How to live with your mother-in-law. How to get along with the mother-in-law: simple rules Living with the mother-in-law in her house

The first thing I would start with: set myself up for love. When I'm suffocated by negativity towards someone, I always say to myself: Lena, stop. Every person has two sides. Now you only see the bad. Let's look at this man from the good side.

Most often, the soul softens after this, and even shame for oneself appears. And as a result, pity for the person whom I rotted in my eyes and saw only the bad in him.

This is a wonderful state that helps to find the truth. That is, not their own truth, but the truth of both sides. After all, as you know, two people are ALWAYS to blame for a quarrel. And the one who is smarter is more to blame.

After that, I tune in to the position of a proactive person. Not a reactive one who REACTS to the situation, responds with his actions to other people's actions, but a person who paves his own path, along which he needs to be followed.

So. We live together. There are pros and cons. We will leave, there will be pluses and minuses. The ideal, when there are only pluses, does not happen in life.

In order to define your actions, you first need to decide on a goal.

By all appearances, your husband is doing well in his parents' house. Yes, and you are not so bad. Only the situation with homework that has arisen interferes. Apparently you have no complaints about the father-in-law.

And the mother-in-law, just a tired woman, to whom life gave the joy of rest for a minute, and then quickly took it away. She was offended. But not on you. And that it will be hard for her again. Get the situation right. How long have you been housekeeping? And for how many years she fed, watered, raised, and even worked.

She's just tired. And he can't find the strength to go back.

When you have children, then you, too, as she will cook, clean, wash. Because this is YOUR family. And this is a very strong motive.

And the mother-in-law with the father-in-law is not your family, so the motive is weak and you are on strike.

But for the mother-in-law, you are not her family, and your husband is now, as it were, more yours than hers, so her motive is also not strong.

What a summary: neither you nor your mother-in-law are ready to do all the housework.

What to do? You can, as you have already tried, "leave the ball to each other." Such a decision only leads to conflict. What did you actually come to.

And now a simple psychological move.
Never! never criticize a person. No husband, no daughter, no friend, no one! This causes resentment, defensive reaction and guaranteed conflict.

You need to DISCUSS ACTIONS.

The child is not a slob who always has dirty hands, but: look, his hands are dirty, they are dirty, let's wash them. Don't forget to wash your hands when you get dirty. And I'll give you some hints until you yourself remember.

Technically it looks like this: Sit down at the table. Place a sheet of paper in front of you. And "draw" mentally the problem on the sheet. The main thing: no people.

Morning. Cost Cooking, cleaning.
Evening, dinner, cooking, cleaning.
Saturday, shop, market, laundry, big cleaning.

You can draw this on paper in a circle. And in the second, larger circle, draw the people to whom this applies.

Get four people. Who decides all these issues? For one person, anyone, too much. It's easier for two. For four, just lightly))).

Gather the whole family, put a piece of paper on the table, warn that no one can talk about a person, but can only talk about a person’s actions. He does not talk about the past, but only talks about the present and the future.

Here are the cases before us. We all use it. It's four of us. Let's write the cases in a column and put each one in the columns. And now what affairs in whom cause what emotions.

Washing dishes? Me - 2, mother-in-law - three, father-in-law, husband - 4. Oh, the husband is less disgusted than others to wash the dishes. The husband is washing the dishes. Etc.

Another way.

At the moment when you love and pity your mother-in-law, call her to whisper. Confess that in the heat of the moment they did not take into account how hard it is now for her to drag four adults on her. Tell me what's hard for you. Agree on how to divide the responsibilities between two. She cooks, you clean, she does laundry, you shop. Moreover, arrange a joint conspiracy against men: why serve such bullies? Let's wisely, like a woman, teach them to wash dishes, take out the trash, go for potatoes.

I do not know the peculiarities of your family, but I know for sure that when positive attitude you will come up with your own scenario that will not only help you overcome the crisis, but also give you a chance to improve what you have: get closer to your mother-in-law, for example. And your husband will appreciate you more, and this is not so unimportant in a big life.

