Conversations with parents alcohol in the family. Family and alcohol

Olga Gross
Consultation for parents "The role of the family in the fight against alcoholism"

What the family can play a role in the struggle with the greatest scourge of modern humanity - alcoholism. The role of the family is very important.

Everything starts with families.

At the present stage of development of society, alkalization finds innumerable victims everywhere, in all strata of society,

regardless of economic, social, political, legal differences.

Modern scientific evidence has established indisputably that alcoholic beverages, even in small quantities, are not bypassed: a physiological need for the body, without alcoholism all its functions are performed better both quantitatively and qualitatively.

But among the masses of the people, even among highly educated, intelligent people, not everyone is scientifically educated in assessing the influence alcohol on the body.

Supposed to drink in moderation "It's a good thing, many people think". This is absolute nonsense.

Alcoholic prejudices and drinking habits owe their versatility and persistence to narcotic influence alcohol to the central nervous system.

As a result, a person has a false self-assessment, illusion, self-deception. With such well-being, there is an increased well-being of the body, increased efficiency, both physical and spiritual. Unfortunately, this is self-deception not only of oneself, but also of others.

Big role plays in the life of the family and society the role of an example, imitation, suggestion. The power of suggestion is the sharper, the more authority, trust, sympathy is enjoyed by the one from whom the suggestion comes. Therefore, the influence of the example of the father, mother of older brothers, sisters is very great. Thanks to the powerful influence of example, suggestion and imitation, moderate regular wine drinking in family and society becomes dangerous

in educating the next generation. Children have an abnormal attitude towards alcoholic beverages.

The reality is that thanks to parents, which

not knowing what they are doing, from an early age they poison the delicate developing organism with various alcoholic drinks. It is observed everywhere, in all segments of the population. look

on modern children, they are hyperactive, unbalanced,

they have mental retardation, poorly developed speech, unstable emotional behavior. This is the result

innocent use alcohol in moderation. The role of the family in the fight against alcoholism is very important.. Exactly at family, you can cut off this source of evil at the root. “The secret of the perfection of mankind lies in education,” says Kant.

AT family which properly appreciates all the mighty educational power of an example, and not bare instructions and teachings. This is necessary for the benefit of your children, loved ones. Raising a True Citizen homeland, sensitively responsive to the interests of all mankind alcohol- is the strongest brake and obstacle. For the bright future of your children parents must make efforts of will and the principle of life such is: in family there should be no place for any alcoholic beverages!

There are five main psychological characteristics

children alcoholics:

1. Low self-esteem.

2. Focus on the external environment.

3. Inability to express their feelings and cope with experiences.

4. Inability to ask for help, but willingness to give it to others, even if it is not necessary. Children learned this stereotype of behavior in parental family.

5. Extreme thinking, which is formed as a result of the fact that alcoholic family lives in a situation of constant stress.

Finally, when members families face any problem (Besides alcohol) they are looking not for ways to solve it, but for someone to blame.

These psychological features of the personality leave an imprint on the subsequent adult life.

To help these children, it is necessary to form

they have certain psychological qualities that were not formed in family: reliable attachment of the mother, independence, ability to communicate with peers and adults, planning skills and

control of their actions.

Women often deny facts related to husband's alcoholism. If a woman turns a blind eye to this, then consequences are possible due to her unadapted behavior, the child often gets sick in such family, behaves aggressively, violently manifests (or hide) your emotions.

The mother's guilt in connection with the trouble in no family. But an unhappy mother cannot raise a happy

child, so the woman must switch, with

problems with her husband on her own problems and the problems of her child. The mother is able to help the child and the result will certainly be positive. To do this, she needs to master a number of methods for regulating her mental state and the state of the child, according to the methods

interactions with son (daughter)

To do this, you can use the traditional elements of family pedagogy, like lulling with the help of

a lullaby or telling a bedtime story.

So, "Maternal Love Therapy"

It is carried out 20-30 minutes after the child

asleep. The mother should put her hand on the child's head and say three times (aurally, mentally and out loud again) verbal suggestions 9) of the following blocks.

First block.

"Vitamins of Mother's Love"

I love you very much.

You are the most precious and dear thing that I have.

Second block.

"Physical health of the child"

You are strong, healthy, beautiful.

You eat well and therefore grow and develop quickly.

You have a strong and healthy body.

Third block.

"Mental Health"

You are a calm boy (girl, you have good strong nerves.

You're smart.

You like to be calm.

You are in a good mood, you like to smile.

You fall asleep easily and quickly, sleep well.

You see good and kind dreams.

Your speech is well developed.

You are starting to speak well.

Fourth block.

"Ethnoscience"

I take and throw away your disease.

Five steps to create a close relationship between mother and child.

1. Often take the child in your arms and hold him close to you.

2. Long and calmly look into his eyes.

3. Smile to your child more often.

4. Sing lullabies.

5. Stroking the baby.

Compliments for children: "How strong and beautiful you are" "You have beautiful white teeth", "Gorgeous pigtails".

In a dysfunctional family(this also happens in prosperous families) a preschooler hears mostly negative characteristics in his address. As a result, he develops a stable affective consciousness. "I am bad" “If I’m bad, then it means I’m not worthy of love!”

People with low self-esteem tend to avoid difficult situations, they are easy to lead, they are easy to mislead, and many of them are characterized by ingratiating behavior. They often take a defensive role in life.

position and are easily disappointed, blaming others for their own experiences. Foreign researchers

noted that self-esteem is laid down in early childhood, give such fact: Between the ages of 1 and 5, children typically hear 15,000 to 20,000 words "No" "don't", "it is forbidden". Messages of this kind, coming from an authoritative person,

create a basis for reducing activity, disbelief in one's own strength.

To neutralize this negative programming, it would take from 15 to 25 thousand positive messages like "Yes", "you can", "why not" experts note that the child alcoholic family be in the strongest neuropsychic stress, which leads to blockage of vital energy, the inability to respond to negative

emotions and, ultimately, to various diseases.

Exercises aimed at relaxing muscle tone.

1. "Egg"

The child sits on the floor, pulls his knees to his stomach, wraps his arms around them, hides his head in his knees. An adult sits behind him, clasping the child with his legs and arms, presses him to himself and shakes him slightly.

2. "Kolobok"

Embryo position. Swinging back and forth and left and right,

then rolls onto his back and from side to side. It is necessary to follow. to have his head pressed to his knees

3. "Boat".

4. "Log"

5. "Take it away"

The child holds a small object in his fist. An adult tries to open his fist for a minute and pick up the object. If this fails, the child receives the item as a gift.

In order to correct the emotional state of children, it is necessary

teach proper breathing. Ex. "Balloon" Exercise can be used to relieve anxiety

"Breathing in a square"

Working with a child is long and painstaking. She demands

patience from mom. Therefore, it is necessary to celebrate each of his successes, to praise and encourage more often. Such work will reduce the impact of negative experience and activate its internal reserves.

MOU "Lyceum No. 3 named after P.A. Stolypin, Rtishchevo, Saratov Region"
Preventive conversation "Conversation with parents about education and more."
In modern society, more and more people are inclined to believe that raising a child begins
in family. This is his primary school. Here he must learn from his parents, performing
the role of mentors, the lessons that will lead him through life, the lessons of respect, obedience,
reverence and self-control. Home education has a decisive influence, directing
either for good or for evil.
THOUGHT!!!
 If a child is constantly criticized, he learns to hate.
 If a child lives in enmity, he learns aggressiveness.
 If the child is ridiculed, he becomes withdrawn.
 If a child is often blamed, he learns to live with guilt.
 If a child grows up in tolerance, he learns to understand others.
 If a child is encouraged, he learns to believe in himself.
 If a child is praised, he learns to be grateful.
 If a child grows up in honesty, he learns to be fair.
 If a child lives in safety, he learns to trust in people.
 If a child is supported, he learns to value himself.
Episode 1. Rules for doing homework.
Developing the habit of rigorously doing homework should certainly
be accompanied by the development of an approach to the lessons as an important and serious matter, causing
respect from adults. From this, perhaps, it is necessary
start off. Those parents who, from the beginning of schooling, give their child
to understand that in their importance the lessons are on the same level with the most serious matters,
that adults are busy with. The little schoolboy feels it perfectly. He didn't have before
cases that parents could interrupt at their own discretion. He went for a walk in the yard -
he can be called from a walk at any moment. He began to play - he may be ordered to postpone
toys aside and go eat. And suddenly now among his affairs there appears one that neither mother,
nor daddy never interrupt! Naturally, this case (more precisely, this activity) has in the eyes
the child has a special status. If his occupation cannot be interrupted, just as
interfere with adults when they are working, if the elders try not to disturb him, then the lessons are so
as important as the work that adults do. If you choose to help your child
cooking homework, you should be patient and imaginative to turn

occupation not into a painful procedure, but into a fascinating way of communication and knowledge, bringing
a real pleasure and benefit to the child, and to you. You will need more endurance, strength,
confidence in success than a child. To make the mission easier, consider the basic rules
organization of individual assistance to the child at home, which are able to bring him
really benefit, not harm.
1. Do homework with your child, not instead of him. Try to convince
child that conscientious completion of lessons greatly facilitates the implementation
class assignments, that at home you can find out everything that he could not ask at school without
embarrassment to practice in what is not yet possible.
2. Do with your child only what is given at school. Do not overload the student
additional tasks. Remember that the child is at school for 45 hours and then
his work day continues as he continues to do his homework. The life of a child is
should consist only of school assignments.
3. Work calmly, without hassle, reproaches, censures. Try to find every time
for which you can praise the child. If you fail, repeat the tasks, giving similar ones.
4. Never start with difficult tasks, gradually complicate tasks. During the course
it is very important to reinforce each correct step of the child, as confidence in
doing it right helps.
5. Complicate tasks only when the previous ones have been successfully completed. Do not hurry
get the result, success will come if the child is self-confident.
6. If adjustments need to be made as the work progresses, do so immediately as
the child can “learn” the mistake. But avoid the words “you are doing wrong”, “this
not right".
7. In order for your work with your child to be more effective, it must be
systematic, but short-lived. In addition, it is necessary that this work is not
was a tedious, additional, heavy load, the purpose of which the child does not know and does not
understands.
Episode 2

“There is absolutely no time to take care of the baby!”
 Adults often forget a simple truth - if you have already given birth to a child, you need time for him
to find. The child who constantly hears that adults do not have time for him will
look for soul mates on the side or attract the attention of adults with bad
behavior.
 Even if your day is scheduled by the minute, find half an hour in the evening (in this matter
quality is more important than quantity) sit with him, talk, help the child with household chores
business, tell an interesting, instructive story or discuss a cartoon.

