My husband is not protecting me. What drives a man? Three Essential Questions Should a Husband Protect His Wife?

From childhood, or rather from the moment of birth, the boy was explained what he must do in order to be a real man. He must be strong, not cry, be hardy, climb mountains, carry heavy bags, be able to stand up for himself, be an intercessor and protector for his family, his younger brothers and sisters. And all this was done in order to prepare him for male maturity. And having reached it, a man is primarily concerned with three questions: "Who is he? What does he do? How much does he earn?"

And until he resolves these three issues, serious relationship with women will remain somewhere on the periphery. As soon as he begins to resolve these issues and feel that his dreams are coming true, the man seems to acquire new life filled with energy. It inspires and inspires him. It is the solution of these three questions that gives a man the feeling that he has taken place in this life. He is a full name, does something, earns so much, and this so much should be enough to provide a decent standard of living for his family and children. It is in the male DNA to be the provider and protector. In his male world, he is evaluated by other men precisely on the basis of these indicators. Who is he, what does he do and how much does he earn.

And one moment. A man does not necessarily have to earn a lot now, but he must see that his dreams, plans and intentions are already being realized. He has already solved the first two questions - who he is, what he does, and this gives him the opportunity to go where he wants to be, and the money will come along the way.

Three signs of a man's love.

A man's love is not like a woman's. A woman in love is ready to do anything for the sake of the one whom she recognized, chose as her man. Women's love stands the test of time, logic and circumstances. Men are easier. If a man loves, he does three things:

Sign of a Man's Love #1: A MAN STATES.

Men are owners and if a man is in love, then the first thing he does is declares to everyone around - this is mine. This is "my girl", "my woman", "my baby". In other words, you will have a title - an official one that goes far beyond "this is my girlfriend" or "this is a name." This title is a way to notify everyone around you that he is proud to be around you and that he has plans for you. He sees himself in a long-term and sincere relationship with you and declares this publicly because he takes it seriously. And this could be the start of something special.

A man who calls you his also says unequivocally that he claims you - that you are his . Now he announces it to everyone. Any man who hears another man say "that's my woman" knows that all the games/tricks/plans/schemes he had with this pretty, sexy lady in front of him should be forgotten until he there won't be another unmarried woman, because another man declared out loud that "this one is mine, and she is not available for what you planned for her." This is the signal that men recognize and respect as the universal code for "no entry."

If you have been dating a man for three months and he still has not introduced you to his family or friends and introduces you simply by name, then most likely you are not included in his plans and he does not see you in his future.

If he introduces you as a girlfriend or just calls you by your first name, be sure that this is exactly what you are for him - no more than a girlfriend or a name. But as soon as he gives you any title - as soon as he lays claim to you in front of people who mean something to him, whether it's his son, sister or his boss - that's when you understand that your man is making a statement.

He declares his intentions towards you - and declares them to people who should know about it.

Sign of male love # 2: A MAN PROVIDES.

As soon as a man has claimed his rights to you and you have answered the same, he begins to earn his “bread and butter”. Simply put, a man who loves you will bring money into the house to ensure that you and the children have everything you need. Society has told men for thousands of years that our primary purpose is to support our families: no matter what happens, no matter how we feel, the people we love should not need anything. This is the essence of the male vocation - to be the breadwinner and breadwinner. It all comes down to this. If the ability to provide for loved ones financially or otherwise is in doubt, male pride suffers severely. The more a man is able to provide for his woman and his children, the more significant and complete he feels. It sounds too simple, but it's true.

He will make sure that you have everything and that you do not need anything. 'Cause every pat on the back for what he brings into the house more money, every kiss for giving money to buy groceries, every praise for keeping the house in order, increases his importance as a man. That is why, if he is a real man, his responsibility to provide for his family will mean much more to him than satisfying his own needs. Men like to spend their money, but that pales in comparison to the desire to provide for loved ones, because all sorts of entertainment cannot make him straighten his shoulders in the way that it can. praise from the lips of a beloved woman. Consequently, everything he does will come down to trying to provide the woman he loves with everything he needs.

Moreover, a man can provide not only financially. Especially at first, if a man is truly passionate, then he becomes Mr. "I solve all problems." He carefully makes sure that everything is fine with you, that you are happy and satisfied. A man will gladly pay for you in a restaurant, buy movie tickets or make a pleasant surprise. Men love to feel needed. By the way, do not forget to be delighted and thank him when he does all this for you. Even in early childhood, the boy tries to make his mother happy, then the same mechanism is transferred to his girlfriend and wife. It is very important for a man to know that you are happy.

If a man loves, he will provide everything that is needed.

Sign of male love number 3: A MAN PROTECTS.

When a man loves you, anyone who says, does, offers you something bad, or even just thinks of insulting you in some way, risks being destroyed. Your man will sweep away everything in his path to make sure that everyone who treated you disrespectfully pays for it. That is his nature. You can say about any man on this planet: no one can insult his family without paying for it, or at least without running into a serious fight.