And if you separate, you will lose both.

Unless each of you will cook two servings less. But EVERYBODY will do the full range of things. What were they fighting for? And as a result, a complete set of housewives for everyone. And so there is a chance for each of you to make your life easier.

To understand the reason for the appearance of conflicts with the husband's mother, you need to mentally put yourself in her place. It immediately becomes clear that the appearance of a daughter-in-law in the house disrupts the usual course of things. The mother-in-law has been equipping her house and life for years, and now a person has appeared who is trying to make his own adjustments to the already established way of life. It is clear that it is necessary to do this, because she also has her own habits and preferences. This is the thought that needs to be conveyed to the mother-in-law.

The bulk of the conflicts between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law occur not because of hostility towards each other or a complex nature, but because of the violation of family rules by the daughter-in-law.

How to survive in the same house as your mother-in-law

With the mother-in-law, you must try to establish a psychological distance. You don't have to act unnatural to make yourself look better. She will notice it anyway and will not appreciate such efforts.

You should not start to put things in order in the mother-in-law's house on the very first day after the move. In this case, it is worth being patient and waiting for time.

Even before moving to the mother-in-law, it is important to discuss everyday issues. In such a conversation, do not be shy to ask questions and put forward your suggestions. It should be clear how the housekeeping will be distributed: who will be responsible for food and who will be responsible for laundry.

The financial issue is also of great importance. It is necessary to agree on who will buy food, household chemicals and other things for common use. By the way, in this case it would be much more reasonable to maintain separate budgets.

Morally, you need to be prepared for the fact that the mother-in-law will begin to teach how to run a household. She can do this delicately, throwing meek remarks with a smile, or, conversely, starting a long fiery speech in which a sharp emphasis will be placed on things that she did not like. But in this or that case, it is important to remain calm. Perhaps even the mother-in-law will try to specifically bring her daughter-in-law to emotions, then all the more it is worth keeping herself in control. It is more likely that after a while the husband's mother will calm down, noticing that the daughter-in-law does not react to her negativity.

And, of course, in order not to turn the mother-in-law against yourself, you need to remember and observe one thing, but extremely important rule: Under no circumstances should you sort things out with your husband in the presence of your mother-in-law. It must be understood that she is a mother who will always be on the side of her child. And even if the mother-in-law does not interfere in the skirmishes between her

About how to behave if separate housing looms in the distant future, and the young are forced to exist on the same square meters as the mother-in-law, we asked the psychologist, the founder of the center " Happy family”, Irina Korchagina.

I will repay, or history repeats itself

Every woman first lives in the status of a daughter-in-law and suffers from the oppression of her mother-in-law. She then becomes a mother-in-law herself. It would seem that a woman should remember her suffering, draw conclusions and say to herself: I was tormented by my mother-in-law, now I will not oppress an innocent girl who married my son, and I will not cause her suffering. Not! This is not happening! A woman, moving from the status of a daughter-in-law to the status of a mother-in-law, seems to say to herself: well, now you will answer for my suffering. She rolls up her sleeves and with increased force begins to do with her daughter-in-law what her mother-in-law once did with her.

Why is this happening? The explanation lies on the surface: the whole existence of man is built on rivalry. Men fight for territories, for power, for markets, for women. Well, women - women fight for men. The rivalry between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law is dominated by non-contact battles, although sometimes they are fought in such a way that shreds fly through the back streets.

The mother-in-law is always neither a friend nor an enemy, but a rival.

We take as a basis that you got a good mother-in-law. She tells her daughter-in-law that she is always on her side and, like a woman, she will always understand and support her. Don't believe! In the most critical moments, the mother-in-law will always take the side of her son, because he is her blood, flesh of her flesh. In relations with the mother-in-law, you should always be on your guard, never relax and keep a reasonable distance. It is ideal to live as far away from the mother-in-law as possible. Best of all - in another city. But this condition, unfortunately, is rarely feasible, so I propose some rules that will help you maintain a comfortable relationship with your mother-in-law.