 If the child came to school without completed lessons, received comments from the teacher,
the child gets stressed. The teacher at school explained, showed, taught. Homework
which? HOME. His child is obliged to do at home, under the supervision of parents in
mandatory. (see Rules for doing homework)
Episode 3

"Measures of punishment!"
 Physical punishment can lead to a loss of responsiveness in the child, the ability to
empathize and empathize with other people.
 Punishment then achieves its goal when it helps the child to improve, causes repentance,
condemnation of one's own behavior.

The child should always know why he is being punished. Explaining to him his fault, not
discuss his personality, but discuss the offense that the child committed.
 The most effective punishment is to put him on the sofa and make him read a specific
story and retell it.
Episode 4. "If the teacher is wrong"
Preserving the teacher's authority in the eyes of the child is important not for the teacher and not for the school, but for
normal development of the child. However, what to do if the teacher does not meet his
high role? This, unfortunately, happens. In such cases, there is only one way out:
explain to the child that the teacher is an ordinary living person, the same as everyone else, just in
in this particular situation, his actions, for one reason or another, are not entirely correct, but not
allow the child to develop a negative attitude towards the teacher in general.
What should never be said:
1. The teacher doesn't like you.
2. The teacher grades unfairly.
3. Your teacher is stupid.
4. The requirement of the teacher does not need to be fulfilled - it is wrong.
5. The teacher has no right to do so.
What you can say to a child, but only as a last resort:
1. If the teacher scolds you more often than others, despite the fact that you all behave in the same way, then
- he is just afraid that you will forget too quickly what he has already told you.
2. The mark is given not only for knowledge, but also for attitude. Perhaps the teacher thought that
if you were not lazy, you would do a much better job.
3. Everyone can sometimes forget about something or not notice something.
4. Perhaps this time the teacher made a mistake. Sometimes this happens to everyone.

5. After all, we don’t know exactly why the teacher did this, so let’s not
understand his behavior.
Episode 5

"Tact of Parents"
 Dear parents, if you want your child to hear the teacher at school, do not
undermine the authority of the teacher, do not discuss it in the presence of the child.
 Remember the teacher is also a person, he has his own family and children. He also wants after work
pay attention to your household, and not work as a teacher at home on the phone.
 If you would like to see your child's progress in school, come
directly to the school. By doing this, you show your child that you are interested in him.
learning and their control, which will stimulate the desire to study well.
And yet, consider a few secrets about raising children from around the world.
"Wait!"
It is this word that parents in some European countries say even to the smallest
children, because they believe that a child should be taught that you can’t get everything on the first
requirement. It is with the help of small pauses that parents ensure that children grow up.
more independent.
Magic words.
Who among us was not taught "magic words" as children? Thank you after the meal and say
“please” if you ask someone for something - we know these words and teach our children
use them as we were once taught to do so. But for parents the same mandatory
words other than "thank you" and "please" are "hello" and "goodbye". Noticed
that forcing a small child to say hello to an adult is quite difficult. Especially if you
you come with a child to a strange house and adults are unfamiliar. The child is lost, shy,
stubborn and silent. You make an attempt, but it is most likely doomed to failure, but you don’t
waiting for another. A simple "hello" for the child and others means that he can lead
yourself civilized. So this "magic word" sets the tone for communication between children and adults. With
these words are hard to disagree with.
Who is in charge in the house?
In French families, the question of who is in charge in the house is not raised. The child is always aware
place, and if he sometimes forgets about him, French moms and dads tell him: “Here I decide!”
French Pamela Druckerman Contrasting the American Way of Parenting
emphasizes that in the New World, parents are afraid to infringe on the freedom of their children. It comes down to
absurdity. A child in kindergarten may respond to a teacher’s remark: “You are not my boss!”
and keep doing your thing. In freedom-loving France, this is simply out of the question: "in
in a country where revolution and barricades are revered, there are no anarchists at the family table.”
I note that in France the boundaries of what children can do, and what
it is forbidden. By the way, within these limits, children are absolutely free. They can be naughty and

indulge, and no one will scold them for minor misconduct, therefore, in principle, in France
children are punished very rarely:
“When setting boundaries for children, parents often use the expression “have / do not have
right". “Don't hit Jules,” they say. “You have no right to beat him.” And the difference is not only in
semantics. Such a ban sounds quite different. This expression implies that there is
some fixed, organized system of rules for adults and children. And if the child is not
has the right to do one thing, he has the right to do something else.
Another phrase that French parents often use when communicating with their children is “not
I approve”, which carries much more than the usual “no”. So the parents
show that they have their own opinion, which the child must reckon with. Wherein
it is allowed that the baby can have his own opinion on any occasion.
Perhaps that is why there is always such calm at the table in France. Instead of,
in order to wait for a big scandal and resort to severe punishments, parents take
many small polite preventative steps based on the system in place
rules.
adult time
French children are often sent to summer camps. Parents don't have to worry
too much due to abrasions or bruises, they must trust the teachers and can rejoice
opportunity to be without children. Being just the two of you is a very common way of relaxing for
parents. They are not tormented by remorse if they went somewhere without children and did not
they panic because no one will cope with children the way they themselves. But apart from travel and
going out together, "adult time" happens every day. Small children are usually put to bed
sleep quite early - after 8 pm, time for parents begins. They send
children in their rooms, and those, even if they do not go to bed, are already playing in their nurseries. No
running around the house and demanding hours to put them to bed are not in such families. In the morning
children also do not burst into the room to their parents, but wait for them to come out.
Spouses relationship.
It is believed that the most important thing in a family is the relationship between mom and dad, and children are on the second
place. Indeed, there are a lot of families that put the child or children at the forefront if they
some. Such families are called child-centric. But what happens to them when children
grow up? When you don’t have to run somewhere with them, develop them, do your homework, roll down the mountain?
Is there anything left that makes spouses interesting to each other, regardless of children? When
children are small, it is very difficult to believe that sooner or later they will leave your house. But on
it's actually happening fast. It would seem that quite recently you were shaking this lump in
wheelchair, and now he is studying at the institute, travels independently to another country and drives a car.
What is left for you? Only live your own life, which should not depend
entirely from those whom you gave birth to and raised. And in this I cannot but agree with
the French, who, according to statistics, are considered the happiest spouses in Europe.
Let's think about it and be happy parents for our children!

Material for a conversation with parents "A child learns what he sees in his home"

Author: Anpilogova Lyubov Nikolaevna MKOU "Lozovskaya Primary School - Kindergarten", primary school teacher
Purpose: This material of the conversation will be useful to novice educators, primary school teachers, young parents, and, probably, parents with experience.
Target: Help parents to analyze their parenting behavior and attitude towards raising their children
Tasks: Consider in a conversation with parents the positive and negative aspects in the family upbringing of children;
pay attention to the importance of parental authority in the eyes of the child

Conversation flow:

The child learns what he sees in his home.
Sow an act, you reap a habit; sow a habit, you reap a character; sow a character, you reap a destiny.
W. Thackeray