That is what every man should do - and he is ready to do it - for the people he cares about. Once he declares that he cares about you, you become a valuable property for him, and he will do everything to protect his property. If he hears you arguing with the taxman, he will say: “Who are you with? Let me deal with him." If your ex is pestering you with calls, your man will put him in his place. If he sees that your children are out of hand, he will talk to them too. In other words, he will protect his family, because he knows that a real man is a protector. There is not a single real man who would not protect what is his. Because it's all about respect.

Moreover, protection is not only the use of brute physical force, loving man will not allow you to walk the dog late at night alone or hammer nails into the wall. He will save you, to the best of his ability, from all situations that one way or another considers dangerous for you.

An excerpt from "Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey.

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In this video, answers to many "Why ...?" And How...?" Why don't relationships work? Why does he leave after the first night? How to understand his true attitude towards you? And many other interesting and very useful information on the topic of relationships and male psychology.

An excerpt from Anna Chernova's speech at the Find and Accept Yourself 2.0 conference

Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon!

Help, please, to understand the situation, which has been going on for 13 years. My husband and I met for 2 years before marriage and our relationship was perfect, with my mother-in-law were also good. Everything changed after the wedding, when they all began to live together in the mother-in-law's house. Especially after the birth of a child, she simply began to wedge, she did not even congratulate me on returning from the hospital on the birth of her daughter and began to reproach me for being a bad mother and calling my daughter the wrong name that I christened. The husband did not take any part, silently sat out, did not get up on my side. In private, he always answered my reproaches: my mother is good! Of course she is good for him, but not for me. In the end, we moved out to a rented apartment, but his mother just hates me with all her heart. Now the situation has come to a standstill, because my husband's brother has also joined the mother-in-law, she sets everyone against me. I tried to talk to my husband that you are the head of a new family, you are obliged to protect your wife and family, say at least once a word for me and this will all stop. And so the situation grows like a snowball, because his relatives understand that he will never say or do anything to them. On my last visit, forced on my father-in-law's birthday, the situation seemed absurd to me. Neither my mother-in-law, nor my brother-husband, nor his wife spoke a word to me. My husband is on a flight, without him I do not come to them lately. But on the DR it was inconvenient to refuse and I did not want to upset my husband. I love him and want to save my family, but he does not hear me and says that he does not understand. Without details, I told him that all this situation had a bad effect on our relationship, his mother wants me to survive from the family. He is silent again, says that it is I who is opposed to everyone, that's why it turns out that way. What to do? I understand mom and dad are relatives - it’s easier to change a wife. Leave this family and him along with his relatives, because he will never be able to stand up for me? And he himself has been calling me lately and often breaks into a scream or irritation for no reason. He was always affectionate with me and loving, I begin to think that he is cheating on me, I can’t find the reason for his behavior, which translates a lack of respect for me. Increasingly, he compares me with my mother, who is a very specific lady and we also have a difficult relationship with her. Help me figure out how to deal with my husband.

The psychologist Andrianova Anzhelika Viktorovna answers the question.

Hello Xenia.

The current family situation is divided into two opposite camps: on the one hand, you, and on the other hand, your husband's relatives. The husband himself is in the middle, but his opinion depends on the majority. Consider this situation from the outside, how two opposite sides accuse each other of various sins, there is a confrontation between the two sides, and you are a member of one of the parties. Everyone pulls a blanket over himself. Naturally, in this scenario, the strongest will win (which is what the mother-in-law does, connects her relatives). If you want to participate in this "family battle", then you need to strengthen your position and find those who will be for you, that is, support you (I have others, not a husband). there is another position in this situation, when you give up and agree with your mother-in-law that you are "bad" and you cannot be changed and let them accept you as you are, and reinforce your position with your husband and say that he loves you and what a good fellow he is.

There is another option, when you simply break off all relations with these relatives, then it will become much more difficult for your husband to live between two opposites that ignore each other.

Such options lead to tension and the collapse of either a family or family relationships. .

It is possible to consider this situation from a different point of view. Ask yourself the question: why do you need such a situation when there are opposing sides that are fighting for influence on her husband.

If you are honest with yourself, you will get many different answers, it is important to work with them, that is, to realize your actions, then you can change your life.

I think that each of us expects that close person stand by our side and protect us. But for some reason my husband does exactly the opposite. There may be several reasons:

1. Perhaps he has accumulated irritation, anger at you, which he cannot express directly, but when an opportunity arises, he gladly joins your offenders.
2. Are you always "innocent"? Perhaps he just wants to be on the side of the truth, and nothing personal. And you expect protection from him, no matter what.
3. Do you stand up for him when your voice is needed? If not, then it's probably mutual.
4. If this happens often, then this may be a symptom that in your relationship, both of you are deeply unhappy with something and it's time to change something.
But you can understand this only through your dialogue with your husband, asking him, without blaming, what is happening? What does not suit? Explaining what you expect from him (protection, etc.) and asking what he thinks about this. If the husband does not make contact, then it is possible to find out through a conversation with a psychologist who can give recommendations specifically for your family situation.