Divide the beds correctly

It is no coincidence that they say that two housewives do not get along in the same kitchen, so if you had to share a roof with your husband's parents, find yourself an unoccupied niche in the household. It's a niche! If you do nothing, you will be accused of idleness. If you grab onto everything in a row, this will be regarded as an attempt on the master's territory, and war is guaranteed for you, so a correctly found niche will save you.

For example, your mother-in-law is a wonderful hostess, but she does not know how to sew, then start sewing something for your husband, even some shorts for giving. If you don’t know how to sew at all and don’t even know how to pick up scissors, then find some craftsman, let them cut these shorts for you, and with a smart face you will pretend that you are processing the seams.

The main thing is that the mother-in-law observes you with work in hand, and then sees the result of your work on her adored son. This is enough to build a reputation.

Take into account that all your economic efforts should be intended only for your husband, that is, her son. Any other innovation of the daughter-in-law will be rejected and even written down as a liability.

If, for example, you notice that your mother-in-law does not sew curtains, and decide to eliminate this gap in the household with your own hands, sew new curtains and put them on the windows, they will simply be removed as an object that brings disorder into the traditions of the house that have been established for years.

I also don't recommend getting into cooking. A big mistake many women make is trying to cook something from the repertoire of their husband's mother.

The daughter-in-law may take an interest in the recipe, she can even memorize it and quote it at every opportunity, but in no case should you try to put this recipe into work.

This is the very competition that the daughter-in-law will never win. Yes, there is a great temptation to cook his favorite empanadas (dumplings with garlic, charlotte with apples) according to his mother's recipe. It seems to the daughter-in-law that, having mastered the famous mother's recipe, she will kill two birds with one stone: she will please her mother-in-law, as she will continue family tradition, and will please her husband, as she will prepare his favorite dish. But this is an illusion!

The trick here is very simple: it does not matter what and how the wife cooks. She can do it very well, and the dish will be great. But it will be different. It will definitely be different, because the same ingredients in different hands give different results. This is a known fact. And the son is used to absorbing what his mother has been preparing all previous years. Habit is a great power! And in this case, the habit will become the weapon that will bring victory points to the mother-in-law. Therefore, never undertake to cook his mother's favorite dishes! And anyway, why do you need to cook? Let her do it, accustomed to doing it year after year. And your diocese is the bedroom. Do magic there!

Keep your distance

Very often, the mother-in-law offers friendship to her daughter-in-law and starts heart-to-heart conversations with her, she offers her friendship to her. How easy it is for girls to fall for this hook! And in fact - who refuses to have intimate conversations? I warn you: you need to be friends with your mother-in-law very carefully, keeping an honorable distance. And not everyone should keep up the conversation. Especially if the mother-in-law likes to talk about her son. And she demands from her daughter-in-law to tell her everything. Everything!

To speak mother-in-law about her son, you need only good things and never succumb to her provocations to criticize her son along with her.

If she begins to do this, then criticism of her son should be stopped with a soft and insinuating intonation, but it is better to gracefully transfer the conversation to another topic.

It is also very important to remember that one cannot speak badly of the mother-in-law.

You can’t complain about your mother-in-law to your husband, you can’t ask him to appease his mother. When a wife complains to her husband about her mother, a real revolution begins in his head, bloody and merciless. Mom is the most precious thing in a person's life. And the wife encroaches on her mother! It doesn't matter if the criticism is fair. And it does not matter that the son himself often criticizes his own mother. He is allowed. She - no.

If something in the mother-in-law does not like, whether it is pleasant or not, but the wife must resolve her issue with the mother-in-law herself, and the husband must be taken out of the game. Women often put their hands on their hips and say: "Either me, or your mother." A very dangerous phrase! After all, this choice may not be decided in favor of the wife. Wives come and go, but mother is the only one and forever. Even if it seems to a woman that there is not a very good relationship between her mother-in-law and her son, even in these cases, it is impossible to put the question to her husband so sharply. Unless, of course, you want to get divorced. And if you want to save a relationship, don't play with fire!