You can often hear from parents of first-graders of preschool children that the child does not listen to him, is naughty, sometimes falls into hysterics. Why?
Parents need to look for the answer to this question in themselves, in their behavior, relationships with each other, in the way of family life.
This usually happens when parents do not have authority. In the eyes of your children.
Authority is not a special talent, its roots are in the behavior of parents, including all departments of behavior. In other words, all paternal and maternal life - work, thoughts, habits, feelings, aspirations.
Parents themselves must live a full, conscious, moral life of a man of society. In relation to children, they should be at some height, but the height is natural, human, and not artificially created for children's consumption.
The authority of parents is necessary in the family. It is necessary to distinguish true authority from false, based on artificial principles and striving to create obedience by any means.
True authority is based on human activity, on feeling, on the knowledge of the life of the child by the parents, on their help to him.
Acquiring authority in the eyes of your own child is the painstaking work of the father and mother. The opinion of parents about relatives and friends, people around them, colleagues, the behavior of parents in the family circle and outside it, the actions of parents, their attitude to work and to strangers in everyday life, the attitude of parents to each other - all these are components of parental authority. Parental authority should not depend on certain situations that may affect relationships with children. The positive influence of the example and authority of parents is enhanced if there are no differences in the words and actions of parents, if the requirements for children are uniform, constant and consistent. Only friendly and coordinated actions give the necessary pedagogical effect. Important in the creation of authority is also the respectful attitude of parents to the people around them, the manifestation of attention to them, the need to provide assistance.
The authority of parents largely depends on the attitude towards children, on interest in their life, in their small deeds, joys and sorrows. Children respect those parents who are always ready to listen and understand them, to come to the rescue, who reasonably combine exactingness with encouragement, fairly evaluate their actions, know how to take into account wishes and interests in a timely manner, establish communication, and help strengthen friendly relations. Children need reasonable and demanding parental love. Everything - both good and bad - a person receives in the family. This pedagogical wisdom is probably known to everyone.
There are many questions about parenting. In particular, not all parents are able to communicate with the child in such a way that friendly and trusting relations develop between them. Not everyone can explain why a child behaves differently with mom, dad, grandmother, on whom does it depend - on the baby or on the adult? How to combine the exactingness of adults to the child with attention, sensitivity, respect. First of all, it is important to know what your influence on the process of raising a child is.
Every child should receive enough reasonable parental love - it is a kind of vaccination against future complexes, communication difficulties, unreasonable jealousy and unhealthy relationships in his own family. Children's grievances do not go anywhere - they remain with a person for life. After all, most often they are received from the closest people, parents whom the child trusts unconditionally and whose every word he considers a priori truth. Of course, a growing person rethinks a lot, some of the motives of parental actions become clear to him, and he begins to relate to many things differently. Of course, psychologists have come up with many methods of moral revision and resuscitation of the human soul. However, psychological trauma received in childhood is the same disease that, as you know, is easier to prevent than to treat. And the soul is even more difficult to heal than the body.
The child learns what he sees in his home. Dear parents, pay more attention to your children and be an example for them in everything.
Answer the questions:

Can you
1. At any time, leave your business and take care of the child?

2. To consult with the child, regardless of his age?

3. Confess to the child in the mistake made in relation to him? (regardless of his age)

4. Apologize to the child if you are wrong?

6. 6. Put yourself in the shoes of a child?

7. Believe for at least a minute that you are a good fairy? (beautiful Prince)

8. Tell an instructive incident from childhood that put you at a disadvantage?

9. Always refrain from using words and expressions that can hurt the child?

10. Promise a child to fulfill his wish for good behavior?

11. Give the child one day when he can do what he wants and behave as he wants, without interfering in anything?

12. Do not react if your child hit, roughly pushed, or just undeservedly offended another child?

13. To resist children's requests and tears, if you are sure that this is a whim, a fleeting whim?
14. If your child is already 8 years old, consult with him on some issues, teach him to reason, put problem situations in front of him and direct his thoughts and actions in the right direction.
The father and mother in the eyes of the child should have authority. The meaning of authority lies in the fact that it does not require any proof, but is accepted as the undoubted dignity of the elder, as his strength and value, visible to a simple child's eye.
Do parenting relationships affect children? And How?
Of course, the formation of personality is influenced by how parents behave with each other and with the child, how they talk. A child raised by a careless person will be careless, sullen - taciturn. But even if a person knows his shortcomings, they are not easy to correct, so you should be careful in your behavior. If we catch a cold, we try not to approach the child, but not everyone takes care not to pass on our shortcomings to the child. Remember this, control your behavior. The tendency to imitate also affects the emotional state of the child.
Authority is not given by nature, it can be organized in every family, and this is, in general, not a very difficult matter. Parents educate the child with their behavior, attitudes to events, and reactions to them. “You are raising him at every moment of your life, even when you are not at home. How you dress, how you talk to other people and about other people, how you are happy or sad ... all this is of great importance for the child. The slightest change in tone the child sees or feels, all the turns of your thought reach him in invisible ways. This is how the well-known teacher of our time A.S. imagined the influence of parents on their children. Makarenko. Thus, in relation to children, parents "...should be at some height, at a natural, human height, and not artificially created for children's consumption," wrote A.S. Makarenko, tirelessly reminding parents of their parental and human duty to their children. Of course, this is much more difficult than just ordering and commanding.
Parents should show their children that they are pleased with their good deeds and upset by their bad ones. This creates in children a consciousness of the steadfastness of life values. When adults, for the sake of their egoism and mood, allow something today, and prohibit it tomorrow, the child can understand only one thing: it doesn’t matter what I do, the main thing is what mood my mother has. However, if you feel that you can’t change yourself, it’s better to agree with the child in advance: “So, when I’m in a good mood, you won’t be allowed to do whatever you want. And if it’s bad, try to be lenient with me.”
Adults often forget a simple truth - if you have already given birth to a child, you need to find time for him. A kid who constantly hears that adults do not have time for him will look for kindred spirits among strangers. Even if your day is scheduled by the minute, find half an hour in the evening (quality is more important than quantity in this matter) to sit by the baby’s bed, talk to him, tell a story or read a book. The child needs it. If your child is already a junior high school student, be interested in his hobbies, friends, studies; don't push him away if he asks to play with you.
I would like to say about the role of the authority of the pope, especially if a boy grows up in the family. Dad for a child is not just a native person, but a model of a man, a symbol of masculinity, masculinity. The father helps the baby to form an idea of ​​himself and of those around him. The father has an innate reaction in the direction of caring for his wife and children and protecting them. The role of the pope is a certain example of behavior, a source of confidence and authority. The father is the personification of discipline and order. The father is the most natural source of knowledge about the world, labor and technology. It promotes orientation towards the future profession and creates socially useful goals and ideals. If the mother gives the child the opportunity to experience the intimacy of human love. That father leads the baby on the way to human society. For the son, the father is an example, a role model.

On weekends, do not be afraid to entrust your husband with as many cares about the child as possible, let him walk with him, play and feed him. You will see, with your help, your husband will become not only the breadwinner of the family, but also the best dad in the world!
Remember! :_“The abilities and character of a person are not predetermined from birth. For the most part, they are formed at certain points in a child's life. Education, upbringing, environment are of great importance for the personality.
We often hear the question: what to do with a child if he does not obey? This very "does not obey" is a sign that the parents in his eyes do not have authority.
“The child should respect us already for the fact that we are his parents!” No, it shouldn't, we dare to object. Respect must be earned by your actions, your way of life. It is much easier to force a child to obey. Easier, but not better! He will obey as long as he is small and cannot fight back. And then, when the child grows up, and the parents grow old and will themselves need care and understanding, how will such a child crushed in childhood respond. He will either, cursing fate, “repay the debt,” or he will leave and not remember the debt. Parents instead of authority preached authoritarianism. And this type of upbringing has very dangerous results.
There are many families where false authorities lead to irreparable consequences in the lives of children. In these families, children experience a deep deficit of family attention, affection and love. These are the so-called destructive, dysfunctional families. They are different from families with positive potential. It is also based on the way of organizing interaction in the family, the attitude towards the child, the acceptance or rejection of his values. In the typology presented by us, such families include the following: “a family that rejects a child”, “a controlling family”, “a fragmented family”. Relationships in such families are based, as a rule, on the authoritarian position of adults in relation to the child.

Authority is a combination of care and exactingness. The authority of parents grows when parents combine care and exactingness in their approach. Children need to be loved and at the same time make sure that children behave properly, including in relation to their parents. If children test their parents for strength, parents must show their strength. Demanding without caring is perceived as pressure, caring without exactingness does not cause respect: children quickly "sit on the neck." The formula for effective influence: "A smart man with an iron hand in a velvet glove." Learn to be demanding! Train yourself to be caring!
Authority is reduced and lost when parents are demanding without care and, moreover, mock the child.
Dear parents, remember that you are the mirror of the child's soul, into which he looks every day, every hour, every minute and second. Even sees dreams with your participation.

Features of the conversation with the doctor,
teacher, educator, social worker.

Gunter Horn

The practice of child and adolescent psychotherapy is based on the fact that work with a child must be accompanied by work with parents. The results and effectiveness of such work depend on both objective and subjective factors. This article examines the rules for conducting a conversation with parents to collect an anamnesis, for consultations, and also examines the rules for concluding an agreement with parents about their child undergoing psychotherapy. The presented theoretical knowledge about the methodology for conducting such conversations necessarily requires subsequent practical study at training seminars, where there is an opportunity to practice conducting such conversations during special exercises. Participation in such seminars is especially important for working through one's transference and countertransference, which is possible only in the course of individual sessions.

So, a conversation with the parents of a child who is supposed to be taken for psychotherapy includes the following separate components:

• 1. First introductory conversation, presentation of a request for psychological assistance.
• 2. General educational and advisory conversation.
• 3. Collection of anamnesis.
• 4. Preparatory conversation with parents prior to psychotherapy with the child.
• 5. Meetings with parents accompanying psychotherapy with a child.
• 6. Conversation in case of exacerbation of the condition, assistance in crisis situations.
• 7. Conversation during a visit by a psychotherapist to a child at home.
• 8. Conversation with teachers and educators.
• 9. Interview with employees of the social welfare service.
• 10. Conversation with a doctor.
• 11. Conversation with the whole family.
• 12. Final conversation.

1. First introductory conversation, presentation of a request for psychological assistance

In many children's institutions, the first meeting with a specialist is to present a request for psychotherapeutic assistance. As you know, the first impression is of particular importance for all subsequent consultations. Therefore, additional problems may arise if such a conversation is conducted by employees who have not received special training. Even when the therapist asks only a few questions during the first introductory conversation and only supports the conversation with separate remarks-addresses, parents very often spontaneously provide extremely important information. It is necessary to support this and, despite the limited time of the introductory conversation, it is psychologically correct to respond to this information. Many parents come to the first formal meeting with a colossal burden of problems, the pain of suffering, with hopes and expectations. Therefore, for the first introductory conversation, it is necessary to allocate half an hour of time. For the reasons given, it would be highly undesirable to entrust this first introductory meeting to the secretary. It is also undesirable to have a conversation in the secretary's waiting room among forms, papers and telephones.