Sincerely,
psychologist Irina Shashkova

Vlada and Alexey have been together for five years, in legal marriage- the third year, and the third year they live with their mother-in-law - they save up for an apartment.
Such a decision at one time was not easy for Vlad. However, she decided to take the risk. Firstly, all of them - educated, intelligent people, probably to the point of spitting into each other's teapot, will not stoop. Secondly, the mother-in-law’s apartment is spacious, there is plenty of space, you don’t have to sit on each other’s heads, respectively, and there shouldn’t be any special conflicts. And, most importantly, it's not forever. If you set aside a certain amount per month, in three years they will have a down payment, and they will be able to think about their own housing.
You can endure three years already, especially when there is, in the name of what. And renting an apartment, paying money to nowhere month after month, is a dead end ...

The young moved in with their mother, and at first they lived quite tolerably. The guys worked, came home only to spend the night, my mother ran the household, did not climb into a young family, and the savings went at a brisk pace. Vlada was only happy about how great they came up with, and sincerely did not understand who only composes these stupid stories about mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. And then suddenly there was a pregnancy. The young people planned the child in principle, but a little later - at first they wanted to resolve the issue of housing. But since it happened, they decided to give birth. The mother-in-law stood up loudest for this - they say, as long as we live together, I will help. This idea seemed logical. Vlada will give birth, sit with the baby for some time, and then start working, gradually leaving the baby to her grandmother, and they will again enter the schedule. Three years will stretch, maybe 4-5, but it doesn't matter. Break through!

But here's the bad luck - since Vlada went on maternity leave, the relations between the two women, which were quite good at first, for some reason began to deteriorate before our eyes. And the further, the worse. The child is now a little over a year old, and the house is hell and a nightmare.

The mother-in-law is looking forward to her son's return from work, complains to him about her daughter-in-law and is sure that he is simply obliged to rein in "this impudent one."
- A child without socks, the window is open, - the mother lists the sins of the daughter-in-law. - And he, by the way, was coughing all night today! .. He sits all day alone on the floor, and my mother shares her experience on the Internet ... And what an experience there! The child is a year old, he does not speak and does not know what a pot is! Where have you seen it ... Our children at this age already ate themselves, recited poems, went to the toilet ... Because we didn’t have the Internet ... She was freed from everything, I cook, wash the machine, clean the vacuum cleaner ... He won't wash the cup after himself ... And at the same time, you can't take care of the child - well, that's all! No gate!

Alexey listens absently to this whole stream and mechanically nods his head. Vlada perceives her husband's behavior as cowardice and betrayal. The husband does not see any problem in Vlada's actions towards the baby, but he does not want to quarrel with his mother. But he could have protected his wife. Say, they say, do not go, this is OUR family and OUR child. Well, at least, at worst, to transfer the conversation to another topic, and not listen to all this nonsense. But he is silent, and the mother-in-law winds herself up more and more, confident that her son listens attentively and supports her.

If only you could say you don't want to hear this! - then Vlad cries in his room. Why does she think I'm a bad mother?? I do everything for my child, read to him, play with him, walk every day, breastfeed... tell her! Well, it's impossible, all day with a child! Do I really not have the right to take a half hour to rest when the child is busy or sleeping? And I cook... sometimes. And I always wash the dishes!
- Oh, figure it out yourself! Alexey dismisses his wife's complaints. - These are your women's affairs! .. I know that you good mother. But what do you want from me? So that I also swear with my mother? Life will become completely unbearable. We are in her house, she does a lot for us. And he cooks, at least sometimes, and sits with the child. Then, after all, she wants what is best, for her grandson, first of all. Well, pay no attention!

Now my husband does not want to move to a rented apartment categorically. Rental prices have risen, it is very difficult to rent with a child, and you don’t want to drag the baby along other people’s bedbugs. Moreover, here the area is inhabited, and the clinic is wonderful, and the pediatrician on the site is just a magician, she treated Alyosha as a child. Yes, and savings, with my mother's help, somehow go, although not as fast as you want, but this is already good. After new year holidays Vlada plans to go to work, the child will be with her grandmother, so it’s impossible to move out now. Taking out a mortgage immediately is scary, you need to save up more. Well, in the end, they endured so much - it’s stupid now to be offended and leave everything halfway.
Vlada understands all this, and, in general, agrees to be patient - but on the condition that Alexei will try to protect Vlada from criticism and attacks.

Should Alexei put his mother in her place? How to support Vlad? Bang your fist on the table, resolutely say that this is my family - do not go? well, or at least not to hit, but to talk in a good way, to make it clear that he will not allow scolding his wife?
Or to consider the point of view of the mother, after all, they are in her house?
Or is it unsuitable for a man to sort out women's conflicts? Let them reconcile themselves, and is Alexey right that he does not interfere with all his might?
If moving out is not an option, what is the best way?
What do you think?