Hearing that when you get married, you are going to settle in your mother-in-law's house, married girlfriends are likely to be horrified. However, it happens that a young family still does not have the opportunity to live separately. How to be?

The main problem is to share spheres of influence with her husband's mother. Any woman needs her own home, and since you leave your “familiar” place for the sake of your husband, you have the right to expect that the new place will become your new home. However, the mother-in-law lived there long before you and did a good job with the household.

Love? Simply respect

If you decide to live in your mother-in-law's house, you become a member of her family. Determine for yourself whether your mother-in-law suits you as a person as a whole? Ask yourself, are you ready to consider your husband's mother as a member of your family? Are you ready to greet her every morning, and if possible - friendly? Are you sincerely ready to choose a gift for her on her birthday? Ready not to share her son with her? If inwardly you consider her as an "extra" person, as a hindrance to your family happiness, - your imaginary idyll is under threat. Weigh everything sensibly, even before the wedding.

Definition of boundaries

At the stage of entry of the "new mistress" into the husband's house, all conflicts between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law occur not at all because one of them did some particular "wrong thing", but because of the violation by one side of the boundaries of the personal space of the other. For each person, these boundaries are located in different places, and determining their location using the “scientific poke” method is flammable. Living in the same house with a new person who belongs to a different generation and has formed as a person in completely different conditions than you is possible only if you remember every minute: you and your mother-in-law are completely different.

You should not rely on intuition, especially on your own opinion, it will only harm you in this situation. Discuss the joint life in advance, and as far as possible, find out everything openly and to the smallest detail. Remember that your marital status is lower than that of your mother-in-law for many reasons: she is your husband's mother, she is older, she is the mistress of the house where you are going to live. It's not that you are forever destined for the role of Cinderella. However, it is you who should ask the mother-in-law how she sees your participation in the household. First of all, you yourself are interested in building a good relationship with your husband's mother, so do not wait for her to share her views with you. Start a conversation first

Discuss financial matters with your husband before you move. You must clearly know in which direction financial flows flow in the family. The difference in age and tastes often prevents the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law from having a common budget and living peacefully - at the same time. For a young woman, how she looks is much more important than how good a greenhouse is in the country. In most cases, however, a separate budget with a common household is a successful way out, and many mothers-in-law themselves insist on this. You will be simultaneously spared from the title of "spoiled winder" and from the need to remember all the time about gardening tools. The mother-in-law, on the other hand, will be insured against getting a shock due to the fact that she finds out the price of a ticket to a fashionable theatrical premiere.

How to get along with mother-in-law? Jokes about the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law would not be so popular among the people if it were easy for two women. The situation becomes more complicated when the newlyweds are forced after the wedding without the funds to purchase or rent their own housing. So, with the husband's mother?

How to get along with mother-in-law?

Marry a loved one and loving man, you should not expect that his parents will immediately be imbued with tender feelings for you. First of all, this concerns the mother of the spouse, who cannot help but feel jealous of the “invader”, even being a smart and self-sufficient woman. Trying to get along with the mother-in-law, one should not expect love from her. People who suddenly become relatives in the eyes of the law are not at all obliged to treat each other warmly.

Not only those who immediately count on love are mistaken, but also those who actively try to earn it. A deliberate demonstration of one's own talents and virtues will not help to achieve the goal. A respectful attitude on the part of the daughter-in-law will be appreciated by the mother-in-law more than, for example, the ability to cook well.

New family rules

How to get along with the mother-in-law in one apartment? The daughter-in-law must understand that she is actually invading someone else's house, in which there are long-established traditions. Some of them may seem strange and redundant, but this will have to be accepted in order to avoid conflicts. If, say, joint meals are accepted in the family, you should not defiantly ignore them, have dinner in your room.