In any case, it is important for a psychologist to take into account the following points during the first introductory conversation: the age of the child; the reason for the appeal; who sent the child; addresses of institutions and persons legally responsible for the child; results of other surveys, if such were conducted in other institutions. It should not be forgotten that at the very beginning of the meeting you need to tell the parents how much time is available for the conversation and - depending on the accepted rules - how much money will need to be paid. It is recommended to inform parents in advance both about these rules and about the responsibility of the parties using a special memo, which is better to hang in the corridor.

Already during the first interview, it must be clarified whether there is a suspicion of any disease, which may require - in addition to ongoing psychotherapy - a referral (often immediately) to the appropriate specialist doctor. Perhaps, to clarify the psychological diagnosis, it will be necessary to accept the child as soon as possible out of turn. It should also be asked if the parents would like to meet with the appropriate counselor to discuss problems in their family, and may be asked to choose whether to contact a younger or older specialist, a man or a woman. If the parents are willing and able to do so, they should agree on a convenient time for the consultation. It is also necessary to ask about other previous medical and psychological examinations and ask to bring the relevant documents or extracts from the child's card.

Sometimes a parent wants counseling alone or in secret from family members. This happens more often later, as psychotherapy is carried out with the child. It is necessary to pay attention to such a desire and respond to it psychologically correctly. In such cases, it is important to discuss whether the therapist can, if necessary, make phone calls and send mail to the home address or “reach out” to the psychotherapist, as before, the parent seeking psychological help himself.

2. General educational and advisory conversation

Today, many parents already know that various violations in the development of their children are caused by mistakes in education. Some parents are not sure whether they are raising their children correctly and come to a psychologist for prevention. At the same time, they do not declare the existence of any serious problems. Thus, already at the first meeting, it often becomes clear that it makes no sense to carry out a time-consuming history taking or other diagnostic examinations of the child. Instead, in most cases it is enough to conduct one or more educational and advisory conversations. In this case, we are talking, first of all, about those questions that parents have in connection with the upbringing of a child. Sometimes the psychologist gives some practical advice (for example, about planning the daily routine in the family), helps organize additional activities with the child at school, or recommends that parents sign up for special courses for parents.

3. History taking

Psychological help is sought mainly by people who have serious reasons for this. In order to properly deal with severe problems that are common in such cases, a highly qualified specialist is needed, since taking an anamnesis and consulting with parents is significantly different from the usual psychological work with adult patients.

Parents often transfer to their children both their own unfulfilled hopes and their problems, as if loading them with a kind of “dowry” for the rest of their lives. Parents think that their children will achieve those goals that they have not achieved. Therefore, often behind the request of parents to understand the problems of the child is a genuine - often not fully realized - need to get advice about their problems. However, in reality, one gets the impression that parents only seek to transfer their children to a psychotherapist so that he “corrects” them, and they themselves have nothing to talk about with him.

In contrast to “ordinary” adult counseling, the development of the child is always at the center of attention in parental counseling. This means that parents themselves need psychological help so that they can also develop themselves in parallel with the development of the child. For example, a mother needs support so that she can develop from a “mother of a small child” into a “mother of a school-age child”.

It is especially important when counseling parents to pay attention to the feeling of jealousy that sometimes arises in them for a psychotherapist. At the same time, the relationship between parents and psychotherapist should not be built on this basis, because this will adversely affect his relationship with the child. Thus, a very important question arises before us: should the same psychotherapist consult parents and work with a child? Both options are possible. Both have their advantages as well as their disadvantages. In this case, it is necessary to take into account not only theoretical considerations, but also the characteristics of one's own personality and one's previous experience. Since the psychotherapist's own attitudes are determined, independently of theoretical knowledge, also by his previous subjective experience, I would like to first talk about what I do in such situations.

In most cases, I not only conduct psychotherapy with a child, but also invite parents for consultations. I achieve the best results (this can be seen when I then analyze my work) if the parents do not come for consultations too often. Thus, for almost the entire time of my work, I lead weekly groups for mothers, where, if possible, mothers come, whose children undergo individual psychotherapy with me. When, after quite some time, I compare the development of children who have undergone psychotherapy with me, I come to the conclusion that I am more pleased with the results of psychotherapeutic work with children whose mothers (or parents) I met only at long intervals. At the same time, the mothers were and, for the most part, still remain grateful to me for the support they received from me during these meetings. However, in the development of children who were undergoing psychotherapy in parallel with this, I do not see the positive results that I expected. In general, I cannot note such a positive development in children whose mothers were so ill that they sought more frequent meetings (for example, one consultation every two weeks), compared with other children whose mothers I consulted less often. This is not the result of an analysis of individual cases. I came to these conclusions on the basis of summarizing all my experience as a psychotherapist and consultant.

But it's not just "too many" parent consultations that I find problematic. I am also skeptical of the classical psychoanalytic practice of separating work from child and parent, especially if I am thinking about my own children. Assuming that they would need psychotherapy, then at least I would at least try to talk to a psychotherapist in some way. As a parent, it would be unacceptable for me as a parent to send a child to some specialist whom I personally do not know and whom I did not have the opportunity to choose myself. This natural and, it seems to me, normal and healthy need of parents must be taken into account when working with a child. The position of classical psychoanalysis is somewhat reminiscent of the order in the children's hospitals of earlier years, when frequent visits to parents were generally limited.

At the same time, all these years I have been constantly undergoing psychotherapy with children, with whose parents, for various reasons, I could not consult in parallel. And in this case, I was not satisfied with the results of psychotherapy. Often children did not want to come to psychotherapy sessions. In contrast to them, as a rule, the children of those parents who wanted to talk with me at least occasionally, if possible, and who appreciated such meetings, were willing to come.

The combination of one specialist in taking an anamnesis and conducting parental consultations accompanying psychotherapy is determined by the position of the institution. As a result, psychotherapy begins with different starting conditions. In counseling psychological centers, the initial diagnostic examination with appropriate tests and anamnesis is usually carried out by specialists other than psychotherapy itself. In private practice, diagnostic examination and psychotherapy are more often carried out by the same specialist. In the latter case, the collection of anamnesis, from a psychodynamic point of view, can already be considered the first consultative meeting with parents. In separating diagnosis and psychotherapy, it is important that the medical history taker be more careful and restrained in creating a positive transference in the parents, so as not to complicate the subsequent transfer of the counseling function to another colleague.

We are faced with a dilemma of how best to work with a child. On the one hand, for theoretical reasons, the choice of a psychotherapist should be determined by the needs of the child and take into account the choice of an appropriate psychotherapeutic technique. On the other hand, I constantly encounter the importance of a child's attachment to a particular psychotherapist. I myself am of the opinion that a stable relationship with a psychotherapist is in most cases more important for a child than a possible change of psychotherapists, due to the requirements of a particular method of psychotherapy.

For the formation of a trusting relationship between parents and a psychotherapist, it is important which of the specialists employed in the institution will undertake work with the family. This is especially true of large counseling and psychological centers. It would seem that, from a professional point of view, it is better that several specialists or even a group of employees deal with the complex problems of the child. However, many parents feel more insecure than this could reassure them. Most people would like more intimacy and "intimacy" with one permanent specialist, rather than anonymous meetings with an unknown group of employees.

What should be included in the history taking?

To master the technique of taking an anamnesis, it is necessary to undergo appropriate training at special seminars. The collection of anamnesis for adult patients is described in the books Annemarie Dürssen "Biographical anamnesis" (1) and Peter Osten "Anamnesis in psychotherapy. Integrative concept” (2). Unfortunately, I am not aware of good teaching aids for taking an anamnesis in working with children and their parents.

Many psychotherapists use questionnaires that they ask parents to fill out. Questionnaires that you can buy in Germany are usually very detailed, even, in my opinion, too detailed. Because of this, they are so voluminous, they have so many pages that I do not even dare to offer these questionnaires to parents who have contacted me. In addition, in these questionnaires, sometimes from the very beginning a question is asked about disharmony in the family, which I think is not correct. Relationships in the family should, it seems to me, be discussed only in person. And when you know how often it is unpleasant for people to fill out various forms, you understand that you should not burden parents with messing around with such voluminous questionnaires.

In 1970 I developed a questionnaire (see Appendix), which is widely used in Germany. It was based on the following principles: you need to fill out only two standard Din-A4 pages; basically it is enough to mark your answer with a cross; the questionnaire is limited only to questions about the child and deliberately does not touch on family relationships.

The history should take into account the following points:

• - reasons for contacting a child psychotherapist;
• - features in the state of the child at the time of the study;
• - with what frequency and intensity symptoms appear;
• How long have these symptoms been present?
• Do the parents have their own explanation for this?
• - whether the parents have previously consulted other specialists about these problems;
• - who sent the parents with the child for research;
• What are the expectations of the parents?
• - in what conditions the child lives now and what is the situation in the family;
• - biography of the child, starting from the time of the mother's pregnancy;
• - economic and social status of the family;
• - relationships within the family;
• - what experience do parents have from their own childhood;
• Who other than the parents is involved in the upbringing of the child?

