguish, fear of rejection, in the first case, even self-hatred caused by the inability to be loved and even decide on a bold act - to confess one's love.

Only the second option has the possibility turn into mutual love, and it makes no sense to consider it, the first one is the right path to long and painful suffering. Of course, everything is individual and far from always these sufferings are so strong, and even more rarely they are so long.

And many girls, for example, in general, very often do not go from falling in love stages into the next stages. This is called the bubble effect. It is beautiful, shimmers with all the rays of the sun, but is short-lived and quickly disappears, simply bursting. For several days they walk, fascinated by some young man, and then suddenly wake up, realizing that they no longer experience these feelings. And in another week they can fall in love again - with the same result. At the same time, they usually realize that the image that they fell in love with is not a reflection of a real person, but only a projection superimposed on a real-life object. Therefore, they always experience such soap bubbles very easily. Well, the heart of beauties is known to be prone to change.

If painful unrequited love continues, then its longest stage - the stage of suffering and drying out on the object, can last quite a long time. But only in exceptional cases it lasts longer than one or two months.

Though divided love, as we know, "lives" in the form of biochemical reactions in our body much longer, unhappily love does not have such a long lifespan. For this, we must say thanks to our wise brain and the peculiarities of our psychology. If some feeling, some emotion, brings us spiritual discomfort for too long, then our psyche simply begins to “reject” from itself any thoughts about the object that causes unpleasant reactions.

Usually the more intense suffering, the faster it goes. But such a course of the "disease" is fraught with natural depression, very many during this stage of experiencing unrequited feelings begin to lose weight, moreover, quickly and significantly - by ten, fifteen kilograms. All of this is by no means a healthy experience.

But the main thing is to know that all this will definitely pass. You need to set yourself up for the fact that this is not the end of the world, and life has not ended. Very soon, this unhappy love will heal, heal, and you will return to normal life again. There is no one to blame that you have fallen under this ruthless dump truck, sweeping us off our feet and knocking us out of the rhythm of normal life.

Attempts to distract from their constant experiences are perhaps the best tactic in such a situation. This is the case when time is the best doctor. Many, of course, object that they fail to do absolutely nothing, constantly thoughts return them to the object of their unrequited love. You need to focus and find yourself something to do that you can do. The job is perfect for this role, by the way. And it’s useful to the cause, and it puts the brain in order.

But the most wrong tactic in such a situation is alcohol. And not because it is unhealthy (although that’s why too), but because it in no way helps to get through everything faster. It only aggravates the situation, since alcoholic libations against the background of negative emotions always give bad results. And tomorrow morning you will only have more regrets about what you did yesterday in the heat of the moment, in addition to the already unpleasant feelings of unrequited love.