This does not mean that the newlywed should completely abandon their own habits, views on the coexistence of family members. The main thing is to carry out "reforms" gradually, refraining from sudden changes. In this case, the chances are high that the husband's mother will agree to meet halfway. Otherwise, you can limit innovations in the territory of your personal room, and give the mother-in-law all the remaining space.

Permissible limits

How to get along with the mother-in-law in the same apartment so that there are no conflicts? While respecting the wishes of your husband's mother, you should not forget your own needs. A woman who constantly sacrifices her interests will feel unhappy, which will negatively affect her relationship with her husband. For example, being a staunch vegetarian, it is not at all necessary to eat meatballs, even if this is the mother-in-law's signature dish.

Talking about personal space should not be postponed "for later." The daughter-in-law has every right not to want her room to be invaded without knocking, to take her belongings without asking, and so on. Of course, it is necessary to report this in the most correct form, to try so that the list of “requirements” does not turn out to be too long.

So how do you get along with your mother-in-law? Of course, the daughter-in-law should not only insist on keeping the distance, but also not forget about it herself. It is likely that there are things in the house that cannot be touched, and the mother-in-law does not report this simply out of politeness. A frank conversation solves many problems.

Independence

How to get along with your mother-in-law so that everyone is happy? Often people get married before they become completely financially independent. However, it is naive to constantly resort to the help of the husband's mother and at the same time count on her respect. If a young family is fully supported by the parents, they feel entitled to actively interfere in the life of the spouses, comment on their behavior and actions, and give advice. This can have a negative impact on relationships.

These days, even full-time students can easily find part-time jobs. This is beneficial not only in terms of financial independence. Having got a job, the daughter-in-law will see her mother-in-law much less often, which will positively affect their relationship. If there is an urgent need for money, it is more expedient to ask for the necessary amount on credit, and not free of charge.

Compliance with subordination

We study further the question of how to get along with the mother-in-law. Nowadays, the tradition of calling the mother-in-law mother is gradually disappearing. At least in the first months of cohabitation, it is preferable to use the name and patronymic, address "you". Of course, if the mother-in-law herself insists on the “mother” option, you should not actively resist. Even if at first it sounds a little false, you can gradually get used to it.

Household

Many are interested in how to get along with the mother-in-law under one roof. Research shows that homework is an inexhaustible source of conflict. Every woman, no matter how old she is, has her own views on housekeeping, which she considers to be truly correct.

While the daughter-in-law lives on the territory of the mother-in-law, she has to give in mainly to her. This does not mean that you have to do a lot of unusual things for yourself, for example, agree to participate in daily wet cleaning if you are used to mopping floors twice a week. It is better to express admiration for the culinary talents of the husband's mother and ask her for recipes for her signature dishes.

Some part of household duties should definitely be taken on, even if the mother-in-law tries to continue to do everything on her own, otherwise in the near future this will become a reason for reproaches.

Common interests

Considering the question of how a daughter-in-law can get along with her mother-in-law, it is worth saying that people who have common topics for conversation find it much easier to get along with each other. You should not wait for the husband's mother to make the first move, as this may never happen. Finding out the hobby of a new relative is quite simple. Of course, interest in her hobbies must be sincere. You should not, for example, talk about your love for four-legged friends, suffering from allergies. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, causing the relationship to worsen rather than improve.

Spending time together is the shortest path to friendship. It is possible that both women like to go to the theater or indulge in shopping. Why not do it together from time to time - at least once a month? You can also offer your husband's mother a joint visit to the pool or gym if she expresses a desire to play sports. In the end, there are banal walks in the park, useful not only for relationships, but also for health.

Attention

How to make cohabitation with the mother-in-law peaceful, avoid conflicts? Any person likes when they show attention to him. This does not mean that you need to stuff a woman into girlfriends. It is enough just from time to time to show interest in her life, ask about success at work, congratulate her on important dates.