When conducting the first meeting to collect an anamnesis, it is still necessary to consider two rules:

• 1. In most cases history taking should not end after the first meeting; on the contrary, many important facts that significantly complement the anamnesis become known only after a good trusting relationship has been established between the parents and the psychotherapist.
• 2. Psychotherapy does not begin with the start of psychotherapy after diagnosis, and already when collecting an anamnesis (especially when the diagnosis and psychotherapy are carried out by the same specialist).

When taking an anamnesis, it is important not only to find out specific facts, but also to motivate parents to cooperate from the very beginning. Enlisting the help of parents should not be delayed, who from the very beginning should, if possible, feel that they are not only being “interrogated”, but that it can be useful for them: they will receive competent advice, they will be able to take a fresh look at what is happening in the family. When this does not happen, parents often remain dissatisfied. For example, I have heard from other colleagues more than once that parents were so critical of a meeting with a psychotherapist: “We have already visited him five times, and he just sat silently, without saying anything about what was happening with our child and what we to do with him."

Parents need to feel understood. Therefore, when collecting an anamnesis, the psychotherapist should definitely tell the parents:

- «... it's good that you came to do something for your child in this way”;

- «... I understand your concern(or irritation) about your child” (that is, under certain conditions, you need to make it clear to parents that they themselves can also be considered as “patients” in some way);

And only in the third place - but most likely already during the first meeting - you need to give parents general instructions on what to do with the child(of course, considering that the final conclusion and recommendations can be given only after the diagnosis is fully established).

In general, the following tips can be given for conducting the first history-taking meetings:

1) positive reinforcement should take precedence over criticism of the negative, it is necessary to praise parents and support what they are doing well;

2) joint games of children and parents are important;

3) the need for the participation of the father in the upbringing of the child should be emphasized, so that he also does something with him;

4) a stable daily routine is important;

5) you need to give examples of how to deal with your aggression.

4. Preparatory conversation with parents prior to psychotherapy with a child

Doctors often tend to make a more severe diagnosis than is necessary. This practice is very doubtful, however, for doctors it has the following advantages:

• 1) if, thanks to psychotherapy, improvements are achieved, then this will mean that the doctor has done a good job;
• 2) if psychotherapy does not lead to any improvement, then the doctor will be right in making a difficult diagnosis.

After the diagnosis is made, and if psychotherapy is shown with the child, for example, using the symbol drama method, it is important to conduct a detailed conversation with the parents. In this case, it is necessary to discuss the following issues and conclude an agreement orally or in writing.

• 1. Minimum duration of psychotherapy and class attendance accuracy. This is not only about a legal contract, but much more about making it clear to parents that self-interruption of psychotherapy can not only be unpleasant for the child, but may also have serious negative consequences for him, causing a deterioration in his mental state.
• 2. Parents should not ask the child about what happened in the classes with a psychotherapist. However, if the child himself talks about it, then parents should listen to him with interest.
• 3. If a child tells his parents about some of his aggressive manifestations or about other "terrible" things, then parents should pay attention to this and discuss it at the next meeting alone with the therapist. In general, one should know that in the course of psychotherapy, as a rule, only that which was already in the child can manifest itself. In some cases, the manifestation of aggression can be a relief for the child, like vomiting when spoiled food leaves the body.
• 4. Of course, parents should not give their child no instructions or warnings about how to behave during sessions with a psychotherapist. Parents should explain why this is so important.
• 5. Required need to tell parents about the methods and techniques of psychotherapy for which it is planned to work with their child. Parents are often skeptical about play therapy (“He only plays with him”). In contrast, the symbol drama (or "fantasy play", "exercises for the work of the imagination") is treated with great respect by parents. In such cases, parents should be explained that psychotherapy is not only due to the decisions and actions of the psychotherapist alone. This is living process of interaction when it is impossible to say in advance which of the techniques - the game, the use of imagination and fantasy, drawing, crafts or conversations - will become the most important to achieve the goal.
• 6. It should be discussed in advance that it is important for the child that with all the problems, desires and questions that arise in connection with psychotherapy, he turned directly to the psychotherapist. Sometimes it takes a long time for a child to make up his mind to tell the therapist about something important. In such cases, it often happens that children would like their parents to say it for them. For example, some children I do not like to present images using the technique of symbol drama, but they do not find the courage to directly tell the psychotherapist about this and ask their mother to do it. other children in general no longer want to go to a psychotherapist and they would like to finish psychotherapy, but they are afraid to talk openly about it with a psychotherapist. Some children would like to invite a psychotherapist home, or at least one time not to go to class, or maybe take a brother or sister with them to class.

It should be agreed with the parents that they will not agree to take on the role of the mouthpiece of the child. If a child tries to send parents to talk to a therapist, then this rule alone will not be enough. It will also be necessary to talk with parents about the reason why this is happening, what psychodynamic reasons underlie such reluctance. There may be several reasons for this:

The child transfers to the psychotherapist the attitude towards the father, to whom he also could not always freely turn and, when it was possible, asked the mother herself to tell the father something important for herself;

The mother herself still in many ways remains the "mother of a small child" and in ordinary life often speaks for the child where he could speak for himself;

The mother, who, by virtue of her own transference to the psychotherapist, would like to appear important and irreplaceable in his eyes; so she seeks every opportunity to talk to him.

• 7. It is also important to inform parents about the inadmissibility of premature termination of psychotherapy. In this case, the following instructions should be given separately:

a) Achieving the goal of psychotherapy depends on not only from the disappearance of complaints and symptoms The child has. Very often they disappear soon after the beginning of psychotherapy. Parents should know that we are talking about the mental development of the child, and not just about behavior. Therefore, parents should be warned that changes in the behavior of the child may soon occur. However, this does not automatically mean that psychotherapy should be terminated only when symptoms improve. For a favorable further development of the child, it is necessary to plan a sufficient amount of time to psychotherapeutically consolidate the results achieved. Otherwise, relapses can easily occur.

b) In the process of a child's development, there are naturally periods when he does not want to go to a psychotherapist.. Such conditions are normal. Psychotherapy should not be stopped. On the contrary, when meeting with parents, you should discuss with them what to do next.

c) At times, especially when psychotherapy is going well, the child may become very dependent on the psychotherapist. It may even be a prerequisite that the influence of the psychotherapist on the development of the child will increase. To prevent possible jealousy on the part of parents, they should be prepared in advance for this, and then, during subsequent consultative meetings with parents, constantly carefully monitor how they react to what is happening and support them.

d) never psychotherapy cannot replace parental attention. However, in the presence of mental disorders, in some cases, psychotherapy may be mandatory. Both circumstances should be discussed with parents already at the beginning of psychotherapy. In any case, parents should not get the impression that psychotherapy is not so important.

e) In the “contract” between the parents and the psychotherapist, it should be noted the need to continue psychotherapy during the holidays and also discuss it with the child himself. If this is not done, then, in my experience, children often believe that during the holidays they do not need to go to a psychotherapist.

• 8. The impatience of parents sometimes also leads to premature interruption of psychotherapy. in parallel with the classes with this psychotherapist, they are also looking for other specialists. Therefore, at the very beginning, it should be discussed with parents that if they have such doubts about the psychotherapist or about their own intentions, then they just need to talk about it with the psychotherapist, because drawing the child into a conflict of relations between two authorities of professionals can cause him additional problems.
• 9. And finally, the child and parents should know at the very beginning of psychotherapy that planned psychotherapy sessions are designed specifically for the child. The child cannot bring his brother, sister or friends to class without prior agreement with the psychotherapist. Especially it is harmful for the child if one of the parents comes instead of him at the time planned for him because they suddenly wanted to consult. Some mothers who bring their child to a psychotherapist try to have a quick talk with the therapist at the beginning of the session. However, they want the child to wait in the waiting room at this time. This can greatly hinder the establishment of a good relationship between the child and the therapist, or may cause discomfort in the child and contribute to the desire to stop psychotherapy.

5. Meetings with parents accompanying psychotherapy with a child

In parallel with psychotherapeutic sessions with the child, the psychotherapist regularly meets separately with the parents and conducts counseling conversations with them. These meetings serve a variety of purposes. Among them, the following topics should be discussed:

• - changes in the child's behavior;
• - changes in the family as a result of psychotherapy and counseling;
• - how parents raise a child, what they do;
• - information from parents about the course of psychotherapy, and, if necessary, about plans to change psychotherapy.

It is important what problems the parents themselves would like to discuss. What can be said about the relationship of parents with each other based on what they talk about, how they look, what gestures they have. What consequences can this have for the child? What model for behavior does the child see in his parents? How does the therapist experience transference reactions on the part of the parents? What feelings of countertransference does he experience himself? How does the structure of the personality of the psychotherapist affect the conduct of the consultation?

Child aggression theme

Reasons for aggressive behavior can, for example, be:

• - rejected, repressed fear;
• - lack of attention;
• - identification with an aggressive family member;
• - delegation of aggression by parents.

It is necessary to find out how parents react to manifestations of aggression in a child: is the topic of aggression taboo in the family, do parents defend themselves with a pacifist position or fall into a stupor, become stiff or respond to the child's aggressive behavior with their own uncontrolled aggressive outbursts?

You can discuss with parents how they can additionally help the child to cope with aggression. For example, parents can be advised to play games with their child that will respond to aggression (games where you can fight; board games; games with tin cans). Parents should be explained that in such games it is important to argue and put up. It is important to talk about anger, rage and aggression. We should also discuss the important role played by aggression in modern society.

The theme of fear in a child

The reasons for fear in a child can be:

• - rejected, repressed aggression;
• - Lack of a sense of security;
• - fear of being abandoned during latent (hidden) marital conflicts among parents;
• - poverty, lack of work, violence, drunkenness of parents;
• - someone's death among relatives or acquaintances of the child;
• - the child's own serious illness;
• - adopted from parents fear for their lives and the lives of loved ones.

It is important to talk with the child about his fears, to find a relative measure of fear (“relativize” fear): if there is too much fear, then it hinders the child’s activity and his school performance; if the child is not afraid of anything at all, that is, there is too little fear, then this can easily lead to disobedience, neglect, carelessness, and refusal to fulfill the necessary requirements. In case of fear, it is good to conduct behavioral exercises with the help of puppet games and role-playing games. It is important to give the child the opportunity to express and respond to his fear also through drawing. In most cases, intensive massage of the back of the child, which the mother gives him right before bedtime, helps to cope with night terrors. After such a massage, the child feels the pleasant warmth of mother's hands for a long time. In some cases, so-called transitional objects (teddy bear, favorite toy, etc.) can be very useful. In addition, here, as elsewhere, the feeling of absolute reliability of parents is of the greatest importance.

The theme of school failure

The reasons for school failure can be very different. Not infrequently, school failure is the result of hidden aggression against conceited parents or generally broken relationships with parents or teachers. In all cases where it is necessary to test the potential abilities of a child, a detailed conversation should be held with parents in advance, during which the following should be discussed:

• - where, in what rooms the child is engaged;
• How has schooling been structured so far?
• - comparison of the child's progress with the progress of brothers and sisters;
• - expectations on the part of parents, which may be overstated.

The theme of relationships with teachers

Sometimes it is advisable to discuss with parents the appropriate reward system for the child, which will motivate him to study better. It is also important to recommend that parents play various board games at home with the whole family, aimed at developing attention, the ability to concentrate, and developing strategic thinking. The child's attitude towards teachers is also influenced by the previous experience of the parents themselves, when they were children and went to school.

The topic of relationship problems

Relationship problems can, like almost all other symptoms, have a variety of causes. Possible causes of relationship problems may include:

• - an unfavorable role model in the face of parents;
• - insufficient contact of the kindergarten or school with the family, as well as the absence of a special youth group;
• - frequent parting with friends due to moving to another apartment;
• - fear of divorce of parents.

Supporting parental friendships with other families that also have children of the same age can be a significant help in preventing the occurrence of subsequent problems in relationships. Moreover, it is desirable that the child had such an experience as early as possible, already in the preschool period. It's good to celebrate children's birthdays together. It is also desirable that the child sometimes stay overnight in the family of his friend or girlfriend.

The list of possible topics of conversations with parents directly related to the development of the child could be continued.

6. Conversation in case of exacerbation of the condition, assistance in crisis situations

If the child's condition worsens, it is necessary to immediately talk to the parents. The topic of conversation should be, first of all, directed to the current conflict itself, as well as to what could be the cause of the crisis. Very often it turns out that the aggravation of the situation was due to a crisis in the relationship of the parents themselves. The cause of the crisis may also be a depressing notice of expulsion from school or non-transfer to the next class. In any case, it is important to find out who in the family suffered the most emotionally - the child or the parents. If it is the parents who suffer in the first place, then it is important that they feel relieved by the opportunity to talk with a psychotherapist. This, in turn, will reduce the stress experienced by the child.

The crisis situation, which is discussed during the meeting with parents, may also have very serious reasons, which the scope of the article does not allow to work out in detail here. For example, it may turn out that the child was the victim of violence, was in a car accident, or other unpleasant circumstances caused him a serious injury. An exacerbation of the condition may be due to a psychotic attack. In this case, you should immediately consult a doctor or refer the child to a psychiatric hospital. Severe scandals and quarrels of parents can also pose a threat to the child. Sometimes in these cases it is advisable to isolate the child or recommend that the mother and child go to a special shelter for women subjected to domestic violence.

7. Conversation during a visit by a psychotherapist to a child at home

It is best to talk with the child's parents at their home if the child and parents invite the therapist to visit. One should not, however, accept this invitation at the beginning of psychotherapy. A psychotherapist can visit the child's family only when a strong psychotherapeutic relationship has already been established. Care should be taken to ensure that parents do not get the impression that the therapist is using his visit to control. This is especially worrisome for parents if the psychotherapist works in an institution subordinate to the Youth Welfare Office or other state regulatory authorities.

The focus of attention of the psychotherapist during his visit to the child's home should be contact with the child himself. In most cases, I would still advise the therapist to refrain from treats. The child may perceive this as if the psychotherapist came mainly to the parents, who prepared delicious food for him. If the psychotherapist agrees to eat during his visit to the child's family, then there is a great danger that he will mostly talk only with the parents. The therapist can only drink a cup of coffee or some soft drink. In any case, it must be the same drink that a child could drink. During the visit of the psychotherapist at home, you should also adhere to a predetermined time limit. If such a visit lasts more than an hour, then there is a danger of insufficient compliance with the rule of psychotherapeutic withdrawal in relation to the family. Many conflict families live in isolation and secretly hope for the possibility of a personal friendship with a psychotherapist.

Of particular importance during the visit of a psychotherapist is the correct interaction with the brothers and sisters of the child who are at this moment at home. It is very important to approach them too, but not to focus on them. In this case, the dynamics of the relationship can easily lead to a rather complicated situation. In some cases, however, visiting the family of the child by the therapist can help draw very important conclusions about the home situation and positively promote transference in the child.

Particular difficulties are sometimes associated with the fact that in Germany the youth administration expects educational and counseling centers to carry out psychotherapeutic work with socially problematic families at home, since there is very little chance that they themselves will go to see a psychotherapist. As a result, this category of families receives a certain advantage, which limits the ability to provide assistance to other clients who seek help on their own initiative. Psychotherapy "at home" is certainly very important. It allows us not to lose sight of the weakest members of our society. However, the normal work of the educational and counseling center should not suffer in this way. For this very complex work, it makes sense to create a special psychosocial service. To work in this area, you need a special professional education and, as it seems to me, a special social attitude and attitude of a specialist.

8. Conversation with teachers and educators

A conversation with a teacher or educator, from a psychotherapeutic point of view, makes sense only when the child feels great confidence in the psychotherapist and only if he agrees with this. Perhaps the child himself will want the therapist to talk to the teacher or caregiver. Of course, parental consent is also required for this. It is important to keep in mind that if the conversation with the teacher or educator takes place prematurely, this can greatly interfere with building a relationship between the child and the psychotherapist.

Sufficient time should be allowed for the interview itself. Many teachers invite the therapist to talk during a short break between classes, and then only 5 minutes are left for the conversation, which, of course, is not enough to discuss everything thoroughly. During the conversation, nothing should be distracting so that the teacher can focus on his observations and tell the psychotherapist about it in detail, in a differentiated way. It is important to discuss with parents in advance whether and in what form it is possible to communicate to the teacher some of the diagnostic data that the psychotherapist has. In some cases, it makes sense to conduct joint conversations in which both the teacher, the parents, and the psychotherapist take part.

What the conversation will be about, and for what purpose such a conversation will be held, depends not only on the situation of the child and his family. It is no secret that teachers themselves have different attitudes towards psychotherapy, sometimes even taking a negative position. During the conversation, this should be taken especially carefully. Very often the child patient becomes the scapegoat in the classroom, onto whom even the teacher transfers his negative countertransference. It is also worth discussing this with the teacher. Especially many problems are associated with situations where conflicts arise between the teacher and parents because of the child. In such cases, it is usually better not to talk to the teacher alone, but to try to have the teacher and parents take part in the conversation together. Otherwise, there is a danger that the psychotherapist's statements about the parents and the teacher will be used for mutual accusations.

9. Interview with social care workers

Interviews with employees of the Youth Welfare Office, Social Welfare Service or other state supervisory authorities are in many cases also best done in the presence of the parents. It often turns out that service employees already know the circumstances of the life of a given family, and parents are often very afraid or simply afraid of the activities of the service. The therapist sometimes needs a special sense of tact to deal with this situation. Such conversations are particularly important when a child or young person is complained of delinquency or absenteeism from school, or when a family is seeking financial support from the appropriate service. The importance and complexity of such conversations can hardly be fully reflected in the scope of this article. This requires a more thorough study.

10. Conversation with a doctor

For psychotherapists, if they do not have a medical education, this conversation is very often especially significant. Of course, parental consent is also required. With them, as well as with the child himself, the need to talk with a doctor should be discussed in detail. If this is not done, then there is a great danger that the child will feel: he is considered "sick."

Interviews with a doctor, especially a family or family doctor who has seen a child for many years, can be extremely helpful, as they provide significant information about early childhood and the child's family, which is important for assessing the prognosis of psychotherapy. Unfortunately, however, there are still quite a few doctors who do not have sufficient psychotherapeutic knowledge and do not show due tact in working with children and adolescents. In such cases, one of the objectives of the conversation with the doctor should be to explain the child's behavior so that the doctor understands him better.