It is also worth learning to listen to the mother-in-law's advice, even if she gives them all the time, without waiting for a corresponding request. It is not at all necessary to follow the recommendations of the husband's mother, but do not ignore her words. After all, from a woman who is much older and more experienced, you can always hear something really useful.

In addition, do not forget about compliments, it is necessary to focus on precisely those qualities that the mother-in-law loves most in herself. It is difficult to find a person who does not have any virtues, the main thing is the ability to discover them. It is highly likely that the mother-in-law as a result will learn to notice positive sides daughter-in-law. It is not easy to treat badly a person who sincerely praises you.

Talk about son

How to get along with the mother-in-law in the same house peacefully? Of course, married life is difficult to imagine without conflicts. Spouses, even if they love each other very much, from time to time there are certain claims to the second half. It is strictly forbidden to discuss the shortcomings of the husband with his mother. We must not forget that every woman sincerely considers her own child the best. The daughter-in-law's complaints about her son will hardly meet with sympathy; rather, it will hopelessly ruin relations with her mother-in-law.

Talking about a husband with his mother should only be done in a positive way. She will be pleased to hear praise for her child. It is worth noting that it was she who was involved in his upbringing. Why not show gratitude?

Making a list

How to get along with mother-in-law? The advice of a psychologist, unfortunately, does not always help. What to do if the mother of the spouse refuses to make contact, continues to provoke conflicts? Constantly hearing reproaches from the mother-in-law, you should make a list of her complaints and analyze it. It is possible that the list will also include fair reproaches. Let's say the husband's mother does not like the fact that she is forced to take on the lion's share of the housework.

Separately noting fair claims, you can think over and write down answers to unfair reproaches. This is necessary in order to calmly and reasonably discuss the current situation with the mother-in-law, without surrendering to the power of emotions and not falling for provocations.

We do not inflate conflicts

Is it possible to get along with the mother-in-law if she likes to sort things out in a raised voice? Unfortunately, this also happens. In this case, it is worth doing the way diplomats act. No need to try to outshout the opponent, you just need to agree with him in everything. At the same time, the voice should remain measured and calm. Any debater will be confused when he hears that he is absolutely right. In the end, you can wean the mother-in-law from scandals by constantly agreeing with her and not succumbing to provocations.

Of course, we are talking about a conflict in which only one side is guilty. If the quarrel occurred through the fault of the daughter-in-law, you should not start a "cold war" with the husband's mother, refuse to communicate, and so on. The ability to admit one's wrong is a quality that has been valued at all times.

Husband involvement

You should not say unpleasant things about your mother-in-law to your soulmate, no matter how huge the temptation is. It is extremely rare to find people who have a negative attitude towards their own mothers. You can connect your husband to the conflict only as a last resort, if the situation is completely out of control. It is also not recommended to set him up against his mother, similar actions will only spoil the relationship between the spouses.

Children

How to get along with the mother-in-law if she actively intervenes in the upbringing of children, guided solely by her own views? Many women, seeing the "second mother" as an enemy, try to limit her communication with the child. The main casualties in similar situation it turns out to be a baby, as adults unconsciously drag him into their conflict.

It is much better to spend time calmly explaining to the husband’s mother what exactly she is doing wrong in what is connected with raising children, taking care of them. In order for the result of the conversation to meet expectations, you need to back up your words with thoughtful arguments, refer to the opinion of specialists.

Useful literature

“How do you get along with your mother-in-law? 63 simple rules "- a wonderful book, authored by Irina Korchagina. This manual is aimed at women who have recently entered into marriage and have not yet mastered the art of communicating with relatives of the second half. The book contains simple recommendations. Using them, you can easily put an end to the "battles" with your husband's mother. Useful information will be able to gather for themselves and the fair sex, who have been married for a long time, but have not yet learned how to get along with their mother-in-law.

This work is useful not only for daughters-in-law, but also for women whose son is going to marry or is already married. The author does not take sides, sincerely cheering for all the participants in the conflict.