11. Conversation with the whole family

Usually, parents believe that the goal of psychotherapy with their child is to eliminate behavioral and / or mental disorders in the child. However, many often do not understand enough that a good trusting atmosphere in the family is a prerequisite for this, when there is an opportunity to talk about all the exciting problems. Although it often seems to me that it is difficult to limit psychotherapy with a child to only family therapy, I still find it necessary that such conversations can take place in the family. I see this as one of the important goals of my work. In many cases where I have done individual psychotherapy with children and adolescents, my work could be considered finished when more and more family conversations took place at my patient's home. After the child received some support and strengthening of his I, he usually at some stage became able to feel good during such family conversations. The intrapsychic integration achieved through individual psychotherapy of hitherto unacceptable parts of one's own personality should ideally find its correspondence in the "relationship integration" of the family conversation. Special exercises for the development of communication in a playful way facilitate such conversations and enrich everyday communication within the family.

12. Closing conversation

The final conversation serves to complete the usual regular psychotherapy sessions. Since human relationships, as well as psychotherapeutic relationships, cannot be arbitrarily started and ended arbitrarily, it is not necessary to set ourselves the goal of deliberately ending the existing deep relationship between the family, the child and the psychotherapist. Here I do not take the position adopted in classical psychoanalysis. However, I believe that children and adolescents, because of their age-appropriate genetic task of separation, are better able to deal with the internal separation from the therapist themselves. It seems to me that it is better for children and adolescents to leave a psychotherapist with the knowledge that at any moment - regardless of whether they have any problems or not - they can meet him again. In my experience, not many kids and teens really enjoy it. And some come only after a few years to proudly talk about their successes or other pleasant events. But even those who don't come anymore gain a certain confidence and a sense of security from the promised opportunity to see the therapist again. This is especially reassuring for parents when they know that, if necessary, they can turn to a psychotherapist again at any time. There are objective reasons for such a need: children in their mental development are not as stable as adults, and under the influence of many circumstances, children can relapse much more easily than adults.

It should also be said that counseling the parents of adolescents has its own specific features. The general attitude should be to provide psychotherapy to adolescents as independently and independently of their parents as possible. However, in some cases it can be very important to connect to the work of the family. However, here, too, the goal of psychotherapy is to make it possible (again possible) for an adolescent to openly discuss his problems with his family.

Literature:

• 1. Dührssen, Annemarie: Die biographische Anamnese.
• 2. Osten, Peter: Die Anamnese in der Psychotherapie. Einintegratives Konzept.
• 3. Reinelt, T.; Bogyi, G.; Schuch, B. (Hrsg): Lehrbuch der Kinderpsychotherapie.

Translation from German by Ya.L. Obukhov

Appendix

Questionnaire

In order for us to have more time for a personal conversation, we ask you to answer the following questions. If you can not
or do not want to answer any questions, then just leave the corresponding column blank.
You can be sure that all information will be treated confidentially.

Please tick the questions that you think apply to your child.
If you have any comments, please write them in the box. " Explanations".

Child's name: Who completes the form: Date: .

Now or before, have you noticed in your child		Explanations
Eating disorders, abdominal pain, vomiting
Overweight or underweight
Constipation, diarrhea
Fecal incontinence or reluctance to go to the toilet
Urinary incontinence at night and/or during the day
Super high motor activity, restlessness
Awkwardness, the child often hurts himself
Grimacing, twitching and twitching of the face
Body sway, head movement
Frequent headaches
Left-handedness or equal use of both hands
Poor vision or hearing
Speech problems
Fainting, circulatory disorders
Frequent redness
Increased skin sensitivity
Sexual problems or unusual features in this
Strong desire to suck
Nail biting, burr pulling, picking
Chewing objects, twisting hair
teeth grinding
Desire to sleep, increased need for rest
Sleep disturbances, nightmares
Frequent desire to sleep with parents
Fear of the dark, only sleeps with the light
Generally shy, particular fears
Heightened sensitivity to noise
Increased sensitivity to smells, aversion
Very sensitive to dirt, neat
Very organized and disciplined
Mood swings, crying a lot
Doesn't want to live anymore
Closure, stinginess of words, timidity
no friends, isolation
Can't take care of himself
Fooling around, wanting to be the center of attention
Often irritated, looking for quarrels
Wants to command others
Deceives, forges signatures
Very disorganized, unpunctual
Seeks to run away from home, vagrancy
Everything breaks and destroys
Wants to have everything, huge requests
Takes things from others, steals
Gives everything, squanders
Few interests, no hobbies
Passive, inactive
Poor academic or work performance
Skipping school, not participating in work
Overambitious, can't lose
Jealousy and rivalry with siblings
Other features:

Questions about pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period of the mother

Did the mother work during pregnancy (until which month)
Did the mother work after the birth of the child (since what month)
Was the pregnancy planned
Have you had a miscarriage or premature birth before?
Is there an intolerance to the blood type of the parents
Were there any complications or diseases during pregnancy (which ones)
Were there mental stress, stress during pregnancy
Childbirth more than 10 days or 10 days from due date
Prolonged labor, breech presentation, forceps, vacuum, etc.
Was the father present at the birth?
Were there any nutritional or digestive disorders at 1 year of age

Past diseases (at what age)

Other diseases:

Separation of a child from parents (for example, on vacation, due to illness, with relatives)

Aged		For what time?		Where was the child?		In connection with what? Did the child have fears of being alone?

Was the child raised by grandparents, aunts
Whether the child witnessed death or serious illness
Has the child witnessed a serious accident on the road?
Did the child go to kindergarten and at what age
Did the child have problems attending kindergarten?
Were there any complaints about the child
Have you had problems getting into school?

Gunter Horn - psychoanalyst, leading child psychotherapist in Germany, associate professor at the Institute of Catatim-Imaginative Psychotherapy (Germany), creator of the symbol drama of children and adolescents. Author of books, head of training programs for the training of child and adolescent psychotherapists in Germany, Austria, Switzerland and the Czech Republic. In 1997 and 1999 held two training seminars in Russia.

About the “Psychological game for the whole family” developed by G. Horn, aimed at developing the social, emotional and communicative competence of the child, as well as contributing to the improvement of relations in the family and teaching family members to communicate with each other, you can read in the publications of E.V. Trofimova and O.V. Kazantseva.

CONVERSATION "Means of effective communication with the child in the family"

(speech at parent meeting)

If you have begun to put into practice the principles of parenting, then your children should already understand that they will no longer be able to control you with the help of whining.

Our goal is not to stop kids from whining, but to teach them to communicate calmly and respectfully. Agree, if the whims are replaced by alienation between parents and the child, then the situation in the family will become even more tense. Our goal is to replace disobedience with an open and respectful dialogue that will benefit both adults and children.

Parents are the ones who should show their children an example of calm and respectful communication.

To completely get rid of whining and whims, you must offer children a new way to communicate. But remember that the child takes an example from the parents, so you must also work on yourself.

Treat all family members as friends or colleagues - calmly and respectfully. remember, that between parents have a huge impact on the formation of the personality of the child.

Unfortunately, very few people were lucky enough to grow up in a family where parents and children respected and loved each other. Family members often hurt each other. Some may allow themselves in words and deeds with their husband (wife) or child that they would never allow in a relationship with a stranger.

How to change relationships in the family? Start simple - think about how you talk to other family members. There are three ways to interact with others that are consistent with the principles of education:

aggressive (autocratic);

passive (all-permissive);

efficient (democratic).

Many people believe that the only way to get their way is through aggression. They shout, demand, intimidate, order and insult. There are people who constantly behave in this way, and those who resort to such methods only in extreme cases.

Everyone at least once broke down in response to the whims or whining of children. If you analyze such cases, you will notice that nothing good was achieved by this: the child either responded in kind, or closed off and took revenge at the first opportunity.

The second ineffective principle of interaction with others is permissiveness. Those who adhere to it cannot insist on their own, take the initiative into their own hands and always find an excuse for this. In other words, such people allow themselves to be twisted into ropes. Neither husband (wife) nor children respect them. Passive parents often resort to aggression when the child pisses them off.

Effective (democratic) communication style is based on self-respect. You yourself set the boundaries of what is permitted and determine how others should treat you. At the same time, you also treat others with respect. Effective communication must be learned.

We offer two basic formulas for effective communication. First, you simply communicate what you will (or will not do) in case of disobedience. This formula is widely used in preventing the consequences of bad behavior. Be concise, confident, respectful, and calm.

The second effective communication formula comes in handy when you need to have a serious conversation with your child (or anyone else).

Formulas for effective communication will help you significantly improve relationships between family members. But prepare for the fact that changing behavior will not be so easy.

First of all, remember that you have two tasks at once:

Use the principles of consequences to stop whining.

Make it so that whining is replaced by open and respectful dialogue.

Both parents and children should learn to talk to each other calmly, with love and care, even on the most problematic topics.

Using effective communication formulas, you directly and in a respectful tone express your feelings, thoughts and attitudes to the interlocutor. At first glance, everything is very simple, but in fact, be prepared to put in a lot of effort to put the principles of effective communication into practice.

Formulas for effective communication are not only a valuable educational technique. By applying them, you will teach children to be honest and open, to express their feelings and desires.

All children go through a period when they need to test the boundaries of what is permitted and test the patience of their parents. Even if your child doesn't throw tantrums, you can prevent bad behavior by showing that you won't tolerate it.

Parents should discuss some issues with their children in advance and explain to them why it is impossible to offend other kids, insult them, swear, deceive. Teenagers should be explained why you are against bad companies, what will happen if they come home later than the appointed time or go where it is forbidden to go, why you can not smoke and drink alcohol.

Such issues should be discussed with the children in advance and explain what kind of behavior you expect from them and what consequences will result from disobedience. This is especially important if there are teenagers in the family, so parents need to learn how to master the formulas for effective communication.

Also, do not forget that effective communication formulas are only one way to get your message across to the child's mind. Parents must maintain a calm, firm and respectful tone, regardless of the nature of the misconduct and the severity of the problem. You can start from a very early age, but the formulas for effective communication will help build rapport even with older children.

When you begin to apply the principle of consequences with teenagers, be prepared for loud protests, so choose your words carefully and be laconic. Try to speak as little as possible and only on the topic, without raising your voice, expressing dissatisfaction or ridiculing the child.

You, of course, are tormented by completely natural doubts. This is understandable, because all parents want their children to study well. Therefore, in such a situation, you are torn between the desire to teach the child to be responsible for his actions and the desire to save him from the consequences of irresponsibility shown. But think about how he will learn to be independent and fulfill obligations if he always hopes for a magic wand - the support of mom and dad?

Also remember that in parenting you must be consistent. It is impossible at the same time to maintain a firm position and give in where the school is concerned. It won't benefit anyone. You must remain firm, and the child must learn to think about the consequences of his actions. Believe that, faced with such an answer several times, the child will learn that not the parents, but he himself is responsible for his actions.

Most children, to the surprise of their parents, absolutely adequately respond to being addressed to them in a calm and respectful tone, without reproaches, criticism and intimidation. You just need to say what was wrong, and ask in the future to behave differently. At the same time, parents express confidence that the next time the child will behave better, and this is very important. Children need to be made to feel that their parents expect them to do good, sensible things.

If the child does not accept your appeal, starts arguing or moves to accusations, take a neutral position and leave the room. You must remain calm and firm, no need to roll your eyes, sigh heavily, get angry or bully the child.

Showing your irritation and anger, you sink to the level of a capricious child. If you pay him the same coin, then you allow whims to develop into a real hysteria, when reasonable arguments are useless and powerless.

You, as parents, must first learn to control your emotions. This is the only way to teach your kids how to communicate without whining, insults, yelling and bullying. This is the only way to overcome their bad behavior. Remember: children learn from their parents.

Not succumbing to manipulation and not entering into quarrels, you teach your child to respect himself and others.

It is important to realize that children cannot become polite and obedient on their own. But if they see a positive example in front of them, sooner or later they will begin to follow it. Stay true to the ideas and be willing to follow them even if you don't get immediate results.

Everyone needs to learn respectful communication, because it helps to strengthen relationships in the family.

Many people believe that effective communication formulas only work for older children who understand what is being said to them, but do not forget that facial expressions and gestures are effective means of non-verbal communication. Even the smallest child, by your behavior, is able to understand that he did not do well. Children respond to the tone of your voice, although they do not understand the meaning of all the words you say. From a very young age, you are preparing the ground for mutual understanding in the future, when the children grow up and begin to understand the meaning of your every word.

Mistakenly believing that up to a certain age the child does not understand anything, and postponing his upbringing, you are doing yourself a disservice. The child gets used to being allowed to do everything, so later on it will be very difficult for you to force him to change his behavior.

Education begins not at the age of five, or even at three, but at the age when the child is able to trace the connection between his actions and the consequences they cause. Formulas for effective communication work even on the smallest children, helping to lay the foundation for further mutual understanding and mutual respect.

We get irritated and grind our teeth when our attempts to control our children in everything do not help to find a common language with them. We forget that, as parents, we can and should work on ourselves, learn, master new methods of education, such as formulas for effective communication. Only in this way can we teach children to respect themselves and others, to become full members of the .

The formulas for effective communication need to be learned. Misunderstanding and conflicts between parents and children are the result of an incorrectly chosen style of behavior.

Remember that family relationships are the standard for the child. The attitude of children to peers and adults in kindergarten or school is a reflection of family relationships. They treat their friends and caregivers the way they are accustomed to treating their family members.

Therefore, by creating an atmosphere of mutual understanding and mutual assistance in the family, you make life easier for yourself and the child, both within the family and outside it. The methods described in this article will also help build relationships in any adult team.

Believe me, children do not like to quarrel with mom and dad, they just do not know how to get attention and express themselves in a different way. Wise parents should show their child positive ways to be of benefit to the family and be a full member of it. These important skills will help them later in life.

Parents should remember that they are an example for their children. Formulas for effective communication will help you correct your child's behavior and direct him in a positive direction.

Children want to be like their parents, even if they don't admit or deny it. The words and behavior of adults are a kind of starting point for children. Mom and dad are the first adults with whom children begin to communicate. They idealize their parents, try to imitate them. Therefore, our words and actions in response to what is happening have a much greater impact on children than we think.

By our behavior, we show children from an early age how to behave in this world. Unfortunately, many parents do not realize what a big responsibility this is. Everyone has role models, and the first and most important are mom and dad. Parents should be fully aware of the influence they have on their children, especially teenagers. At this age, children are especially zealous in trying to prove to mom and dad that they are almost adults and do not need advice and education. In fact, adolescence is one of the most difficult periods in life, when children face hundreds of problems that require difficult decisions. It is at this age that children need parental advice and help more than ever.

Maturity is the most valuable quality in adults that children do not have. Parents should build relationships in the family calmly and judiciously so that children can learn from their example.

Do not forget that even the words that family members use in communicating with each other are important for education. Rudeness, abuse and shouting are no less dangerous for children than corporal punishment.

Do not speak

"You are ill-mannered and ungrateful!"

“How could I raise such a child!”

“You already got me with your whining!”

"Well, why can't you behave like a brother?"

"Do whatever you want, you never listen to me anyway."

“Shut up now, otherwise you will stay at home!”

"If you had even a little thought about your family, you would not act like this."

"Egoist! Think only of yourself!”

Agree, when we are reprimanded, we perceive not the words themselves, but the tone in which they are uttered. We listen, but we do not hear the interlocutor. And then we begin to get angry and defensive, rude and insult other people. As a result, a serious quarrel flares up, which will not be so easy to stop.

There is only one way out: you need to learn to communicate in a different way, in a new way, and teach this to your children. Remember: children are a reflection of their parents. So if you want them to start behaving better, change yourself first.

It is important that parents do not allow conflict to flare up. Learn to extinguish it at the very beginning, then no one will make mistakes and will not say rude things, for which he will be ashamed later. Moreover, both you and the children will have time to calm down and think about the situation. You need to learn to restrain emotions so that they do not prevent you from sorting out your feelings and correctly formulating the main idea. Parents should talk to their children in a way that they can be heard and understood. Only in this way can mom and dad become good mentors, able to explain important concepts and values ​​to children, even in the most difficult conditions, to teach them responsibility.

Effective communication formulas will help you develop an open and respectful dialogue with your children. You will be pleasantly surprised to see that the calm tone and the absence of emotionally charged words aroused in the child the desire to talk heart to heart with you. It is known that good friends need an open, confidential conversation to solve any problem. Ideally, the same relationship should be between parents and children.

Speaking frankly with a child on a variety of topics, you thereby, as it were, unobtrusively explain to him that you expect the same from him. Any problem can be solved without anger, cruelty and insults. Children will take this new approach as an opportunity to talk openly with you about topics that concern them. Formulas for effective communication will help restore trust between parents and child, and this will be a turning point in family relationships.

If, however, all your attempts to improve relations with children you meet with misunderstanding, do not lose patience, continue to act and do not focus on children's stubbornness. By such behavior, you will show the child that from now on you will not react to his bad behavior and enter into empty arguments.

Your task is to create trusting relationships in the family that are conducive to frank conversations. It is necessary to help the child understand that a word can seriously offend a person. Relationships should be built with kindness and patience - after all, anger and irritation have never led to anything good. To change the atmosphere in the family, learn to treat each other with respect and care.

The more parents deal with issues of upbringing, the better they understand that it is impossible to establish warm, trusting relationships with children if you constantly try to control them, command them, ridicule them, or, conversely, fulfill every whim. The only way to influence a child is to establish a trusting relationship with him based on mutual respect. To do this, you must first of all give up the desire to control the child in everything or “remake” him. Instead, you need to learn to control your own reactions to the actions of others. Control yourself, not your children - this is the only way to change yourself and create open, warm, friendly relations in the family, when everyone feels like a full-fledged person who deserves respect and love.

Formulas for effective communication will help change relationships in the family both on the surface and on the deep level. They teach all family members to demonstrate their strength and importance without humiliating others. With their help, everyone will be able to speak frankly about what is important to him without feeling embarrassed. With your calm and respectful tone, you send a positive message to your children: “I love and respect you. I want you to understand my feelings because you are a very important person to me.”

Such changes will bring a lot of positive moments, in particular, children will learn to express their feelings and wishes without whining and whims. They will understand that there are effective and positive ways of communicating that help them achieve what they want.

Positive communication does not mean that children will always get what they want, but it helps to create an atmosphere of mutual understanding and support in the family. It is very important for a child to know that he will always be listened to attentively, his opinion is taken into account, he is respected and loved. For him, this is much more important than just getting what he wants, no matter what.

Plus, the positive communication skills that the child has acquired in the family will help him outside of it. Remember, respectful and positive communication is the foundation of any long-term relationship. How many families could be saved from disintegration if spouses knew how to listen and respect each other! This should be taught from childhood, creating warm and trusting relationships in the family.

If a child is not taught this in childhood, then he will become an embittered, difficult teenager, and in the future - an adult with various destructive inclinations. Parents must believe in themselves and work first of all on themselves so that family relations improve. Firmness and consistency, establishing cause-and-effect relationships and formulas for effective communication will help to achieve mutual understanding in the family and discuss important issues without reproaches and stress.

Class teacher Shcherbina T.V.